Should I even respond to this?

[PoctorDepper]

I'm getting so fed up with this. I have dated this guy on and off for 4 years now. In December last year we had a long talk about the fact that we want different things, I laid it all out and told him I need something stable and serious. He isn't ready for it and that's fine, so we ended things and I blocked him on all platforms because it was quite painful. We work in the same building and I can't block him on Teams (although he was muted) so he did occasionally message on there but I ignored them. He showed up at my house a few weeks ago saying he missed me so badly he couldn't help himself and had to get back in touch. We had a date and a night in and ended up sleeping together. Then suddenly he was doing loads of applications for new jobs (he's been talking about needing a new challenge for a long time) and because he has to focus on getting these applications completed by the deadlines, he can't hang out with me. He went back to relying on bumping into one another at work because he enjoys those interactions - talking in front of everyone but having our thing be private. We had a disagreement a couple of weeks ago as these applications are taking priority over me but not over tuesday night football, kung fu lessons and drink with colleagues/friends... I made it clear I feel like I've been used - he said:
"Sadly, it is a coincidence, that this month of all times... that just as we've had an intimate moment... I've become unavailable because of a few applications i need to complete this months... it a pain... and understandable that it sends a very confusing message."

Anyway, this weekend he asked me if I would be free for him to come over yesterday. For context - he's aware that my 7 year old son would be around, who he's only met twice in 4 years - he wouldn't normally suggest coming over when my son is there because I'm so wary of letting people I'm dating meet him. Or at least people who are off and on like this guy. So he suggested 4/5pm. I text him in the morning to say 4.30. Heard nothing at all, all day. At 8pm he text to tell me he'd been unwell.

Is it a waste of time even responding? Or am I being too harsh. I suppose he could be genuinely unwell, although I have no inclination to believe him at this point. Even ill, is it that hard to pick up your phone and text someone that you cant make it? I really want to rant and hand him his arse, I've always responded to these things calmly and rationally... any suggestions?

Your are an option to him, that is all. Don't give him the choice any more. Bin.

He's unavailable for x,y and z reasons, it doesn't really matter. Don't block him because that's a bit too harsh, just move in to greener pastures. Men are not a species in danger of extinction.

If the sex is amazing do keep him as a fuck buddy whenever you're available (NOT whenever he's available).

You’re in love with him and I’m afraid it’s not reciprocated.
He doesn’t want and never has wanted a relationship with you , I’m so sorry I know it hurts but the more you cling on to the little breadcrumbs he throws your way , the more it will hurt .Breadcrumbing is a classic tactic to keep you hanging in, by throwing a tiny bit your way it means you think he’s still interested . He’s not , I doubt you have been the only person he’s been seeing but regardless , he’s shown you who he is, he doesn’t love you or want a relationship, he wants you available on his terms and his terms only , seriously OP you will drive yourself to distraction and waste years trying to work this man out .
in a nutshell he’s using you, you had the audacity to cut him off and he didn’t like it, he wanted to see if the door was still open and it was, now he knows, he’s not interested, until such a time as he needs a booty call and an ego massage.
shut the door and bolt it! I’d text him back saying sorry this isn’t working for me. Please don’t contact me again . Then block everywhere and I mean everywhere, if he comes up to you at work , get up and sit somewhere else , or say sorry I gave a call to make . He’ll get the message but don’t be surprised if he then ups the ante as his ego will be bruised , he doesn’t want you , he just needs to know you want HIM . Show him you don’t . You deserve better

Four years though…yeesh! Long time to be kept dangling. Cut that string and move away.

Thank you everyone, for all your comments and suggestions. I've reread this thread several times during the day today and reading it all again now. I'll keep rereading it, I think, to remind myself how this day felt and how I need to be thinking.

I haven't blocked him, but I won't be responding to any more messages or calls. As if I've just forgotten he exists. And he probably will approach me at work but I will do the grey rock thing - tell him I'm busy and can't talk, then leave the desk area. I don't know what I'll do if he shows up at my house again - probably just quietly close the door on him.

I've walked away from him before, I can do it again and this time I will stick to it as he's made it SO clear at this point that I'm nothing more to him than a booty call. I did fine last time until he turned up here, but if he ever does that again that's when I'll come back here and remind myself how that ended.

I've really really had enough. Thanks again all, every single response has been really helpful.

amazing!! He is so unworthy
hope you meet someone super cute really soon :)

Each to their own but I don’t feel good about myself unless I’m politely honest with people,

”I’m sorry to hear you were unwell. However, it doesn’t sound like you were so unwell that you couldn’t have shot me a quick message to let me know you wouldn’t show. That lack of respect isn’t good enough for me. We’ve had many good times and I’ll remember those fondly. But our relationship isn‘t working for me anymore. I’ve decided going to move on and look for someone who is better aligned with me . I genuinely wish you all the best, but please don’t contact me outside work again.”

Then proceed with Professional Grey Rock at work and utterly ignore all other attempts at communication.

I wouldn't say that you want different things. That's just feeding his ego. I'd just say that I was no longer interested in him.

Years ago a friend of mine offered me a simple piece of advice. It wasn’t anything to do with a bloke but it applies in all circumstances and I’ve carried with me ever since.

”Never judge someone by what they say…but by what they do.”

Or to put it another way, actions speak louder than words. He’s showing you how little regard he has for you by what he does, which is to blow you off with crap excuses until he has a use for you.
If any bloke held off on seeing me for a month because he was filling in job applications, I’d take that as sure sign he wasn’t fucking interested. Or at least, not interested in the way I want to be interesting. I’ll save that effort for someone who likes me.

I've got the ick from here - yuck.

Id be really blunt. He had all day to say he couldn't make it and it's not just you but your child who you possibly told to expect a visitor. Thats not just careless it seems pointedly so.

'Youre taking the piss and wasting my time when you cant even be arsed to send a one line 30 sec text in advance to let me know theres a change of plans. Letting me down is one thing but I was also with my son so now you can f* off. Dont ever contact me again'

😂 honestly jokers like this who thinj they can just waltz in and out wasting your time and energy deserve an actual boot up the arse

That's a good start. No need to respond, as you would only engage in more and more of this instead of steadily detaching yourself day by day. Once you meet someone new and great you will be proud of yourself you cut that one off!

Men who love you and WANT to keep you will cherish the relationship, men who don't care will bread crumb or just be plain jerks because they really don't care about loosing you. How you react to this is up to you. Too many women accepting bread crumbs. These men don't change, just move on to the next "shiny thing" leaving you feeling bitter and angry. Talking from personal experience here, I just wasted 3 beautiful months of my life with a bread crumber. I recently broke up but wish I could have seen the red flags at the beginning (they were there but I chose not to look at them).

4 years is way too long OP and leaves your self esteem down the drain.