Unexpected 3rd pregnancy... Husband does not want another child

[CD1107]

So just a bit of background, we have 2 sons, a 12 and a 11 year old. Over the years, I always felt that I wanted a third child, we never tried for one, but I always thought that if it happens it happens. Husband has always been against the idea of a third child. Neither one of us used contraception.

Last weekend, I found out I was pregnant. After telling my husband this, he did not say anything about it for 2 days. When I asked him how he was feeling, he told me that he's not having another child, and that was that, nothing to negotiate of discuss. I asked him, are you saying that I need to terminate the pregnancy? He said, I don't want another child.

It broke my heart when he said this, I could not stop the tears from running down my face that night. I ended the conversation by telling him that unfortunately we are not going to come an agreement about this tonight.

Its been 3 days, we've both avoided talking about the pregnancy, I feel lost and so alone. Is he expecting me to host "go and sort it out"? I know I want to keep our baby, but don't know if he will threaten to leave if I tell him I'm not having the abortion. Is he going to tell me I'm the selfish one for having this baby against his will?

I would love to hear advice from anyone that knows or has been in a situation like this? I don't know what to do.

I have reported my own post as I understand it is seen as a personal attack. Apologies, didn't mean to be nasty it was just triggering for me.

Can he get a tattoo that he can see at all times, saying ‘not using any contraception is trying to conceive’?

As well as being incredibly stupid, he’s cruel and doesn’t care too much about you, judging by his actions and words.

Mens choices:
-abstain from Piv sex
-use condoms
-have a vasectomy

That’s it. Men’s choices do not include coercing women into abortions, or offering themselves as the prize if a woman aborts. Do what you want.

I think I need to be clear on something. You have an 11 year age gap so presumably you have been dtd for 11 years and not gotten pregnant. So that brings the question that have you always been on contraceptive the whole time? Did he know that you’re no longer on contraception and then dtd expecting nothing to happen because in that case, he’s a right twat.
As otherwise if you sabotaged the contraception on purpose because you always wanted a child and he’s against another one without telling him in advance then I’ll say that not good partnership (a friend of mine did this twice because she always wanted 4 children but her husband was bent on only having 2 and she claimed it was a mistake both times, they had a tough year after the 4th child was born because she confessed to what she did but now 7 years later, they seem happy)
Either way, your husband has had unprotected and you’re pregnant now, he has to accept this now and both of you can then sit down and speak like adults

He lost the right to have an opinion when he declined to use contraception. You do you OP.

Is the contraception thing due to your religion? I know some religions forbid contraception, and I always wondered how they don’t end up getting pregnant every time they have sex. I know there are things you can do to avoid it without the use of contraception, but it’s very unreliable. I think you’re both at fault, but it’s unfair of him to expect you to abort when he obviously knows the chance of pregnancy was going to be high. I think you might have to resign yourself to being a single mum if you go ahead, as he sounds to be pretty adamant that he doesn’t want another child.

You need to do what is right for you. You understand that if you do nothing for long enough you'll need to book in with a midwife at some point. If you want this baby (and this is YOUR choice now, not his) then just fail to book an appointment with a doctor for a few weeks, don't take abortion pills or turn up at a hospital for a procedure.

Your husband can live with his contraceptive choice outcome. He's got months to come to terms with it.

That's what I was wondering too.

So that brings the question that have you always been on contraceptive the whole time?

OP said 'neither one of us has used contraception.' So I read it as neither one of them has used contraception in the eleven years.

A lot of people use the 'pull out method' and it seems it's more reliable than I imagined. (I've never used it as we were told it was unreliable at school.) So in theory it could be ok for years, though I wouldn't rely on it or want it myself.

I had a surprise pregnancy after five years, but both I and my ex had fertility problems so had kind of forgot we were trying after nothing happened for years.

If you don't want an abortion don't have an abortion.

Start planning on having the baby and tell your dh he can either stay or leave, if he stays he needs to be fully committed to supporting his family.

Personally I'd be hoping he left, he sounds awful.

If he definitely didn't want a baby he could have got the snip years ago.

Is he a bit thick? Does he not know how babies happen? Don't let him pressure you into an abortion if you don't want it.

Did he know you weren't on anything? Just two babies in two years and then nothing for 11 years sounds strange.

The two most important people to be considered here should be your two sons, and how what happens next will impact them.

You've both been really irresponsible. Clearly your husband is a dick for not using contraception, but you also knew that this was the likely scenario if you did get pregnant. He hasn't suddenly changed his mind.

If you keep this baby and your marriage fails then the fall out for your sons will be huge, financially, practically, emotionally. They will have to split their time between two homes and their mother will be hugely less available to them because she is caring single-handedly for a newborn (and then a toddler, and then a preschooler).

I say this as a third child who was wanted by my mother (contraception sabotage) and not my father. The impact of my mother's decision has had lifelong consequences for both me and my older siblings. My parents marriage struggled on for several years after but eventually broke down, and everyone was left poorer and unhappier.

As adults they have acknowledged the impact me being born had on them. They don't resent me and I have a good relationship with them, but deep down there is resentment towards my mother for not putting her existing children first. I'm also resentful of the fact I was born to a father who I knew didn't want me - I had an OK relationship with him, and he did his best, but it massively impacted me if I'm honest.

What did you do
@CD1107

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave another OP in similar circumstances.
If having this baby causes irreparable damage to your marriage, so will having a termination that you have been coerced into. Whatever happens here has to be your choice.
If he didn't want to risk another pregnancy, he could have gone and bought condoms, or considered a vasectomy.

Tough on the baby to work out when able to realise what happened that s/he is there by accident 12 years late and feel unwanted.
Better to have an abortion and both of you have surgical work on reproductive organs. Also switch your brains on.

You’re both at fault. But, shit head as he is, you knew he didn’t want another yet also never used contraception. As much as this won’t go down well here, women have to take the lead on proper contraception as they’re the ones (obvs) that are going to get pregnant.

@maddiemookins16mum I agree with that stance.... men are often lax about doing things. I can't imagine leaving contraception down to a man. I'd have about 8 kids by now. Women are left holding the baby!

This happened to my friend - she had the baby and her relationship limped on for eight years but never recovered. But it would have never recovered from an abortion she didn’t want either.

he's not having another child

He is having another child if you want to continue the pregnancy. So that ship has sailed.

You have both been massively irresponsible as parents already to two boys.

You have both really played roulette with your marriage.

I actually think it will be difficult to get past this.

Do not have an abortion to save your marriage, it will never survive.

Start doing the math of separation as that is whatvis most likely.

Hard to believe two adults would be so cavalier with a marriage.

You will NEVER forgive him if you get rid of a much wanted baby for his own selfish reasons. He helped make the baby, yet you need to go through the trauma of an abortion because he regrets his decision to have unprotected sex? You will always regret this, if this isn't what you want to do. Your marriage will suffer or even be over, depending on how hard you find it to cope with being bullied into getting rid of a wanted child. So it's not like an abortion will save your marriage.

Whereas, you will never regret keeping your baby. Even when it's tough, when your baby is here you will love them as much as your other children. Please don't get rid of a wanted child. It will be so painful - it is painful enough to get rid of an unwanted child.

My thoughts exactly!

It’s well and good saying ‘have the baby’ he has no choice. But it’s a complex situation. Are you working? If not were you planing to go back once both kids were in secondary school? Is money tight? Is your home big enough or will you have to move? Can you afford to move? In an ideal world this would be a no brainer and you really have to think it through. But ultimately make the best decision for you and your family. And remember your husband may or may not be involved and from I can tell (from mums net, he won’t necessarily pay child support either!)