Want to BE married but don't want to GET married

[constantavoider]

I've been engaged to DP for a few years now. Initially he agreed to a kind of overseas elopement but after Covid, plans have changed. We've agreed on a package honeymoon somewhere where you can't legally marry but now we're left with marrying here.

DP was on board with it but now is talking about having his father and step mother attend. Then yesterday mentioned his grandmothers. Now he's suggested having the ceremony in the small side chapel of his home church (a few hours away) because he doesn't like registry offices. Neither of us are religious but our families are Catholic and CoE. Suddenly the thought of getting married is feeling like an ordeal to get through. The biggest hurdle is that I find wedding ceremonies cringe worthy, even more so when it's a tiny wedding. I could do it with him but really really don't want an audience. If I could, we'd put on some nice clothes and be done with it in 5 minutes before going off to enjoy the first day of being married. No walk down the aisle, no readings, no music, just the quick mandatory vows and signing a piece of paper.

My family live in Ireland but I really don't want them there. It's because I hate wedding ceremonies, I do love my family. Both sets of parents were supportive of the overseas plans but this changes things and mine would be heartbroken if his family were there and they were left out, though they'd never say it to me. I'm normally the one who organises things but I'm struggling to find a shred of motivation to plan anything.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this post, maybe reassurance that I'm not the only woman to hate wedding ceremonies or just a sharp reminder to suck it up and I can't always get my own way. Has anyone else struggled with this?

Find another package honeymoon where you can legally marry?

I felt exactly the same as you. I wanted to be married but not get married.
I don't like weddings in general and hate being the centre of attention.
We were quite lucky that we got married when there were rules about how many we could have there.
We ended up with our parents, our children and our siblings in a register office, the one we chose wasn't nearest but had beautiful grounds.
We also didn't do a present list or anything. All we asked was that everyone wore casual clothes, we wore jeans.
Then after everyone came back to our house where we did a party tea. Kids party with jelly & ice cream etc! Our parents took the kids and we went to a lovely hotel in London.

I was dreading it to start, it ended up being perfect!

I'm exactly the same, I wish there was some way we could just submit forms online and get the legal bit done. I don't want an audience and wouldn't just elope because I know family would be gutted and I CBA with that. We are now entering the 20th year of engagement instead 🙈

Do you know anywhere like that? The countries I looked at (US and New Zealand) where it's a legal wedding are more the sorts of places where you pay for a wedding package, then pay for hotels, car hire, entertainment etc separately. Our original itinerary involved 35 separate bookings and with Covid still an issue and impending recession it feels like a house of cards that could come falling down.

An all-inclusive in the pacific for the holiday is just one booking so easier to get money back. Just not a possibility for a legally recognised marriage.

Submitting forms online would be my perfect wedding!

I can relate. DH and I are both from big families (and massive extended families). We're both introverts, and neither of us ever wanted a big wedding.

Eventually, when we were old enough not to give in to emotional blackmail, we agreed that we'd invite only our parents. Any attempts to twist our arms into doing something bigger were rebuffed with a reminder that it was this or we would elope.

We had a great day.

We were like this so went to Vegas. 5 nights holiday, we stayed on the strip and had a fantastic time. First night we nipped to get our marriage license which was super quick, the next day we got hitched in the Little Chapel of Flowers.

All booked online before we went out there, the whole wedding including the bouquet, photographer, witnesses and car from hotel to chapel was booked using drop down options and took about 20 minutes to arrange.

Gretna Green Blacksmith Wedding?

When we got married it was before you could have the legal ceremony in the Blacksmith's Shop. So we had the legal ceremony in the Registry office & then had an "Anvil Wedding" afterwards. It was lovely. Just us & 2 witnesses.

To add that was 16 yrs ago. We've been together 22 years, married 16 so wasn't a flash in the pan or a sign that the marriage wasn't real. We just had no desire for a wedding, we wanted a marriage.

This would have been my perfect wedding too. As it was, Dh and I had one friend each at the registry office. It was over in minutes then we went for lunch. Can you really not persuade him to do this?
Once you start inviting parents then grandparents then a favourite auntie or cousin it quickly spirals out of control and you’ve got loads of people coming or offended at not being invited.

I was like this, just didn’t want to be the centre of attention.

My husband at first assumed we would have a church wedding. I managed to talk him down from this and the eventual compromise? Was a registry office and a BIG party at his parents house.

And you know what, it really was a lovely day. I thought I would be so embarrassed being the bride with all that fuss, but people are genuinely so happy for you, and so lovely that in the end I didn’t mind at all.

Oh I'd like this too. We've been together 15 years, we've a mortgage and two children. I'd like to be married, not because it'd actually change anything day to day but because of the legal bumpf/protection/next of kin stuff and also having the same name as my children (although I could deed poll that I guess). We're covered by wills/life insurances, all money is joint etc etc already, but still.

Don't want a wedding though. My idea of hell! I keep trying to get DH to agree to bugger off to Vegas for a long weekend to do it but he's worried about upsetting his mother.

Please, people in charge. Let us do it online!!

Its crazy really that you can't do that, just like any other legal transaction or agreement.
Drawing up a will, divorce, buying a house...
Why do you actually need to recite words in front of a registrar?
Even if you had to be present in person, why not make an appointment with a registrar in their office and sit with them like registering a birth.

All you need is a licence, two witnesses and a registrar, OP. That’s what DH and I did, 40 years ago. I went back to work the next day, we stuck the licence in the back of a drawer and pretended it never happened!
You just need to get your future DH on board with the plan.

I had a small wedding in church, no music. It took 6 minutes.

Google 'elopement + place name'.

E.g I searched elopement Lake District and it brought up:

www.lakesidehotel.co.uk/celebrations/weddings/just-the-two-of-us/

No I'm not advertising on their behalf, it could be crap for all I know, but it looks like the sort of thing you might prefer - a low key ceremony just for 2 plus accommodation and they even provide witnesses.

We went for the much cheaper option and did registry office with 2 witnesses. I know your partner says he doesn't like registry offices but we were surprised by how lovely our local one is - stained glass windows and wood panelled walls. The staff were so nice, even though we went 'no frills' (no readings, music, etc) they still made us feel really special.

Has he actually spoken to his mother?. He has not has he?.

My sister beat me to the Vegas wedding. I'm more of an outdoorsy person anyway and if I'm not scuba diving, then I want to be on the road exploring.

I just can't bring myself to have a ceremony around people I know. My DP knows I love him but I'm not a gushy person. I don't even like watching other people get married (but I'd never tell them, of course!). With my family having to fork out for flights and hotels I'd feel like I have to do something a bit more than a quick 5 minute ceremony and with that, comes the cringey stuff that makes me want to run a mile.

Since this is an anonymous forum I'll also admit.. I hate the idea of spending time and money on a day I'll be dreading.

The struggle is that I don't want to force DP into something he doesn't want either.

If you mean DP, no, she passed away when he was 20.

I could have written this myself OP!
The thought of standing up in front of anyone, even just two witnesses we know, fills me with dread. My mum knows I'd rather elope, and has said that whilst she'd be upset, she understands. DP doesn't want to let his parents down and he knows they'll be upset if they weren't there. I couldn't care less if they are upset, as far as I'm concerned they've had their wedding day. Like PPs have said, I don't see why it can't be the same as registering a birth, or even just filling out an online form.

An underwater scuba diving wedding in the Maldives?

Just go to the registry office and do the paperwork. Send out a nice card to people telling them after the event. Job done.

The Maldives is where we want to go for the honeymoon. Sadly there's no way to have a legal marriage there, it's just a symbolic ceremony.

My comment re his mother was for the poster called oddoneoutalways. I should have made that clear by adding that poster's name.

My wedding ceremony abroad consisted of two witnesses, one non denominational minister to conduct the ceremony. The ceremony lasted 20 minutes. We wanted marriage and not a potentially overblown wedding ceremony at a church (neither of us are particularly religious).

Online wedding ceremonies can be performed in some parts of the world but can be complex legally. There is no legal process in the UK to do an online wedding ceremony.

Apparently in a civil partnership you just sign the papers, you don't need to say any vows. Can't be done online though!