Is he hiding something?

[Moomoo012]

Hi

very confused and stressed mumma here needing some advice! Me and my partner have been together for almost 3 years, very very close and loving with each other until the past 6 months or so after our baby was born.. he’s become so cold and withdrawn (very little sex life which isn’t like us whatso ever) he always made it very clear how he felt about me, but not anymore.. At first I thought it was stress but since bringing it up to him he’s become even more cold, it’s like we’re strangers!

fast forward to Wednesday last week, he nipped to his mums after work (nothing unusual there) and our little girl got hold of his smart watch and was on his call log, I took it away from her and noticed that he’d called his ex’s works number, I was on the phone to him at the time so I asked if he’s spoken to her today and instantly the call log was deleted from the watch and he said he has no idea what I’m talking about.. something didn’t add up but I left it. Then when we went to bed he went to Google something and his browser was still open from earlier which showed his ex’s works number.. I pretended I didn’t see it. Then the next day he had logged me out of the o2 app (we have 2 phones one his and one mine on his account, we both use the app on our phones to keep an eye on our data usage etc) I thought nothing of it and carried on as usual.. then that evening i mentioned the Google search that I saw and he got up his browser to show his search history trying to prove that he didn’t Google her works number BUT again his previous browser was still open and it was how to find call logs on o2.. I didn’t leave it this time I questioned him and he said he was just looking to see if it was possible to find it on the app.. I left it at that. THEN last night he lay in bed on his phone looking confused and said he’s just got a random text from someone that said ‘hey, I heard you were off last week I hope you’re feeling better. Are you in tomorrow? Xx’ (he did leave work last Wednesday to go to a drs appointment)

He replied, sorry I don’t have your number saved who is this?
their reply, it’s (so and so) haha x
he replied, sorry I don’t know a (so and so) I think you may have the wrong number. Who do you think this is?
their reply, (so and so?) which by the way is his name..

his reply, that is my name but I’m very confused because I don’t know a (so and so) where do you work?
their reply, ok must be wrong number so sorry.

allllll evening after that he was talking about these texts and over explaining it.. saying he’ll let me know if she texts again(why would she if it’s the wrong number?) he saved the number and checked on WhatsApp to see if there was a profile picture, there was.. a woman that he “used to work with 4 years ago”

am I being paranoid or does something not add up here? I’m going crazy and I have no idea what to do. Do I forget it or do I pay attention to his behaviour and sit on it for a while?

sorry it’s a long one!

Hi! Has anybody ever experienced their partners ex telling you that they were still sleeping together when your relationship started and it not actually being true??

he tells me it is all a complete lie and is very confident with this, but she is also very confident that it did happen. The problem I have is that BOTH of them have lied to me and I am so confused at the moment, it is really bringing me down. He got very upset when he thought I’d believed her and said he couldn’t stay with me if I was to take her word over his which confused me. She has also said numerous times that ‘it’s ok if you take his word for it’ which also confused me, I mean who says that if they’re telling the truth? 🤦🏻‍♀️
He is a people pleaser and majorly avoids conflicts so his lies are a result of him not telling me things (trying to be friends with ex for the sake of their son and hiding it from me because she makes me uncomfortable, avoided telling her he loved me which blew up in his face because it hurt me and she found out he lied to her.. this list goes on)

I guess I just need to speak to someone who isn’t him or her to try and help me figure this one out! I love him deeply and have said if it were true I would forgive him but only if I’m told the truth, he insists that nothing ever happened with her when we got together and swore on his children’s lives..

she has tried to get in between us ever since he moved in with me and I’m in 2 minds weather she is just obsessed with him (or me who knows) or weather something really did happen and she is desperate to be believed.

we have been together for almost 3 years, his and her relationship ended 3 1/2 years ago.

please be kind, my mind is all over the place.

"He got very upset when he thought I’d believed her and said he couldn’t stay with me if I was to take her word over his which confused me"

He's getting upset at the wrong person. You didn't create this problem and he should have complete empathy for what you're feeling. He should be doing everything he can to allay your fears. Has he confronted the ex about this in your presence or provided proof of him confronting her about it? Has he offered to show you all messages to prove innocence. Anything less is unacceptable and an admission of guilt.

This does not sound like it is worth the head fuck tbh. I'd be the one issuing ultimatums about leaving.

I'm sorry, my gut tells me they've been involved throughout your relationship.

If he's not been working, do you support him financially? Sounds like he has been "having the best of both".

OP

He is messing with your head! He will continue to deny and blame the Ex!

You saw the messages with your own eyes! Why are you trying to convince yourself?

You said yourself, he is constantly telling lies. It must be awful for you, but he is not an honest man.

Of course he is "getting upset" and continuing to deny - that's all he has left.
This bullshit about the ex being obsessed with him - whether she is/isn't is not your problem.

He is your problem as long as you stay with him you'll have a tortured mind!

Has anybody ever experienced their partners ex telling you that they were still sleeping together when your relationship started and it not actually being true

What difference does it make? If everybody said they had experienced it, would it make either party easier to believe in your situation?

The problem I have is that BOTH of them have lied to me and I am so confused at the moment, it is really bringing me down

If you believe his ex as much as you believe him, then your trust in him is minimal, as it should be, because you know he's lied before. Stay away from drama that makes you feel like this. Your relationship has no foundation, and you'll just feel worse and worse until you get out. Someone you don't trust will never convince you that they're telling the truth.

@Raindrops2015 yes he has shown that he understands my pain and he’s apologised a lot for it but strongly insists that nothing ever happened with her when he met me and says he has never cheated on anybody in his life which she claims isn’t true (he confided in a friend when him and her broke up amd ended up sleeping with her and his ex claims it was when they were together but I had spoken to this ‘friend’ before me and him were a thing as we worked together and she told me the same dates so I know he didn’t cheat on her)

he was extremely angry when his ex first told me and he texted her to meet him at his mums house (didn’t want to get angry in front of me and the kids) called me straight after and told me what was said and she started messaging me straight after feeding me MORE information and telling me she has photos of bruises on her breasts from him biting during sex BUT she described the exact photos that I have of my own body and we later realised that her laptop was logged into his OneDrive so are concerned that she has seen photos of me that she shouldn’t of seen.. He arranged a day with her in person for us all to talk properly about it which was a bad day, she was trying to tarnish our entire relationship and saying things with me were just a ‘fling’ comparing herself to me sexually and telling me his and her relationship was ‘perfect and they NEVER argued’ which makes me feel as though she is out to cause trouble but that seed is still in my head, why would someone say they’ve slept with their ex when he fell in love with his new partner for no reason?

and in regards to messages no he’d deleted them all because of how it looked at the time due to him hiding it BUT she had sent me screen shots (only of ones that made him look bad though not of full conversations)

I agree this situation is messed up and I do wonder if it’s truly worth it but on the other hand if her goal is to break us up I will not let her do that to us. Other than her our relationship is truly amazing.

I agree this situation is messed up and I do wonder if it’s truly worth it but on the other hand if her goal is to break us up I will not let her do that to us. Other than her our relationship is truly amazing

This is bewildering. You're stating that you don't trust things he tells you. How can your relationship be amazing on anything other than a superficial level? People in amazing relationships don't wonder if any part of those relationships are 'worth it', because there's no cost. Why is her goal anything to do with your actions? If she's trying to break you up, who cares? You have to make your decisions based on what you want, not what she wants.

What is going on, OP? Why are you trying to convince yourself that this trust free relationship is good for you?

@Watchkeys in all honestly, because I love him so deeply and I cannot bare the thought of any of it being true. In my head he is so so so different to what she is describing, when I look at him it hurts how much I love him I don’t know if that’s the problem. I just have a gut feeling she wants me out of the way to make her move on him. I’ve seen messages that she’s sent him and I get the impression that she isn’t over him and until now he hasn’t believed that but he feels terrible for trying to be friends with her and says it’s opened a door to her that he didn’t even know existed anymore, he seems so genuine with his words and I’m so confused.

"and in regards to messages no he’d deleted them all because of how it looked"

I bet he did!

It doesn't matter what she wants. Do you want a relationship where an ex can rock up, say horrible things about your partner, and make you feel this way?

Can you not see that in a healthy relationship, she could say whatever she wanted, and you'd have faith in him, regardless?

OP read all of your own posts back to yourself in order of when you posted them.

Your dh is being a dick but she really could be stirring the pot too. It is going to come down to whether you want to be with him so much that you put your trust and faith in him and establish she is stirring or that you can have a niggle that he is lying but you can overlook it.

@Ohahjustalittlebit i completely agree with you he has been a dick, I’m just driving myself crazy with it all. He says it is all her stirring stuff and he’d not realised how bitter she was until now when it’s clear a friendship isn’t possible with her but he takes full responsibility for the messaging and knows that telling me would of stopped it looking so suspicious, I’ve read the screenshots that she sent me and it was all just ‘banter’ there wasn’t anything that would suggest him having other intentions, I’m sure she’d happily send that to me if that was the case.

I really do think I believe him it’s just the doubt creeping in because of the lies, he’s just as frustrated with himself for lying.

To be honest it sounds like she thought they would get back together and she could be sending you these messages cos she is bitter that they did not and it is her last ditch attempt to get him back. If he is serious about you and serious about not wanting a friendship with her although I fairly think their friendship is over now anyway with all this then all they should speak about from now on is the child they have together. No other banter, no questions about going swimming,. nothing just dates and times to collect and drop off.

Ffs…just leave him.

re-read your posts, think about it as though it were a friend talking about their partner, what would you say? You would know that he was a cheat…but because it’s your partner you don’t want to believe it.

it’s just the doubt creeping in because of the lies

This is how it works. He's shown you who he is, and now you know. Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? It's when you believe two opposing things to be true at once, like 1) he wouldn't lie to me because he loves me and 2) I know he might lie to me because he's proved that he's capable of that.

People who love each other don't lie to each other. He lied you. His guilt in this instance is neither here nor there. He has proved to you that he isn't trustworthy. You can't build a happy relationship on that.

Your initial post described him as pulling back, not intimate and very distant. This completely ties up to him being the liar. Why would he have anything to do with someone who tried to break yourll up previously? Does that make any sense to you? I think he's been lying to you. Also you have so much of evidence, his call log to her, searching her online, the texts between them? You really are in denial here.

@Mumspair1 my ex was a massive liar and a cheat and its torturing me thinking that after everything with my current partner that he could be the same. It’s unbelievably painful and yea I guess I could be convincing myself that he’s done nothing wrong so I don’t have to face it but at the same time it’s eating away at me every single day 😣😣😣

he’s trying hard to prove he loves me at the moment but I’m questioning it and not t believing that it’s genuine. I guess I’m giving myself the answers just not wanting to hear it at the moment.

Ha, he’s setting up that “cover story” with pretending like he didn’t know who was texting him and telling you all about it. That’s the lamest tick in the book. Don’t fall for it. He knows that woman and he knows you saw all his history on his phone and you’re suspicious. So now he’s setting up like he’s innocent.

i would just sit back and wait and watch. I’m sure you will catch him at it again.

It's not genuine.
He's a liar.
You're being v v foolish.

Leave him.

he’s trying hard to prove he loves me at the moment

In a healthy relationship, if you expressed that you didn't have faith in his love for you, he'd just leave. Nobody has to prove anything, and if anybody feels they have to, it's slipped into unhealthy territory. Proof of love is evident all the time in healthy relationships, in such things as trust and respect, reliability, honesty, and just plain, decent, honest communication.

He lies to you. You know that. All that good stuff goes out of the window when you learn that your partner lies. It's over then, because anything good is tainted by it, and that's what you're experiencing now: the taint. It doesn't go away because he can't create a situation where he hasn't lied to you.

OP if the messages were deleted ask him to reinstall the app and that might bring some of them back. If you need further evidence but for me screenshots that make him look bad (only he can incriminate himself) and him threatening to leave ME (blooming cheek of him) would be enough for me to walk.

Also be careful. We tend to retraumatize ourselves by going out with the same lying cheating shits. We develop a pattern so if you have history of being involved with liars, spongers and cheaters then ditch this idiot and do some work on yourself to stop allowing this crap into your life.

Other than her our relationship is truly amazing.

Read your posts back.

Don’t be an utter fool.

He’s a liar and a cheat and when caught out, he proves himself to be a fucking idiot, too.

Wake up.

I know I have excused a lot of his behaviour and I’m not really sure why, I guess because things to me always seemed to be so amazing and I felt so so happy I was convinced that he truly didn’t mean to do anything wrong. But the thought of letting go really really makes me not want to because I love him and thought our views on relationships and life were exactly the same and in writing this I know how much of a fool I because I have never and would never lie to him, go behind his back, cheat or do anything that would put our relationship at risk.. but why can’t I let go? I feel stupid saying that because I know that’s ultimately what I need to do, I just don’t want to.

This relationship is ten times better than my 10 year relationship with my ex and I guess I’m comparing it to that.. it’s not as bad so it must be good if that makes any sense 🤷‍♀️

I know I have excused a lot of his behaviour and I’m not really sure why

What example did your parents set you, OP? Did they listen to and respect each others opinions when you were growing up? Did they listen to and respect you, and your feelings? Did you feel heard, emotionally?