Not sure my dh likes me anymore!

[changedmyname2022]

Name changed for this because a few other posts of mine are identifying.

He may love me I'm not sure but he definitely doesn't like me let alone fancy me.

17 years together, 10 married and 3 children (14, 10 & 8).

Currently on holiday and it was going to be my "fuck it holiday" because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to but I was determined to take photos with my kids, wear my swimming costume and just have fun. Trouble is husband clearly wasn't feeling the same and has done nothing except point out extremely attractive slim women, ask me if I "need that" when I'm eating something, tell me that we are definitely dieting when we get home and generally just make me feel like like shit. We were at a market today having a wander and letting the kids buy crap when I saw a beach dress I liked so I started to look and he said "don't get any ideas because that won't fit", we then went to the beach where he was talking about what a waste our gym membership is but then told me he is buying me sessions with a PT when we get home. I did say "wow you know how to cheer me up" but all he said was that I need help!

We have two rooms at the hotel and last night he chose to sit on his balcony with our 14 year old even though I said why don't we sit together, his answer was "no thanks I'm alright on mine" 🤷‍♀️

He is clearly disgusted by me and I'm just getting the general feeling that I'm an annoyance and that he doesn't really like me much anymore.

Im 43, 5'6" and a size 18 so yes I'm big but I'm not on the verge of needing a crane to get me out of the house. Also peri menopausal so may just being massively over sensitive.

I just want to go home but we have another 8 days to go. No idea what I want anyone to say, I'm just really upset.

@changedmyname2022
None of this sounds healthy - not your relationship, not your attitude.
You put on 20kg over the past 3-4 years, as you said yourself.
This isn’t a normal age related change we all go through, and our partners need to adjust to. This is a massive change.
And I don’t think it’s fair to blame your H, or any partner for not finding this massive change attractive. He didn’t meet you as a plus size woman.

You are unhappy with yourself and him - and you are using food as something to stick it to him and life in general, by the sound of what you write. It’s not a good place to be.
I hope you find some way out of it that will make you feel better.

@Stormchaser1502 I have massively disengaged the last couple of days, I'm talking to him because I don't want there to be an atmosphere for the kids (I grew up in a household with lots of arguments and I would never do that to them) but I'm not making conversation. It definitely seems to be unsettling him as he has asked so many times if I'm ok, if the kids aren't around then I've said no actually I'm not but then picked up my kindle/phone and switched off.

@MMmomDD I completely get what you're saying but the only thing that has changed about me is my weight, I'm still the same person he fell in love with and without sounding like a big head I'm a nice person! I'm funny so I've been told, I'm kind and caring and adore my family, I have friends and I'd do anything for anyone surely that all has to count for something or are most people just in relationships purely based on looks? He doesn't look the same as he did 17 years ago, he has less hair and a bigger belly but even worse than that he's turned into a massively rude knobhead and for me that's the thing that would make me leave, not the lack of hair. There are a few factors as to why I've put on the weight but yes one of them is because I eat too much shit and I eat my feelings so what he needs to realise is that belittling me and making me feel crap isn't the way to go. I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke so food is my crutch really and that's what I need help with which I'm planning on sorting out in my own time.

“we then went to the beach where he was talking about what a waste our gym membership is but then told me he is buying me sessions with a PT when we get home”

And that is when I would have have turned to him, smiled sweetly and said “oh goid, I feel less guilty about the penis enlargement I’ve booked for you now”.

@changedmyname2022 I know exactly how you feel- having an arsey partner is shit for your weight.

@changedmyname2022

And leave you should if you don’t want to be with him, and he turned into a person who you don’t want to be with anymore.
Of course he is not the same as he was 17yo are ago. And I presume he went through normal age related changes, as we all do. And this is what I meant by - partners adjusting to each other’s ageing.

But a rapid and massive weight gain, coupled with an attitude that it’s ‘just weight’ and he needs to just get used to it - as he doesn’t see you making much effort to control it - it does signal you checking out of the relationship, at least the physical side of it.
If my partner gained this much weight - I’d struggle to find him attractive. And most people are like that. It’s not something we can control.

I don’t know if he immediately turned the way he is now - but its been 4 years and I am sure even the most patient partner will get frustrated and not be be able to be supportive endlessly. Especially with lack of effort on your side.

If anything - him caring about what you look like is actually an indication that he still hasn’t given up on wanting a physical relationship with you.

I don’t know what you can do. You clearly don’t see it as much of an issue on your side and blame him for most of it. Not sure there is much future left.

I'm not sure 4 years is rapid weight gain? It has kind of crept on over those 4 years but trust me I do see it as an issue, I hate the way I look from the top of my head to the tip of my toes I disgust myself. I have turned down invites to events because I don't want the stress of finding something to wear or meeting new people and having them judge me.

You have absolutely no idea about the effort I've made!! I have tried a billion times to lose weight and each one of them ends in failure, I've tried weight watchers, slimming world, fasting, juicing, calorie counting but I think I have a deeper issue than just eating. I actually don't have a massive appetite I just eat the wrong stuff.

So if your partner gained 3-4 stone you would start putting them down and talking to them like shit because you don't like how they look?

He cares about the way I look because he doesn't want a fat arsed wife not because he's concerned about my well-being.

I hate the way I look from the top of my head to the tip of my toes I disgust myself.

OP, I wish you could see yourself as the people who love you see you: your friends and DC and others who know you well. You don't look like a supermodel, nor do they or the rest of us. They see you as the kind, loving, funny person and fantastic mum that you are.

Unfortunately you're married to a rude, arrogant man who makes you feel bad about yourself. He's the one who's out of step.

I'm glad he's getting worried enough to ask if you're OK. But don't slip into feeling sorry for him. He's not sorry, just worried you may have reached the end of your patience. If you want to stay with him, draw a line and make it clear that he doesn't treat you like dirt. But also, do investigate your options as a single mother. Hard work, but read all the testimony of women who have left horrible men and rediscovered their self-confidence.

@changedmyname2022

Look - I know how frustrating weight gain is, and how annoying it is to look at yourself and hate the way you look. It took me forever after kids to get to a shape I felt ok with. And for a while I have up and decided my life was just going to be lose clothes from M&S older people racks…
Lots of my friends struggle with weight. And it’s always a vicious cycle of eating to feel better, hating the result, making resolutions, repeat.
Unfortunately, in the end of the day, the only solution is willpower and healthy/controlled eating. And of course - exercise.

Should he be rude to you? Of course not.
In an ideal word - he’d be endlessly patient with your yo-yo efforts to change your eating. And he’d find you attractive at any size.
But it doesn’t work this way. No point blaming him for not wanting to have an overweight partner.

But it seems that more is happening in your relationship and your weight became the battleground. You use it to show your resentment of him. But it’s also self destructive for you.

That is why I am saying it’s not healthy for either of you. I think you are at a breaking point - where both can’t take it anymore.

@MMmomDD Not really sure what to make of your advice - it may be coming from a kind place (I hope) but it’s hurtful to OP and based on her responses it’s also unhelpful.

If OP’s husband was speaking gently to her about making more time for herself to exercise or perhaps rallying the whole family to eat healthier instead of making cruel, nasty comments to her I might see where he is coming from. But he isn’t and is putting his marriage on the line as a result.

OP - based on your posts, the solution to your losing weight isn’t just willpower and healthy/controlled eating. Some people need to tackle the emotional issues around eating first before any amount of willpower will work and my guess is you’re one of those people. Big hugs to you x

Well said!

Threads like this make me feel so sad and so cross.

If this man isn't happy - for whatever reason - he needs to address that. Not put you down, OP. It made me smile in your (fantastic) update when you said he'd been phoning when you went off with the children. Didn't like the fact you had a bit of fire in your belly did he? 😉

You know, my boyfriend is, in his words, "a fat bloke". He's 5'11 and 16 stone. He's always been big. He's not particularly bothered by it - at least not that he ever says. I wouldn't ever dream of commenting on his size or weight because I love him. He walks around the house naked and said once that he's never had the confidence to do that before because of his weight but I make him feel safe and loved and he knows I'm not silently judging him. I love him even more every time he does it. Not because he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen but because he feels safe and loved with me and doesn't feel the need to hide himself.

That's how someone who loves you makes you feel.

It's easy to say LTB but you deserve more and better than this.

I'm glad he's getting worried enough to ask if you're OK. But don't slip into feeling sorry for him. He's not sorry, just worried you may have reached the end of your patience. If you want to stay with him, draw a line and make it clear that he doesn't treat you like dirt. But also, do investigate your options as a single mother. Hard work, but read all the testimony of women who have left horrible men and rediscovered their self-confidence.

1000 times this!

I'm not a big crier, I'm pretty tough but for some reason I've spent the last two days bursting into tears. Despite the kids this is a really shot holiday and I can't wait to go home, Thursday cannot come quick enough. I just want to stay in bed forever.

Never thought my weight problems would ruin my marriage.

OP, it's not you or your weight problems that have ruined your marriage. It's your obnoxious husband. Stop blaming yourself. Losing weight is hard, especially when there are emotional complications.

How has your husband reacted to your tears?

Op, I’m so sorry. I can feel the pain in your posts.

I however don’t think the issue in your marriage is solely down to your weight. Your Dh is deflecting it onto that as that’s a weakness for you and an insecurity. So therefore, whatever blame he has for the bigger picture, he can deflect on this issue that he knows you struggle with. So therefore it’s easy to portion blame onto.

how is he usually? As in at home? Is he supportive in other ways? I’m not asking in terms of the dc, I’m asking in terms of you.
Historically, has he been regarded as an empathetic man?

my guess is probably not. That I’m fact he’s probably slightly conscious of how he looks. What people think of him etc. Slightly superficial.

I think it’s common for holidays to bring all of this to the forefront as you are with each other 24/7.

what I’m trying to say, is despite what the occasional pp has implied..I really believe this is a him problem and not a you problem.

As for your weight, you’ve addressed the fact it’s not something your happy with. I think your low self esteem is attributing to this, and I feel he’s a lot to blame with said esteem.

sending you a lot of strength. You’re showing him you have emotional worth, even if you don’t think this inside. This enough, will derail him.

changedmyname2022

hugs
sometimes you need to let the pain be and come out
you can’t run away from it
and don’t feel guilty about it either
better OUT than in

when you go home will you go back to work ? Get some normality

it sounds like some change is needed
and also exploring why you emotionally eat
it’s painful 😣

My ex husband was a bit like this to me. Then the OW he had an affair with wrote to me to tell me how disgusted my husband had been by my body.

Move on a few years... I'm divorced, a curvy size 16/18 and have never had such great sex and flattering comments from men in my life !! I think it's more your husband's issue than yours !

Don't waste your holiday on his petulant behaviour. I have no doubt that there are other men around that pool who would love to get to know you....

@MMmomDD not sure I would feel particularly like losing weight just to please my partner if he spent his time making nasty comments either and eyeing up the talent.

My first ever LTB

@MMmomDD why do you always trot up onto these sorts of threads to espouse the virtues of the man and blame the OP?
OP has said it isn't about her weight.
Why are you STILL blaming her for her H cuntish behaviour?
Even if it was about her weight, that doesn't give him any right to be constantly negging her so quit making OP feel worse (and projecting?) and stop excusing his bullshit. There is NO excuse for it.

You could lose a good 15 stone very quickly by getting rid of the sorry twat.

You’ll feel amazing, I guarantee it.

Absolutely. He's the useless weight OP shouldn't be carrying.

@changedmyname2022 It’s not the weight it’s the marriage that’s making you miserable. You are having a very reasonable response to some appalling behaviour by someone who is supposed to love you. You have every right to expect much better treatment, and your feelings sound valid and justified.

Not sure if you are wanting advice, I would echo PPs on here who say the man has to go, he’s had your warmth, and love for too long by the sounds of things and has become spoilt and complacent.

In the short term, FWIW, there are a few things I would recommend for preserving your sanity.

Definitely find a way of detaching from his attacks emotionally. What I mean by this is don’t ask his opinion, don’t confide in him, don’t respond to any meanness with anything other than a simple “ouch” or a dismissive smile or pretend not to hear him. If he persists in trying to be cruel make him repeat it by saying you didn’t catch it - by time three he’ll feel like the idiot he is for saying it at all. Find ways to entertain yourself away from him were possible. Even if you just have to go into another room or put in some headphones and listen to a podcast or some music. If you can manage it, don’t sulk and don’t try to appeal to his better nature by telling him how much he’s hurting you. He knows, and doesn’t care, or worse is trying to hurt you. Try to be pleasant to him when you do have to interact, not because he deserves it, but because it will cause you less stress. When you’re not interacting, really avoid thinking about him or focusing on him unless it’s with a counsellor.

Connect with as many people as possible outside your relationship, ideally talk to them about interests rather than your marriage. It’s all about having fun and forgetting about him as much as possible in the short term. Spend more time with your children if they are up for it. Speak with a professional counsellor/psychologist once a week or every two weeks for moral support.

In the medium to long term I suggest you get used to the idea of leaving him, thinking through what you might need to put in place, what life would look like without him. Think about how you can mitigate the hard parts of that but also how you can make the most of the good parts. Try to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of infidelity too, he’s acting so badly there’s a chance that’s one of the reasons behind it.

Think about seeing a lawyer soon. You don’t have to begin divorce proceedings or anything but it will help you to feel empowered if you are aware of all your options before you have to decide on any big decisions.

If you do all this you might find his behaviour improves which will make your life more pleasant even if you decide eventually divorce is the right option.

Tasmanium
I like your advice

the only thing I will say is that should op wish to lose weight (for herself ) there are many benefits including and not limited to

-better mental health though the exercise release
better physical health and sleep (hopefully !)
-an easier peri meno and meno
-less risk of getting back leg and knee issues down the line
-better self esteem
and probably this foundation will help her frame other decisions around this charmless and unkind man

im NOT saying this to shame the Op , or belittle her . But as we face the joy of impending meno and aging there is no doubt that bmi and exercise are helpful and beneficial