Want to BE married but don't want to GET married

[constantavoider]

I've been engaged to DP for a few years now. Initially he agreed to a kind of overseas elopement but after Covid, plans have changed. We've agreed on a package honeymoon somewhere where you can't legally marry but now we're left with marrying here.

DP was on board with it but now is talking about having his father and step mother attend. Then yesterday mentioned his grandmothers. Now he's suggested having the ceremony in the small side chapel of his home church (a few hours away) because he doesn't like registry offices. Neither of us are religious but our families are Catholic and CoE. Suddenly the thought of getting married is feeling like an ordeal to get through. The biggest hurdle is that I find wedding ceremonies cringe worthy, even more so when it's a tiny wedding. I could do it with him but really really don't want an audience. If I could, we'd put on some nice clothes and be done with it in 5 minutes before going off to enjoy the first day of being married. No walk down the aisle, no readings, no music, just the quick mandatory vows and signing a piece of paper.

My family live in Ireland but I really don't want them there. It's because I hate wedding ceremonies, I do love my family. Both sets of parents were supportive of the overseas plans but this changes things and mine would be heartbroken if his family were there and they were left out, though they'd never say it to me. I'm normally the one who organises things but I'm struggling to find a shred of motivation to plan anything.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this post, maybe reassurance that I'm not the only woman to hate wedding ceremonies or just a sharp reminder to suck it up and I can't always get my own way. Has anyone else struggled with this?

I'm the same so insisted on a registry office wedding, just is and witnesses. I'm so pleased my husband agreed. Can you talk your husband round to the original plan?

I said this the other day! Submitting forms online would be perfect! You can do everything else online, why not marriage? I've been engaged for 11 years and counting 😂

You can get married in Western Australia anywhere you like - vineyard, beach, back yard - it’s a 17hr direct flight from uk

Went to Cyprus and saw all manner of weddings ie big/small family affairs, party wedding with lots of gorgeous young things all wearing white with a DJ. Saw a bride and groom having dinner on their own by the sea in front of one of the beachfront hotels in full wedding outfits obviously no wedding party. I don’t know the legalities of marriage there but it was very popular and you can tailor pretty much to whatever suits you.

We got married in Italy. Everything booked with Kuoni, flights, hotel, transfers and the wedding itself. We did have 6 guests but could have had none.

I am like this too! Been engaged 11 years, can't be arsed to plan it, spend money or be the centre of attention. I also have a big family and would be so difficult to have certain people and not others. So for now we remain unmarried and unbothered by it.

Gretna Green would be good. I'm sure they supply witnesses too and other people will be getting married in big white dresses on the same day so you won't be the centre of attention!

Then you could maybe have a family meal to celebrate but without speeches? If the families would have liked to say something on the day, maybe they could write it and you could have it printed and framed so they are still involved in marking the occasion?

I was in a similar situation (I would have preferred just me, him and two witnesses at the registry office on a rainy Tuesday in January etc). I acquiesced and it nearly broke me to be honest. Good six months recovery with antidepressants before I felt human. We’re all different of course, but my advice is to stand your ground.

He has spoken to her yes. She's always said a token 'I'd understand, you must do whatever you want to do' followed up by a Daily Mail SadFace and later pointed comments about how she'll never see either of her children marry (her daughter is very anti-marriage and having children in general, no idea why but her choice) how nice her friends sons wedding was and what a lovely time her friend had being mother of the groom 'oh how wonderful, she's so lucky!!'.

Never mind that we've given her the grandchildren that she's always wanted (and won't be getting from her daughter either!), hey.

So technically we have her blessing, but not really. She's a bit of an emotional blackmailer really. I see straight through it and roll my eyes but DH is softer and more easily guilted than me.

31 years ago we got married in a registry office at 9:30am, with two (off the street) witnesses, and then went straight to Paris for a honeymoon. We told people afterwards. They were mostly fine (and a couple who were slightly miffed got over it).

Do that!

New York. So quick, licence one day, go back and marry the next day. Do some fun city stuff, then drive up the coast and go to the beautiful national parks and dine on lobster rolls. No need to book anything in advance.

Look up outdoor wedding venues in the UK - there’s more choice than you think!

The problem isn't the venue (though I'd rather not step foot in a church, given the awful controversies from the Catholic Church in particular). It's the fact that being in the UK suddenly means DH feels compelled to invite family.

I do appreciate all of the suggestions but a European wedding isn't for me. We could go to Europe any time. I was hoping to celebrate with an epic once in a blue moon type holiday. I've lived in New Zealand and the US and could plan epic road trips but after the last two years I'd feel safer with an ATOL protected all/inclusive hence the Maldives.

@cowskeepingmeupatnight That's kind of my fear. That a "joyous" occasion will keep me up at night for weeks because I'm dreading it. I really resent all of the familial obligations that come with a wedding. Our family got married their way, I don't understand why we should feel compelled to put on a show.

Was this all discussed with a travel agent or was this purely an online booking?
But as you now know, only Maldivian citizens can actually marry legally in the Maldives.

How does your man feel about not actually being able to marry you in the Maldives?. Was he aware of this issue?.

I got married abroad at a court with just my husband, really didn't want a wedding.

But he was in total agreement.

In your situation I would go along with church thing and have your parents and his parents only. It'll be over before you know it.

If you invite anyone other than your parents then you've opened a can of worms. But just parents, who can argue.

We were both aware of it when we agreed on a honeymoon in the Maldives instead of an elopement elsewhere. That's why we need to get married here. The bit I wasn't anticipating was his sudden desire to start inviting family members to come and bear witness to the cringeworthy process of getting married.

Singapore (then up to Malaysia/Thailand) or Zanzibar with a safari afterwards?

Some friends went to Bali. Just the two of them. Amazing wedding photos. Family understood.

I married in a registry office with no frills and even found that a bit embarrassing so I know where you’re coming from.
However. Could you not just do that (Monday morning is cheapest), head straight to the airport for the Maldives or wherever, and then when you get back have the planned families get together? Because it’s really about them meeting each other and celebrating, and there will be sooo much less pressure if you don’t have to think about timings, photographs, clothes, or anything except organising a lovely dinner/ party.

You could always get a blessing in this chapel at a later date if it is really important to your DP.