He’s left me and our 2 year old

[LottiePa]

DH and I haven’t had the best few years of our relationship, through having a premature baby who nearly died and who has some health issues, then covid, lockdown etc. we’ve been going through stages of bickering and arguing and then being ok and then it starting again.

We had a disagreement on Wednesday evening and he came home on Thursday said he didn’t want to do this anymore and packed a bag and left.

He’s blocked me on everything. He didn’t pick DS (almost 3) up from nursery yesterday like he always does and didn’t contact me to say he wasn’t go to.

I haven’t heard from him at all.

I don’t know where he is. Or when or if he plans on getting in touch to see DS and I’m just finding it really hard to not break down in front of our Son.

I’m so cross that he just gets to walk away without a thought for me or DS. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone and am just struggling through Saturday without falling apart until my Son goes to bed this evening.

Do you have a friend you can trust who also has him on Facebook question mark

Sorry, I was dictating!

I would contact his friends and family, let them know what he has done (good chances they don’t know) and ask them to let you know if he is safe otherwise you will be contacting the police as you’re concerned for his safety.

I just don’t want to bring everyone else into it until I know what’s happening 100% and we had chance to talk.

If he doesn't want to talk you can't make him talk. Some divorces are done entirely via solicitors with no direct contact between the ex-couple at all.

Don't delay telling everyone that your marriage is over, and exactly what has happened. If you are on a low income, put in a benefit claim as a single parent from the day he moved out. Think of yourself as a single person now. Change the locks, phone utility companies to get all the bills put in your name, close the joint account, etc. etc.
And see a solicitor, obviously.

Seriously, if the marriage is over, what is there to talk about? Except him having access to see your son - when he eventually dares to show his face again.

A 5-day stag do? Really? Does it involve a trip abroad? Can you check on the details of that?

I would also report him missing for 2 reasons - 1 - something bad may have happened (unlikely IMHO based on what you have said) and 2 - he can't rewrite history later on - you will have the evidence in the form of an incident number that you may need to use later on to prove that he was an unreliable parent in this particular incident. Does his behaviour now tie up with what you have seen from him in the past - has he just gone silent on you or gone missing or been hard to find and evasive in the past?

I don't think you're alone in experiencing relationship problems partly because of the impact of Covid and the current energy/fuel/food pressures - it's been a very tough time for a lot of people so - I wouldn't down rate your own relationship because it has suffered - I think plenty of normally sound relationships have also frayed at the edges in the last couple of years.

Coping with the uncertainty of what he is up to, what his intentions are and worrying about how your relationship, situation and future might change is really difficult - no one likes uncertainty - it may just take a few days for things to change and for you to have a better of idea of what is going on - so - I would just try and get through the next few days and make it as normal as possible for you and your boy - it's probably only just a few days - try not to ruin your own day, try not to get too upset - accept that you don't always have the power to make things happen - sometimes you just have to wait. As others have suggested - shake the tree and see what falls down - ask around - but don't get yourself into a frenzy over it. I would not be embarrassed to let people know what's going on - you should ask around - it would tell me that you worried about him, you as a couple, you all a family unit - nothing to be ashamed of. He's left you in a very awkward spot hasn't he? Don't worry about saving face for him.

Hopefully - you'll be posting with an update in a few days. All relationships experience problems - no need to scupper the whole ship when all you really need to do is bail out a bit if water.

I would be getting in touch with his parents at a minimum, because I think failing to collect your son from nursery and also not telling you he wouldn't be doing is a bit worrying and if he's simply exited your lives rather than something untoward having happened to him then you need to know that so you can manage things with your son (and understand where you stand legally).

Sorry you're having to go through this OP.

Contact his parents.

If they haven't heard from him, report him missing to the police.

He'll be back. He's just bringing you back into line so you don't question this nearly week away.

Not picking up the bairn and not telling you is outrageous and a deal breaker on its own. I wouldn't be trusting him at all after that. It's eggshell time.

I would speak to his parents as a minimum to see if he's been in touch. I would be honest with them about him going if they don't know already. Hopefully he's absolutely fine and just buggered off somewhere, but if he's not, I think you'd regret not speaking to them.

Probably should contact his parents though like, just in case

Is the stag do abroad, has he taken his passport. Blocking you when you have a child together is out of order. Did nursery try to contact him when he didn’t pick up son, that would really upset me more, that he didn’t consider your son being left there. I don’t think I could forgive him for that.

I would be really concerned about this, particularly as he didn't pick up DS from nursery. Calling his close family would be my first step. If they hadn't heard from him, then I think I'd be in touch with the police. Home life seems to have been very stressful for both of you, but men can have breakdowns too.

It could be an OW but most likely I think he's hoping that you will start to worry so much that when he does eventually skulk back, your relief will outweigh any anger about anything that has gone on and so you will back down.

I wouldn’t care about shouting out his/your business. You need support and he may be swanning about like Archie Pluff for all you know.

If his parents haven’t heard anything report him missing. He doesn’t get to sod off and have you keep his bad behaviour from everyone.

And if he is having a crisis? Then maybe he’ll get the help he needs.

I wouldn't bother contacting his parents. I'd apply for maintenance and file for divorce and let the professionals deal with it.

He doesn't get to just go awol and abandon his child and have you waiting around protecting his reputation.

Is the stag do abroad? If so, has he taken his passport?

If he's going to need his passport and it is in the house I would drop it around to his parents' if they live close by.
I'd explain to them that he walked out on Thursday, that you don't know where he is and have no way of contacting him. I'd also tell them that he abandoned his son at nursery. I'd hand them the passport and explain that he may be needing this next week and that he can collect it from them as you don't want any more to do with him.

On Monday, I'd contact a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Wrote on wrong thread and can't retype it all!

You’ve not seen or heard from your husband for 3 days… have a 2 year old child that you are currently solely responsible for without any financial / physical help from his father…he failed to pick up your child from nursery and didn’t arrange any other responsible adult to do so nor did he inform you he wouldn’t be picking them up..said father is also about to depart for a 6 day stag weekend next week

if this guy isn’t actually missing and in peril, then I am outraged on your behalf

i would send a message to your friends and family including his parents and put it really plainly “hi all, after a tough few years since Child’s arrival, Husband packed a bag and left on Thursday and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. He didn’t pick up Child from nursery the other day, didn’t tell me or nursery that he wouldn’t be available, so Child was left at nursery and I had to arrange last minute work cover to go and get them. If anyone knows where he is and could let me know it would be greatly appreciated. If nothing else to discuss future child maintenance payments with him and to understand what his plans are for being a parent to our child. He is due to go off on a 6 day stag do next week, so again I could do with some clarity on our current co-parenting situation”.

This! I would send this message word for word.

@larkstar

Thank you for your reply. I think you summed it up perfectly in that is not necessarily not wanting people to know our business, it’s that I’m embarrassed DH has left me. That he’s just packed a bag and walked out and not been in contact and didn’t pick DS up yesterday. I don’t want people to know how bad things are. Silly, I know.

DS was born premature. He nearly died. I nearly died. We had a long stay in the NICU which nearly destroyed me and now DS has some complex medical needs. Then lockdown and covid with a premature, poorly baby wasn’t easy and I haven’t coped very well being a first time Mum, particularly in those circumstances. I know DH has found it difficult dealing with my Post Natal Anxiety and general worry for DS’ future and health.

Sadly when we argue we each find it difficult to move past and there is tension for a few days afterwards whilst we get back to normal. I think that because we’ve been bickering and arguing more than normal in the past 2-3 years, it’s taken it’s toll and we’re not on the same team and neither of us are very happy with how things are.

He’s the father of my child and we’ve been together more than a decade, I don’t want to split up. But on the same hand, it will rain in hell if he thinks he can do this to us and treat me this way and I’ll allow it. I won’t. He knows that. I can cope with DS on my own, I don’t need DH financially and I’m not going to be treated badly by him. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just feel so sad and so angry.

I’ve spoken to FIL, he hasn’t been there and hasn’t spoken to them since Monday. I just said we had a disagreement and are taking some time but I couldn’t get hold of him and could they get him to call me.

20 minutes later, DH phones. He’s been staying with BIL. He’s safe and just wanted a break from things. Said he’s sorry, knows he’s wrong, left a message at my office to tell me he wasn’t picking DS up from nursery yesterday and asked that I did (he could have, I don’t know, I WFH yesterday when I am usually in on the office on a Friday so reception may have left a message on my desk)

We agreed we’re a million miles away from where we want to be/should be and that we either split now or go to counselling to try and fix things.

He’s just come to collect DS to take him to Softplay for a few hours.

Been there OP. Its shit isn't it. Delete his number and don't try and contact him again. Have his bags packed.

I think you need to contact his parents. Say he's gone, and that you need to know if he is planning to pick up/drop dc next week, or if you need to make alternative arrangements.

If they insist they haven't heard from him, I'd suggest to his mum that she might want to call the police and do a welfare check. He's been gone more than 24 hours.

He just wanted a break?

He could have told you that. He didn’t. I get not telling you in the heat of the flounce but he has had plenty opportunity to tell you he is safe. He didn’t.

He didn’t call you or text but just left a message about your son. He didn’t. How did he know you’d got the message? He didn’t.

At least he is sorry and he knows he is wrong though. Shame he took days to say so.

Random ‘he didn’t’ in that lot. Sorry.

Sorry, cross post. At least he's in one piece. Good luck sorting it out OP