Not sure my dh likes me anymore!

[changedmyname2022]

Name changed for this because a few other posts of mine are identifying.

He may love me I'm not sure but he definitely doesn't like me let alone fancy me.

17 years together, 10 married and 3 children (14, 10 & 8).

Currently on holiday and it was going to be my "fuck it holiday" because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to but I was determined to take photos with my kids, wear my swimming costume and just have fun. Trouble is husband clearly wasn't feeling the same and has done nothing except point out extremely attractive slim women, ask me if I "need that" when I'm eating something, tell me that we are definitely dieting when we get home and generally just make me feel like like shit. We were at a market today having a wander and letting the kids buy crap when I saw a beach dress I liked so I started to look and he said "don't get any ideas because that won't fit", we then went to the beach where he was talking about what a waste our gym membership is but then told me he is buying me sessions with a PT when we get home. I did say "wow you know how to cheer me up" but all he said was that I need help!

We have two rooms at the hotel and last night he chose to sit on his balcony with our 14 year old even though I said why don't we sit together, his answer was "no thanks I'm alright on mine" 🤷‍♀️

He is clearly disgusted by me and I'm just getting the general feeling that I'm an annoyance and that he doesn't really like me much anymore.

Im 43, 5'6" and a size 18 so yes I'm big but I'm not on the verge of needing a crane to get me out of the house. Also peri menopausal so may just being massively over sensitive.

I just want to go home but we have another 8 days to go. No idea what I want anyone to say, I'm just really upset.

What a nasty piece of work! I would seriously consider whether you still want to be with someone who has such little disregard for your feelings.

I hope you spend the rest of your holiday ignoring his disgusting comments and start pointing out all the hot tanned young men around.

I’d say you have two problems

(1) your husband is an arsehole, really not kind or with empathy

(2) you are overweight , and at the age (peri meno) when actually investing into your health and diet longer term will benefit you majorly

id say focus on you and your health not to attract him , but to get your confidence back
watch that Davina McCall programme abiut the menopause And peri . It’s eye opening

and I’m sorry he is being so cruel
keep yourself occupied and try and enjoy what you can

He sounds horrible OP, please do seriously consider leaving him. Your kids are learning that this is how men treat women :( you deserve someone who loves, respects, admires and fancies you. I’m sorry he’s behaving like this. It’s a reflection of his bullying outlook and says nothing about you!

OP - I guess the main question here - are you happy in your body and what do you want for yourself.
I get a feeling from what you say about your H is that he is frustrated rather than hating you.
It sounds more like you have been trying to lose weight for a while. But it’s not easy, and you don’t really think you are that big anyway. And maybe you were talking about doing it more for your H than for yourself.
He was probably hoping you would get slimmer as he does not find you attractive at your weight. And after waiting a while -
he is getting to the point of resentment.
While you are wondering if he still loves you - he is probably thinking the same. From his perspective it is - why can’t she bother to put in more effort to look better.
And in his twisted way - he is trying to push you to help you.

Weight is always a difficult issue in a relationship. We are supposed to love our partners no matter what. However - we
cent really control what we find attractive. And I know there comes a time when a weight gain start affecting it.

How dare he? Presumably your body reflects the fact that you have carried his three children during the last 17 years.Nasty piece of work.
I am the same size as you- I was going to lose weight for my holiday and haven’t. I am going to rock the ‘I’m beautiful anyway’ vibe. Head up, glam as I can be, standing up proud , no hiding my body, bright lipstick, big sunglasses and a very big smile. Work with what you have got. I like the idea of depriving the fucker of your company by going on days out by yourself or with kids. Enjoy every second of the holiday you have left and leave any big worries or decisions until you are home. Then draw up a plan.

This makes me feel sad! Some people are so concerned over body image but to make you feel bad about it is cruel. Yes I guess you could make some different choices when you return home but do it for yourself not him.
I would suggest a trial separation for 6 months over the way he makes you feel and in that time, lose lots of weight and make him want you again but turn around and say... no thanks!

Honestly though, enjoy your holiday. Don't let him make you feel anything bad about yourself. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom about the way we feel about ourselves in order to change.

X

I suspect that like me you are partly overweight because your H is a bit of an arse . I'm an 18 too- so my body is somewhat crap but I've got great boobs and I'm told a really nice face for my age (I'm 60) so I try and think positive- I had my gall bladder out aged 33 and ever since then I've struggled with weight regardless of what diet or food choices I've made. I think I've placed a lot more emphasis on nice food in the last 15 years because other things got me down, I wonder if you are the same too- ! Funny thing is I've often found it's not particularly attractive men who go on about wives weight. Bet he still wants sex though!

I don't think it's about the weight, that's a red herring. I think he is either cheating (small chance) or wants to leave the relationship but is too cowardly to be the one to break up the family (large chance). He clearly resents you massively for some reason (is there a reason in your relationship's history?) and is having as many digs as possible to try and force you out - almost like constructive dismissal at work. I'd have it out with him and ask him to honestly answer whether he wants to continue the relationship, and if not to just grow up and end it for all your sakes, as your children shouldn't have to witness their mother being ground down by a bully and an emotional coward.

Thanks everyone. Had a really nice couple of hours to myself by the adult pool but then went back and found them for a swim and as I was getting onto the sunbed after he said “cover yourself up your stomach is hanging out”. It was yes I admit that but I was trying to get onto the sunbed with a towel around me and had every intention of covering myself once I was sitting down. I said to the kids “lets walk and play table tennis because daddy is obviously is a mean mood” and we left him. Me and the kids had a great time, table tennis, teaching them darts and some kind of shuffle board game then a mess about in the kids pool and ice creams, we were gone for 2.5 hours! He was ringing and texting but I told him to leave us alone and that I’d appreciate him not saying a single word about my body or my weight for the rest of the holiday especially in front of the kids, said that I don’t want to create an atmosphere on holiday but as soon as we get home we need to talk and I might go and stay at my mums for a week with the the younger ones (older one has plans and a few days work with dh).

Have had such a lovely day with the kids and am genuinely wishing he wasn’t here to spoil it.

@Crikeyalmighty its funny you should say that as the more he mentions my weight the more crap I eat, partly to stick two fingers up at him and partly because I feel shit and food makes me feel better. I also had my gallbladder out at 39 and have put on 3 stone since then.

I’m not very attractive anyway with or without the weight so maybe he needs someone more suited to his requirements. To those that asked no he definitely isn’t Tom H or Brad Pitt, he plays golf and squash but definitely has a bit of a belly, he is also losing his hair which is a big sore point for him so maybe I should start picking on that.

@Thisisworsethananticpated funny you should mention the Davina documentary as my Mum said I should watch it so I’ll definitely do that when I get home. Totally get what you’re saying about my weight and health especially at this stage of life and I’m so aware of what I need to do and I know how amazing I’d feel but it’s just getting the willpower and also some support. I’m going to do it though, for me.

@JimJonesLivesInMyHead id love to do that but it would be so weird for me as I’m a nice person and would find it hard to be cruel, maybe I’ll give it a try as that would shock him!

Not sticking my head in the sand but I’m really not sure about him having an affair, I don’t know what he would get a chance! We work together, he goes on one golf holiday a year and if I was to pick up his phone he wouldn’t care. I don’t know, I do think you can never be 100% sure of someone 🤷‍♀️

He is being an arse hole!

If he has an issue with you weight he need to address it with you like an adult and explain how it makes him feel.

You could be the size of a bloody house and it still wouldn't be ok for him to treat you like that! From his behaviour I assumed he has the body of an Adonis, and not that of a middle aged man like the other 99.9% of middle aged men in the country?!

You should only be changing your body for you. At a size 18, yes you are overweight but not enormously. But it happens to most of us. Sounds like this is more your husband's problem than yours.

Ignore him, enjoy your holiday, enjoy time with your kids and get your beautiful swimsuit body out in that sun!

God based on your most recent post especially, he sounds like such a nasty bully.

And to do this in front of your kids makes it even worse.

Belittling their mum and setting them up to have body image issues.

What a Prince.

Sorry OP. Contempt is something I really couldn't stand for so I'm impressed your managing to hold it together and not either cry or shout at him. You sound like a lovely mum.

Thank god, because their dad is a right dickhead.

Good for you re your update!

Don't put up with any of his shit and especially around your children who will always think you are beautiful inside and out

@changedmyname2022 that's the right attitudeOP. I think they do it to belittle you- with some men I honestly think they get a buzz from making others feel like shit,

Well done.

So damaging for your children to hear you accept being spoken to like that.

"Lets leave Daddy as he is being nasty AGAIN" is a good stock reply.

He truly is vile.

What would you say if your child was being spoken to like that?

This is not normal.

He is absolutely vile and you need to start protecting yourself and your children from his ugliness.

Well done you! It’s great to hear you had a nice day without him. Your text should rattle him just enough to see an end to this nastiness at least. Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis and you have become the target of his anger. He’s being cruel and disrespectful to you. I would be having a strong word with him at the end of your holidays and give him an ultimatum : shut up or ship out.

What a prick

changedmyname2022

It’s very good
it’s made me think alot about how I’ve been recently and how it’s interlinked

but most critically it’s for YOU
noone needs a cruel husband belittling them
fuck him

but it’s a hell of a lot easier to move on and be strong when you are physically strong and feeling better in yourself

Well done! It’s interesting that as soon as you stood up to him and went off, he got scared and started ringing and texting you. He’s been a nasty bully, but it sounds like he doesn’t really want to lose you.

Perhaps you need to continue reminding him that if he wants you to stick around, he needs to treat you with respect. Any more nasty behaviour and you’ll be fine without him!

He is a knob, does he look like a younger Johnny Depp perhaps himself with a six pack. He sounds nasty and should be gently supporting you and encouraging you but not on your bloodywell holiday. Enjoy your holiday and your food and meals and do it for yourself make a start when you get home but I would seriously be rethinking about the future of your relationship as he is not helping but could be half the cause of it. Next time he makes snidy remarks tell him to just shut up and look at himself mr perfect. Go to the beach or out with the kids and leave him at home as he is just ruining your holiday and self esteem.

I could cry when I read about women being reduced to questioning their level of attractiveness. OP, you sound like a lovely mum and I like the way you find humour in your situation. So DH is losing his hair and also carries a bit of extra weight? Why don't you just have a wry smile whenever he has a go and if he asks what you are smiling at? Say, have you seen your own gut lately. Address your weight to suit you, not him or any other bloke x

OP hope the way you handled things yesterday made your DH sit up and take notice and today was a better day for you.

How do you feel about telling him, "pipe down baldy" the next time he pitches into you?

I’d completely disengage in him. Don’t give him any attention. He will hate it and be squirming back round trying to win you over

Get yourself on a plus size dating app and show him if he's not interested there are plenty others
But I know how you feel I've had this with my OH we are very on and off because he makes me feel unwanted. PM me if you need support