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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband deletes everything from phone

62 replies

rosyposey23 · 27/07/2022 18:37

I came on here and few months ago has I found WhatsApp calls between my husband and a woman who he said was just a friend from years ago.
I asked to speak to her but he said no so I blew my top and kicked him out( These were video calls at 4 in the morning and calls at lunchtime and tea time,he works away Mon to Friday)

We did a lot of talking while he was away. I don't believe it was just friendly chat but he said he has deleted her from WhatsApp and blocked her on Facebook which he has .
This woman he had a affair with years ago when he was previously married she is also married to the same man.
I also wanted to have access to his phone because my phone is unlocked and I have nothing to hide and I feel he should do the same.
But now everything is deleted all history from Google (l found lots of porn and camsites with girls) He said he just looks but doesn't interact but I said I don't mind porn but feel cam girls are crossing the line!
Hes a big flirt and I absolutely hate it he knows it makes me go nuts and we have had many a barny over him doing the whole Mr charming man routine...
While we were on our break his old phone had a issue with moisture so he bought a new phone but when he came back he put it in rice and it started to work.
Hes now using the new phone but the old one has disappeared.
We have a drawer with old phones in it but I just can't find it..
I also found a old Nokia touch screen phone in his laptop bag when he came home was never there before but I can't get into it..I don't have a charger that fits it .

So what I am asking is if I can get it charged how do you open it if its locked and can you take the sim out and put it in your phone would you see whats on it.
I need to put my mind at rest i believe hes doing things that I wouldn't be happy about. I don't know if its chat sites or other woman but I need to know so I can start to trust or End it for good.
I just have this terrible feeling I am being cheated on

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/07/2022 18:38

What a way to live 😔

ChrisTrepidation · 27/07/2022 18:40

I wouldn't even bother. I'd just leave him. He's a cheater and you deserve better op.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2022 18:49

Do you really want to live like this OP? He's a serial cheater. He's not even hiding it very well. Because you let him get away with it last time. I don't understand why you didn't leave him then? Do you have children?

He won't change. This is who he is. You deserve better. Please start valuing yourself and get rid of this man.

Original poster
rosyposey23 · 27/07/2022 18:53

Yes but I need proof..
He said that they were just friends but I know there is more to it but I didn't see any messages .
If I saw messages that were more than friendly banter obviously I would end it but he made me feel maybe I was overeating I would absolutely end the relationship

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/07/2022 18:54

but I know there is more to it

why don’t you trust yourself ? Don’t put your trust in him, he is a liar and a piefaced skank

PetalParty · 27/07/2022 18:55

Don’t let him turn you into a suspicious paranoid wreck, it will make you ill.

You don’t need proof, lack of trust is enough to end any relationship.

1VY · 27/07/2022 18:58

Your mind will never be at rest until you leave him.
You will never be able to trust him.
If he’s not cheating now he will be soon.

BongoJim · 27/07/2022 19:00

If you are already this paranoid then the relationship is over anyway. What proof do you need? Just end it and save your own sanity.

Original poster
rosyposey23 · 27/07/2022 19:02

There is no children

Watching porn isn't cheating though although I hate the cam sites and he knows i will go ape shit if he visits them .
Hes a flirt but I think he does it for attention.
Very sad I know 😞
But I need evidence

OP posts:
IR230622 · 27/07/2022 19:03

Personally I'd just leave (even though I realise that's easier said than done). If there is no trust there is no point. What happens if you don't find anything? Doesn't prove he isn't cheating. Tbh it sounds like he is from what you've written. If you absolutely want to try and find stuff on the phone, you can try putting the sim in yours but I don't think it will work. Sorry op

HernamewasMary · 27/07/2022 19:04

Wow, my ex had a pin lock on his phone when we were together so I do the same now. Just saying

IR230622 · 27/07/2022 19:05

Other option would be to make him show you messages straight away before he can delete. But tbh he will just turn it around on you and gaslight you into thinking he's done nothing wrong because he won't want to show you the messages

HernamewasMary · 27/07/2022 19:06

Take a few pics and be off

Cornflakegirll · 27/07/2022 19:07

The absolute minimum for reconciliation is transparency. He’s deleted the history so you will never know the extent of his cheating AND the phone has now ‘disappeared’ giving him the perfect burner phone for continuing his affair. An affair with a woman he has previously cheated with? Plus you consider cam girls a boundary which you know he has crossed?

I can’t for the life of me work out what more proof you need? I’m sorry but we live one life and you’re wasting yours with a man who doesn’t deserve you!

PersonaNonGarter · 27/07/2022 19:08

You don’t need evidence - there’s no judge apart from you. Just leave. Get out. Put this behind you. This creepy guy can be history.

RubricEnemy · 27/07/2022 19:09

You don't need evidence. You need the courage and conviction to leave him.

Cornflakegirll · 27/07/2022 19:09

Just to add the burden to prove his innocence doesn’t fall on you, it falls on him IF he wants to stay with you and it’s abundantly clear he has zero intention of taking that burden on! That tells you all you need to know!

PetalParty · 27/07/2022 19:11

For some people, all the evidence in the world isn’t enough to convince them, they will be talked out of it, or talk themselves out of it.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2022 19:11

Have a little think about what this so-called “evidence” needs to be before you are done

Finding him balls-deep ?

you have enough, you just don’t want to end it. Christ knows why, this bloke sounds like pure sleaze

WidgetDigit2022 · 27/07/2022 19:12

He's cheating. You know it. He knows it.

You just don't want to believe it.

You deserve better. You don't need proof, you know he's cheating.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/07/2022 19:14

You don’t need evidence. You have the right to end a relationship any time for any reason. The trust is broken and that is reason enough. It doesn’t really matter if he is or isn’t doing things, you don’t trust him and so you are not happy in the relationship and being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.

Blankbias · 27/07/2022 19:16

Why do you need evidence? You don’t trust him, that’s enough. You can’t live like this.

ihavenocats · 27/07/2022 19:20

rosyposey23 · 27/07/2022 18:53

Yes but I need proof..
He said that they were just friends but I know there is more to it but I didn't see any messages .
If I saw messages that were more than friendly banter obviously I would end it but he made me feel maybe I was overeating I would absolutely end the relationship

Why do you need proof of sex? He was video calling a woman at 4am and that's not okay.

We all know what this is about. Don't let him play dumb.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 27/07/2022 19:37

My ExH did this. His phone never left his side either. Ten years I wasted with him, and I was such a mistrusting, anxious wreck it made me ill.

It's not worth it. You'll mourn for every future second lost to being with this skank, OP.

Canabelievethis · 27/07/2022 19:51

Where is his respect for you in all this OP? I have been there in your shoes, I know how you feel and all the while he is gaslighting you. Stonewalling, lying, billy bullshitting making you out to be the paranoid over reactive wife, denying him his bit of fun.

He is pulling the wool over your eyes, indulging his sense of entitlement for cheap thrills, attention and ego stroking. Some men are so pathetic and lack any integrity...you have to find your anger, throw his sorry arse out.

Please do not indulge him in this behaviour. Don't enter into negotiations just get rid.

What you allow continues!