Relationship going downhill

[Mrchathappy]

would love to hear opinions on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for over 10yrs and have two great children together.

The physical part of our relationship was always pretty good. As time has gone by it got less and less. I totally appreciate that it happens when you have kids, but to a point of it becoming more of a yearly event that monthly or weekly.

I’ve tried to sit and talk to her about my feelings and she knows that the situation isn’t great but within a week she acts like we never spoke of anything and things go back to how they were.

I always felt pushed away and really resentful sometimes that I was the one trying and it was never reciprocated. I’m the one who always tells her I love her, who always makes an effort for meals out or runs a bath for her with wine and candles.

I’m the one on the school runs because of her work times and always helping out around the house from cleaning to cooking. So it’s not like I don’t pull my weight.

I sometimes feel I’m here in a friendship context rather than relationship these days.

I spoke to her more recently (which she really doesn’t like when it’s about this kinda stuff) and questioned what was going on and told her that I love her and that I still fancy her a lot. The response was that she again knew she was always making excuses and pushing me away but not sure why. She said that it isn’t something that ever crosses her mind, and even said that there isn’t a part of me that makes her want me or that gives her any urges anymore. (Talk about kick me when I’m down)

I’m not an ugly bloke (not blowing my own trumpet) and I’m athletically built. Again
i’m self conscious so part of me worries that something about me is putting her off!

she claims she’d be like it with anyone not just me. Which I believe.

I now understand why I’m always pushed away and feel awful at times.

I can’t help but feel I’m in a one sided relationship. She says she loves me but that could be the fact we’ve been together so long and have kids.

To say I feel trapped sounds wrong. Then again I want to be here for the kids and for her of course, but I want someone who really wants me in every sense and to feel loved.

Its a rock and a hard place. noone should be pressured into intimacy, by the same token im not sure relationships without it when one person wants it and the other doesn't ever really recover.

You mentioned a conversation, but it ends just with your partner saying she doesnt know why but she's not interested. I guess id be asking, did she indicate whether she wanted or would be willing to work on a solution?

i wouldn’t force someone to be intimate but what really then differentiates relationship from a friendship? Works for some people I guess but the point of being with the “one” is the extras that go with making a friendship into a relationship.

there were mentions of seeking help to understand why she is feeling this way. Also says she’ll try to be more conscious of it.. but being more conscious of it means to me that it doesn’t come naturally and is sort of forced.
Plus she’ll never go and see someone because again after a week she reverts back to pretending all is well. There are only so many times I can bring it up without seeming like a plonker and pestering someone.

Unfortunately I know how you feel, my previous 5 year relationship ended pretty much sexless, I wasn’t ready to give up that part my life so ended it. ( I’m a man)
I don’t understand how one person can withdraw sex from a relationship and expect the other person to just accept it and do nothing and suck it up.

I have no real advice other than be think about yourself, do you really want to be in a sexless relationship for the next 10 years, you cannot pressure someone into having sex with you, but it’s your choice to stay or not

You’re stuck really. I feel sorry for you both as she can’t force herself to want sex any more than you can bury your needs and pretend you don’t need sex. You need to be
honest and if you can’t reach a compromise you need to make plans to separate. Life’s too short

Theres a difference between pestering and asking how shes doing figuring it out. You kinda need to know if she genuinely wants to work on it? If she doesnt really then you need to decide if you stay and accept that sex is likely off the table, or go.

I read something on here actually about two years ago, that if I’d seen it 12 years ago me and my first husband might have made it. When one half of a couple has to be nagged at and be given instructions and the other half does all the planning and thinking, it changes the dynamic into a parent and child scenario. This naturally changes our hormones and pheromones into one of nurturer/caregiver rather than bonded partner and we stop wanting to have sex with them.
Lots of men don’t want to hear this advice so I want you to really really think about it. Look up emotional labour. She sounds burnt out.

I was in a 14 year marriage that was like this, and honestly in retrospect it was because I was overworked and undervalued. He was good looking and good in bed, but after another day of doing ALL the life admin and house work and childcare and working full time, I’d had enough and couldn’t bear the thought of another job I needed to do in the bedroom to make him happy. I used to beg him to do more with the kids, pick up after himself, actually think for himself as I did it all…but ultimately I wasn’t important enough for him to do that. We drifted apart and that was that.

I’m now happily married to a self motivated ‘do-er’, I don’t have to nag him like I’m his mum, he just gets shit done. He works long hours in a physical job, I work long hours in a mentally exhausting job, we have multiple children and pets, but we are a team. It won’t surprise anyone to hear that after almost 8 years I still want to rip his clothes off multiple times a week. The dynamic in our relationship is still as fresh as the day we met.
Be really honest with yourself, do you do stuff at home without being asked? Does she have to give you instructions? Can you do a food shop without fucking it up? Do you take care of appointments and paying bills?

At least you’re not married, time to go and get the relationship you do want.

@PotatoFamily I'm with you.

OP you write that you're "always helping out around the house" which to me is telling. You didn't write, I ensure that I take on at least 50% of the household labour including emotional labour because I am 50% of the adults. Unless this is the case, and be really honest with yourself, then this is something to address before you throw the towel in.

For some women, me included, there is nothing, and I mean nothing less sexy than having to mother your partner, in any capacity. Not just household chores, the odd bout of washing up and then expecting a pat on the back and a blow job isn't going to do it. It is an absolute killer. And the reverse is true.

You sit with her and talk about your feelings, have you sat with her and asked her about hers, rather than questioned her what's going on? And I mean ask her and listen, until you understand what life is like for her at the moment. Be curious about what's going on for her, retain that information and do something with it to help her.

Running her a bath is now just going to give her the ick, because she knows what's coming. Forget that. And bunches of flowers. I'm talking remembering your mums birthday, getting a present and a card in advance, wrapping it. You don't need to announce it. Just do it. Same for your kids if they're going to a birthday party. If you can use your brain and anticipate what needs doing, and do it, without any vibe of Tadaaaaa! Look at meee! Where's my gold star and my shag because I cleaned the kitchen FOR YOU, you'll do yourself some major favours.

If she knows she can rely on you to lean in and take some of the weight, she might start to see you as a fuckable equal partner instead of another thing on her very long list of things to do that day.

Karen Gurney has some great resource online re sex.

All of this.

You aren't 'helping her'. You are supposed to contribute to the household that you live in, including looking after your own children. You can't expect medals for just being a grown up.

She does sound burnt out, especially if she is working and you are just 'helping'. Do you carry any mental load?

I honestly do so much at home that it gets taken as a given these days. When I mention to the moms on school run what I have to do when I get back home they’re shocked!
I get the kids ready for school, make packed lunches, do a drop off before work, race around at work to get done for school pickup, then possibly come home to mow the lawn, she pops downstairs (works from home) Asks if I’d tidy or hoover. So I clean, then I’ll put the kids dinner in and also cook for us.
The only thing I don’t do (because she won’t let me) is the clothes washing.
This is why I feel taken for granted because She expects it from me now and claims that other men all do it. (Certainly not all do)

Nobody ever wanted to rip the clothes off a self congratulating martyr either. Ask her. Properly.

Also, what contraceptive is she on? I was on the implant after DD2 and it really shot my sex drive, but it took me a while to disentangle this from general postpartum/mum of young toddler exhaustion....

I don’t expect anything back when I do chores because as you say I’m a adult too and the house and chores are also mine.

what my point was, was that I’m not the typical bloke who comes home and leaves everything to her..

I pull my weight. I’m constantly busy, up 6.30 make her tea in bed and kids a drink and breakfast before school whilst emptying the dishwasher and sorting my van out for the day ahead..

I then do everything in my previous post when I get home. I’m not a lazy person.

im also an affectionate person, always likes a cuddle, tells someone how I feel. Love feeling loved back.

I do sit down and ask her about her day, or what’s wrong with her if she’s looking mopey about work or other things.
The only downside to her is, is that you won’t sit and talk. She has to be one of the hardest people to reason with or chat to about things. So this is why I find it hard

I read that the different contraceptives can effect how you feel. When we had our “talk” I mentioned it to her and she said that the ones she’s on seems best suited to her so I didn’t question it any further.
All I know is that it’s one she takes everyday. Think my ex had one she took and have a weeks break for periods in between. But I’m not clued up on womens contraceptives enough to know.

Perhaps she knows the marriage is over but she’s staying while the kids are young, so she doesn’t have to do what you do.
Imagine how much more she would have to do if you weren’t together.

@GreenManalishi Well sometimes you can’t win..if I didn’t do anything about the house it’s be me, but obviously because I do, then it’s me.

im not self congratulating.. I’m clearly stating what I do because other posts mentioned that if I don’t help then that’ll be the reason because she’s burnt out!

I have tried to ask her! And in my original post I think I said that she knows that she is like it.. but she doesn’t like to speak about it which isn’t easy for me to approach the subject constantly when she carries on like normal after a week. Like we’ve never spoke about anything

If you are genuine in your posts then I think there’s only two options

1. counselling
2. split up

oh sorry there is a 3rd - stay together but have an open relationship.

i would ask her to think about whether she would be open to relationship counselling in an effort to reconnect the sexual and intimate side, not just sex but the other things which take a friendship to a relationship.
sit down and explain that you want to stay together and want to try counselling but you’ll give her some time to think about it and if it’s something she is willing to do.

if she says yes then great, you can give it a go.

if she says no then the relationship is over and you should work on trying to amicably split up, without blame or recriminations.

it is what it is, people fall out of love, people stop being attracted to each other. It’s sad of course but it’s common, if one side isn’t willing to trying to address it then there’s nothing you can do, you have to both want it to change.

This all sounds quite unhealthy. Tell her you need a chat and it's important. Ask her when would be good for her. Then sit her down and tell her how you feel, what you want, and how you'll feel if she can't meet your needs.

Then leave it up to her to decide whether you're worth it, to her. Let her choose via her actions, what she wants.

At the moment you're pissed off because you're 'helping' around the house. Your 'You've no idea how much I have to do' list is basically a list of housework we all have to do. Why 'poor you'? What's the work balance between you?

You are responsible for your own happiness, and until you say what you need and want, you can't expect to get it. Take charge of yourself and your life.

You've not got a problem in your relationship with sex, you've got a problem with communication. I'm not saying that it's your fault, but if you are pulling your weight in every way possible, (you'd be a rarity, but fair enough) and she genuinely won't have a conversation about it, then maybe you need some help to have the conversations from a therapist. You can get through any number of shitstorms as a couple but you need to be able to communicate well to do so, and being able to talk about sex is a prerequisite for doing it.

Get a vasectomy asap. Hormonal contraception kills libido. Vasectomy will save your marriage

Wow. Missing the raft of problems in the relationship, and putting it all down to 'Get the woman to stop refusing to fuck you.'

Nice.

I think you've put the effort in. Does she ever approach you to talk about improving your relationship? Think about that.

You've reached a stage where you are incompatible. Think about the logistics of splitting up, write down a plan and then begin implementation. You don't need her permission to break up and move on to a more fulfilling life. Many women will be receptive.

It's 2022. This is so depressing @KosherDill ... "receptive"? 🙄Vomit.

How old are your children?

You say she made the point that she would be like this with anyone, not just you. It seems like this is quite likely a case of mismatched libidos, maybe due to her contraceptive, maybe just classic exhausted, parenting young children & working hamster wheel phase etc. It's very common.

It's worrying & unfortunately that she doesn't seem to take your unhappiness seriously but it is also all too common to just bury one's head in the sand and fall back into usual habits etc.

When you approach her and talk about this, does she say she is happy otherwise?
Does she seem bothered that you are bothered?

Also, when was the last time you spent time together alone? I don't want to minimise, but I've seen this situation happen a lot with friends at this stage im their relationship/parenting journey and spmetimes it as simple as having lost their way because they haven't spent any quality time with each other. A weekend or night away, a date night etc.
She sounds like she might be a bit 'lost' in the depths of parenting, work etc. Prioritising other people, and not herself or you. Pair that with possible contraceptive libido issues, and it would lead to this indifference.