Relationship going downhill

[Mrchathappy]

would love to hear opinions on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for over 10yrs and have two great children together.

The physical part of our relationship was always pretty good. As time has gone by it got less and less. I totally appreciate that it happens when you have kids, but to a point of it becoming more of a yearly event that monthly or weekly.

I’ve tried to sit and talk to her about my feelings and she knows that the situation isn’t great but within a week she acts like we never spoke of anything and things go back to how they were.

I always felt pushed away and really resentful sometimes that I was the one trying and it was never reciprocated. I’m the one who always tells her I love her, who always makes an effort for meals out or runs a bath for her with wine and candles.

I’m the one on the school runs because of her work times and always helping out around the house from cleaning to cooking. So it’s not like I don’t pull my weight.

I sometimes feel I’m here in a friendship context rather than relationship these days.

I spoke to her more recently (which she really doesn’t like when it’s about this kinda stuff) and questioned what was going on and told her that I love her and that I still fancy her a lot. The response was that she again knew she was always making excuses and pushing me away but not sure why. She said that it isn’t something that ever crosses her mind, and even said that there isn’t a part of me that makes her want me or that gives her any urges anymore. (Talk about kick me when I’m down)

I’m not an ugly bloke (not blowing my own trumpet) and I’m athletically built. Again
i’m self conscious so part of me worries that something about me is putting her off!

she claims she’d be like it with anyone not just me. Which I believe.

I now understand why I’m always pushed away and feel awful at times.

I can’t help but feel I’m in a one sided relationship. She says she loves me but that could be the fact we’ve been together so long and have kids.

To say I feel trapped sounds wrong. Then again I want to be here for the kids and for her of course, but I want someone who really wants me in every sense and to feel loved.

@xyzabchij that is what I said and I’ll stand by those words because i thinks it’s true. It certainly doesn’t mean I’m after any awards for being like it or even saying it!
My reasoning being stating it was because, like I’ve said before, others has said it’s because I don’t do anything about the home and she’s tired out ( many assumptions on here rather than actually reading).

My intentions posting on here was to try to gain a better understanding from listening to others.
I’m an affectionate, caring chap. When I don’t get it back ( I don’t mean in a sexual sense) I find it difficult to understand how someone can receive all the affection and not reciprocate. All I want is to feel loved and fancied back. Obviously if she doesn’t feel like this in day to day normal life, she’ll never Want to go further with me.

I’ve tried talking. I’ve taken a step back. I sometimes find it hard to hide and she asks what’s the matter but never seems to understand it’s related to what we’ve spoke about.

she wants to stay together but as it’s one sided she’s getting all the attention so obviously in her eyes all is well. For me it’s hard to be here for what feels like, just a person to talk to or come home to.

I think possibly I’m going to have to sit down with her again and talk about coming off the pill or speaking to someone about how or what she’s feeling. I hate bringing it up because I know she’s thinking “here he goes again”

I think you need to leave. The resentment will poison you.

@Mrchathappy
Is this lack of interest in you, affection, attention & care etc new?
Or is it her partly her character?

I've said this before on other similar threads so I'll say it again here! I think as women get older, they naturally have a dip in libido. This is because we are naturally built to reproduce and past the age of about 45, nature says it's worried that women won't survive long enough to see a child into adulthood (because nature still thinks it's the female of our species who does most of the childcare). So periods stop, and libido drops. Male humans, on the other hand, do not suffer this drop in libido because they are built to continue procreating because nature still thinks they do the hunting and not the childcare!

The media gives an unrealistic expectation of women as they age, in a way. Imagine an elderly cow in a field being approached by a bull - she'd just kick him away and walk off wouldn't she?! But because we humans are in long-term loving relationships, we somehow need to compromise I suppose. But that goes for both those with the high libidos and those with the waning libidos.

Basically I'm saying that this is a problem that is not just confined to your relationship OP - many, many couples are facing the same.

Not knowing either of you personally it's hard to advise, but if you do want to stay together then both of you need to compromise a bit.

Op, I'm pretty much your wife, although you sound like you do a lot more around the house.
Having another talk isn't going to work as she's bored with you repeating yourself, and you have failed as a couple to work it out so far.
I feel for you, and my husband, it's not your fault but we are just not interested. I wouldn't be interested if it was Ryan Gosling tbh.
Counseling if you want to save the relationship. Find one, and sign you both up. She's already said she'll do it, so stop sniveling and get it sorted.
Then once you've tried that it'll become clear whether or not you want to continue with the relationship.
Good Luck.

@Yamyam13 it’s hard to say really. She’s not ever been a really cuddly person. I’ve always been an affectionate person. My ex was equally affectionate and so we’d always hold hands or cuddle on the sofa or in bed. It Made things so much easier and happier.
I know everyone is different and this partner is opposite to my last. She’s very caring and thoughtful but doesn’t really translate it to someone close.

@Wartywart
I totally agree and understand what you mean. But we are in our mid and late 30’s so not quite there. I do get that maybe she is the type who’s made to reproduce and so not interested anymore and her libido has gone.

@Ihavekids
It does sound like you’re very much alike. She’s never been one that sees another bloke and says “he’s nice looking” she doesn’t seem that bothered.
I’m not snivelling.. she said she’d go to counselling but she says this but does nothing about it.. I can’t force her to go. I need her to want to go otherwise it’s not going to work even if she does go.
It’s very difficult when someone acts like everything is fine whilst the other partner is struggling with the situation but like you’ve just said, she won’t be interested in listening when I bring it up. So really I don’t have any hope at all.

Sorry, I shouldn't have used 'sniveling'. But you can indeed sign up for counseling, and if you want to save the relationship you should. Obviously if you wait for her to do it, it won't get done.
You're the one who's struggling in the relationship, for valid reasons, so take the bull by the horns and sign you both up. Then you'll know you've done everything you can.

I think you need to go to counselling.

I think you need help to realise that your relationship is 'done'.

It's no-one's fault. I don't think it will change whatever you do. She's opted out.

You need to come to terms with what your future could look like and how best it can end amicably.

Sorry

Crikey - I think most of you are giving this chap a very hard time- he's laid out his life very clearly...pretty sure if it was a reversal and he was the one working from home and did only one household chore and refused to discuss an issue which was pretty important to their relationship going forward he would be roasted...sounds to me like she has a very nice life..he is running around like a looney and she is doing bugger all except the washing..in the words of Mn LTB.

Thanks @beenanddoneit i was only thinking today how some of the comments with roles reversed would cause chaos.
Good job I’m not easily offended lol.

I have thought about leaving before but I bottle it.. the kids, the house and the grief all prevent me going which I know it shouldn’t and that happiness should be the priority in life.

@Ihavekids
I agree.. I should push and book the counselling.

@Nanny0gg Lol. Harsh. I don’t need counselling to realise something is coming towards an end. I suppose I’m trying to hold on.

I think you both owe it to yourselves and your children to try couples therapy/counselling before calling it quits.

Go for it. As a PP said - even if it doesnt solve things, at least you'll know you tried everything.

Counsellors can also help with breaking up amicably if it comes to it.

Agree, just book the counselling, it could be a safe space and then change the game . If not you can go by yourself as they will be a lot better at listening and a lot less judgemental than the average poster on this thread.
Your might be able to get free counselling through your work place if it's a company, or you might have to pay a bit.

@Mrchathappy I don’t think those people giving you a hard time understand how utterly soul destroying it is to have no intimacy or affection from the one person you want it from. Granted, no one should be forced into having sex. But whatever the reason, your wife seems happy with status quo. If you are genuinely sharing the load at home and are affectionate with her outside of sex, make her feel loved etc then I don’t see what else you can do? You have tried to talk to her and raise this and nothing changes. So do you not think it’s time for you to either leave or accept a sexless relationship? Like you say, are you not just basically friends right now?

@Isittheweekendyet22 Yep basically friends. Which she seems happy to plod along doing like it’s what every other couple do.
I’m happy to try counselling. If she is up for it then It’s a start. But if not I don’t think I can stay as much as I’d love to.

@Mrchathappy I think couples do plod along like that but only because they are scared to accept it’s actually over and don’t want the upheaval of splitting up. I guess it’s down to whether you personally can live this this which it sounds like you can’t. I couldn’t either. But I also wouldn’t go to counselling over lack of intimacy. I would accept what is obvious. However, I know that’s easier said than done.

@Wartywart totally get this- I am 60 now and at about 47 I suddenly was really not interested at all- it was like switching a light off. It wasn't just the fact I wasn't interested with my H- I wouldn't be interested if it was George Clooney!! It's hard because most blokes seem to expect you to be interested that way forever. I understand now why you get a lot of split ups in their 50's -

I think there are lot more men in these kind of situations than people realise, I don’t know if the law change to no fault divorce will cause more men to try and exit poor relationships, but I certainly hope it does, more men should LTB and look to start afresh than plod on in the eternal hope that there partner will one day suddenly change