I can't seem to forgive my DH (all the time)

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband has made a few mistakes (although they're basically the same over 4 years). To be frank when I don't think about it I'm ok and in fact I am.very happy with him, but then I remember what he's done and get angry again. Any way to get out of this rut?

I think as long as I stay in charge of the household finances it should be ok. It's mentally (and almost physically) taxing.

I remember your user name @Onlyrainbows and I think you are trying to hold on to something that isnt there. From your threads I just dont think he has your family/you at the centre of all he does and often doesnt consider or listen to you at all.

And you run yourself ragged trying to solve and deal with all of this. You take on all the worry and he doesnt at all

This.

Do you think that you will ever be able to fully trust him?

I don't think I necessarily have a trust issue. The main thing has been financial and as long as I'm control it should all work

Surely you want a partner that is responsible enough that you don't need to 'control' all the money.
If you have to control it all to keep you both on the right track, then that is making him into a child and showing you that he is not mature enough to be trusted.

I don't see a long term future in this relationship.

No. The main issue is that he lied for years in order to make life better for him, and worse for you. Including marrying you while lying! What on earth makes you think that convenient and easy capacity for deceit won't be transferred to every other part of your life?

I guarantee if he fancies a shag with someone else, he'd choose lying over telling the truth.

Errmm ... you should have a trust issue op! He lied to you for years!

Again, it's not the lying. It's that he spent the money when he knew we needed it.

Why isn't it the lying though? Are you really not bothered that he lied to you / hid things from you? I find that surprising.

I think this is exactly the kind of issue that would benefit from couples counselling, as you are otherwise happy. Would you consider that?

At the moment though your solution is to ignore the lying and trust him as long as you have total control which surely you can see isnt a long term one.

Because if that is the case cant you see it isnt a long term solution.

In my previous marriage my husband did all the money admin and that was for the most part ok.he over complicated it but it did work for 7-8 years. Many, many couples get their salaries in the joint account, it's the ability to be able to audit it that I call control. Yet again, this type of lying I don't see it as a deal breaker, we all (or a majority) lie to cover our wrong doings. My ex husband did lie to me about moving to the US he even faked job applications to make me "happy" the truth is that he never had any intention to move across the pond and for me that was (and still is) a red line.

But if you cant (as your subject line says) forgive him and when you think about it you are angry it may well be more of a deal breaker than you think.

The one person you cant lie to is yourself and I think at the moment in this thread that is who you are lying to.

You seem to love your husband and you want to move on with this not being a dealbreaker and lying not being a big issue. And that is fine everyone has there own boundaries and beliefs as to what is and isnt a dealbreaker (and I have a vague memory you did a thread stating just that) and you are right.

Apart from the fact that I think deepdown your anger and inability to move on from this is showing you the opposite and that this It's that he spent the money when he knew we needed it. that when it came down to it he spent his money and left you dealing with it all.

And so I think you are left with a sense that when you need him to step up and put his family first he doesnt and that may well be more of a dealbreaker than you think.

Okay. If you want advice how to feel okay about this...

Could you reframe it in your mind, that all the actions he took, led you to now?

So he lied about his disposable income and that made it financially uncomfortable, but this drove you to pursue promotion/better career/higher salary.
This has led to an arrangement you're happy with - he does the majority of childcare & home stuff.
You now have transparency on finances & feel safer/ in control.

So essentially your current arrangement which (I think) you enjoy only occured because he is was a bellend.

He needs to try & make amends though. Even if it's a gesture - sell something, do a day's work at an event, just something to show he wants to pay off his debt & contribute.

You actually sound exhausted by it all in your posts @Onlyrainbows 💐

I think his inability to step up and stop being selfish is the main thing for sure. He just leaves me to deal with things, and even though I'm the one who handles it, he might still have an opinion and that does anger me.

I remember last year, nursery closed due to COVID and our toddler was off sick for a week or so (so I had him at home for three weeks while working). I almost had a mental breakdown and my husband was completely incapable of taking time off.

When I had the first preliminary results of my cancer investigation I had to beg him to stay with me, he agreed in the end, but at that point I didn't want him to stay.

He has some issues with taking time off when needed, but he seems to be changing in that way.

And you are just taking on more and more and exhausting yourself even more?

Part of you can’t possibly bear to let him go
Part of you knows that you already have

Groggy you're right in the sense that over the years it has been made somewhat clear that he'll have to make the adjustments to let me pursue my career. Where you're wrong is that I had a career when I met him, later on was made redundant and had a string of bad luck (or not so great jobs). After four years I'm finally back on my feet.

So why are you choosing men who are deceitful? Are they falling through the net because dishonesty is not a dealbreaker for you? How has this happened twice?

I only figured it out with my ex husband when I asked for a divorce, so I would never had figured it out from dating! With my current husband I think I was stupid, too in love, and genuinely didn't know what his salary was (I only did two years into the relationship).

@Onlyrainbows are your head and heart then in conflict with this.

Your head knows that you cant forgive and that it is too much to ask and he will never be the supportive husband that you need and there is only so much let down you can cope with

And your heart just loves him so much and that love means you have ignored things and want to continue now

My head says he's not perfect and nobody is. Besides there's an element of "better the devil you know..." Too.

I think you've hit on something in the way you've phrased this. There are elements of lots of things, which is why it's hard to make a decision. But the main problem is that your husband can't be trusted to put your needs as a family first, above his desire to waste your resources, whilst you put your family first all the time, at the expense of your emotional resources.

You're getting low on emotional reserves, now, and that's why you're posting. But where you're supporting him financially... is he supporting you emotionally, as it would be, according to the reserves you're each low on?

I think he fulfills me about 85% of the time? He does make me feel beautiful/attractive etc... He rubs my feet/back as much as I want. He does plan around mother's Day/birthdays etc .. (it doesn't always come out as planned but he does make an effort). He messages me every day when at work, etc... He won't get annoyed if I tell him I'm too tired to do anything and he won't make a fuss if I overtake the weekend plans.

He also doesn't get annoyed for the somewhat tactless comments I might make and he makes an effort to understand my job. He's the type that always gives advice (even if you just want to be listened) and that's where we clash the most (beyond the money issue).

I remember your username like a PP and think that you're trying hard to make a square peg fit a round hole. There's a lot to be said for comparability when it comes to housework, sex and finances. I feel like if any one of those things isn't balanced / mutual / on the same page, you're often fighting a losing battle to be honest.

Money is, IIRC, something that makes you anxious (even if there is enough, though I understand in the past there wasn't) and you need to feel you have finite knowledge of. Which is fair enough, obviously. But you aren't on the same page as him when it comes to finances at all.

You say that as a family you were struggling financially, which was stressing you out, and despite this he basically didn't put more in the pot, instead choosing to spend money on himself rather than the family. If that's the case then I don't blame you for feeling resentful.

This relationship as a whole doesn't sound sustainable long term.

I wonder consider that volume of money going missing/spent/hidden as a form theft, the deceit would be unbearable and how can you trust him again? What else are you not aware of?

There's a lot to be said for comparability when it comes to housework, sex and finances. I feel like if any one of those things isn't balanced / mutual / on the same page, you're often fighting a losing battle to be honest.

Oh and parenting styles too.