Is he hiding something?

[Moomoo012]

Hi

very confused and stressed mumma here needing some advice! Me and my partner have been together for almost 3 years, very very close and loving with each other until the past 6 months or so after our baby was born.. he’s become so cold and withdrawn (very little sex life which isn’t like us whatso ever) he always made it very clear how he felt about me, but not anymore.. At first I thought it was stress but since bringing it up to him he’s become even more cold, it’s like we’re strangers!

fast forward to Wednesday last week, he nipped to his mums after work (nothing unusual there) and our little girl got hold of his smart watch and was on his call log, I took it away from her and noticed that he’d called his ex’s works number, I was on the phone to him at the time so I asked if he’s spoken to her today and instantly the call log was deleted from the watch and he said he has no idea what I’m talking about.. something didn’t add up but I left it. Then when we went to bed he went to Google something and his browser was still open from earlier which showed his ex’s works number.. I pretended I didn’t see it. Then the next day he had logged me out of the o2 app (we have 2 phones one his and one mine on his account, we both use the app on our phones to keep an eye on our data usage etc) I thought nothing of it and carried on as usual.. then that evening i mentioned the Google search that I saw and he got up his browser to show his search history trying to prove that he didn’t Google her works number BUT again his previous browser was still open and it was how to find call logs on o2.. I didn’t leave it this time I questioned him and he said he was just looking to see if it was possible to find it on the app.. I left it at that. THEN last night he lay in bed on his phone looking confused and said he’s just got a random text from someone that said ‘hey, I heard you were off last week I hope you’re feeling better. Are you in tomorrow? Xx’ (he did leave work last Wednesday to go to a drs appointment)

He replied, sorry I don’t have your number saved who is this?
their reply, it’s (so and so) haha x
he replied, sorry I don’t know a (so and so) I think you may have the wrong number. Who do you think this is?
their reply, (so and so?) which by the way is his name..

his reply, that is my name but I’m very confused because I don’t know a (so and so) where do you work?
their reply, ok must be wrong number so sorry.

allllll evening after that he was talking about these texts and over explaining it.. saying he’ll let me know if she texts again(why would she if it’s the wrong number?) he saved the number and checked on WhatsApp to see if there was a profile picture, there was.. a woman that he “used to work with 4 years ago”

am I being paranoid or does something not add up here? I’m going crazy and I have no idea what to do. Do I forget it or do I pay attention to his behaviour and sit on it for a while?

sorry it’s a long one!

@Watchkeys i grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home (towards me as I had a different father to my siblings) with not much love or happiness. I guess I don’t really understand my emotions and assume because someone says they love me even though actions say otherwise it must be true.

Well then that explains it. I'm sorry that that happened to you. It is useful in helping you to understand your responses now though. 'He's treating me horribly, I feel all wrong, but he says he loves me' is your habit, since childhood.

There is no 'understanding of emotions' to be done here, beyond 'How does this feel, right now?' I'm sure it feels horrible, doesn't it? Because the love and the horribleness are all mixed up?

It sounds like you have set a very low bar based on your previous bad experience. But really this relationship is not amazing, it sounds awful and I am not sure how much more evidence you need of his lying and yes very probably cheating as well.

Yes 100% and it makes so much sense, but still I put up with it which irritates me. He shows me a bit of love and affection, tells me he didn’t realise what he had until he almost lost it and because I’d always been deprived of that my whole life he ‘wins me over’ every time.

I accept being treated like shit because it’s all I’ve ever known and think it’s what I must deserve even though deep down it’s not what I want.

How would it feel to say to someone who relied on your opinion 'You don't deserve to have what you want'? How would it feel to say 'You deserve to be treated like shit'? 'You deserve to be lied to'?

How would you feel if you said those things to someone?

This. He removed stuff from his phone that you know you saw. He then over explained something potentially inconsequential. Both big red flags and you know it. Oh, and now you have seen messages between him and the ex, come on op, he is cheating and I would say this relationship is over. You need to kick him out and sort finances, ensuring he pays for the child you share. Sorry op.

It would feel awful, and I’d question why I’m listening to them. Apparently my childhood trauma haunts me more than I thought it did 😬

Sorry, slightly off topic, but can I just check. Do you enjoy him biting on your breasts (what sounds like multiple times) so hard it causes bruising? And do you then like that he has taken photos of that as some sort of trophy? And has them somehow shared them with his ex?

When we become adults, we don't stop being children. We just learn to parent ourselves, so that we don't need parents to do it for us any more. The child that was traumatised is still being parented in the same way she always was: you recognise her feelings, and you dismiss them. You call them stupid and crazy.

This is the pattern that needs to change. How would you parent the little you, now, if you could? Would you tell her she doesn't deserve the good things she wants?

Consider it this way:
If you knew that your current relationship is the best thing you've ever had, and your ex was nothing but trouble intent on fucking it up for you would you;
a) flirt in text messages and talk about meeting up, and;
b) delete all the texts from your ex?

You wouldn't, and neither would I. You'd accept that if you share a child, some communication is necessary, right, so you'd make sure you kept all the messages to show to your partner that you don't respond and steer conversation back to parenting matters. And you certainly wouldn't be risking your relationship to flirt with an ex if you valued it.

I think it sounds dodgy.

@NighghtmareNeighbour that was mostly right at the beginning of the relationship and yes it was something we both wanted. The pictures were sent to him privately from me to show him how bad they were but unfortunately it looks like she had access to his OneDrive and has seen it all. We were very respectful of her and her feelings at the beginning of our relationship but I think she was delving into things she shouldn’t of and hurting herself instead.

@TheOriginalClownfish i completely agree with you and I have told him this myself, it’s just not something I would do, he says it was poor judgement on his part but was no intention there he just thought she’d changed (she’s tried to cause a lot of issues with us and ALWAYS belittles him for his lack of understanding about a lot of things) but still if it were me I wouldn’t be giving them any chances ever again, especially if he’d expressed how uncomfortable it makes him, absolutely not, his feelings would mean more to me than a friendship with an ex who’s acting like a prick in the past.

@Watchkeys I’d show myself so much love, just as I do my own children. Something I wish I got as a child.

It does make so much sense though, I ALWAYS prioritise everybody else weather they’re nice to me or not. Even down to to silly things like food, I’ll let everybody else have the best bits and I’ll have whatever is left, sad really but it’s how I’ve always been just not really noticed until now if I’m honest.

I broke up with my ex in april. His phone behaviour changed and I went for a one off snoop..he was texting his ex. Which I knew he did because they had stayed friends. Unfortunately the messages were about him crying over the memories of their relationship. I think phone behavior changing is very much a bad sign.
He's trying to insult your intelligence.

Your posts make me sad, Moomoo. Listen to watchkeys and some of the others. I understand you all too well and have been there. Can you get some outside help, counselling? Not relationship counselling but alone. Take care.

For what it's worth, I have no idea whether he's been physically unfaithful to you. But I think he's playing you and you already know that he's lying to you.

Ah that is so sad to hear op. Hugs. You deserve so much better than false words and true actions. Someone who loves and cares for you does not treat their partner like this.

Until you have therapy, you'll unconsciously keep re-creating this.

You sound lovely and you deserve so much better than this. Don't be frightened of being alone. Your partner clearly still has feelings for his ex, doesn't prioritise you or set boundaries for her. Rally support from your friends and family, retain your dignity, set an example of self respect for your child and leave.

@optimistic40 I have tried cognitive behavioural therapy recently as I’m newly diagnosed with generalised anxiety but I felt so awfully emotional and uncomfortable talking about things that ‘trigger’ my anxiety and if I’m honest quiet embarrassed to be letting things get to me so much, I mean other people have been through so much worse, my childhood trauma ended pretty much when I was 12 so almost 20 years ago now, I guess I just disregard it as something that really effects me.. until now 😬

Its a horrible situation at the moment and I feel pressured to either get over it or end it basically when my head is all over the place but I will get there. I really do appreciate everyone’s comments, having others opinions helps me not feel like I’m going insane haha.

Your head will clear once you've walked away.

Are you able to get away from him and get a little space to think? Perhaps ask him to stay with family?

Some of us had a trauma that "ended" sooner than that even... not sure it makes a difference. It's there. And childhood trauma or none; nobody would cope well with your partner's deceptive behaviour with a young child.