Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reaching out to my ex one last time

66 replies

pats555 · 25/07/2022 16:54

So I dated the most incredible selfless kind-hearted female from age 19 to 27. She wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me.Because of my own selfish issues, not wanting kids, and heavily abusing alcohol, we parted ways. I'm now 39, we haven't spoken since, and my medical situation is dire as my liver is failing from years of alcohol abuse and unless some miracle happens and they find a matching liver, I will not make it.

She is married with 3 kids. I wanted to message her one last time on Facebook just telling her how amazing she is, apologize for being a terrible boyfriend, and just let her know how happy I am for her that she has a big family like she always wanted.

Would this be inappropriate? She was a huge part of my life for almost a decade and helped me out in so many ways. Some people might say let it be and not to bother her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:
Livpool · 26/07/2022 11:51

Don't - you are a mind fuck

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 26/07/2022 11:51

No, agree with others who said why now. It looks, from the outside, you want to get back into her headspace for whatever reason. I reckon you should leave it

catandcoffee · 26/07/2022 11:56

No leave her alone. She doesn't need your history upsetting her family life.

You made your choice and she moved on.

riserved · 26/07/2022 12:21

Leave her alone.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/07/2022 12:33

Op I recently contacted an ex of 20 years who I had a very toxic relationship with. This is part of my step 9 in recovery from alcoholism.

It's something I discussed in detail with my sponsor first to ensure I was doing it for the right reasons. We spoke on the phone but if he hadn't agreed to that I'd have sent it as a message.

The key thing is that I gave him a choice - I said "I've been thinking about the past a lot and I would like the chance to speak with you and apologise for some of my behaviour. Could we do that?" If he had said no or not responses at all, then that would have been the end. He agreed to speak though and I named my behaviours, acknowledged the damage they did, and said I was very sorry and he did not deserve it.

He was very surprised to hear from me and said that he really appreciated my apology.

If you do this, only concentrate on your own behaviour, and do not seek to excuse it (personal tragedy, childhood trauma etc), do not mention any of her behaviour, and do not mention your current health status.

I do think it is the right thing to do, but you must be sure that it's for the right reasons and won't cause harm to her.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk further. I hope your treatment goes well 🙏🏻

PoseyFlump · 26/07/2022 12:34

I was told by a third party that my dying ex wanted contact. I said no but regretted it later.

Maybe at least she has a right to say no herself if a third party could contact asking if you could send her a letter?

I also know someone who had a liver transplant at the eleventh hour and went on to live for a long time after so don't lose all hope.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/07/2022 13:07

I would not want to hear from my ex.

To be fair, alcohol wasn’t involved. He let his whole family think I was (in his words) ‘mental’ and ‘damaged’ when I left him. He did not tell them he left me for dead.

I know he went on to be happy and I truly think he must have beaten his demons. And I am glad for that.

But I do think that most people who want to reach out deep down want to soothe their conscience. I’m not sure it is ever solely for the good of the recipient.

I hope that your treatment is successful OP. I think the best gift you could give her is to try to live a happy life and to treat those around you well.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 26/07/2022 13:32

OP, once again it's about what You want, isn't it ?

YOU want to contact your ex.
YOU want to say sorry for being an alcoholic with no intention of starting a family.
YOU want her attention.
YOU want forgiveness.
YOU want her to be concerned that you are about to undergo life saving surgery which could save your life. Or end it.

Why does being seriously ill give arseholes a free pass ? Why is it only when there is some seriously scary end of life end of life possibility that the now former arsehole can be reasonable in a way they never were before because at that time, there was nothing in it for them ?

Just lose the dramah and get on with it. You're sorry now. Why is that, do you think ?

Your lifestyle disease i.e. alcoholism organ transplant is a bargaining chip which you are using to get a free pass for their attention/empathy/sympathy.

Where was your sorrow and apology before now ?

I'm not surprised some people are like fuck you, fuck your apology. Regardless of the circumstances.

ancientgran · 26/07/2022 13:36

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/07/2022 12:33

Op I recently contacted an ex of 20 years who I had a very toxic relationship with. This is part of my step 9 in recovery from alcoholism.

It's something I discussed in detail with my sponsor first to ensure I was doing it for the right reasons. We spoke on the phone but if he hadn't agreed to that I'd have sent it as a message.

The key thing is that I gave him a choice - I said "I've been thinking about the past a lot and I would like the chance to speak with you and apologise for some of my behaviour. Could we do that?" If he had said no or not responses at all, then that would have been the end. He agreed to speak though and I named my behaviours, acknowledged the damage they did, and said I was very sorry and he did not deserve it.

He was very surprised to hear from me and said that he really appreciated my apology.

If you do this, only concentrate on your own behaviour, and do not seek to excuse it (personal tragedy, childhood trauma etc), do not mention any of her behaviour, and do not mention your current health status.

I do think it is the right thing to do, but you must be sure that it's for the right reasons and won't cause harm to her.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk further. I hope your treatment goes well 🙏🏻

Really good advice.

FlippinOmicron · 26/07/2022 13:42

Anissa1 · 25/07/2022 17:58

Yes if it is something you want to get off your chest. Your giving her a compliment and letting her know it was ‘you’ not her . I wish you goodluck with your health

I agree.

isthismylifenow · 26/07/2022 13:48

My 2c worth.

She most likely battled to get over the relationship, you said you parted ways due to your selfish issues, alcohol, and not wanting to commit to her. This must have have tough for her. And in the 12 years you haven't seen her, you have only now realised how kind and selfless she is.

It is hard to walk away from a relationship, even more so, one that involves alcohol abuse (I am betting she tried to help you and she couldn't).

She has done her time getting over you. She knows her worth and she has a family and a husband who sees what you didn't. Did you move on? Did you go into a new relationship since?

Haven't you hurt her enough? Leave her be. You are wanting to clear your conscience by righting wrongs now, but put a thought into how this may affect her. So my advice, don't.

Ergonomic · 26/07/2022 13:48

It is not a compliment to have an alcoholic ex get back in touch to boost their own ego and ! Jesus people you need better standards if you think it is, please!

startfresh · 26/07/2022 14:51

If it was me, I would appreciate it.

Jewel7 · 26/07/2022 16:32

My ex did this for me after 20 years. I appreciated it, realised he did care. My first thought was he was in counselling. As I walked away feeling like he didn’t. He chose drugs over me basically. The one negative was he did burden me a bit with his story so maybe try and keep it light.

Roundthetwistyroad · 26/07/2022 17:45

Might need a vote on this one as you are receiving a lot of conflicting views. I am on the do it camp. I had an ex track me down years later to say sorry and repay £500 he borrowed. I really appreciated it and he went up in my estimation. He was simply apologising. He did not mention anything about his life or ask about mine. We never spoke again but my memories of him are definitely more positive than if he hadn't done this. Being nice and genuine is a good thing in life.

GreyCarpet · 26/07/2022 17:50

Being nice and genuine is a good thing in life.

Yes. I fell out with a friend a few years ago. She crossed one too many boundaries ad I dumped her.

But I also realised earlier this year that she had had a huge positive impact on me prior to this and had changed my life for the better in many ways.

I emailed her earlier this year to recognise that. I told her nothing of life amd asked nothing of hers. It's was obvious I didn't want a reply.

She won't have been upset by it; she didn't reply. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad she didn't.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread