Done something stupid now can't leave

[Chickenandnoodles]

I went back to my abusive ex. We have a child together. After two years of not speaking- he went to domestic violence classes, has regular counselling, he told me that he has seen the error of his ways (he has never said this before) and that he has changed.

I thought I could be happy again but I couldn't forget what he did to me and I ended up being horrible to him (in the hope he would end things) but he sucked it up, he told me that he knew I was hurting and it would be alright, I would learn to trust him again. I said I couldn't forget and it would never be the same and that I have to do this for our child and it's best that we break up, that he deserves to be with someone that loves him, that's not scared of him, that is not horrible to him. But he got very upset and took pain killers to try to end his life.

Feeling guilty of what I caused. The next day I saw him at hospital and spent the night with him. At 4am, he kept going on about why have I been horrible to him and that he took his life. I told him not now as I have to get up very early to take our child to his classes. He immediately began to violently kick me, and told me "What did you say?! When it was your fault that I was in hospital". He was really angry. Hands clenched, I had to keep him happy, any I'll word against him, I knew would end with a punch up. When I was about to leave, he was very horrible, told me that why didn't I iron up my clothes, that he doesn't want to see me dressed like that again. I said "sorry sorry" as I knew that if I said anything, he would get angry.

When we left and he dropped me off at the station, he was becoming irate and shouty because I told him that I wanted to take a particular train as I would catch the other train in time. He shouted that I was stupid and I don't know what I'm talking about. A couple who witnessed everything, just looked at him and I said "see, people are seeing your behaviour". Then he said "so what, at least I'm real, I don't try to hide who I am, unlike you".

When I returned home. I had a sigh of relief. I thought I wasn't going to make it out alive. He then rang me and apologised. I bursted out crying saying that this cannot continue.

Weeks later on, he kept calling me. I told him that we were over and that he should only call for our child. He said that he accepts that it's Over but I cannot be in another relationship with someone else and that if I do, then I know what's going to happen to me.

In honesty, I am happy to have this arrangement. If that means peace and him not going to harm me. Then so be it. But he keeps on calling me and I don't answer. He become irate when I do. I just don't know what to do anymore or why I'm
Posting. I just have to make my bed and lie in it.

Please. Speak to police. For your sake and that of your child.

Thats exactly what he wants you to feel. You owe him nothing. Continue to ignore his calls. Keep any threatening messages and report him to the Police

You need to report this. His behaviour is clearly escalating. You CAN get help to get out this situation

It's not 'like' he's threatening you - he IS threatening you!! You need to report him to the police.

He is threatening you 'If I see you you know what will happen', when he has attacked you before, it an actual threat!

Go to the police. If not for yourself, at least for your child.

He will start on your child at some point if you stay with him. Protect your child!

You need to report his abuse and harassment. and block him. Call Womens Aid for advice. Set up an email account specifically for correspondence about dc. Have ss ever been involved? If you cannot keep yourself safe, there is a risk to your dc.

I'm so sorry OP please let the police know and call women’s aid. He will end up killing you and your child, or just your child to spite you if you don’t let the authorities know.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't leave you're child with him too. Psychos like this hurt children to get to their Victims. He's a complete psycho.

Next time can you record his calls too as proof.

Get a non molestation order and get rid of him. You have not caused this and you have not made your bed so do not lie in it

Hi OP, I know you feel lost right now but you must contact woman’s aid and the police, do you have family and friends who can help you make a plan of action.
You need to keep this man away from you and your child, he is not a good father to have around and he poses a huge risk to both yourself and your child.
Ideally you need to move home and not tell him where you are, change your mobile phone number, remove yourself from social media etc. I’m sure woman’s aid can help you and they will support you and your child.

Let the police sort it out. And a solicitor.

He has threatened you. He can email or text if he wants to discuss your bairn.

You gave him a chance. He blew it. Made your bed? You’ve only just put on the sheet. You deserve a better life.

He is saying he will kill you
Get the police on this immediately. Stop wondering why he does it. Just do something different now and call the police right now. This man is not safe. He could mow you down in his car or anything.
And if he threatens to kill himself let the police deal with that too.

If this was your sister or friend, would you say the same to her? Of course you wouldn't. He has no right to order you about, no right to threaten you till you obey, no right to terrify you and your child. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to get far away from this man and never see or hear from him again. If it means you have to get a non-molestation order, or moving house then that's what needs to happen. You deserve happiness and peace. He has no rights over you.

This.

You aren't safe.

Your child isn't safe.

Call womens aid today and tell them you're desperate for help and that this time you will fully co-operate with the authorities to be safe and have your child be safe.

I hate to say it but he isn't just threatening you, men like him see children as an extension of the children's mother and a way to control.

Make no mistake, he's threatening them too.

And if he did follow through and hurt you but not your child, your child may then be in his custody.

It's not enough to say you've made your bed and are basically giving up.

Your child needs their mum and deserves to be safe.

Please, call women's aid even if you feel too overwhelmed to call the police.

No, definitely not. Nearly every victim of domestic abuse goes back (some multiple times).
Forget that & focus on getting yourself away from this manipulative, violent man. He hasn't changed, they never do - even with DV programmes.
Please listen to those of us who've been in your position & do whatever you have to do to escape his abuse.

You need some protection from the Police asap to be sure your child doesn’t end up Wo a mother.

Yes you have left the house you were sharing but you are now at the now vulnerable and dangerous time of leaving an abusive relationship.
YOU NEED HELP AND SUPPORT IN RL

Sorry for shouting but your ds deserve a life where his mum is present and has never been in danger for her life.

How can I do this?

But I was horrible to him when we got back together..... his right in that. So I am partial to blame.

I have never lived with him before as I strongly suspected that if I ever did, the abuse would escalate and didn't want our child to grow up in a household like that and I was afraid of him.

I have, at the back of my mind, always wondered what it would have been like to live with him... and maybe things would get better...

I don't want to report him to the police as I brought this on myself. I was the one who took him back. However, I have contacted my council a while back, anywho,and they have agreed to find me urgent private accommodation due to my current situation,

I don't want to report him to the police as I brought this on myself. I was the one who took him back. However, I have contacted my council a while back, anywho,and they have agreed to find me urgent private accommodation due to my current situation.

Are you co-operating with them and making this happen?

You say you brought it on yourself. Even if you do believe that, what about your child?!

They have no choice in this and are being put at risk because you're refusing to accept help as you feel responsible.

This is going to sound harsh, but stop feeling guilty for going back to him and start feeling guilty for keeping him in your life, and your child's.

Oh fuck that!

Sorry about the swearing. But you ‘nit being very nice to him’ doesn’t allow him to be abusive and to threaten you the way he does.
You having made a mistake by going to live with him doesn’t mean he is now allowed to rule your life and you are not allowed to protect yourself. It would be like saying that you shouldn’t contact the Police after being mugged or raped because you made a mistake in walking alone at 10.00pm at night. It’s rubbish and you know it.

Stop pandering to him. Stop protecting him.
You deserve better, despite what he is telling you.

You may be toxic together but that does not excuse his abuse of you. He is gaslighting you , saying it is your responsibility, that you deserve it. WA will listen, support you , do the Freedom course, put distance between you and move forwards. Your child deserves better even if you believe you do not.

You are NOT to blame .
Please contact Womans Aid and the police.
He is threatening to kill your child's mother, for them to grow up without you. Think on that.

Please OP you need to stop blaming yourself, his behaviour is the root of all of this.

You need to phone the police, he has threatened to kill you. Do you want your child left without a mother? You must take steps to protect your child and yourself.

You are not to blame for his abuse- he's clearly a violent and dangerous man. But you have to take action now- handwringing about the past will not protect you or your child.

You need to report his threats to the police. You need to seek support from a health professional, or DV/women's aid charity working in your area. There has to be an audit trail showing how dangerous he is, because you are going to need to ask for him to have supervised contact only with your child- your child is at risk. If your keep returning to a known abuser, there are big questions around whether you are able to keep your child safe.

Is your child at school? Schools can help set up teams which pull together professionals to help and support families where there is a safeguarding risk.

You sound numbed to the violence and threats. You don't have to accept this, for you or your child.

You were probably 'not being very nice' because you were testing him; subconsciously you knew he hadn't changed, you were prodding the beast so to speak - in a way it's a defence mechanism. At some level you probably knew, deep down, he was pretending - as soon as he's exploded like the abusive fuck that he is you've recoiled and went back to the status quo. NONE of this is your fault - I could do anything to provoke my DH and he would never react the way your DP did, never.

The 'suicide attempt' is just part of his manipulation of you - ignore that, he isn't your responsibility.

You didn't make your bed - he did, don't allow him to make you lay in it. You are not part of him, you are your own person, he has no say in what you do, don't let him have that power.

If you don't report him for you please report him for your child. Imagine your little one growing up without their mum - because that's exactly where this is leading. Protect yourself for your DCs sake. Please please get help - I have a DD your age and I would be devastated if she was going through this. You can do it; you sound like an excellent mum, find your strength from that