I can't seem to forgive my DH (all the time)

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband has made a few mistakes (although they're basically the same over 4 years). To be frank when I don't think about it I'm ok and in fact I am.very happy with him, but then I remember what he's done and get angry again. Any way to get out of this rut?

I'm not trying to justify him, but I think he's background/upbringing hasn't helped much. He came from always being on the breadline to have enough to even have "treats". Yes, we were struggling, but we never had to sell anything to get extra cash, or stop having steak because it was too expensive (or not being able to afford a car). In his previous life he heavily relied on tax credits / housing benefit. So I think a new reality where none of that applied baffled him. My SIL for example, couldn't comprehend why would I buy a brand new Audi for myself (to which I replied, "well I make enough money myself for it, so why wouldn't l?") - that was dependent on an extra cash flow that is on hold for now. My MIL came to visit and she was also incredibly baffled that I really didn't do as much housework as she expected. Again, I had to reply that I work 50-60 hours at times and that frankly I can't be bothered! My husband himself has said that we're the first couple he knows where roles are reversed.

I'm not trying to justify him, but I think he's background/upbringing hasn't helped much

His background and upbringing aren't relevant unless you're trying to justify him. Why else would you be mentioning them, if not to explain away his behaviour?

Not the money thing, there's genuinely no justification there. But overall I think it's been a cultural shock at times.

Yes but so what? He spent money you didn't have, and kept it from you. What does cultural shock not regarding that have to do with the fact that you can't trust him?

Again it's not a trust issue per se. If I can audit that's good enough for me. Is more the side of being completely irresponsible, selfishness, and the disregard for the household as a whole.

Yes, we were struggling, but we never had to sell anything to get extra cash, or stop having steak because it was too expensive (or not being able to afford a car).

What did struggling look like to you? Genuine question as I wonder if because of his background, he didn't think you were struggling as a family. As if you never had to sell anything / stop having steak / could always get a car, it may be that to him (with his background) he thought you were financially stable as a couple.

Which is no excuse for him lying by omission about something so important, at all. I couldn't be with someone who secretly spent money we didn't have or forced me to dip into savings without an open discussion about finances.

Just wondering if that difference in background, and perception of what struggling versus being financially well off, is at the root of this. As most people wouldn't define your situation as struggling if it was as outlined above.

Again, not excusing him lying. Just food for thought in general.

Again though, I remember your username and I think when it comes to a few key things, like finances and parenting, you seem to be on different pages.

He does sound selfish OP and irresponsible. And quite immature also.

It's ok that you think those things about him and that they are big turn offs or dealbreakers. They would be for most people.

I don't think there's a hack for forgiveness, you either can or you can't and it's personal.

I'd say he's let you down in many ways, not just financially. This would be hard to come back from for me:

When I had the first preliminary results of my cancer investigation I had to beg him to stay with me

wellhell you do raise a good question (and where I was trying to get to). To me in he sense that we lived, we were struggling because, we couldn't save any money. Most purchases were planned and we had to truly stick to budgets. We would often prioritise going out for a meal than say buy new cutlery/bedding. We were "cheap" with the DC for Christmas (£50 was the budget). So yes, I think to many we wouldn't look like we were struggling but to me we were. I still haven't changed the crockery! We never went without, but I did wonder how were we going to afford my ML. My then boss was very kind and that covered it.

Wow I missed that - I couldn't get past that, ever.

Again it's not a trust issue per se. If I can audit that's good enough for me

I can't work out if you're saying it's not a trust issue because a) you can't trust him, but that's not what bothers you, or b) you have alleviated the fact that you can't trust him by restricting his access?

But, either way, can you not understand that you can't have a successful relationship with someone who isn't trustworthy?

Okay your cancer tests shows how little he cares. He spends tens of thousands if your money and you are wondering why you can’t get past it? 😞