Really need some thoughts on this please.

[EmbossedGlass]

I have posted previously about this...

Earlier this year, a 'friend' of mine began behaving oddly towards/around my boyfriend - lots of very ott flirting, touching him, essentially, making a bit of a fool of herself. Meanwhile, her behaviour towards me also changed - she stopped speaking to me entirely and, when she did, made little digs.

He didn't directly tell her to stop because he said he didn't want to make her feel awkward but he gave her no encouragement, moved away from her, ignored her efforts and hoped that she would take the hint. However, he had said that he would say something if the hints hadn't worked. But it wasn't necessary.

She largely seems to have done so and has backed off a lot. Not completely but her interactions with him are far more within 'normal parameters' now and she's no longer 'throwing herself at him'. Essentially, she's not behaving like a dick anymore.

But I'm really struggling with it all now. She, as predicted by some on here, changed her approach when she was not getting the desired response from him. She sent me a couple of messages asking how I was, saying that she knew we hadn't spoken for a while and being all friendly. I, as advised, was civil in responses but didn't engage any further - which suited me. But I can't tolerate being around her. I can't look at her and I can't be in the same space as her at all. I walked past her a few weeks ago and didn't stop to speak. She confronted me and asked "Are we good?" I just said I wasn't feeling well - which was a truth but not the whole truth.

She's now returned to smiling and hugging me when we meet unless I actively stay away from her. She only does it when he is there though. I feel it is more manipulation as I can't avoid it without looking like I'm being a dick.

Other people have recently commented on her behaviour to me - everyone has seen. One guy (as I said previously) joked that she has a crush on my partner; he feels she is jealous of me; other people have suggested that they feel sorry for her to be so desperate for male attention and others have speculated that all is not well in her own relationship. I said I felt it made look like a twat. Others have disagreed and said she's making a fool of herself and not me. But I can't see it like that. Not in a way that sticks.

I'm too old to be putting up with this shit. I just want to walk away from all of it. The group and the hobby. But, in doing so, I will effectively be ending my relationship too.

I said in first thread that I'm autistic and so things are very black and white to me. In my mind, I don't feel respected and I can't be part of it anymore. I don't have people pleasing tendencies and have no qualms in telling people what I think or walking away but I don't really want to walk away from the group or the hobby and I certainly don't want to walk away from my relationship but, at the moment, I'm struggling to see an alternative or a way of moving past it other than walking away from it all and shutting it off like none of it ever existed.

It occupies pretty much all my waking thoughts just rattling around in my head (autism). I can't get out of my head on this one.

Your partner sounds like he has behaved correctly so there is a major plus point to take comfort from.

If someone makes you uncomfortable then you need them out of your life - large group events will be fine but not close encounters so to speak

Speak to your partner about it - he might feel as uncomfortable as you

He has behaved correctly. He was uncomfortable while she was doing it but is fine now she's backed off. I don't feel the same way though. I feel hugely disrespected; I don't think she is a friend to either of us; and I can't be 'friendly for the sake of the group'. I have nothing to say to her. His feeling is that, now she's stopped, we should move on from it. I can't.

I just can't tolerate being in the same room as her. I've withdrawn massively and can't even look at other people in the group now. I've stopped attending all social things and, even at the hobby, turn up, do my bit and leave without speaking to anyone else all night. I sit in the car during breaks to avoid it.

I wouldn't let her destroy the rest of your social life - perhaps see some of your friends without this lady present - lunch or coffee or whatever.

I think I would take the lead from your partner and move on. He sounds sensible and supportive

I think I would just tell her, it doesn't make you a bad person for being honest. I would just say "look I feel our friendship has now been tainted because of your actions and although you've apologised I just feel uncomfortable being around you and don't feel our friendship is the same. I would prefer if we continue being civil but I don't want to go back to how we were." Otherwise she's going to be continuing to force a friendship every time she sees you at your group thing. You need to let her know that if you don't want her in your life as close as she used to be put your foot down. Life's too short to be a people pleaser, put your happiness first always!

I think you should tell her how she's made you feel.
She can either apologise and attempt to explain herself and give you confidence it's done with and you can move forward or she can have the good grace to step away from the group.

I remember your previous thread, it's a huge positive that your partner's done the right thing and your relationship is in a good place.

Take away the back story and this is a fairly common problem in social groups - to navigate someone who's a constant presence but you dislike and distrust. What you want in an ideal world is for everyone to see her for what she is and cast her out. This never happens, though, so you're going to have to work with reality.

You can certainly blow up your social life and make a fresh start. I've known people who've done this. Sometimes they retain selected old friends who they continue to see one-on-one, and that works out fine. That's in your hands.

But you could also try taking back the power you have in your current life. Honestly, this occupying your every waking thought is too much. It's a bit of drama over inappropriate flirtation and she's a snake - this is so commonplace! You're aiming for the right thing - to remain civil but cool towards her. The problem is, every time she does a weird fake demonstrative friendship gesture, it sends you into a tizzy. And she knows it - yes, she's still trying to manipulate you, that's because she knows she still has power over you.

So be prepared for it. Don't let her send you into a tailspin. Reciprocate! Hug her back, say it's lovely to see you, then move on. Don't respond to her needy messages and if she brings it up, say oh! I'm so sorry, life's been so busy, I forgot to respond. Then change the subject.

Basically put on a show - act like she doesn't affect you at all. Don't withdraw from the other people, don't just do the bare minimum.

It's not a magic solution. She'll still be there and she'll still be a snake. You need to accept this and work around it.

(What I don't know are the details of the hobby - I don't know how much you have to work with her, how close you have to be, how easy it would be to do the hobby with others etc.)

Gannett's advice is a much more eloquent version of what I was trying to say

She hasn't apologised. She's just toned it down massively. Sometimes she'll ignore him, sometimes she'll deliberately stand next to him and stroke his arm (while he completely ignored her or steps away) but she doesn't do the ott things she was doing. And she does nothing that would warrant him saying anything now which makes it harder.

I would find it difficult to say something to her without being very blunt and direct. I told her that I was finding the change in dynamics within the group when we were first dating difficult to adjust to several months ago. I meant generally but she assumed I meant this and just told me that he really fancied her but I didn't need to he jealous because she wouldn't ever actually do anything because she was my friend. She continued the ott flirting long after it was obvious he was ignoring her - because the people who have commented on her behaviour to me could also see that. If I say anything, she will just think I'm jealous. I'm not. I have no reason to be. I'm just cross and a bit sad that she did it.

I'm sorry but your last post tells me she is a really unpleasant person who you need out of your life

I just want to walk away from all of it. The group and the hobby. But, in doing so, I will effectively be ending my relationship too. - if you are in a relationship with this man, how will abandoning a hobby end it?

What you want in an ideal world is for everyone to see her for what she is and cast her out

What I want is to just not have to deal with her at all.

I do hug her back and say the sort of things you're suggesting but I do still feel she has the power.

I have no control over how she behaves and I have no control over how my partner responds - although he's done everything pretty much right so far. The only thing I can control is whether I'm part of it or not.

I really wish he'd just said, "What are you doing? Stop it," at the time, if I'm honest. That would have stopped it sooner and been a definite no from him.

It's not drama. I manage it but overthinking is part of autism.

Because its a big part of our lives - one night in the week, ofen weekend evenings and weekends away too. There's a social aspect too - going to gigs/the pub etc. I would stay away from all of it.

He plays in a band she always goes to see (with everyone else). I wouldn't be able to go to those gigs either because pre and post gig everyone hangs out together.

And I would also, rightly or wrong, feel uncomfortable because the reason he didn't want to say anything to her directly is because he didn't want her to feel awkward but, by not doing so, it has created a situation where I feel so awkward I want to leave. It feels like he is more comfortable with me being pushed out than in setting a clear verbal boundary in the first place. Even though his response did reduce her behaviours.

You're letting her win by sitting in your car during the breaks and only interacting minimally with the others. She must be loving that she's driving you out – she's probably thinking first the hobby, next the boyfriend. You can stand up for yourself and for your relationship just by being present and being the normal chatty self your DP fell for in the first place. That said, he needs to put her straight once and for all. Next time she starts pawing him, he should say something along the lines of 'please stop that, I don't want you to do that. It's disrespectful to me and my girlfriend'. She needs to be publicly embarrassed and until he actually tells her he's not interested she's going to continue thinking and telling people he is.

Did she flirt with and touch your partner in front of you, OP? It’s massively disrespectful to you. As is ignoring you.

She seems to think she can just pretend it never happened. But that’s disrespectful to you too.

I don’t think I would want to remain in a group where that kind of behaviour went unaddressed.

What I don’t understand is why leaving the group would be the end of the relationship.

Ah sorry, I type slowly so cross posted. I see what you mean about the sense that he prioritises the group and this woman’s comfort over your comfort.

Maybe he isn’t the best partner for you? I would feel very let down if my partner didn’t shut down a person who was publicly disrespecting me. It would make me question the relationship.

Apologies for the double post! Don’t know how I managed that.

But the only way of doing that is to remove myself completely because she won't.

She is unpleasant and has often complained that her female friends drop her for no reason. I'm not surprised, tbh.

Next time she starts pawing him, he should say something along the lines of 'please stop that, I don't want you to do that. It's disrespectful to me and my girlfriend'. She needs to be publicly embarrassed and until he actually tells her he's not interested she's going to continue thinking and telling people he is

Yes, that's what I think but he doesn't want her to feel embarrassed because it would make him feel like a dick to embarrass her. Which is precisely why he hasn't said anything directly.

He said he would do if it became necessary though.

I think as far as he's concerned, he's not interested in her and he loves me and that should be enough and who cares what she thinks.

I remember your previous thread. She's being really manipulative again, isn't she, and I suspect this is just another tactic, and she knows exactly what she is doing.

It is a difficult situation, but please stay strong. She will get tired of playing games soon enough.

Yes. That's it. It's just the level of disrespect.

I don't think he really knows what to do. He's not a confrontational person, never falls out with people, has friends from primary school.

I, on the other hand, will happily walk away. I don't care if people think they've won as long as I don't have to see it anymore.

He's coming over this evening. These posts are giving me some clarity on what to say to him because I know I need to speak to him about it.

I understand why he is still socially friendly towarss her because would be against his nature to be otherwise. But I think he needs to understand that, everytime he does, he is colluding in her disrespect of me.

At this point, he has a choice to make - say something directly to her or lose his relationship. Not that I'd issue it as an ultimatum like that because he is a person and is allowed to set his own boundaries but he needs to be clear about mine too.

She isn't getting tired of it though...

He thinks her friendliness towards me is contrition and acceptance on her part. I think there's a part of him that thinks I'm continuing it unnecessarily and I'm the one causing the problems now. He hasn't said that in as many words but it's the impression I get. Because he just doesn't see the bigger picture.

He was surprised she'd confronted me though. He thought that was odd and a bit inappropriate. But he doesn't join the pieces up in his head. He's not had to deal with anything like this before.

You need to get over this now, it's water under the bridge. Otherwise there's a strong chance you'll lose your friends and your boyfriend.

It's not water under the bridge.

And I'm comfortable with both of those if I continue to feel like this about it.

I'm not sure you're ever going to be able to let this go.

You can't 'forgive' your bf for being non-confrontation and allowing her to "disrespect" you. Tbh I feel sorry for him - he was the target of unwanted ott attention which must have been very uncomfortable for him, but didn't want to case an issue with his friendship circle was dealt with it his own way. His gf has decided that he dealt with it in the wrong way and focuses on her discomfort rather than his. His gf still wants him to confront the woman even though she's stopped the unwanted attention and he things the issue is gone. He wants to be friendly and polite as she's within his friendship group, but his gf calls this "colluding" in disrespecting her.

It's like you've decided that everyone, him and the mutual friends are choosing her over you. The only one who seems to think this situation makes you look like a twat is you! So that's on you, not her, not him, not the mutual friends. When really, they just want peace, no drama and to enjoy their hobbies, gigs and friends.

You may be fine walking away from the hobby, gigs and friendship group, but he obviously is not. Your bigger picture is not the same as his bigger picture. Your idea of disrespect is not his . Your idea of what makes you look a twat is not his idea of what makes a person look like a twat. Etc etc