I can't seem to forgive my DH (all the time)

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband has made a few mistakes (although they're basically the same over 4 years). To be frank when I don't think about it I'm ok and in fact I am.very happy with him, but then I remember what he's done and get angry again. Any way to get out of this rut?

Something I learned in DBT therapy (still trying!) but changed my perspective hugely!

You don't need to forgive/forget. It's ok not to. You're feelings on the matter are valid & there like it or not, you cannot wish them away however much you want to.

What you can do is accept it.

Radical acceptance (Google it)
It is what it is, so to speak.
Not applicable in all situations but could be useful here.

Hope that at least makes some sense!

You’ll have to explain more. That’s about £300 a month. Did he lie to you about how much his salary was? Or just didn’t transfer it all in?

It kind of depends what your family income is too. If it’s £25k a year that’s a big issue and makes the difference between being in and out of poverty and paying with bills. Have you been going without things like new clothes or haircuts for 4 years? Have your kids missed out on activities? In that case then it’s understandable not forgiving and it would be a red flag that would seriously make me consider ending the relationship. Watching your family go without while spending on yourself is inexcusable.

If you’re relatively comfortably off and he has been keeping a bit of money to spend on himself then I’d question why you need every penny of his income accounted. For and his spending approved and wonder of that was healthy.

In either case, if he was spending it on something dubious like hookers or gambling then you’re right to be worried. Not enough info to go on yet.

I don't think he necessarily lied (well he did as he wasn't telling me what he was spending it on) BUT he always said he was giving the household as much as he could.

Back then he was on 21-22k (I was on £19k but with my trust it was closer to £32-33k). Over the years, I made jumps to £34k + trust, and now I'm on £70k + trust.

So, OP, you have propped up your family with income and trust fund? And yet he has got into debt secretly? Or had secret money he didn’t want to tell you about?
Sounds like a financially uneven relationship, not that that never works, but could be part of the problem?

A friend of mine had a similar situation where her partner had racked up thousands of debt (7 ish grand) without a mention. She was the main breadwinner, his SE work was earning a pittance and he had become very lazy.
fast forward and they now have separated. Guess what, he suddenly IS working v v hard.

Then he did lie. And allowed you to take money from your family under false pretenses.

I wouldn't want to be married to him. Apology FFS? Really? Maybe if he was working three jobs to pay back your savings and family. Maybe.

Yes there's always been an income disparity (much more these days). He did accrue some debt by himself (overdraft) but basically because we couldn't cover all of our expenses when the baby arrived we got a tiny bit of credit card debt, which obviously if he had contributed what he should have it wouldn't exist.

I don't think your legitimate upset over this is just going to go away. It's not fair that he hid money that you both needed and spent it on stuff you didn't need. What kind of things out of interest?

All I can say in terms of forgiveness is that you have been quite comfortably off for a while with your earnings and your trust fund, you're not still struggling. I do realise that isn't down to him (!) but maybe it might make it easier to talk it over and leave it behind, than if his actions had left you permanently in financial shit.

That angle of "it is what it is" while accepting that it will still hurt for some time is probably the best

But now even though we're "better off" I'm still paying the debts that we accrued that wouldn't exist if he had done the right thing

Have you got yourself a cocklodger? How else does he contribute to family life?

So, read the updates. I wouldn’t forgive him personally. Why do you feel like you have to?

He does most of the cleaning / maintenance, etc... He's loving and appreciative and does his fair share of the household stuff.

What is he doing to pay the debts that he caused you to amass? Is he working two jobs? Has he sold all his valuables? Is he going without personal money?

Maybe if he was doing some / all of those things forgiveness would be easier. But - in the end - he chose his treats over you being able to buy necessities for you baby. Which is unforgivable to me.

He has no personal money anymore (his salary is paid into the joint account). He has no real personal belongings, he could work overtime but then I'd have to do the childcare - so thanks but no thanks.

Christ. I wouldn't forgive him; he sounds selfish, immature and unkind.

How can you trust him not to behave in this kind of way again, especially if he hasn't been able to come up with any explanation as to why he did it? 😕

He has no personal money anymore (his salary is paid into the joint account).

Debt or no debt, this is unsustainable and a recipe for future trouble. How will he buy himself anything? The odd coffee, a three-pack of underpants, a new razor, even your birthday present? Does he have to buy your present out of the joint account? Does he have to withdraw cash from the joint account to buy personal stuff?

I think you need to go back to the drawing board and start again with a new financial set up, whereby both of you get a sensible amount of personal allowance (the same amount each), the debts are paid from the joint account, and you build up some joint savings. It will cause resentment if you have more spending money and more control than him.

It is tough when you are earning so much more than him that it feels like you are propping him up and supporting him - the only remedy to such feelings is to truly appreciate all that he does around the house - assuming he is actually pulling his weight at home and not being lazy - and recognise that you are a team in this marriage for the long term together.

Your issue with his past actions is a separate matter to your current financial set-up. Try to draw a line between past and present, maybe get some counselling, but only if his current behaviour, financially and work-wise, is not causing ongoing problems and resentments.

OTOH, if he is currently causing ongoing resentments, consider splitting up.

He just uses the joint account! He buys it from Amazon so I don't get know what it is (that's for presents)

Lying about something like that when you were having to put stuff you actually needed on a credit card is a huge red flag and he needs to put in long term work to prove he really is sorry and won’t do it again. It’s not something you should or could forgive straight away because it’s one of those times when ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough and a long term change in behaviour is needed to win back your trust.

I have to be honest, at one point reading your posts, I thought this was going to be a case of you having more money and thinking because he was lower paid he didn’t deserve to have free income to spend on himself which I would have thought was wrong. But this was stuff you needed. And it was going on a credit card and he was denying he could help and you didn’t have enough to cover it without getting in debt. That’s a really, really serious breach of trust and you’re right not to just forgive on the basis of sorry.

Also, you say it’s’a tiny bit of debt, but you’re on £90k as a family and you’re still paying it off. It can’t be that tiny, can it? He let you get into debt for essentials while he lied and spent on non-essentials. That’s terrible.

I agree with the poster above saying don’t marry him right now. Marriage is a legal & financial contract as well as a romantic union and at the moment, you don’t have the trust to make such a big step. He’s exhibited huge selfishness and self-interest - against his baby as well as you. You need him to prove himself before forgiving him.

Deidre at this precise moment we owe about £9k (credit card plus other debt). We're married (we married last year) but if I've had a real idea of what was happening I wouldn't have done it.

You're giving us information in dribs and drabs OP and it's hard to understand.

Basically the gist is that several years ago when you were pregnant your partner got into debt because he was on a low income, and you're still paying off the debt accrued, am I right? But presumably the expenses were made by both of you, so it is not his fault alone? You were both spending more than what you could afford? £15k over 4 years is about £70 weekly. I can see how he could have carelessly spent that away on a takeaway here, a fiver there, etc. If it was on drugs, etc then of course I can understand your anger, but otherwise I dunno, both of you were overspending.

I'm struggling to understand this fully. Was it money he had which he kept to himself that was his or was he spending unnecessarily on credit cards? What's the issue with you doing childcare so he can work more?
I think you need to figure out if you can move on from this?

No that's not what happened. Ever since we started dating (and when he moved in) we agreed to how much he'd contribute with. Which back then and for the first two years it was £600. For most of that time it was also unreliable in case he had a "big expense" like birthday presents, valentine's, etc... I think back then he could have easily contributed with at least £900-1000. So to cover all of our expenses I had to use money from my trust as well as getting into debt. So if he had contributed enough there would have been no debt. He also misused a credit card in the second year. When we moved house, he got a decent pay rise and upped his contribution to £900 (still not enough) and eventually it went to £1000. Throughout all of these years he kept spending the money that he kept while we couldn't afford new bedding, dinnerware, etc...I on the other hand always put in my trust money, my salary and my side gig to the joint pot.

The op has clearly said that he spent the money on "silly, selfish things for himself" while at the same time lying and saying that he didn't have any more money that he could contribute to the joint account.

It was not jointly accrued debt.

I think it's less about forgiveness and more about trust. Do you trust him not to lie in the future? If not, then perhaps the damage is done.