Done something stupid now can't leave

[Chickenandnoodles]

I went back to my abusive ex. We have a child together. After two years of not speaking- he went to domestic violence classes, has regular counselling, he told me that he has seen the error of his ways (he has never said this before) and that he has changed.

I thought I could be happy again but I couldn't forget what he did to me and I ended up being horrible to him (in the hope he would end things) but he sucked it up, he told me that he knew I was hurting and it would be alright, I would learn to trust him again. I said I couldn't forget and it would never be the same and that I have to do this for our child and it's best that we break up, that he deserves to be with someone that loves him, that's not scared of him, that is not horrible to him. But he got very upset and took pain killers to try to end his life.

Feeling guilty of what I caused. The next day I saw him at hospital and spent the night with him. At 4am, he kept going on about why have I been horrible to him and that he took his life. I told him not now as I have to get up very early to take our child to his classes. He immediately began to violently kick me, and told me "What did you say?! When it was your fault that I was in hospital". He was really angry. Hands clenched, I had to keep him happy, any I'll word against him, I knew would end with a punch up. When I was about to leave, he was very horrible, told me that why didn't I iron up my clothes, that he doesn't want to see me dressed like that again. I said "sorry sorry" as I knew that if I said anything, he would get angry.

When we left and he dropped me off at the station, he was becoming irate and shouty because I told him that I wanted to take a particular train as I would catch the other train in time. He shouted that I was stupid and I don't know what I'm talking about. A couple who witnessed everything, just looked at him and I said "see, people are seeing your behaviour". Then he said "so what, at least I'm real, I don't try to hide who I am, unlike you".

When I returned home. I had a sigh of relief. I thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. He then rang me and apologised. I bursted out crying saying that this cannot continue.

Weeks later on, he kept calling me. I told him that we were over and that he should only call for our child. He said that he accepts that it's Over but I cannot be in another relationship with someone else and that if I do, then I know what's going to happen to me.

In honesty, I am happy to have this arrangement. If that means peace and him not going to harm me. Then so be it. But he keeps on calling me and I don't answer. He become irate when I do. I just don't know what to do anymore or why I'm
Posting. I just have to make my bed and lie in it.

You were probably 'not being very nice' because you were testing him; subconsciously you knew he hadn't changed, you were prodding the beast so to speak - in a way it's a defence mechanism. At some level you probably knew, deep down, he was pretending - as soon as he's exploded like the abusive fuck that he is you've recoiled and went back to the status quo. NONE of this is your fault - I could do anything to provoke my DH and he would never react the way your DP did, never

Omg! Are you a clinical Psychologist?! That's exactly what I was doing but I couldn't put it into words. I was horrible to him because I knew he hadn't changed deep down. I had no idea that this was a defence mechanism.

100% this - the police need to be told.

You say you're happy with the arrangements as it means peace, but it doesn't really, does it? What if he see you with e.g. a male work colleague, and decides to take revenge? This man is really dangerous.

honestly you need to cut off communication with him

Block!

He can proper visitation set up in court if he wants to see his son - you do not have to facilitate it directly with him! you do not need to speak to him anymore.

I know what you all are saying. I will report but when it is safe to do so. I have contacted my housing, who will give me urgent housing. He knows where my sister works, my mum. I have to be very careful in his I approach this. There is something wrong with me. I kept going back and back and back. Even after two years, when I was free from abuse, I then went back to him?! I am a stupid person. It hurts me so much as my child loves his dad so much and always talks about him but I will know he will suffer..

Report to the police. Move house. Cut contact with him. Get a non-molestation order.

None of this is your fault.

Utter rubbish. And you know you’re talking rubbish.
Would you expect your daughter to be treated like this? Would you allow a man to abuse your daughter?
You are your own person, no one owns you. You split from your husband he doesn’t tell you how to live your life.
Get a cheap phone, give him that number to text re arrangements for your child. No other contact.
Or up sticks ( as I did) move 100 miles away and forget about this piece of shit.

Not sure what type of phone you're using, but here's a list of apps for both Android and IPhone. Some models also have an inbuilt recording feature.

www.softwaretestinghelp.com/call-recorder-apps/

You've been with him since you were 15. You don't know adult life without him. You have a child together. You live in a society which prizes 'coupledom' before all else. AND HE TOLD YOU HE HAD CHANGED.

Small wonder you went back to him. Women go back to their abusers all the time love, you're not the first and you won't be the last. What you (we) have to focus on now is getting you clear and safe, and making sure you have the power to make different choices in the future.

Please, I beg of you, contact woman's Aid. They will have seen this before and they will help.

This

OP - it is SO normal for abused women to keep returning to their abuser. Apparently it takes an abused woman on average 7 attempts to get away - and that’s the average which means it takes some women many more attempts.

There is a cycle of abuse whereby the abuser behaves horribly and then cycles round to love-bombing their victim for a bit to stop their victim from walking away. It’s an incredibly toxic and somewhat addictive dynamic. This is all on your ex.

Take the new council accommodation. Report the threats to the police and contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence about getting a non-molestation order.

Roughly how old is your son?

You're not stupid. You keep going back because you have low self esteem and expectations of relationships.

You don't think you can get better.

You want your family to stay together.

You wonder whether it's normal.

You think, if you can change things, the abuse will stop.

It won't stop, ever. Abusive people usually remain abusive. Because it's not about who there with, it's about themselves. Your ex thinks it's acceptable to hurt his partner. He wants someone who will do exactly what he wants, so he controls you. He hurts you to keep you in line. To make himself feel like the alpha male, successful, desired, on top.

You've left him once, you can do it again. But I agree with others, he sounds unsafe so I would talk to women's aid about how safest to cut him off. I would also call the police, explain the situation and ask them to put a marker on your house. So that if he comes over and makes you feel unsafe, you can call them and they'll respond with high priority.

All the best. You sound brave and switched on to me. I admire your strength and hope you can carve out a life of peace and freedom for you and your child.

It's illegal for him to threaten you @Chickenandnoodles . Reporting him would be the best thing to do for both you and other family members. YOu taking him back in the past, doesn't mean you deserve him threatening you.

There is something wrong with me.

These sort of men make us feel far more mental than we really are.

I kept going back and back and back. Even after two years, when I was free from abuse, I then went back to him?

This happens all the time- these sort of men have a hold over women. But you have split with him now. Write this out 100 times. It doesn't matter if you got back with him in the past; you're no longer with him.