Domestic Abuse

[Ineer]

Hello

Im posting in this section because I need advice quickly. My boyfriend has accused my of domestic abuse.

What happened was we were lying in bed, his hand was on me, and I said ‘ I feel very sick today’. He lifted his hand off, and I grabbed it and pulled it back saying ‘don’t worry it doesn’t mean you can’t leave your hand there’. He says that I have hurt him, it was domestic abuse, and that if he did that to me it wouldn’t be acceptable. He now isn’t speaking to me accept for necessary conversation, which I completely accept. I have been up all night as I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should report myself to the police, if I should move out, I really don’t know what the acceptable thing to do is.

I have been a victim of domestic abuse myself, and the thought that I could have inflicted the feelings I went through onto someone else is seriously making me feel as though I don’t deserve to live anymore. I can’t cope with the guilt, I’ve apologised and apologised, but my parter says that I’m trying to make him feel guilty, and he is the innocent one and doesn’t deserve that. He says I’m feeling sorry for myself and that he is the one who was abused.

He keeps saying what if I did that to you- he suffers from awful anger problems, and has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face, just to show how serious this issue is, but he has never once touched me in these anger fits, and like he says if he can control himself not to kill me when he is angry, it’s not acceptable that I restrained his arm.

I know that domestic abuse is unforgivable, and I know that calling the police is the best thing to do, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m worried he won’t look after my pets properly if I’m arrested which I know is stupid, as it’s punishment and not supposed to be easy. I’m also scared he’s going to tell all his colleagues and friends that I am an abuser.

I need someone to talk to me firmly to tell me that I must call the police. I am not the victim here, and the relationship has to be over for his sake, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

He is so so so abusive.

Please keep speaking to Woman's Aid. You need to end this relationship it's utterly toxic.

I've had goosebumps and shivers reading your post.

He's highly manipulative. It would - I'm afraid, an it's awful to say - be better if he broke a bone in you because that would be cold, hard, unmistakable "evidence" of his abuse. There's none when it comes to breaking someone's mind down.

Get your self ready to leave him without telling him and then go without discussion. You need to get out asap. There was a poster who did that once where she got a new flat without telling him.

Please tell people in RL what's going on - or let them see your posts here. You need people around you.

And FYI I was abused as a child. I've been in therapy for years. I've had flashbacks and who whole shabang. I've never abused anybody. If I've hurt someone (we all do sometimes) then I've apologised. If the problem stems from his childhood then it's his responsibility to get help, not yours to get out the way for your own safety!

Do not talk to him again about your seeing him as abusive, or about speaking to women's aid or any other advisors /professionals.

It would be safest to try and pretend you agree with all he says really.

Meanwhile make plans to leave as soon as possible.

He grabbed you “to show you”, hurt you and you still make excuses for him? Oh sweetheart I wish you could see this from the outside, I really really do.

don’t stop talking to woman’s aid ( or whoever you have spoken to) they will help. As someone else said, gather your things together ( documents, passport etc) and get them somewhere safe - preferably away from the house.

you don’t deserve any of this - none of it is you.

What he is doing is called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A person who does these things is an abuser:

"he suffers from awful anger problems, and has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face"

Get away from this creep.

If you do manage to read this please be careful what you say to him from now on. Your best bet is play the acting role of your lifetime and keep going like nothing is wrong now, while planning your escape in the background. Only tell who you need to tell in order to get the help you need to leave. Women's Aid will help you. Please be careful.

There's definitely abuse going on in the relationship but it's not coming from you it's him.

He doesn't have to physically hurt you for it to be abuse. He is emotionally abusive and gas lighting you.

What you need to do is decide what you want to do next. Leave or stay. People on here can advise but no one can tell you what you to do.

If you decide to leave then contact Womans Aid for advice and support. You sadly won't be unique to them and they are best placed to help you.

You are worth so much more than how he is treating you and I hope you realise your worth sooner rather than later.

And once last time, YOU are NOT the abuser.

Don’t tell him anything else eg about DV helpline. He is NOT on your side and he’s not to be trusted.

Your last update made for very uncomfortable reading. It was a few days ago now so I hope you’re doing ok.

Please continue to reach out to DV/Woman’s support groups for help and guidance on next steps. Can you confide in your sister, will she help you.
Being blunt, your partner is abusive, physically and more worryingly mentally. He is in your head and you are questioning everything.
You really need to end this relationship and move forward with your life. Know your worth x

Reading your initial 2*post, the thought I was having was the time Amber Heard was describing how JD was slamming doors and screaming at her. But, if she did any small response like push him away, he'd go into overdrive with an exaggerated spiel about how she'd 'clocked him one' and such hyperbolic nonsense. Sounds very similar to your situation. Lo and behold you mentioned how he has been weaponised it against you.
Also, the thing about being called by her name to belittle, minimise and dismiss your legitimate concerns has been noted already by Dr. Jessica Taylor and her partner. It's another thing abusive men have started doing.
You'd benefit from reading Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? and Evan Stark's Coercive Control plus Don Hennessy's Inside the mind of a male abuser and No Visible Bruises (can't remember the author but she does explore how not being 'hit' can be used as a reason to stay but it shouldn't)
I hope you can leave without issue.

@Ineer You have the perfect relationship as long as you don't confront him.... That's a dictatorship - not a relationship

Please please leave this man.

The only abusive person in this relationship is him. He is manipulating you at every turn and Is EXTREMELY abusive towards you.

YOU ARE NOT THE ABUSIVE ONE.

You took his hand and put it back in the position it was in a moment before, giving him consent to carry on touching you after he had mistakenly thought you didn't want him to. That isn't abuse. The police won't think it is abuse. You could call them and tell them what happened but I think they would be very confused by why you are handing yourself over to them. They won't arrest you. If you were a man who did this to a woman, it still wouldn't be domestic abuse.