Domestic Abuse

[Ineer]

Hello

Im posting in this section because I need advice quickly. My boyfriend has accused my of domestic abuse.

What happened was we were lying in bed, his hand was on me, and I said ‘ I feel very sick today’. He lifted his hand off, and I grabbed it and pulled it back saying ‘don’t worry it doesn’t mean you can’t leave your hand there’. He says that I have hurt him, it was domestic abuse, and that if he did that to me it wouldn’t be acceptable. He now isn’t speaking to me accept for necessary conversation, which I completely accept. I have been up all night as I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should report myself to the police, if I should move out, I really don’t know what the acceptable thing to do is.

I have been a victim of domestic abuse myself, and the thought that I could have inflicted the feelings I went through onto someone else is seriously making me feel as though I don’t deserve to live anymore. I can’t cope with the guilt, I’ve apologised and apologised, but my parter says that I’m trying to make him feel guilty, and he is the innocent one and doesn’t deserve that. He says I’m feeling sorry for myself and that he is the one who was abused.

He keeps saying what if I did that to you- he suffers from awful anger problems, and has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face, just to show how serious this issue is, but he has never once touched me in these anger fits, and like he says if he can control himself not to kill me when he is angry, it’s not acceptable that I restrained his arm.

I know that domestic abuse is unforgivable, and I know that calling the police is the best thing to do, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m worried he won’t look after my pets properly if I’m arrested which I know is stupid, as it’s punishment and not supposed to be easy. I’m also scared he’s going to tell all his colleagues and friends that I am an abuser.

I need someone to talk to me firmly to tell me that I must call the police. I am not the victim here, and the relationship has to be over for his sake, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Oh darling you’re still questioning things - THAT is because of his abuse. Please, please call woman’s aid today and talk to them. They WILL help you.
what pets are they - how many and what size?
it will be doable, I promise.

He’s the abusive one op
He sounds dangerous; please call womens aid, call the police, get yourself away from him

You are not abusive

Agreed. He has really damaged you. He is the abuser. Find your voice and tell him to go try that with the police. Let’s see how far that gets him when the whole situation is discussed with them. The whole situation. The police will know exactly what is going on here.
Better still, just leave him. He is a total bastard.

He is abusing you. You need some professional help fast.

I appreciate people saying that he is abusive, however he had lots of awful childhood trauma, which results in these anger fits, they are involuntary, and we have been together 8 years, and he has never actually attacked me. In these situations

Sorry but this is just wrong. The fact that he had childhood trauma absolutely does not mean he is not abusive. You say his anger fits are involuntary... so presumably he has anger fits at everyone then? Including his boss, strangers? I doubt it.

'He has never actually attacked me' is a very, very low bar for acceptable treatment by a partner. He has abused you and trained you not to see it as abuse. And now he's ramping it up by pretending youre the abuser. You need proper help, OP.

You need to talk to Women's Aid.

You need professional MH help support as you are talking about no longer wanting to live.

It is common for abusers to turn around and accuse their targets of being the abusive ones. It's part of their pattern of abuse.

What you describe you did does not sound like an act of abuse and it is possible he is deliberately telling you it is in order to manipulate you. Or else his perceptions of relationship dynamics are so skewed from his childhood experiences, he sincerely believes what he's saying (as well as finding it acceptable to shout and storm and make threats against your life and use your pets against you to force you to stay ... those are not the normal, loving actions of a normal, loving partner).

EITHER WAY he is toxic to be around and you need to be out of the relationship before he does further damage to you.

If you truly feel unable to leave yet: pursue getting help as hard as you possibly can (tell your partner that you're seeking help for your "abusive behaviour" if that helps placate him. Do NOT go to couples counselling with him however). Talk to Women's Aid, talk to your GP. Tell them about his behaviour. Do you have any friends or family you can turn to? Are you in work and does your workplace have any sort of employee assistance scheme that offers counseling?

You need to build your confidence so you can see his toxic behaviour for what it is, and also realize that you're not responsible for either causing or fixing his behaviour.

Remember that what comes out of this man's mouth is bullshit.

Good luck OP, we love you.

Dv survivor here.. You are definitely in an abusive relationship. He has manipulated your mind so much that you question yourself when he is in the wrong. There are many forms of abuse and its not always beating you up. Mental and emotional abuse and things like holding the ownership of your pets over your head is abusive.
Ive been there.. It will only get worse.. Especially now he is twisting things up so badly in your own head... Making you question and doubt yourself.
You didnt do anything wrong... Hes making you think that so he can escalate the abuse on to another level and play the victim. Its narcissistic.
Get out.. Whenever or however you can.. And dont go back. Xx

Men like that usually follow through with their threats. You need to get out. Report him to the police for assault which is exactly what threatening to kill you is.

Also, OP, you may want to repost this in the Relationships board, or email MNHQ and ask them to move it to Relationships. There is often a lot of good advice on that board about boundaries and respect and healthy relationships. Many of us have been in your position where you are the frog in slowly heated water who can no longer tell it's started boiling. A supportive reality check from others can be really valuable.

I think you should go to the police and ask for the domestic abuse section.

Tell them EVERYTHING.

Tell them all about your relationship and everything HE has done and everything thing he has threatened and what he now has accused you of.

You desperately need help and support.

I agree with everyone else. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and didn't realise it and thought he would never do anything as he watched his mum get abused by his dad and it's always traumatised him however this was just a sob story to feel sorry for him. He always used to make me feel bad for self harming or for having a go at him for something that was upsetting me. He made me believe I was the one at fault because I was the one overreacting even though he'd throw things at me and make threats etc. I ended up on anti depressants for stress and depression which I didn't even have. I had just been manipulated constantly and I fell for it. The last 2 years is when he started to hit me. Physical abuse doesn't always start straight away. They have to get you into a position where they don't think you're going to run away and tell before they show their true colours. I left him in January and he is still trying to control my life and the craziest thing is by not responding you see how far they will go to make you still seem like the bad one even if you don't give them a response. I have no idea how I fell for it before. You definitely need to leave now for your own safety. He is abusing you and you have by no means abused him. Don't let him have that power over you that's what he wants you to believe. Get yourself some support from domestic violence team. Woman's aid or something else. Explain it to them and they will tell you whether they think you're to blame or not. You won't get in trouble for it but you would definitely benefit from doing some domestic violence programmes. They've helped me massively. Stay safe xx

You are being abused, he is gaslighting you, playing mind games to make you think you’re the abuser not him, he will more than likely turn physical at some point. Is there anywhere you can stay and take the pets with you? Whose pets are they? Did you have them before you met him? Or did you get them together?

Look at the Dogs Trust Freedom Project. They foster dogs for people going into refuge for DV and are returned once the victim is rehoused safely. It’s very common for people to stay in DV situations because the abuser threatens or gaslights them about their pets. Good luck OP. www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/hope-project-freedom-project/freedom-project

like he says if he can control himself not to kill me when he is angry, it’s not acceptable that I restrained his arm😲

Please leave this angry person. He's the one who's abusive.

He’s gaslighting you and is emotionally abusive. He can control his anger, I bet he manages to with his mates/at work.

he suffers from awful anger problems, and has previously shouted and threatened to kill me, thrown things at me, and slammed doors in my face,

...and he consoles you by telling you he somehow manages not to kill you.

His previous trauma is no excuse, you have found yourself in another abusive situation and you need help.

Get out as soon as you can and do not go back. Women's Aid have an online chat service, don't be discouraged that you didnt through, please please try again. <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=chat.womensaid.org.uk/&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwi_2aL4xoz5AhUKbsAKHbWvAawQFnoECAgQAg&usg=AOvVaw1yc3xWryBusMgv69uVTIS1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here's a link

Sorry, that link insert didn't work, google womens aid online chat

Oh god, OP, you poor thing I'm so sorry. You are being abused, and he knows full well what he's doing.

His traumatic past is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. Lots of people have traumatic pasts and don't turn out abusive. You cannot let him treat you badly because you feel bad about his past.

I've said this to someone in my life recently - no one becomes abusive because they're a stable, mentally-well person. All abusers have an "origin story". People must be held accountable for abuse, no matter what has happened to them. Otherwise where is the line? When do you start sticking up for yourself?

The situation you described about you grabbing his hand was not abusive. He knows full what he's doing by accusing you of that.

however he had lots of awful childhood trauma, which results in these anger fits, they are involuntary

You're making excuses for him. Involuntary my arse. Why are you with someone who treats you badly?

What the fuck is this guy on?! What you did is NOT in any way domestic violence FSS. His threat to kill you sure is though. You are in another abusive relationship, he is an abuser pretending to be the victim, but the fact that you say he wouldn’t let you take the pets, shows who is the one with the power in this dynamic.

You need to get away from this abusive man, he will only get worse.

OP what pet's do you have, dogs, cats?

This comment by the OP sprung out at me.

and we spend all our weekends together

It feels quite controlling (by him). A need to constantly be together can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Does he stop you doing other stuff with other people?

**
**

Thank you all for your help. We have had a big argument this morning over this. I don’t know if we are going to stay together or not, we discussed splitting up.
The pets are two cats, he has said if we split up he will take his favourite on and let me have the other one. He grabbed my arm and pulled it to demonstrate what I did to him, and I felt quite scared, but I also understand that if I had done that to him it would have been horrible for him.
I feel a bit numb.

He accused me again of domestic abuse this morning, and then I told him I had rung the domestic abuse helpline and they told me it wasn’t abuse, then he got angry with me. He said he couldn’t trust me again now I have rung them. I thought I have nothing to lose now and told him everything I felt, how scared I was of him, and that what he was doing to me was also abuse, and he told me everything that I am doing wrong. He says that I am ‘miserable with a smile on top’ and that he is stressed at work all day then comes home and has to deal with me being miserable, and that the spark is gone with sex. I started a self employed business in January, and I don’t know if it makes him stressed that I am doing that as well as my job, I suppose I am a little more stressed now than I was before because of having two jobs. I don’t know what will happen now. He has gone out to get drunk, and I’m supposed to be meeting a friend this afternoon, I have lots of work to do but I’m just sat on the sofa.
We have both agreed we will come back home but I just don’t really know. I might not be able to come back to this thread if he comes back because he doesn’t trust me. My sister rang before he left (about something completely different), and he waited until I had answered to make sure I haven’t told my sister anything before he left.

I really want to make things work and make them get better for us.

Oh my love, please give up on this relationship and start making plans to leave.

In the meantime, do what you need to to stay safe.

Refuge has brilliant advice on domestic abuse and leaving abusive relationships, with lots of details on forming an escape plan and they can support you as you do this. Their website has an escape/hide feature so you can leave it quickly if your partner comes near.

You can have safe words with friends or family so that you can communicate without him realising and make plans so that you can leave with your pets.

You can post here again with another account if you need to so that he can't link to your previous posts.

He's highly abusive and controlling and you shouldn't have to live like this.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/keeping-safe/

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/planning-to-leave/

Oh sweetheart, things will never be better for the two of you because whatever you do will never be enough for him.

Please stop thinking you are the abuser here, he is using this to exert even more control over you, even when you told him your were scared of him he flipped it back to being your fault (which it isn't by the way) I am quite concerned that you are saying that he has gone out to get drunk and you are planning to be there. However if he is out can you take this opportunity to pack an escape bag, clothes, important documents etc and have someone take care of it for you.

Have you told friends or family what is going on? Please do if you can, you need support irl here.

You are worth more than this life,