Relationship going downhill

[Mrchathappy]

would love to hear opinions on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for over 10yrs and have two great children together.

The physical part of our relationship was always pretty good. As time has gone by it got less and less. I totally appreciate that it happens when you have kids, but to a point of it becoming more of a yearly event that monthly or weekly.

I’ve tried to sit and talk to her about my feelings and she knows that the situation isn’t great but within a week she acts like we never spoke of anything and things go back to how they were.

I always felt pushed away and really resentful sometimes that I was the one trying and it was never reciprocated. I’m the one who always tells her I love her, who always makes an effort for meals out or runs a bath for her with wine and candles.

I’m the one on the school runs because of her work times and always helping out around the house from cleaning to cooking. So it’s not like I don’t pull my weight.

I sometimes feel I’m here in a friendship context rather than relationship these days.

I spoke to her more recently (which she really doesn’t like when it’s about this kinda stuff) and questioned what was going on and told her that I love her and that I still fancy her a lot. The response was that she again knew she was always making excuses and pushing me away but not sure why. She said that it isn’t something that ever crosses her mind, and even said that there isn’t a part of me that makes her want me or that gives her any urges anymore. (Talk about kick me when I’m down)

I’m not an ugly bloke (not blowing my own trumpet) and I’m athletically built. Again
i’m self conscious so part of me worries that something about me is putting her off!

she claims she’d be like it with anyone not just me. Which I believe.

I now understand why I’m always pushed away and feel awful at times.

I can’t help but feel I’m in a one sided relationship. She says she loves me but that could be the fact we’ve been together so long and have kids.

To say I feel trapped sounds wrong. Then again I want to be here for the kids and for her of course, but I want someone who really wants me in every sense and to feel loved.

How old are your children OP? It’s very normal for women to go off sex when they have young children, it’s nature’s contraception, so I wonder if it could be that?

Also, do you still make the effort to romance her, make her feel desired without it being just because you want sex, but because you love her and want to spend time with her? I think that often gets forgotten before the sex goes, so maybe that could be it?

Children are 7 and 6.
Again I totally get that it maybe the kids that prevents anything happening. But she’ll use them as an excuse not to do anything. Or when we do have time alone as kids are with grandparents she claims she’s tired.

yes it a genuine post. I do a lot but I don’t mind that I do. That’s not the issue. The mention of me doing housework was because others mentioned it’s because she did everything which isn’t the case.

I wouldn’t want the chop either!

Also “no” is the answer her ever Approaching me about sorting the problems out. She is aware of the issue but as I’ve said before, she carries on as normal until I mention it and then she said she doesn’t know what to do about it and why she feels this way. She said it’s not me and that she would see a councillor but im
not sure if that’s just talk to keep me happy. I just can’t see how seeing someone will make her change the way she feels.. surely it would make her understand more but not make her want me anymore.

It's not the chop it's the snip! And it's much less invasive than childbirth. Honestly so many women I know feel so much better after coming off contraception, and the mini pill, which is taken continuously made so many of my friends crazy and low libido. It's a ten minute procedure that could make a huge difference.

@Schools2023 lol I knows it’s not chopping parts off.
I really appreciate that if she came off the pill she’d feel better and I’ve mentioned that to her. And she said she didn’t want a period so that’s the reason she wanted to stay on them.

Sounds like she's gone off you, a little bit more tension in the relationship could spark things off again. Pull back, tell her you're considering whether your relationship is the best thing for both of your future growth and wellbeing. That maybe you would both be happier as co parents rather than partners. Watch Esther Perel's 'Mating in Captivity' she really does sum a lot of these issues up well. Create some space and distance between you. It would be good for both of you to overcome this, one way or another.

Get a grip it’s no wonder blokes don’t ask for advice with people like you around

What is sex like when you do it? Do you focus on her or yourself? Does she always enjoy it? I wouldn't want to have sex if there was nothing in it for me IYSWIM.

Why's that @Catlover1970 (I don't have any advice for reigniting the spark when your cat's gone off in the same way, don't worry)

That's tricky, because if you've discussed it like this and she isn't willing to try that to potentially improve&/save your relationship/sex life then perhaps she is using it as an excuse? Unless she doesn't realise quite how unhappy you really are?
It's so tricky as I have been in a simialr position to you (though i am the female) and talking about lack of sex etc can only increases the pressure around it and the more talk can feel like it can have the opposite effect than intended...
Perhaps you should back off a bit, leave the ball in her court for a while, give her some space?

Id second the advice about Esther Perels 'mating in captivity', the book is great. Her idea is that love is fostered with close intimacy while eroticism has distance. The example she gives is if a couple go out and get to see one another at a distance interacting with others. It gives you a new view. Maybe have a read of it?

I know myself I find it easy to take a partner for granted if he does everything, I prefer a little more independence in him and myself....well more to the point I respond to it better, it captures my interest and respect and also stops me feeling suffocated.

I do think it’s partly being taken for granted. I do think that she thinks that whatever she does I’ll always be here.
Yes @Yamyam13 it is so difficult to bring up these conversations because she rolls her eyes as soon as I try to talk about it because she knows what I’m going to say. Which in turn probably causes more issues.

we do go out and we do mix with other groups and then head home, so do see each other from a distance interacting with others.. I still look across at her but know she wouldn’t at me.
Once home she gets ready for bed and Turns away from me in bed (her back facing me) and off she goes to sleep..

She has Hobbies which I’m super happy that she has..I have mine too.. so we have our breaks from one another.. but never apart for more than half a day.

I’ve backed off before.. if anything it was to see if she engaged with me..
this is how we went without sex for over a year.

when we have sex she claims she enjoys it. I’m a giver and would be more than happy if she was engaged in it and she was fulfilled and not me. But I don’t have the opportunity anymore to get that close.

It sounds like this has been going on for long enough, and you have tried what ypu can do alone, sp it may to lay your cards on the table and be clear that you just aren't happy to continue a relationship without intimacy. Tell her you love her, still desire her and don't want to split, but you can't continue like this.
And leave the ball in her court. Reinterate that you're there to support her if she needs help - be it libido wise, or therapy wise, and you are happy to work on yourself too if that's needed. That it's not just about her, but you both need to work on this and do something about it together, if she still wants to stay together.

How dare she expect you to pull your weight. Honest to god, get a grip. Why is ok to expect her to do housework but not the other way round? You have just said she works and then said all other men don't do the domestic stuff you do. You think you deserve a medal for having a penis and doing anything domestic. Get it out if your head that you doing something unique and special.

You do not come home and mow the lawn every day. It doesn't matter if she works from home she's still working.

I can guarantee it's your attitude and the fact that everything you do is with the expectation of something in return. Even running her a bath.

A lot of people on here jumping at the opportunity to tell OP he's an entitled male etc. and this is the problem.
Whilst I'm not ruling that out, and I think the OP could have worded it better, it seems to me that the OP was just trying to point out that the balance of homelife load is very much shared & equal and he therefore doesn't think that is the issue, as he clearly recognises that it often IS.
I think some PPs are jumping down his throat.
Eg. When he said he runs her a bath, I think he was just giving an example of how he continues to be caring and thoughtful in their relationship rather than "i run her a bath, where's my sex?" as many PP's have taken it.

always felt pushed away and really resentful sometimes that I was the one trying and it was never reciprocated. I’m the one who always tells her I love her, who always makes an effort for meals out or runs a bath for her with wine and candles.

If she knows (and she probably does) that you're doing this in the hope of a shag, I think it'd just be annoying.

Agreed if that is OP's motivation for doing those things - but it's possible that OP does those things just because he is being thoughtful and caring and he perhaps was mentioning them as examples of the fact that he feels he shows her lots of love and care and doesn't feel that's reciprocated, not necessarily meaning intimacy.

That's tricky, because if you've discussed it like this and she isn't willing to try that to potentially improve&/save your relationship/sex life then perhaps she is using it as an excuse? Unless she doesn't realise quite how unhappy you really are?

@Yamyam13 If it's for health/wellbeing reasons that she's on them then she shouldn't make her life worse by coming off. I had a bloke persuade me to come off antidepressants in the hope of it improving my libido (which honestly, my libido was an issue for him, not me.) I came off them at his insistence/encouragement and became suicidal. If anything he got less sex.

Women shouldn't have to prioritize men getting a shag over their own physical or mental comfort.

Absolutely @OldFan
If it's integral to her well being then she shouldn't change it or stop it for this reason.
But from what OP has said, she says she "doesnt want periods"
OP - do her periods & cycle affect her well being a lot? (they 100% can do for many)
Or is it purely a convenience?

What I meant by disappointing was that it sounds like she isn't willing to even consider trying to get to the bottom of her lack of interest in him/sex, whether that is looking into other forms of birth control, or into her diet, stress etc.
Which is upsetting for OP, as it would seem she doesn't feel it's important enough when OP has made it clear it's making him unhappy. Surely a huge part of a relationship is about caring for each other & wanting your partner to feel happy & loved?
It seems like she is dismissing OPs feelings, either because she is sinply checked out & fallen out of love, unhappy, depressed or maybe it as simple as libido affected by the birth control, which if it is the case, if birth control is not essential to her well being, one would hope she may be willing to try adjusting?

OP, you say she doesn't want to come off the pill because she doesn't want periods. the pill doesn't stop you getting them unless you are taking the combined pill continuously, without a break. Which is not a good idea. Its hormonal contraception.

It could well be this which is causing her low libido. I say this only because I was the same a good few years back, in my twenties. before having kids even. I just never really 'felt like it'. It came to feel like a chore, as I was constantly tired. I eventually stopped the pill following a bloody clot, and within a few months I felt like a different person. And it suddenly dawned on me, that it must have been the pill.

You say you 'don't want the chop'. But why not? Do you both want more dc?

Because if not, I'd say you need to consider this as the hormonal contraception could be really messing with your wife's health. If this is the case, you need to take the responsibility of contraception here.

I never went back on the pill because of the blood clot risk from it, and when no more dc were wanted, my DP got 'the chop' as you put it. It was basically painless, he had one day off work(and it IS reversible btw), and our sex life is amazing because theres no hormones fucking it up, and total peace of mind of not getting pregnant again.

the pill doesn't stop you getting them unless you are taking the combined pill continuously, without a break.

More evidence came out a few years ago that having a break is not necessary with any kind of contraceptive pill. I've only ever been on the combined one when I used to be on the pill. They don't tend to tell people to have a break from it, as there's no need, and I imagine it makes it less effective.

I was similar in my 20's @Bookworm20
I was very anxious and completely disinterested in sex, rarely felt like it. I came off the pill and it made a huge difference. Haven't been on it since. Late 30's now, and 1 DC.

The progesterone only pill stops your period and is taken continuously.

@xyzabchij wow.. maybe I didn’t word things right or maybe you’ve taken your own creative interpretation of it.
sorry I don’t mow the lawn everyday. Maybe that got you wound up.

@Yamyam13 is correct.. I’m setting the scene after previous posts made out I don’t do anything around the house and that’s why she is like she is..
I posted things I do. Not because I’m special, but because I do my fair share. Also no! I’m not looking for a medal/praise or trying to claim tokens that I think I can use later on for bedroom activities!

I can see why men don’t post too much on here. “Get a grip” or “man up” being the best ones some women post. Some men genuinely care! Some want to talk about stuff and have advice.

Thing is we have spoken about another child so the snip was never a thing I’d thought about.
I’d consider it but genuinely think she’s happy on her pill as I’ve spoken several times to her to speak to the doctor incase it was the type of pill she was on.

I do think that maybe it’s a combination of things including going off me or thinking that she doesn’t have to try to make a pass at me as she knows I’d be game whenever she wanted it.

No you made yourself pretty clear. You think most men don't do as much as you do. Those were your words.