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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s an online dating one, please help!

56 replies

Namechangedforthis12456 · 23/07/2022 01:27

It’s late and I don’t know if I’m justified in feeling this way… so I would like some advice to work out whether this is a dealbreaker.

Online dating, matched with a guy at the beginning of the month who I really hit it off with. We’ve been on two dates. The first lasting ten hours. I know people will disagree with this but I was feeling it and slept with him on both dates. He calls everyday and texts. He seems keen but I also know that he is still very active online and may have other dates lined up.

I can’t help but feel really uncomfortable with this. I know he’s in his right and it’s only been two dates but I’m a one at a time kind of person. I just feel like I’m in competition with the woman population of tinder and I don’t like that.

I text him asking if the us sleeping together situation changes things in him thinking of me as more of a fwb and he replied saying he’s still after a relationship but he’s not in any rush. This just leads me to believe this situation could drag on months and I’m not ok with that.

OP posts:
D0lphine · 23/07/2022 12:11

I'm not sure on this one. I think you're reasonable to want to be exclusive given that you're sleeping with him. I also think he is reasonable to want to date a few people and see how it goes. That's what online dating is for after all.

I think the only way to resolve this is to have a chat with him.

But I think you should prepare yourself to be a bit disappointed. Sorry. Online dating is hard.

EarthSight · 23/07/2022 12:40

Stop beating yourself up. I think you are learning who you are emotionally, and dating in this manner doesn't seem to be for you. On Tinder you are far more likely to encounter men who are just on it to shag around.

ANewNameANewDay · 23/07/2022 12:40

Milkandhoneybees · 23/07/2022 07:08

I personally don’t think that you should say that you are also dating other people OR to actually start dating other people.

Why, you ask?

Because it’s very easy to get swept up in what other people do whilst dating, and to mimic it, but in the process of it, you will start to lose yourself and who YOU are - which is your most valuable asset to find the person who you are best matched with and be truly happy, rather than playing a role set by the expectations of others. You need to be yourself - fully.

I fell into that trap and - shocker - had a couple of months of having a crap time with it all. I then got back to ME and what I felt comfortable with, whilst being 100% honest with whoever I spoke to, and I ended up meeting my DH!

So, my advice: tell him exactly what you’ve told MN. Tell him that you would’ve have slept with him if you would have known that he’d continue to be browsing Tinder, and that you focus on one person at a time. If he’s happy to reciprocate, great, but if he isn’t then I’d create a lot of distance and potentially phase him out completely, taking it as a learning curve. You don’t need to be dating other people whilst this is going on - this is not a race, it’s a marathon, and one that requires you to be emotionally tip-top in order to find success.

If you end up phasing him out completely, try to slow it down in future: build trust, get to know if they hold the same values as you, make sure you see evidence of that same value system etc. This is a huge part of long-term compatibility.

Good luck!

TL;DR: honesty is the best policy. Don’t change who you are.

This is really lovely, sound advice. I wish younger me had read this!

hotcoldnotsold · 23/07/2022 13:51

I'm not sure I understand what you want...?

You seem to want exclusivity (i.e not dating other people) but then say you don't as you hardly know him.

You clearly have a lot of anxieties and insecurities about dating, but multiple dating yourself will only make you feel worse. So you either tell him you'd like to exclusively date each other OR deal with your insecurities about better women out there etc and trust that if he's the right guy for you, he won't meet anyone he likes more.

Please don't use sex as a control tactic here - if you've already slept with him twice, before you got exclusive, it's bonkers to now say you won't until you are. When you had sex the first time, you must have known he could be dating others?? If a guy shagged me, then said he didn't want to shag me until we were exclusive but in the meantime was going to date others - I'd think he was manipulative and controlling and very insecure. So please don't tell him what you've said here or you'll come across not knowing your own mind.

bluetatoo · 23/07/2022 14:09

Agree with pp be honest!
doesnt matter what everyone else wants or is cool with?
also he may well not be dating loads of other women etc just like we find it hard to click men do too?
sounds like he likes you! Don’t be over the top but tell him what you want/think and see from there?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 23/07/2022 16:01

I wouldn't have any of these conversations on text or phone. I would have another date with him and be ready to go home on your own at the end of it. When he asks about that, tell him you have decided you only sleep with people who are dating you exclusively. If he asks what changed, say its all a learning process, which it is, and this is what you are comfortable with. And then see what happens.

Frogium · 23/07/2022 16:31

He has made it clear that he’s not sleeping with other woman and he would tell me if that was to change.

He would let you know? How very kind of him.

Have some self respect @Namechangedforthis12456 and end it.

BiscoffSundae · 23/07/2022 16:34

So why sleep with someone on the first date if you aren’t happy with casual? It literally screams casual you can’t expect someone you’ve met twice to suddenly commit to you just because you’ve slept with them straight away, you don’t even know each other!

Scorpio8 · 24/07/2022 20:51

@Namechangedforthis12456
Why are you not chatting to other guys and getting to know them.

Definitely get to know other guys too. You not boyfriend and girlfriend. He can do what he likes and so can you.

Don't wait for him to meet you and then say he met someone better. You take the plunge go ahead and still date get to know guys. Be careful a lot of idiot out there.

summersunherewecome · 24/07/2022 21:37

Awww OP, treat this one as a learning curve and bin this one off.

If he said he'll let you know if/when he's going to sleep with other people, that says it all :(

Please keep us posted with your outcome x

Original poster
Namechangedforthis12456 · 24/07/2022 22:26

Thought I’d update this thread after getting such good advice. Thank you everyone.

I spoke to him and he said that he was happy dating me at the minute with a view to a relationship and he would happy to be exclusive at the date 5/6 point. It actually transpires that he’s only talking to one other person, not the 100’s I was imagining and that is quite clearly a no go.

He still seems keen. Called for four hours earlier and texts but I’ve decided to start replying to other matches. I think I’d like to set up some more dates while seeing how this pans out.

OP posts:
ShrillSiren22 · 24/07/2022 23:03

That sounds promising @Namechangedforthis12456 . Are you feeling reassured by this?

Scorpio8 · 24/07/2022 23:09

@Namechangedforthis12456

Just date other guys and see. Let him see you got an option too.

seaUrchinOne · 24/07/2022 23:21

No I wouldn't put up with that, exclusive at 5-6 dates, why can't he date just you until then and see how it goes, if he liked you enough he wouldn't have to decide..

SeekingTact · 24/07/2022 23:22

Yes to what @Milkandhoneybees said.
good luck!

londonlass71 · 24/07/2022 23:26

Gosh I met my current partner online and slept with him the second night! He was constantly round here and I know he wasn't seeing anyone else. I honestly think if it's right then it's right. It won't matter if you slept with him so soon.
Even though you area one at a time person, iy might be worth exploring chatting to others and maybe going out with others too. You never know you might have fun.
For now, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

londonlass71 · 24/07/2022 23:28

Namechangedforthis12456 · 24/07/2022 22:26

Thought I’d update this thread after getting such good advice. Thank you everyone.

I spoke to him and he said that he was happy dating me at the minute with a view to a relationship and he would happy to be exclusive at the date 5/6 point. It actually transpires that he’s only talking to one other person, not the 100’s I was imagining and that is quite clearly a no go.

He still seems keen. Called for four hours earlier and texts but I’ve decided to start replying to other matches. I think I’d like to set up some more dates while seeing how this pans out.

Good. You never know you might meet someone even better!

Advice78 · 24/07/2022 23:31

I don't get that at all.

Happy to be exclusive in 4 dates time but in the meantime will keep options open? Can understand someone saying he needs to know you better first but why put a number on it? And why does not officially being in a relationship automatically mean speaking to or dating others? It baffles me.

I think any situation which brings you to Mumsnet for advice 2 dates in isn't right.

I completely disagree with any comment suggesting you are in the wrong/shouldn't have slept with him/should work on yourself and review your attachment style before dating. Unnecessary and cruel comments.

You are who you are, continue being you, keep being honest and remove yourself from any situation where your gut tells you something isn't right. Feels like you suspect this isn't right, otherwise you probably wouldn't be asking the questions in the first place.

SeekingTact · 24/07/2022 23:32

Yes, that does sound great. Well done for clearing it up with him and also keeping yourself in a good place with it.

Missisipihallelujah · 25/07/2022 00:33

The fact that he is still in contact with you, after early sex, says a lot. I stupidly slept with different men on first dates and they didn't want to know again after that. Conquest done, onto the next target. I look back now and cringe. Take it slowly and go with the flow. Dont over analyse and just enjoy yourself.

Opentooffers · 25/07/2022 03:50

So I think I'd proceed by getting to the 5th or 6th date without more sex whe also talking to others as 'what's good for the goose' and all that.

Original poster
Namechangedforthis12456 · 27/07/2022 09:28

Sorry it’s me again.

I know I need to bin this one off. It’s hard because I genuinely thought this one had prospects. After talking to him and it all seeming promising I just feel uneasy. He keeps changing his tinder profile. Not just occasionally, I'm talking around three times a day. There’s something off putting about this that I can’t quite put my finger on.

He still calls, still replies immediately if I message him and we are supposed to be meeting this weekend. It shouldn’t feel like this though right? Surely the beginning should be exciting? I just feel on edge because his words aren’t really matching his actions as such.

OP posts:
londonlass71 · 27/07/2022 09:39

Namechangedforthis12456 · 27/07/2022 09:28

Sorry it’s me again.

I know I need to bin this one off. It’s hard because I genuinely thought this one had prospects. After talking to him and it all seeming promising I just feel uneasy. He keeps changing his tinder profile. Not just occasionally, I'm talking around three times a day. There’s something off putting about this that I can’t quite put my finger on.

He still calls, still replies immediately if I message him and we are supposed to be meeting this weekend. It shouldn’t feel like this though right? Surely the beginning should be exciting? I just feel on edge because his words aren’t really matching his actions as such.

You aren't comfortable so I would just take a step back and do things for yourself. It's hard to put it out of your mind I know. Stop and I mean STOP checking his dating profile, whatsapp etc all the time. It will drive you mad and keeps you attached to the situation. Totally disengage as much as poss and see how you feel by the weekend. He isn't the only guy in the world - I know you may nor have met anyone you like in a while which makes it tricky but there are alot of guys out there.
You say he responds immediately. That's great but I would let him initiate and keep things light.

velvetvixen · 27/07/2022 09:46

Dating someone is supposed to be fun! when it stops being fun and just causes anxiety - stop dating that person.

He sounds like a player anyway. All phone chats and messaging, not much actual dating.

Original poster
Namechangedforthis12456 · 27/07/2022 09:54

I’m getting player vibes. Or at least want to be player vibes.

I just don’t know whether my judgement is particular trust worthy. If it wasn’t for the tinder thing I wouldn’t fault him. He hasn’t stepped a toe out of line. I’m just uncomfortable with the fact he seems to live on that bloody app.

OP posts: