Reaching out to my ex one last time

[pats555]

So I dated the most incredible selfless kind-hearted female from age 19 to 27. She wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me.Because of my own selfish issues, not wanting kids, and heavily abusing alcohol, we parted ways. I'm now 39, we haven't spoken since, and my medical situation is dire as my liver is failing from years of alcohol abuse and unless some miracle happens and they find a matching liver, I will not make it.

She is married with 3 kids. I wanted to message her one last time on Facebook just telling her how amazing she is, apologize for being a terrible boyfriend, and just let her know how happy I am for her that she has a big family like she always wanted.

Would this be inappropriate? She was a huge part of my life for almost a decade and helped me out in so many ways. Some people might say let it be and not to bother her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

Who would you be doing it for? Do you think you'll make her life better by doing this, or is it to satisfy your conscience?

Don't

Jesus leave her alone.

I don't see why you shouldn't let someone know they were brilliant and appreciated, especially if you didn't do that at the time. But your motive must be pure. If really you're hoping she will become a figure in your life again in any way, don't.
If you can do it purely to take the chance to let her know she was such an important person to you and that you actually have come to understand what a fab rare person she is, without placing any expectations on her whatsoever (it is unasked for contact after all) then yes.

Yes.
An ex from 20 years ago did this.
He sent a very heartfelt apology for the way he treated me during our 4 year relationship & wished me well.
I was surprised & it did stir up some conflicting emotions at first but I'm glad he apologised to me as it made me feel acknowledged, knowing that he owned & apologised for his behaviour.

Apart from me sending a thank you for your apology back via email.
That was the end of it.

So unless you have some prior motive (e.g. you are angling to get her back into your life with a hope of reconciliation) then don't do it.

If it is just a sincere apology with no plans to take it further then send the apology

Are you sure you're not hoping she'll feel bad for you and reply? Are you sure it's not just really all about you? I think you'd be better off talking to a counsellor than messaging her tbh.

Write it in a letter, read it back, burn it, but don't contact her it's not fair

If you do, don't mention your health. Just make it about one of the 12 steps or a simple apology. Otherwise she may feel like IF she could go back she could have 'saved' you.

Some people have guilt for not making it work even when it was never their fault.

I'd also try and do it in a way that wasn't expecting a response. There is too much transparency online about it being 'seen' or 'typing' or expecting a response.

I would seriously consider your tone. She's married with children. Possible that it could cause friction with her new partner through no fault of hers

Everyone keeps saying how my motive might be to get her back in my life. As of next week, I'm going to be at Duke transplant center and may never come up given my diagnosis. So I'll never see her again most likely anyway.

Yes if it is something you want to get off your chest. Your giving her a compliment and letting her know it was ‘you’ not her . I wish you goodluck with your health

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree with others, write a letter, read it over and then decide what you want to do. I’m aware you might not know her address but you can find someone to contact her for the address or someone can scan and email it to her via Facebook.
It’s sad that you’ve realised this now but it might not benefit her to hear it now but if I was her, I’d probably like to know you’re unwell.

Depending on how things ended she probably knows everything you want to tell her already, unless you intend to tell her about your diagnosis and treatment.

She spend 8 years of her life with you. She has probably seen the best of you & the worst of you. She probably knows that when things were good & you were sober, you thought the world of her and that it was only when abusing alcohol that you were a different person. She knows the drink was strong than you and that it's an addiction.

I have alcoholics in my life and I know they are different people sober. I might hate a lot of the things they have done but I do know the type of person they are underneath too.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, either for you. It may be very difficult for her to hear of your diagnosis too. Do you have any counselling or support? Anyone you can bounce getting a qualified opinion from?

Good luck with your treatment. Alcoholicism is a bitch.

I agree. Best of luck with your treatment.

Yes, contact her and apologise, while letting her know how much you appreciated her.

I also wish you all the best with your health x

Yes do it-- in the big scheme of things, apologising for something and letting someone know you appreciate them, is good.

I wouldn't. For her sake and peace of mind. Imagine an email popping up for an ex saying I'm sorry and probably dying from the thing that was a huge issue in our relationship and split us up.

My brain would go into guilt and anxiety: if only I hadn't given up on him; could I have done more?; why is he telling me now?; how the fuck am I supposed to respond to this?; what is he expecting from me? Forgiveness? Contact? Support?; is he expecting further contact if he has a transplant? How do I turn down contact from a man who may be dying; how do I explain that to my husband?

No, don’t do it

yes do it, its a nice thing to do.

And i hope you get your transplant.

Leave her be...

I’ve had an ex reach out to me who was abusive and offer a heartfelt apology. I’d long moved on by that point and in a way it was good to have him finally admit what he did and take some responsibility. I forgave him and wished him well and that was that, never spoke again. Not sure if my reaction would have been different if I knew he was dying.

I think tbh that you should reach out but expect nothing. If your true intention is to make peace with your life at such a time then perhaps this can help you do it - so I would not mention your illness as it would be very difficult for her. But you can offer a heartfelt apology, ask for forgiveness and wish her well.

Thats my view anyway.

If it really was about the things you say it is why didn’t you tell her this before now, before you were in this dire situation?

i’m sorry you are so unwell and that things are the way they are but If I was her and you sent this to me I would wonder if you’d done it to haunt me and unsettle me. This is especially so if she’s likely to know you’ve gone on to have alcohol abuse issues.

i would let sleeping dogs lie. If you feel like you need to make your peace with people then I would do this with relationships that are current and would benefit from this approach.
Wish you all the best and hope you get your transplant

How is it 'nice'?

She got out of an abusive relationship and this guy is only after feeling better about himself after he has drunk himself almost to death.

She doesn't need this. She got out. She should be allowed to stay out.

Honestly, some people just don't understand how abusers work and should stop giving really bad advice to them to carry on the abuse probably well past the grave.

Given the operation you're going to have, we can only imagine extent to which you abused alcohol. You must've given that poor girl a terrible time. I would leave her be now.

Don't

These kind of letters are rarely for the benefit of the recipient.