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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic Abuse

63 replies

Ineer · 22/07/2022 07:10

Hello

Im posting in this section because I need advice quickly. My boyfriend has accused my of domestic abuse.

What happened was we were lying in bed, his hand was on me, and I said ‘ I feel very sick today’. He lifted his hand off, and I grabbed it and pulled it back saying ‘don’t worry it doesn’t mean you can’t leave your hand there’. He says that I have hurt him, it was domestic abuse, and that if he did that to me it wouldn’t be acceptable. He now isn’t speaking to me accept for necessary conversation, which I completely accept. I have been up all night as I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should report myself to the police, if I should move out, I really don’t know what the acceptable thing to do is.

I have been a victim of domestic abuse myself, and the thought that I could have inflicted the feelings I went through onto someone else is seriously making me feel as though I don’t deserve to live anymore. I can’t cope with the guilt, I’ve apologised and apologised, but my parter says that I’m trying to make him feel guilty, and he is the innocent one and doesn’t deserve that. He says I’m feeling sorry for myself and that he is the one who was abused.

He keeps saying what if I did that to you- he suffers from awful anger problems, and has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face, just to show how serious this issue is, but he has never once touched me in these anger fits, and like he says if he can control himself not to kill me when he is angry, it’s not acceptable that I restrained his arm.

I know that domestic abuse is unforgivable, and I know that calling the police is the best thing to do, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m worried he won’t look after my pets properly if I’m arrested which I know is stupid, as it’s punishment and not supposed to be easy. I’m also scared he’s going to tell all his colleagues and friends that I am an abuser.

I need someone to talk to me firmly to tell me that I must call the police. I am not the victim here, and the relationship has to be over for his sake, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 22/07/2022 07:12

I think you need to calm down. If that’s really all that happened then I think he is being emotionally abusive to you,
Your relationship sounds toxic, I think you need a break from each other while you think about the future.

Audioslaw · 22/07/2022 07:19

You have found yourself in another DV relationship. It doesn't have to be like this. Get out and be on your own.

Pinksalty · 22/07/2022 07:20

He’s threatened to kill you and you think you should report yourself to the police for grabbing his hand? He is the abusive one, not you. End the relationship because one day he won’t be able to control himself.

RandomMess · 22/07/2022 07:21

He is abusive to you and saying this to frighten you and emotionally abuse you further!!

It's utterly toxic you need to contact Woman's Aid and need plans to leave.

Trudij123 · 22/07/2022 07:22

oh bless you, he’s really done a number on you hasn’t he. Report yourself by all means - but to Woman’s Aid and get the help to leave.

no way is what you described DV - from you to him, but the other way round? Go go go.

something2say · 22/07/2022 07:22

Domestic abuse is about power and fear. Who has the power here, you?? Who fears whom?

Karwomannghia · 22/07/2022 07:24

You are being abused again. You did nothing in anger yet he sounds like he is constantly enraged and has basically threatened to kill you. Get out.

Justcallmebebes · 22/07/2022 07:25

This absolutely is abusive but he's the abuser, not you lovely

WhiteFire · 22/07/2022 07:25

The relationship has to be over for your sake. I'm not even sure what you have supposed to have done that was abusive, the worst is that you moved his arm a bit too strongly.

Make plans to leave, ring Women's Aid and start from there.

He has done an absolute number on you. Him not killing you is not something for him to be proud of, it shouldn't even be crossing his mind.

Happylittlethoughts · 22/07/2022 07:27

Stop! Stop and try and calm down a minute. Your thoughts and mind are racing with anxiety and panic.
What you describe happened is NOT domestic abuse. Unless your partner's version is wildly different, no Police action would be taken. None.
A lot of the other things you regarding describe about your partner's behaviour are though are very troubling.
You seem afraid of him and you sound to an outsider as though he is able to manipulate your thoughts and actions .
I believe you are a victim and not a perpetrator of DA.
Contact Womens Aid as soon as possible.
Yes, you do need to leave this relationship- for YOUR sake, not his !

Original poster

Ineer · 22/07/2022 07:37

I don’t know how to reply to individual people. That is definitely exactly what happened, he said that it didn’t hurt him but it came close to hurting him, and that the problem was the restraint, as he doesn’t like people restraining him, not the fact that it did or didn’t hurt. Those are pretty much his exact words, so I think if he told the story it would be similar. I think it’s the principle that has upset him, the fact that I restrained him, which I shouldn’t have done. He has become a lot more aware of the fact women can abuse men after watching the Amber Heard trial- if I disagree with him over something he will say I’m being an Amber Heard.

I appreciate people saying that he is abusive, however he had lots of awful childhood trauma, which results in these anger fits, they are involuntary, and we have been together 8 years, and he has never actually attacked me. In these situations, I just try and leave the situation if I can, I never shout or confront him, as potentially that would make it worse.

The majority of the time we have a perfect relationship. We have our pets together, which he would not allow me to take if I left, and we spend all our weekends together.

I’m feeling incredibly muddled and stressed- I’m a very bad liar, so if potentially going and reporting myself to the police means they might come to the same conclusion as the other posters then I will not go. Would I have to answer questions about our relationship, or would it just be the incident last night?

OP posts:

mynameiscalypso · 22/07/2022 07:40

Nothing that you've said in your second post changes the fact that he's abusing you. Childhood trauma isn't an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Clymene · 22/07/2022 07:41

You are not a domestic abuser.

Your boyfriend is abusive. And this is another part of his abuse.

has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face = domestic abuse

He lifted his hand off, and I grabbed it and pulled it back saying ‘don’t worry it doesn’t mean you can’t leave your hand there’ = not domestic abuse.

And there is no way he wouldn't have been able to pull his hand free.

The bloody Heard/Depp trial really has given a lot of abusive men a free pass to try out new abuse tactics

newbiename · 22/07/2022 07:45

His anger fits are not involuntary, does he do it at work?
He's abusive. I hope you can get away from him.

WulyJmpr · 22/07/2022 07:46

OP please look up gaslighting. This is what your partner is doing to you. Get away from him sharpish and find happiness away from him.

Hoardasurass · 22/07/2022 07:46

His behaviour is called gaslighting it is a form of coercive control and abuse!
Yes you should call the police and report him for his abuse and death threats.
You are making excuses for his abuse which is very worrying please leave him and do the freedom programme

Whitehorsegirl · 22/07/2022 07:51

OP you need to leave this man and speak to a counsellor so you can get help with your self-esteem and understanding of relationships.

He is abusing you and blaming you for his behaviour.

He gaslighting you which means he is twisting the facts and making you doubt yourself and what is real and isn't. His anger is dangerous.

Please speak to someone about this (friends? family?) and think to an organisation that supports women who are being abused, I think people suggested Woman's Aid, and find a way to leave and fast.

JanglyBeads · 22/07/2022 07:54

he wouldn't allow me to take the pets

Why wouldn't you be able to come to a mutual agreement with him about the animals if you split up OP?

Because he'd get angry or, at the very least, emotionally manipulate you?

There should be no "allow"s in a healthy relationship, even at the end.

Also abusers often use loved pets as a lever., sometimes really harming them in order to hurt their partner.

Would you feel able to give a domestic abuse line a call? You could just read out your OP to them. See if they think you're an abuser.

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 22/07/2022 07:59

You haven’t done ANYTHING wrong. Nothing. Going to the police is futile.
However, it sounds like you are once again the victim of an abusive relationship. Stop making excuses for childhood trauma and re-read your own posts about your partners behaviour. You are scared of him, making excuses for him, walking on egg shells around him and questioning yourself to the extent you are thinking about going to the police and report yourself for DV.
Life is very short and precious. Your life does not have to be like this.
I would recommend you spend today re-evaluating your life and reaching out to some Womens charities for some advice and guidance.
You will get some fantastic suggestions on this forum. My recommendation to you is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
Good luck.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 22/07/2022 08:00

Ah so what he's doing is trying to show you what it's like to be the bad guy. Mine will throw and kick things around the room shouting, generally being aggressive and scary, I'll tell him that. Then the next time I push something out the way with my foot or lob a plastic spoon into the sink he'll start the whole "you're being violent, I'm scared, I'm calling the police" spiel. To make me feel ashamed of myself and make me doubt myself.

You did nothing wrong, he's punishing you for his violence. He is abusing you and trying to make you doubt yourself.

bloodyunicorns · 22/07/2022 08:01

Bloody hell. Of course it wasn't abuse, and the police would laugh their heads off if he spoke to them.

He's deliberately trying to scare you, to worry you.

he suffers from awful anger problems, and has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face, just to show how serious this issue is, but he has never once touched me in these anger fits, and like he says if he can control himself not to kill me when he is angry, it’s not acceptable that I restrained his arm.

But this?! HE is the abusive one. Your relationship sounds toxic. His behaviour is abusive even if he didn't hit you - it's designed to scare you, to intimidate.

For the love of God, leave him. He sounds bloody awful.

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 08:06

and like he says if he can control himself not to kill me when he is angry,

Op you need to understand that when he starts to hit you, it'll be your fault because of this 'incident' he's created. But it'll be ok because he didn't mean it and you made him angry. But he didn't kill you.

Then when you're in hospital and he's arrested, you'll forgive him because he controlled himself not to kill you.

And then one day he'll kill you. And people will question why you stayed.

Please leave him. He's using this to escalate his abuse.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 22/07/2022 08:07

I'm sorry... what the hell did I just read??!!

YOU are being abused. Tell me, does he have these anger outbursts at work or around other people?

Someone said in a thread last week, that women are not rehabs for men, and I agree wholeheartedly. You cannot fix his childhood problems and him being aggressive and angry, won't fix it either.

Please, please get yourself away from this man.

Original poster

Ineer · 22/07/2022 08:09

I really need to think about all this. I tried to call the domestic abuse helpline, I didn’t think womens aid was appropriate with it being him claiming abuse, but I didn’t get an answer. I have to go to work but I’ll maybe try them again later.
For the posters asking about the pets, he would never ever agree for me to have them- they are everything to me, as I am unable to have children, which sounds so stupid, but they help me so much with all my anxiety and stress, so I couldn’t possibly leave them.

OP posts:

user1471462428 · 22/07/2022 08:15

You could very carefully plan and leave while he is at work? Taking the pets with you.

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