It’s an online dating one, please help!

Namechangedforthis12456 · 2022-07-23T00:27:15+00:00

It’s late and I don’t know if I’m justified in feeling this way… so I would like some advice to work out whether this is a dealbreaker. Online dating, matched with a guy at the beginning of the month who I really hit it off with. We’ve been on two dates. The first lasting ten hours. I know people will disagree with this but I was feeling it and slept with him on both dates. He calls everyday and texts. He seems keen but I also know that he is still very active online and may have other dates lined up. I can’t help but feel really uncomfortable with this. I know he’s in his right and it’s only been two dates but I’m a one at a time kind of person. I just feel like I’m in competition with the woman population of tinder and I don’t like that. I text him asking if the us sleeping together situation changes things in him thinking of me as more of a fwb and he replied saying he’s still after a relationship but he’s not in any rush. This just leads me to believe this situation could drag on months and I’m not ok with that.

ShrillSiren22 · 23/07/2022 01:30

This probably sounds harsh but if you’re not ok with sleeping with a man who is telling you that he’s quite possibly still sleeping with other women then why did you sleep with him on the first place? If it is upsetting you after two dates it’s going to make you feel worse and worse each time you sleep with him. You need to either accept the situation as it is or tell him that you want exclusivity and risk him turning you down.

KurriKawari · 23/07/2022 01:31

Agree with above poster.

Original poster

Namechangedforthis12456 · 23/07/2022 01:33

He has made it clear that he’s not sleeping with other woman and he would tell me if that was to change. Been really quite reassuring of it actually.
I also didn’t know when I first slept with him. He was extremely keen and I guess I never thought to ask it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangedforthis12456 · 23/07/2022 01:34

But you are both right. If I had known I probably wouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:

BiscoffSundae · 23/07/2022 01:41

I think the fact you’ve slept with him so soon you can’t expect much more really just because you slept with him doesn’t mean he isn’t still going to get to know other women as you are not exclusive and can’t really expect it after 2 dates he’s obviously keeping his options open which is fine he has been honest

Undecidedandtorn · 23/07/2022 01:48

How would you feel about asking him about being exclusive?

AlrightyThen32 · 23/07/2022 01:51

You can't know for sure or trust that he isn't sleeping with other women at such an early stage. Sorry to piss on your chips but you've been on 2 dates and guys will say anything to keep you sweet, especially at the beginning.
My stategy would be to act a bit less keen and see what he does and if I was you I'd keep your options open to other potential dates. If he really likes you he will put the effort in and want you to be exclusive but I'd say it's a bit early for that.

ouch321 · 23/07/2022 01:52

There's been a nasty shift in the past handful of years when people just date loads of people all at the same time, all part of the same trend of treating other people as disposable. No basic respect anymore. It's scummy behaviour but if people accept it, it becomes the norm.

There's no way I'd have continued seeing him once he admitted that and I think you've made it worse by sleeping with him the first time you met him.

So what you say you want and your actions are basically opposed so...

ANewNameANewDay · 23/07/2022 01:53

I think you're putting a lot of trust and expectation into someone who doesn't really owe you anything. There's absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with him on the first date but you can't expect him to suddenly start acting single. How can you trust that he actually would tell you if he was sleeping with someone else anyway?

ChiTorpedo · 23/07/2022 01:53

It's a mismatch of expectations I think. OLD is fun for casual dates and sex but all my serious relationships started from somewhere else as I'm not a fan of how 'gamified' OLD is. Sure, some people have great successes with finding a relationship from it, but it's not for everyone.

ANewNameANewDay · 23/07/2022 01:54

Sorry, I meant to say stop acting single ^

Original poster

Namechangedforthis12456 · 23/07/2022 02:00

I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him for exclusivity after two dates. I don’t really know how I feel about him yet beyond I’d like to see him again and get to know him better. My issue is feeling like I’m on a conveyer belt. I also will not sleep with him if he starts sleeping with someone else and yes I understand I can’t trust him to actually tell me if it came down to it.

He is keen I think. He replies immediately, has phoned four times today. Mentioned spending the day together next week. My problem is that I’m always going to be wondering if today is the day he goes on a date with someone he likes better.

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AlrightyThen32 · 23/07/2022 02:08

@Namechangedforthis12456 I don't mean to sound harsh I promise I'm trying to help. You just need to calm down a bit as it's only been 2 dates. You're investing too much in this one guy and he will feel that from you in your interactions which is off putting. Also don't tell him you aren't dating other people even if you aren't! Have faith in yourself and don't worry about him meeting someone else because I'm sure you're a catch and have loads of options.

Original poster

Namechangedforthis12456 · 23/07/2022 02:13

AlrightyThen32 I appreciate your response and I agree with you. I think I made a mistake when I told him I wasn’t talking or dating anyone else.
Its not that I don’t think I’m ‘a catch’ as such and I get matches easily but I can’t keep up with replying to everyone I match with. So I end up focusing on one and then I get too invested. It also doesn’t help that he calls and texts so much that I genuinely don’t think I’d be able to start something meaningful with someone else because there’s not enough hours in the day.

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WokingOrNot · 23/07/2022 02:17

My advice is - 1) come back to OLD. If he's keeping his options open, so should you. You don't have to meet anyone if you're not ready though. 2) Tell him you're ok taking things slow but you don't want to sleep together until you're exclusive.
The second point may scare him off, but if it does, it means he was just looking for something casual.
Good luck!

AlrightyThen32 · 23/07/2022 02:22

I understand what you mean. I really hope it works out for you and he definitely sounds keen so try not to worry. Remember that he's lucky to have you, not the other way round especially in the early stages. If you keep that kind of mindset you can't go far wrong. If he messes up and finds someone else it's his loss. Hopefully it will go well but you have to think of that way to stay sane. Try not to over think just go with the flow x

Original poster

Namechangedforthis12456 · 23/07/2022 02:27

I think I’ve worked out what I need to do for my sanity.

When he next calls I’ll explain that he is probably right about talking to/dating others and that I’ll start doing the same. I think maybe there might be some benefit to not having all your eggs in one basket.

I am also going to say that I am uncomfortable having sex with someone who may be sleeping with other people and I’d rather focus on dates and then restart the sex if we become exclusive.

I have no idea how he’s going to react to this but I have a feeling his reaction will tell me all I need to know.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 23/07/2022 02:42

Dump him. He'll probably know why. You could drop a subtle hint to him first and take it from there if you trust him. But you don't. Good luck

Reddevilish · 23/07/2022 05:59

I would just slow it all down, take time to respond.leave a week between dates.cut out the sex.if he's really keen and after long term he'll make the effort.

Milkandhoneybees · 23/07/2022 07:08

I personally don’t think that you should say that you are also dating other people OR to actually start dating other people.

Why, you ask?

Because it’s very easy to get swept up in what other people do whilst dating, and to mimic it, but in the process of it, you will start to lose yourself and who YOU are - which is your most valuable asset to find the person who you are best matched with and be truly happy, rather than playing a role set by the expectations of others. You need to be yourself - fully.

I fell into that trap and - shocker - had a couple of months of having a crap time with it all. I then got back to ME and what I felt comfortable with, whilst being 100% honest with whoever I spoke to, and I ended up meeting my DH!

So, my advice: tell him exactly what you’ve told MN. Tell him that you would’ve have slept with him if you would have known that he’d continue to be browsing Tinder, and that you focus on one person at a time. If he’s happy to reciprocate, great, but if he isn’t then I’d create a lot of distance and potentially phase him out completely, taking it as a learning curve. You don’t need to be dating other people whilst this is going on - this is not a race, it’s a marathon, and one that requires you to be emotionally tip-top in order to find success.

If you end up phasing him out completely, try to slow it down in future: build trust, get to know if they hold the same values as you, make sure you see evidence of that same value system etc. This is a huge part of long-term compatibility.

Good luck!

TL;DR: honesty is the best policy. Don’t change who you are.

forgotoldusername · 23/07/2022 07:23

I think you should bin this one and go for another one and take it easier, not sleeping with him etc

Honestly you're just going to waste time with this one in my view. Anyway, please do update us

redlip · 23/07/2022 07:33

I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him for exclusivity after two dates.

But you're not wanting him to go on any other dates so you are looking for exclusivity after 2 dates?

Whitehorsegirl · 23/07/2022 07:49

With online dating you can always assume that the person is dating several people at the same time.

Two dates is nothing. You still don't really know the person, their intentions or whether you are truly compatible and could have something long term.

I think you know that if you sleep with a complete stranger straight away it also changes the dynamic. The guy knows you like him and that he can get what he wants from you without too much effort. Harsh maybe, but true.

If you are really looking for a long term committed relationship then take your time to know the person and make sure you are both on the same page.

From the sound of it he has no intention of being exclusive. Move on unless you are happy with a FWB.

aurynne · 23/07/2022 11:54

With all due respect, you've met twice. You're strangers, you know nothing about each other except for the mask you both show when you're with someone you want to impress. The level of emotional involvement you're showing is pathological.

I would recommend you work on yourself and your attachment style before even considering dating in any form.

GoT1904 · 23/07/2022 12:01

Milkandhoneybees · 23/07/2022 07:08

I personally don’t think that you should say that you are also dating other people OR to actually start dating other people.

Why, you ask?

Because it’s very easy to get swept up in what other people do whilst dating, and to mimic it, but in the process of it, you will start to lose yourself and who YOU are - which is your most valuable asset to find the person who you are best matched with and be truly happy, rather than playing a role set by the expectations of others. You need to be yourself - fully.

I fell into that trap and - shocker - had a couple of months of having a crap time with it all. I then got back to ME and what I felt comfortable with, whilst being 100% honest with whoever I spoke to, and I ended up meeting my DH!

So, my advice: tell him exactly what you’ve told MN. Tell him that you would’ve have slept with him if you would have known that he’d continue to be browsing Tinder, and that you focus on one person at a time. If he’s happy to reciprocate, great, but if he isn’t then I’d create a lot of distance and potentially phase him out completely, taking it as a learning curve. You don’t need to be dating other people whilst this is going on - this is not a race, it’s a marathon, and one that requires you to be emotionally tip-top in order to find success.

If you end up phasing him out completely, try to slow it down in future: build trust, get to know if they hold the same values as you, make sure you see evidence of that same value system etc. This is a huge part of long-term compatibility.

Good luck!

TL;DR: honesty is the best policy. Don’t change who you are.

This is perfect.

Let us know what he says, whatever you decide to go with.