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Original poster

Should I even respond to this?

89 replies

PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 10:06

I'm getting so fed up with this. I have dated this guy on and off for 4 years now. In December last year we had a long talk about the fact that we want different things, I laid it all out and told him I need something stable and serious. He isn't ready for it and that's fine, so we ended things and I blocked him on all platforms because it was quite painful. We work in the same building and I can't block him on Teams (although he was muted) so he did occasionally message on there but I ignored them. He showed up at my house a few weeks ago saying he missed me so badly he couldn't help himself and had to get back in touch. We had a date and a night in and ended up sleeping together. Then suddenly he was doing loads of applications for new jobs (he's been talking about needing a new challenge for a long time) and because he has to focus on getting these applications completed by the deadlines, he can't hang out with me. He went back to relying on bumping into one another at work because he enjoys those interactions - talking in front of everyone but having our thing be private. We had a disagreement a couple of weeks ago as these applications are taking priority over me but not over tuesday night football, kung fu lessons and drink with colleagues/friends... I made it clear I feel like I've been used - he said:
"Sadly, it is a coincidence, that this month of all times... that just as we've had an intimate moment... I've become unavailable because of a few applications i need to complete this months... it a pain... and understandable that it sends a very confusing message."

Anyway, this weekend he asked me if I would be free for him to come over yesterday. For context - he's aware that my 7 year old son would be around, who he's only met twice in 4 years - he wouldn't normally suggest coming over when my son is there because I'm so wary of letting people I'm dating meet him. Or at least people who are off and on like this guy. So he suggested 4/5pm. I text him in the morning to say 4.30. Heard nothing at all, all day. At 8pm he text to tell me he'd been unwell.

Is it a waste of time even responding? Or am I being too harsh. I suppose he could be genuinely unwell, although I have no inclination to believe him at this point. Even ill, is it that hard to pick up your phone and text someone that you cant make it? I really want to rant and hand him his arse, I've always responded to these things calmly and rationally... any suggestions?

Should I even respond to this?
OP posts:
Original poster
PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 11:54

GreenManalishi · 25/07/2022 11:46

Sex that doesn't make you feel good is not amazing.

I meant he's not making me feel good about myself anymore with his crap flakiness - the sex is still amazing.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 25/07/2022 11:55

Decent no strings dick is ten a penny, if you spend half the time you are doing thinking about this waste of space you'll find someone else to have a casual fling with.

torquewench · 25/07/2022 11:57

HyperionWarbonnet · 25/07/2022 10:14

Don't even dump - ghost.

Just the craft beers comment would be it for me😁

I got the ick seeing that 😁

Hes a pretentious time wasting twit.

Craft beer. Sheesh.

Original poster
PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 11:57

djdkdkddkek · 25/07/2022 10:53

I think tbh he prob likes the idea that you want to be with him, he rejects you and you block him because it’s too difficult for you to talk to him (proper ego boost) then he makes some bullshit about needing you and he gets laid

also him keeping yoj a secret at work for 4 years sort of implies he has someone else on the go

I’d not respond, like ever actually. Even when he strolls back with “my head was just all over the place you know I care for you but the work arrangement and I’m not good enough for yoj my head is blah blah blah blah blah”

I like this point about blocking him really just feeding his ego. He's hidden/archived and muted on Teams and WhatsApp. I never re-added him anywhere else after I blocked him last year. If I just never respond again, I think he'll get the idea. I wouldn't put him past him to come and sit at my desk at work for a chat though.

OP posts:
Staynow · 25/07/2022 12:00

He kept you dangling for four years, you ended it because you wanted more and he didn't like it so he did everything he could to get you back in bed. Now that he's proved to himself that he could get you if he wanted to he wants to punish you for ending it by messing you around as much as possible.

I'd reply that clearly nothing has changed, you want different things, sleeping with him was a mistake and you'd like him to respect the fact that from now onwards you don't want any communication apart from that essential for work. He might up his game again following this rejection but you need to stop falling for his bullshit.

Original poster
PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 12:03

nzeire · 25/07/2022 11:27

It got worst

😆I don't highlight stuff like that but I hear you

OP posts:
Original poster
PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 12:05

Staynow · 25/07/2022 12:00

He kept you dangling for four years, you ended it because you wanted more and he didn't like it so he did everything he could to get you back in bed. Now that he's proved to himself that he could get you if he wanted to he wants to punish you for ending it by messing you around as much as possible.

I'd reply that clearly nothing has changed, you want different things, sleeping with him was a mistake and you'd like him to respect the fact that from now onwards you don't want any communication apart from that essential for work. He might up his game again following this rejection but you need to stop falling for his bullshit.

I hadn't thought of what hes doing as punishment for blocking.. that puts a different spin on things.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 25/07/2022 12:22

He sees you as a booty call.

Aren't you worth more? You've given him four years of your life. Don't give him anymore.

Pamlar · 25/07/2022 12:31

Block. Ghost.
Get rid for good

Original poster
PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 12:46

He might come and sit with me for a chat at work. It's happened before. I need a way to be clear that he should leave me alone, but still professional. Much as I would love to shout and swear at him, every floor in our building is open-plan and I can't bear the thought of a scene.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 25/07/2022 13:06

He's proving to himself that he can get you back any time he wants, and that you'll let him trample your boundaries (especially about your son).

It's about his ego.

And someone willing to involve a small child in his games is not a decent man.

I'd set a really clear boundary this time: a clear and sustained, 'no'. He's not good news, and while you are wrapped up in wondering about him, you aren't building more constructive activities and friendships.

He's also destroying the confidence you need if you are to properly move on. Your child, as well as yourself, deserves better than him doing that to you.

perfectstorm · 25/07/2022 13:08

PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 12:46

He might come and sit with me for a chat at work. It's happened before. I need a way to be clear that he should leave me alone, but still professional. Much as I would love to shout and swear at him, every floor in our building is open-plan and I can't bear the thought of a scene.

"This isn't a good time for a chat, I'm afraid. I'm extremely busy." Polite smile, turn away and look very intent on something else - and if he doesn't get the hint and go, then just go to the loo without saying that's where you're headed, so he's left sitting there alone. (The second is a good option if you're with other people and don't want a refusal to engage to look hostile.)

Grey rock, is what people call that approach I believe. Polite, non-inflammatory, and completely impermeable.

Positivevibes2022 · 25/07/2022 13:09

PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 12:46

He might come and sit with me for a chat at work. It's happened before. I need a way to be clear that he should leave me alone, but still professional. Much as I would love to shout and swear at him, every floor in our building is open-plan and I can't bear the thought of a scene.

You don’t need to shout at him as you have to work with him, you don’t wanna make it awk and get on bad terms - be the bigger person (something he lacks), you could literally just say “ I’ve been having a think, I’ve told you in the past what I’m looking for and I know you’re not looking for the same, I think it’s best we go our separate ways before things turn sour between us. Yes the sex is great but I need to put myself first for a change, I need stability, I have a child to raise and I cannot be dealing with mind games and people that pick and choose when they are in my life. I don’t want it to be awkward at work so feel free to pop and have a chat if you’re ever passing by, but I think it’ll be better this way” it’s hard but he needs tough love x

Chattycatty · 25/07/2022 13:34

I'd reply saying "hope you feel better soon" then never be available again.
You can be polite in work but nothing personal happens ever again. Don't cause a scene don't make it look like you care.
If he asks to see you again just say you are busy if he pushes just say you think it's run its course and you aren't feeling the same way anymore. This way he can't make out you are "nuts" like these men are prone to do. Be calm cool and collected.

Chattycatty · 25/07/2022 13:37

BTW he Will probably come back saying he wants the same as you do because that worked last time but he's lying don't believe it the next time.

Original poster
PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 14:49

perfectstorm · 25/07/2022 13:08

"This isn't a good time for a chat, I'm afraid. I'm extremely busy." Polite smile, turn away and look very intent on something else - and if he doesn't get the hint and go, then just go to the loo without saying that's where you're headed, so he's left sitting there alone. (The second is a good option if you're with other people and don't want a refusal to engage to look hostile.)

Grey rock, is what people call that approach I believe. Polite, non-inflammatory, and completely impermeable.

Show quote history

This is perfect!

OP posts:
Spohn · 25/07/2022 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stupidly · 25/07/2022 15:09

I've been there myself. Holding on to a shit situation for the Amazing Sex.
Feeling some weird sort of addiction to sleeping with him.

But I realised eventually (well, still working through it) that the sex actually isn't that amazing when I'm internally feeling used and like my sanity is being chipped away at. It never goes away, that feeling of rejection.. before, during or after the sex.
It isn't worth it.

He's a dick. Don't embarrass yourself further by reinforcing the image that he has of you, that you're a doormat.

vaingina · 25/07/2022 15:11

He is disrespecting you and using you because he thinks he can. The nonsense about not knowing about the future is an insult. There is much better out there. I wouldn’t bother telling him why. Next time he asks just say no and block.

Motherofalittledragon · 25/07/2022 15:14

Definitely time to move on from this one

Sunnysideup · 25/07/2022 15:18

Oh op

this is a booty call if ever I’ve seen one. The guy doesn’t want a serious relationship with you, you really need to accept that. He’s only seeing you as you offer him sex. Which is fine if that’s all you want but you’re trying to kid yourself it’s a sign he wants a relationship when he’s told you clearly he doesn’t.

for your sake I think you should stop offering him a shag,

Sunnysideup · 25/07/2022 15:26

Cock is abundant and of low value

for gods sake, who said this first on here and then a bunch of other posters copied it. It’s an awful thing to write, if a man wrote about a woman someone was seeing “pussy is abundant and of low value” there would be an outcry.

it also shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the ops issue, which is she wants a relationship with this man, she’s in love with him, even though she won’t possibly admit it, and desperate to be with him in a relationship , that’s why she thinks the sex is Amazing. Because it’s him. Why she’s accepting these scraps and lies and upset he doesn’t want more,

It is not the case any man would do and she just wishes sex.

mnhq should delete any post repeating this awful and often trotted out line,

allboysherebutme · 25/07/2022 15:26

Find someone else. X

takeitandleaveit · 25/07/2022 15:30

PoctorDepper · 25/07/2022 12:46

He might come and sit with me for a chat at work. It's happened before. I need a way to be clear that he should leave me alone, but still professional. Much as I would love to shout and swear at him, every floor in our building is open-plan and I can't bear the thought of a scene.

That's called marking your territory.

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 15:42

You have more options than grey rock technique and shouting and screaming.

You could just quietly say to him 'Could you leave me alone, please.' and if he keeps coming, quietly tell him that if he doesn't stop coming to your desk for chats, you'll speak to your supervisor and ask them to tell him. It's two sentences. Much easier than 'trying to get your message across', and much more professional.