Unexpected 3rd pregnancy... Husband does not want another child

[CD1107]

So just a bit of background, we have 2 sons, a 12 and a 11 year old. Over the years, I always felt that I wanted a third child, we never tried for one, but I always thought that if it happens it happens. Husband has always been against the idea of a third child. Neither one of us used contraception.

Last weekend, I found out I was pregnant. After telling my husband this, he did not say anything about it for 2 days. When I asked him how he was feeling, he told me that he's not having another child, and that was that, nothing to negotiate of discuss. I asked him, are you saying that I need to terminate the pregnancy? He said, I don't want another child.

It broke my heart when he said this, I could not stop the tears from running down my face that night. I ended the conversation by telling him that unfortunately we are not going to come an agreement about this tonight.

Its been 3 days, we've both avoided talking about the pregnancy, I feel lost and so alone. Is he expecting me to host "go and sort it out"? I know I want to keep our baby, but don't know if he will threaten to leave if I tell him I'm not having the abortion. Is he going to tell me I'm the selfish one for having this baby against his will?

I would love to hear advice from anyone that knows or has been in a situation like this? I don't know what to do.

How does this work?
Husband has always been against the idea of a third child. Neither one of us used contraception.

Didn’t you post about this recently?

No this is the first time I've posted.

if neither of you are using contraception, how on earth did he expect you not to get pregnant? I can't get my head around this. When I didn't want to be pregnant I did everything to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant. I'm sure dh would have done the same. Does he not understand cause and effect? is he stupid?

And "he's not having another child" well how is that going to work for him if you are going to continue with this pregnancy that neither of you tried to prevent.

I'd be focusing on your marriage and getting some help here because you both seem away with the fairies when it comes to conception and he seems absolutely out of the loop in what he thinks might happen - if i say I don't want another child it won't happen - like seriously? . and both of you seem incapable of communicating.

If he didn't use contraception and he knew you weren't either then what did he think would happen?
I think he lost the right to say no to another child if he wasn't doing anything to actively stop this happening.

Your choices:
— you have an abortion; will resent him and regret not having the child you clearly want to keep… Not sure your relationship will survive

— you keep the baby as you want it. Your H will either stay and get over being an ass; or will leave and show everybody what sort of man he is.

No way I’d be having an abortion to possibly keep a man under these circumstances. If he didn’t want more children - he should have gotten a snip. Or at the very least used condoms.

Sorry but you have 2 kids that are 11 and 12. How have you not fallen pregnant before now?

So he thinks he gets to orgasm inside your vagina without a condom, because it feels a little bit nicer, and then when you inevitably get pregnant, can send you off to have a potentially traumatic abortion.
Just let that sink in.
His please to him, is worth you going through an abortion, and that’s preferable to him than wearing a condom or getting the snip.

Sorry, but I have to add as well, with all this discussion around abortion recently, and the number of American men especially, claiming women use it as birth control, well here’s an example of how men use abortion as birth control.

You need to decide if you’re happy to have a third child as a single parent. Also the possibility of dealing with a child whose father has emotionally rejected them.

Your marriage is probably over, you keep the baby he resents you m you abort you resent him ! Ignoring the problem won't help, you need to discuss it properly

If he didn't want a 3rd child he should have gotten a vasectomy or used condoms (neither of which are 100% reliable either).

It seems he was aware you weren't using contraception either (?)

Having impregnated you, he now does not have the right to say to simply doesbt want/isn't having a 3rd child. He

He cannot expect any woman, let alone his wife, to have an abortion.

He will probably threaten to leave, some of them threaten suicide.

He probably won't leave, but you've seen his levels of integrity & responsibility now.

Is he going to tell me I'm the selfish one for having this baby against his will?

While he's not selfish for expecting hos wife and mother of his kids to abort his child - conceived while knowingly using no contraception??

Wow what a horrible man

so he chose to have sex with you without using contraception, and when you end up pregnant, he decides he’s not having a child and you have to pop yourself off to the abortion clinic? Nah

plrase please do not terminate this pregnancy if you want to keep the baby. You will live a lifetime of resentment and your marriage would probably fail anyway

keep the baby. Your husband will either get over his childish hissy fit or he will leave. If he didn’t want a baby he should’ve used a condom but he CHOSE not to

He is having a third child though isn’t he. You want the baby, he knowingly had unprotected sex with you and after two he knew how babies were made.

He may be shocked it’s happened after 11 years, as you may be too, but it has happened so he can stay and get used to it or fuck off and explain to your kids why he left you.

He's an idiot for having unprotected sex and then complaining after. Get a vasectomy.

However, it's also not a great idea to get pregnant with a baby (even though you want it) when the father doesn't want it. I did, and it was very hard the first 6 months because there was little bond there with DH. He was stupid, but it was hardly my wisest choice, either.

You will probably end up doing everything unless he comes around quickly. But i wouldn't abort for that bloke either, keep your baby. Just don't be surprised if things aren't perfect, unfortunately

I'm sorry; that's horrible. Is there anyone you can talk with in real life, even just to help you organise your thoughts, have a sounding board, and feel less alone?

... he told me that he's not having another child, and that was that, nothing to negotiate of discuss. As things stand now, he is having another child. He will be 50% responsible for that child's care and upbringing, both financially and on a practical level. That's (assuming you are in the UK) the law, but it's also the reality. The child will also be the sibling of his existing children. If he needs help to come to terms with this, he should seek it now. You've told him you don't want an abortion, so he certainly should not assume you'll go off and have one; that's insane! Not talking about the pregnancy won't make it go away.

As others have said, an additional pregnancy was likely under the circumstances. I'm not sure exactly what the understanding was between the two of you - it sounds like he said he didn't want another child, but did absolutely nothing to prevent it, while knowing you were also doing nothing to prevent it? The logical thing to do in his case would have been to have a vasectomy, but there were also a whole host of options like using a condom, discussing various other methods with you, or abstaining. All that is irrelevant now, though. He is responsible as much as you for the current situation.

Only you can decide how you feel about a possible abortion. I'm extremely "pro choice" and would never try to talk anyone out of an abortion they'd decided was the best available course of action for them, but no one should (or really can) talk anyone into one either. You can listen to his feelings and take them into consideration - and obviously it would help hugely for you to understand what he's planning to do - but it sounds like he's refusing to talk except for giving an unrealistic, unclear, and anyway inappropriate ultimatum.

For what it's worth, I have friends who were in a similar situation to you with two near-teen boys (although they were using contraception, and hadn't really discussed a possible third child). They decided together to abort, but it was a very difficult decision involving a lot of honest discussion between them and they both had mixed feelings and misgivings. (He also had a vasectomy immediately afterwards.)

I hope your husband comes to his senses and takes responsibility and communicates with you, but three days is a LONG time for him to be an absolute dickhead while his wife is clearly suffering. If he won't talk, all you can do as proceed as you think and feel is best without his input, but unless there's a real turnaround and sincere apology, his mishandling of this unfortunately may damage your relationship beyond repair. At this point, I think one of the things you have to consider is how you'd proceed with him out of the picture completely.

He's being a twat OP. It might be partly shock and he'll come round to the idea, but please don't abort a baby that you want.

You want a 3rd child he doesn’t. Either way your marriage is over. He isn’t the bad guy for not wanting a child but contraception should have been used from his side if he didn’t. Can you manage as a single mum? Think carefully about what’s best for you?

OP you just do whats right for you. Do not terminate if thats not what you want. Hes being cruel to you at a time he should be supporting you. If he didn’t want more children he should have had a vasectomy. Hes responsible for your pregnancy to, the sooner he realises that the better. Otherwise do you think you could do it alone? Are you financially independant?

I think you've both been very irresponsible here. Him because he should've taken steps to prevent pregnant and you because you already knew he didn't want a 3rd child but buried your head in the sand perhaps in the hope that he'd accept it if it happened- which he hasn't.

Ultimately it is your decision. I would keep the baby as I personally couldn't terminate.

I've been in a somewhat similar position. Xh said he was going to leave if I had the baby (that we'd both planned!!) and indeed he did leave, though 5 years later. If I could go back I wouldn't have continued with the pregnancy, I hate being a single mother. I adore my child though.

OP He sounds horrible.
I suppose the question is do you want to be a single parent of 3?
Can you suggest therapy to help discuss it?
Hugs btw x

I'm sure your doing a cracking Job! Many mums will tell you on here... and IRL that their OH isn't a great help anyway!

Does your XDH see his child now? It's very drastic indeed just to walk out and not calm down.

100% this ^