Is he hiding something?

[Moomoo012]

Hi

very confused and stressed mumma here needing some advice! Me and my partner have been together for almost 3 years, very very close and loving with each other until the past 6 months or so after our baby was born.. he’s become so cold and withdrawn (very little sex life which isn’t like us whatso ever) he always made it very clear how he felt about me, but not anymore.. At first I thought it was stress but since bringing it up to him he’s become even more cold, it’s like we’re strangers!


fast forward to Wednesday last week, he nipped to his mums after work (nothing unusual there) and our little girl got hold of his smart watch and was on his call log, I took it away from her and noticed that he’d called his ex’s works number, I was on the phone to him at the time so I asked if he’s spoken to her today and instantly the call log was deleted from the watch and he said he has no idea what I’m talking about.. something didn’t add up but I left it. Then when we went to bed he went to Google something and his browser was still open from earlier which showed his ex’s works number.. I pretended I didn’t see it. Then the next day he had logged me out of the o2 app (we have 2 phones one his and one mine on his account, we both use the app on our phones to keep an eye on our data usage etc) I thought nothing of it and carried on as usual.. then that evening i mentioned the Google search that I saw and he got up his browser to show his search history trying to prove that he didn’t Google her works number BUT again his previous browser was still open and it was how to find call logs on o2.. I didn’t leave it this time I questioned him and he said he was just looking to see if it was possible to find it on the app.. I left it at that. THEN last night he lay in bed on his phone looking confused and said he’s just got a random text from someone that said ‘hey, I heard you were off last week I hope you’re feeling better. Are you in tomorrow? Xx’ (he did leave work last Wednesday to go to a drs appointment)

He replied, sorry I don’t have your number saved who is this?
their reply, it’s (so and so) haha x
he replied, sorry I don’t know a (so and so) I think you may have the wrong number. Who do you think this is?
their reply, (so and so?) which by the way is his name..

his reply, that is my name but I’m very confused because I don’t know a (so and so) where do you work?
their reply, ok must be wrong number so sorry.


allllll evening after that he was talking about these texts and over explaining it.. saying he’ll let me know if she texts again(why would she if it’s the wrong number?) he saved the number and checked on WhatsApp to see if there was a profile picture, there was.. a woman that he “used to work with 4 years ago”

am I being paranoid or does something not add up here? I’m going crazy and I have no idea what to do. Do I forget it or do I pay attention to his behaviour and sit on it for a while?


sorry it’s a long one!

[Pandapop101]

The over explaining and justifying would have me concerned, he seems to have gone out of his way to “prove” he didn’t k ow who was messaging him!
Communication is obviously the best way to go but if he isn’t prepared to be honest you won’t be able to talk about it properly.
I wouldn’t be able to sit on it, maybe try again but calmly explain everything again and explain why you are concerned?

How is your relationship ordinarily?

[SouperNoodle]

Yeh it totally sounds like he's up to something. The deleting histories and logging out just proves he's hiding something that he doesn't want you to see.

[GordonBennetttt]

He sounds fucking stupid, he's slipped up at least 4 times.
Yes he's hiding something.

[Fabswingers]

Ohhhh come on love….you already know! No need to be silly. If you want to ignore it that’s fine, but your not stupid and obviously know what’s going on, you don’t need mumsnet to tell you.

[Moomoo012]

@Pandapop101 thats what’s gotten me concerned, if I’m honest I don’t even know how to bring it up to him again, he gets very defensive about anything not just this and feels like I’m attacking him. He called me on his lunch today and was talking about it again but I didn’t say much because I didn’t want him to get his back up about it. I just told him I am confused about it, his reply was he has deleted the messages and the number and hopes she doesn’t text again. He does have a habit of lying about silly little things which makes me question if he’s telling me the truth about most things..

We’ve had a very stressful year, we had our baby, my son from a previous relationship started having seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy, he lost multiple jobs so money was an issue too which is why I initially put it all down to stress but things are much better now and still the relationship is struggling.

[CrazyRatLover]

If he was quilty regarding the text, why would he read it out to you?

[coolmaker]

It'd be the calling the ex and lying about it for me.

Also, sounds like he may have taken times off work last week that you didn't know about? Could this have been to spend time with someone else?

[Dery]

Why has he lost multiple jobs? He’s sounding very unreliable.

[Watchkeys]

He does have a habit of lying about silly little things which makes me question if he’s telling me the truth about most things

It's really not good if he makes you feel so bad for asking him questions that you just don't ask any more. Especially when you don't trust him because he lies (rather than because you think he might be lying)

He's a liar. So he can't be trusted. Do you really want to be with him, regardless of the other woman issue? If so, why? Why would you want to spend your life with somebody who lies to you?

[Positivevibes2022]

I’m sorry but it’s all very suspicious, it does seem like he is up to something. I think you need to sit him down and have a little chat, otherwise it’s going to eat you up and drive you crazy when you have enough on your plate x

[Moomoo012]

Thankyou, I will definitely have a sit down chat with him at the weekend. He’s not a bad person he has such a loving caring side to him but he does have his faults. And at the moment for whatever reason he is being very cold and withdrawn, he has already told me he doesn’t deal with stress very well so I am in 2 minds weather he’s been under a lot of stress or if it’s something I should be concerned about regarding the relationship.

He lost one job because he was being bullied and when he made a complaint about it the other people clubbed together and made their own complaint, unfortunately as he had no whitenesses they let him go. His second job loss was due to him being dyslexic and he wasn’t picking it up the job quick enough, he has been fighting the appeals of those jobs so I can completely understand the stress levels, it’s just the secretive nature of the phone call with his ex and the over explaining of the random texts last night.

A lot of it is probably because he doesn’t like conflict, he avoids difficult conversations at all costs so he beats around the bush instead of just giving a direct answer.

[Bookworm20]

The lying about contacting the ex is suspicious, as you know he did as it was in his call log. So I'd be keeping an eye out for that, although if hes deleting his call log not sure how you can go about that? Does O2 allow you to see itemised calls if you get back into the app? Add that to him being distant. Although if he only googled her number recently, not sure how that fits in with him seeing her at all.

The texts from the old work collegue, could possibly be explained away. If its someone he worked with 4 years ago, it may be possible his number was saved in her phone from ages ago and another person has joined the company after he left with the same first name, also saved in her phone, and she texted the wrong one? Its the 'are you in tomorrow' bit which makes me think it could be something like this as sounds like she is expecting to see them tomorrow at work?
His over explaining it though, may just be because he is actually hiding something, just not this!

[Moomoo012]

@Bookworm20 i completely agree! Him and his ex had a very unnecessary friendship when me and him first met, I wasn’t really aware of the extent of it until he moved in with me.. they were literally in each other’s pockets, texting all day long (to the point he wasn’t actually having conversations with me) going out for coffees/pizza/random chats, she would ask him to call her when I wasn’t around etc etc the list goes on. They do have a child together which is why I accepted the friendship until it started to make me really uncomfortable.. the last straw for me was when me and him were messing around doing each other’s makeup and the first thing he did was FaceTime her to show her and they were laughing about it together while I sat there looking stupid 🤦🏻‍♀️ I almost left him at that point BUT we sat down and had a chat about it and he apologised and said he didn’t even realise how much they were doing together (more than what they did when in a relationship) he assured me it was only for the sake of their son but stepped back huuuuge amounts which is when she kicked off and tried to get in between us so from that point their friendship has been very basic (only speaking in the evenings to see how their sons day has been and the occasional trip so he can watch him go swimming which she still 3 years on tries to get him to go every single time so they can be a ‘family’) 🙄

maybe my anger toward how they both were in the beginning is still haunting me and he knows that which is why he may of hid the phone call?

and yes the texts from the work colleague makes complete sense when you put it that way!

[Annoyedwithmyself]

Odd that he would lie about calling his son's mum as that could easily be explained away whether or not anything untoward was happening. Would he have any reason to call her workplace for business, say if she works at a local garage or is an employment solicitor who could advise him on the work stuff?

[Moomoo012]

@Annoyedwithmyself no that’s the confusing part, there is no connection between their workplaces, he works with heavy machinery and she work for a company that helps elderly people with dementia. They have each other’s phone numbers and they usually talk on Facebook messenger which is why it’s so weird that he googled her works phone number 🤷‍♀️

she dropped their son off to us on Sunday and nothing was mentioned apart from her wanting him to go with them every week to swimming lessons which he declined because of how needy she is with him.

Maybe I’m looking into it too much 🤷‍♀️ I’m just so uncomfortable with the 2 of them, a lot has gone on and a lot of lies have been told but as far as I am aware nothing has happened between them.

[theemmadilemma]

If someone gives you a shit load of unnecessary detail, it's usually because they're lying...

[jammiewhammie65]

Well his clearly up to no good Tell him either he wants to be with you or he doesn't but he doesn't get to muck you around and cheat behind your back.

[Catlover1970]

You know he’s cheating so please don’t be made a fool of

[Moomoo012]

I have a feeling he may be but unfortunately I don’t have any solid proof so I can’t really ask him until I do. I’ll feel so silly if I’m wrong.

[SkeletonFight]

@CrazyRatLover

If he was quilty regarding the text, why would he read it out to you?

Hiding in plain sight

[OnceAnElephant]

You are not looking into this too much.. you aren't looking into it enough. Stop being so placid. He's lied, removed log chats and got his ex to sent a pathetic message that he's now over explaining.

He is up to something.

[Hopelessromatic]

Him been defensive is a really bad sign and being cold and distant is also a sign ,also the over explaining about the text is another sign of cheating. I'm sorry to tell you OP but I do think he is cheating.. I'm speaking from experience and I was so sure he'd never do anything like that and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. You'll need to keep a close on him, maybe put a tracker in his car . I'm so sorry. Best of luck !

[Moomoo012]

Update.. unfortunately for me I found messages between him and his ex being flirty and talking about meeting up. He denies it, even though I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’m so hurt and I don’t know what to do. How do I move on from someone who I’m madly in love with 😭😭

[Tablechairtable]

That's shit. So sorry. Its either happened or about to happen. If its the ex he shares a child with then doesn't look good. I think you need to give him the boot. Esp as he's being cold to you. Boot him before he leaves. You'll never be able to trust him again and piece of mind is worth so much more if he's out of your life in that respect althou he'll still be because of your child together. Thing is from then in his ex will thrm be wondering if he'll then cheat on her💐

[Annoyedwithmyself]

Urgh but I would hazard that if it hasn't happened already it will at some point. Sounds like theres still an attraction even though he wants someone else full time. You deserve better than a man sniffing around someone else. He also sounds a bit pathetic and a perma-vitim with the work stuff. Get angry and call it a day. If it hasn't happened already then he will play the victim here too but why wait around if he's showing he's not trustworthy and is a proven liar?