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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Done something stupid now can't leave

63 replies

Chickenandnoodles · 28/07/2022 20:18

I went back to my abusive ex. We have a child together. After two years of not speaking- he went to domestic violence classes, has regular counselling, he told me that he has seen the error of his ways (he has never said this before) and that he has changed.

I thought I could be happy again but I couldn't forget what he did to me and I ended up being horrible to him (in the hope he would end things) but he sucked it up, he told me that he knew I was hurting and it would be alright, I would learn to trust him again. I said I couldn't forget and it would never be the same and that I have to do this for our child and it's best that we break up, that he deserves to be with someone that loves him, that's not scared of him, that is not horrible to him. But he got very upset and took pain killers to try to end his life.

Feeling guilty of what I caused. The next day I saw him at hospital and spent the night with him. At 4am, he kept going on about why have I been horrible to him and that he took his life. I told him not now as I have to get up very early to take our child to his classes. He immediately began to violently kick me, and told me "What did you say?! When it was your fault that I was in hospital". He was really angry. Hands clenched, I had to keep him happy, any I'll word against him, I knew would end with a punch up. When I was about to leave, he was very horrible, told me that why didn't I iron up my clothes, that he doesn't want to see me dressed like that again. I said "sorry sorry" as I knew that if I said anything, he would get angry.

When we left and he dropped me off at the station, he was becoming irate and shouty because I told him that I wanted to take a particular train as I would catch the other train in time. He shouted that I was stupid and I don't know what I'm talking about. A couple who witnessed everything, just looked at him and I said "see, people are seeing your behaviour". Then he said "so what, at least I'm real, I don't try to hide who I am, unlike you".

When I returned home. I had a sigh of relief. I thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. He then rang me and apologised. I bursted out crying saying that this cannot continue.

Weeks later on, he kept calling me. I told him that we were over and that he should only call for our child. He said that he accepts that it's Over but I cannot be in another relationship with someone else and that if I do, then I know what's going to happen to me.

In honesty, I am happy to have this arrangement. If that means peace and him not going to harm me. Then so be it. But he keeps on calling me and I don't answer. He become irate when I do. I just don't know what to do anymore or why I'm
Posting. I just have to make my bed and lie in it.

OP posts:
Wartywart · 28/07/2022 20:21

He's threatening you. Report to the police.

Ahhhhhbisto · 28/07/2022 20:21

Oh sweetheart ❤️
He is abusive. This is not on you at all. It's all him. Are you somewhere safe at the moment? Have you got any support?

RandomMess · 28/07/2022 20:26

He has threatened to kill you, he may also kill your child to hurt you.

You must report every threat to the police.

OldFan · 28/07/2022 20:26

cannot be in another relationship with someone else and that if I do, then I know what's going to happen to me.

I think I'd plan to move if I were you OP.

he keeps on calling me and I don't answer. He become irate when I do

Any other hastle of any kind, including calls, call the police.

You could get a Non Molestation Order. www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/ You might have to report him to the police first for harrassment, or it'd definitely help you get the Non Mol. It counts as harrassment if someone's calls upset you more than once.

Chickenandnoodles · 28/07/2022 20:35

I have made my bed.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2022 20:36

Chickenandnoodles · 28/07/2022 20:35

I have made my bed.

Unmake it.

OldFan · 28/07/2022 20:42

I have made my bed.

No @Chickenandnoodles , you don't deserve his behaviour.

So you made a wrong decision- you made a right one since then by ending the relationship.

Wartywart · 28/07/2022 20:42

You have not made your bed. And not has your child. You and your child deserve to live a life free from threat, violence and verbal abuse. Report him. Call Women's Aid and get advice. You sound like a lovely person and they can help you build a safe life away from him.

FinallyHere · 28/07/2022 20:43

Feeling guilty of what I caused.

Nope.

Nope, nope, nopety nope

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it

because it's not your fault. It's all on him. Only he chose to take those pills and it's fairly likely that he did it to make you feel guilty.

he accepts that it's Over but I cannot be in another relationship with someone else

No to this as well. It's just.not.true

He is abusive. This is abusive behaviour. Absolutely contact the police and ask to speak to their domestic violence (DV) team.

And get in contact with https://www.womensaid.org.uk

It might take some time but you can absolutely get away from him. Rooting for you. You have got this.

This is not about you having 'made your bed'. That is a terrible, outdated misogynistic trope. It has no validity in our world.

All the very best.

Chickenandnoodles · 28/07/2022 20:46

OldFan · 28/07/2022 20:42

I have made my bed.

No @Chickenandnoodles , you don't deserve his behaviour.

So you made a wrong decision- you made a right one since then by ending the relationship.

I have not. I keep failing my child. I keep going back to the ex. I am 28. It has been going on for the past 13 years! I just wanted a normal family. I look at all my friends lives who are happily married, I'm happy relationships. I would never get that with him. I thought I could but I can't.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 28/07/2022 20:48

You most certainly do not have to 'lie in it'.

You aren't the first woman who went back to her abuser and sadly you won't be the last.

Abuse changes your thought processes. Wrecks your self esteem.

Talk to women's aid, ask for their advice how to proceed now with his threats.

RandomMess · 28/07/2022 20:55

You gave him a 2nd chance, he hasn't changed that's on him not you.

PonyPatter44 · 28/07/2022 20:58

You can't have a "normal family " with an abnormal man. You can have a lovely safe secure family when its you and your child, and this headcase is just peripheral.

How can you get free of him? Block his number?

Terrariatime · 28/07/2022 21:00

You're so young still. The great news is you CAN have a normal family! It will absolutely, definitely not happen for as long as you stay with this POS. The longer you stay with him, the longer you wait for your lovely family. Cut this man off, ride the waves until it get a better, which it will. Get your confidence up and then go find a man that can complete that family unit. Take help from all the places these ladies are suggesting. This man will ruin yours and your dc's lives, it doesn't need to be like this.

WinterMusings · 28/07/2022 21:06

Ok you made your bed. STRIP IT!!!

write down everything that's happened and report it to the police & keep reporting everything he says/does. Get it all reported!!

can you move?

if you're prepared to change your life, call womens aid.

you are YOUNG, you are NOT stuck!!

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 28/07/2022 21:09

Stop saying you've made your bed.

Bullshit.

This man is an abusive bully, he is thriving on your FEAR.

Police. Xx

minou123 · 28/07/2022 21:12

This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault.

I know I could write this 50 times and you probably won't believe it.
But I promise you, you have not done anything wrong.

You believed him when he said he had changed, like thousands of women before you. It's not because you "fell for it" or made a mistake.

The truth is, he has worn you down over so many years. Shot your confidence to pieces. His abuse means you're not allowed to question anything he says.
So when he told you he had changed, even Derren Brown wouldn't have convinced you he wasn't a changed man.

I hope this doesnt sound patronising, but he has trained you into believing what he says.

I agree with others, please report his threats to the police. Please also talk to Womens Aid.
There is a safe, happy life out there, for you and your daughter.

OldFan · 28/07/2022 21:28

I keep going back to the ex.

You kept going back to your ex. Past tense. You're not doing it anymore. Well done. 😘

OakTreex · 28/07/2022 21:43

Call women's aid. They will help you get a non-molestation order. Do it now. On an emergency basis it will be ex parte and granted with no contact with ex.

He will not be allowed to contact you and if he does you are to call the police.

Call the police too and log everything that is happening. The abuse. Everything he's done. The violence. The malicious communications and harassment.

Do this now for the sake of your child and your life.

Oggyoi · 28/07/2022 21:53

Oh love, this man is an abuser. You are an abuser victim. You have not brought this on yourself, I promise you! You are damn right not to get back with him. Now, you need to ghost away from him entirely. Record things and get the police involved. Move house. This is a dangerous and toxic piece of shit. Wishing you well x

Babiesandboardgames · 28/07/2022 21:54

@Chickenandnoodles
Well done mama . You got away from an abuser. You've done well.
Now you just need to report him to police , track the abusive phone calls, maybe move house.
Keep your child away from this man.

ChaToilLeam · 28/07/2022 21:57

Report him. Please report him. Ensure that you and your child are safe from this abusive , dangerous man. Then you can learn to live again. He does not get to dictate the rest of your life!

BeggarsMeddle · 28/07/2022 23:06

You know for certain now that he will NEVER change his ways. This isn't your failure.

You took a chance that he was reformed. He blew it.

Now you can get support and make a life for you and your child and know that you absolutely are doing the right thing getting away from him.

Chickenandnoodles · 29/07/2022 14:33

I can't get away from him :(. His my child's father. He has been calling me numerous times today asking me why am I not picking up my phone. I told him that our convos should be about our son. He then told me that since we've been back together, I have been the one horrible to hold (true) and that one little thing his done, this game over. He then said that if he sees me on "road" and if he catches me, then I know what's what.

I don't understand. This is a near grown 30 year old man. I understand when you break up with someone, you may beg them to stay, go round theirs and plead. But he just takes it to another level, it's like his threatening me. If you leave me then watch. I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
Adelais · 29/07/2022 14:50

You need to contact the police.He sounds incredibly dangerous.

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