Want to BE married but don't want to GET married

[constantavoider]

I've been engaged to DP for a few years now. Initially he agreed to a kind of overseas elopement but after Covid, plans have changed. We've agreed on a package honeymoon somewhere where you can't legally marry but now we're left with marrying here.

DP was on board with it but now is talking about having his father and step mother attend. Then yesterday mentioned his grandmothers. Now he's suggested having the ceremony in the small side chapel of his home church (a few hours away) because he doesn't like registry offices. Neither of us are religious but our families are Catholic and CoE. Suddenly the thought of getting married is feeling like an ordeal to get through. The biggest hurdle is that I find wedding ceremonies cringe worthy, even more so when it's a tiny wedding. I could do it with him but really really don't want an audience. If I could, we'd put on some nice clothes and be done with it in 5 minutes before going off to enjoy the first day of being married. No walk down the aisle, no readings, no music, just the quick mandatory vows and signing a piece of paper.

My family live in Ireland but I really don't want them there. It's because I hate wedding ceremonies, I do love my family. Both sets of parents were supportive of the overseas plans but this changes things and mine would be heartbroken if his family were there and they were left out, though they'd never say it to me. I'm normally the one who organises things but I'm struggling to find a shred of motivation to plan anything.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this post, maybe reassurance that I'm not the only woman to hate wedding ceremonies or just a sharp reminder to suck it up and I can't always get my own way. Has anyone else struggled with this?

"The thought of standing up in front of anyone, even just two witnesses we know, fills me with dread".

Feel the fear and do it anyway. In my case I did not want a lot of fuss or attention and going abroad to be married legally (weddings abroad were just starting to get going then) was the best way of getting around a wedding ceremony here. And we did not need to register anything upon our return to the UK. In the mid 90s your choice of venue anyway was pretty much limited to a church or the council's registry office.

The two witnesses at our wedding ceremony were not known to us prior to the ceremony.

Mauritius?

I haven’t looked at the detail of these www.tropicalsky.co.uk/weddings/indian-ocean/mauritius

I also didn't want a big wedding. I love other people's weddings but hated the idea of having all that attention on me. I also get really emotional at weddings (I'm a big crier!) and knew I would likely struggle with my own if there were lots of people watching. I also wanted to do it really quickly after we got engaged as I just wanted to get on with our married lives (the marriage was what was most important to me). Thankfully my (now) husband on board with whatever I wanted.

I googled 'easy places to get married abroad' and a list of places where it is relatively simple of get married legally came up. We picked one that worked with dates and flights from our local airport and basically did it on a long weekend break (we had our dream honeymoon at a different location a short time later). It was absolutely amazing, just perfect (for us).

Thankfully our parents were all ok with it when then found out afterwards, but I did have a few friends who were really upset which surprised me a bit. It was absolutely the right thing for us though and I don't regret it one bit.

You just need to do what's right for you and don't get pressured into doing something you don't want to. The thing I would say though is that you and your husband-to-be need to both be on board with it though so I think you need to both be really open and honest with each other about what you want and where your red lines are. I hope you manage to find an option that works for you both.

vegas and get married then go to hawaii

I'm feeling quite reassured by the number of posters who feel the same. Thank you all. I love my DP but it's been hard to articulate my feelings to him for fear of disappointing him or pushing him into something he doesn't want either.

I should have mentioned that when we first talked about switching to a package holiday I just assumed we'd do a quick registry office ceremony here and get a couple of random people to witness it. I also assumed we'd spend the bare minimum. I jumped straight into holiday planning and it was only after sorting that, that he's said he'd have to invite his father and then escalated from there.

I should also have said that my Dad has had some serious health issues over the last year which adds to the feeling of guilt- about leaving my parents out and also about expecting them to travel. My dad hasn't been able to work or even drive for nearly a year. He's only in his 50s and nowhere near retirement age so it's been a struggle. He'd secretly love to walk me down the aisle but would accept it if a wedding didn't happen.

Maybe the compromise is to suck it up but get married in Ireland, after a stiff drink. If anyone knows of somewhere in Cork that does non-Catholic weddings, I'd be open to suggestions.

You're not alone.

I wanted to elope.

DH really wanted the big family wedding though so in the end I compromised and did it for him (getting married was more important to me than how we did it iyswim). It wasn't the favourite day of my life, but it was just one day. The only thing that irritates me is that my family still refuse to believe I would have been happier not to and that DH wasn't dragged into a big wedding by me because all women love weddings and all men hate them, dontcha know?

Ugh.

I have a different angle on this which may or may not be relevant.

For various reasons, I agreed to a wedding with no guests at all. My preference would have been for some guests including immediate family but the reasons were compelling. My DH’s family didn’t mind but my immediate family were hurt by this step. I had always intended to do something bigger and more celebratory but my mum was unexpectedly diagnosed with a very debilitating terminal disease not long after this and died about 18 mths later. My DH is actually very good with my family so I don’t hold this against him but I do regret it.

So whatever you plan, do make sure that it works for those dearest to you whether it means inviting everyone or inviting no-one.

I can relate! I can't face the time, expense and diplomacy needed to project manage a wedding. The thought of all the admin involved sucks any romance out of the idea for me 😄

Same here, I hate the thought of being centre of attention and vows etc. So me and DP are having a civil partnership next month, us and 2 witnesses. We're having a party afterwards at a friend's house which will be a get together for family and friends but without the pressure of a ceremony.

Pretty sure you can get married in Denmark, Gibraltar (and Cyprus?) very very easily, ie with no big residency requirements. Gibraltar is just one night, iirc.

I feel the exact same. I'd love to be married, but I don't want a show, I don't want the attention, I don't want everyone staring at me.

My DP wants the whole shabang, big wedding, 100s of people all dressed up.
We're not yet engaged so not a pressing issue, but it is something I think about and wonder if we'll ever come to a compromise.

Perhaps I'll suggest a trip to Vegas one year, and ply him alcohol and get him to the little white Chapel 😁🤣
However I can see me being the one to bend first.

We got married last year with just two witnesses, two strangers from a pub! It was perfect!

We eloped for this very reason. Fortunately we both felt the same. May not help if it'd just one of you that wants this though. We went to Edinburgh, got married and then had a few days in the city. For us, it was perfect

We went to to the Register Office with 2 witnesses. Very short cermony and then went to lunch. Perfect.

Dh and I hate being the centre of attention and we got married during lockdown. We had his mum and a really good friend there. We would never have put a bigger wedding high on our list of priorities as we hate everyone looking at us and we also never have had the money.
We just went to the registry office and then had some food delivered because we weren't allowed parties, perfect for us

"I love my DP but it's been hard to articulate my feelings to him for fear of disappointing him or pushing him into something he doesn't want either".

I would urge you to articulate your feelings to him, he has to know. If you cannot talk to him about this fundamental matter then you are selling yourself short by your own hand. Your feelings absolutely matter here!!!.

Its also not a honeymoon anyway if you cannot marry at this destination so it needs to be changed.

Stick to your guns OP. Ask one friend each to witness. There's no reason to do this if you don't want to. We had our own wedding ceremony before our party but the legal ceremony was in a city hundreds of miles away and only DBIL and his (now-ex) wife were there as witnesses because they happened to be in that city at the time. I wouldn't have wanted to do the legal ceremony in front of more people; it made me feel very self-conscious. Going over to Ireland for the wedding will snowball into something way bigger than you want, and I agree having only DP's family there isn't really fair.

it was only after sorting that, that he's said he'd have to invite his father and then escalated from there

He absolutely doesn't have to invite his father if your family can't be there. Registry office by far the most sensible way to go - the two of you are really celebrating with the honeymoon trip, the RO wedding is just admin really.

I would have liked a church wedding but my Husband didn’t want that as he isn’t religious. Eventually we booked a converted barn in the Cotswolds and got married in the registry office nearby with 12 guests. The registry office was actually quite nice, no lengthy vows just the ‘I do’s’ and some lovely music. No fancy cars, no flowers not even a photographer and then back to the barn for sandwiches and cake with everyone just really relaxed and sitting outside chatting. It was lovely and actually quite a relief that people weren’t looking at me all day and nothing was expected of me. Only downside was that I still have friends and family that have never forgiven me for doing it all in secret and not inviting them but at least we did what we wanted to do on our special day. I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do

I could have written this. We got married last summer thankfully during the restrictions. The compromise we came to was a weekend away with the family. The wedding itself was in the local registry office with just us two and both sets of parents. Siblings had to wait outside. It really wasn't long. At all. But thats the legal bit that had to be done. We consider our wedding to be the weekend away in this beautiful lakeside retreat, large green area, family BBQ, pingpong tournaments, outdoorsy garden games etc. Good food, good drinks, good company in the sunshine.

Its also not a honeymoon anyway if you cannot marry at this destination so it needs to be changed

Most people don't get married at their honeymoon destination?

Sorry premature send, but could you do something similar? Just get the cringe legal bits done then spend the weekend with families who you imply you get on with? Being married is lovely and I'm glad we did it this way. We probably also saved a fortune and can buy a nice house, go on a nice honeymoon/holiday etc.

"Maybe the compromise is to suck it up but get married in Ireland, after a stiff drink".

That's no compromise; that is just giving in and you could well hate your own self for not sticking to your wish to have the wedding ceremony you actually want.

I got married in Jamaica, booked with Kuoni, they did absolutely everything. All I had to do was turn up with my dress and pick a colour for the flowers.

I absolutely get you OP! We got married on a Monday morning at the local registry office on just the two of us and two close friends as witnesses. Then went for lunch. That was all. We had been together for at least 10 years, I was heavily pregnant with our second child and and it just felt the right thing to do at time. We didn't keep it a secret as such but didn't overly advertise it. As far as I know no one was upset that they weren't invited to a ceremony or 'do'.

This was nearly 20 years ago and I have absolutely no regrets we didn't have a bigger wedding.

Good luck to you OP - do what you want to do and be happy xx

You could get married in Sark at the registry office there? Apparently there is very good diving around the island.