Red flags? Or am I the red flag?

[Mememe2022]

Hey.
So I’ve been seeing a guy for about 6 months.
He’s lovely and he does make me feel good, most of the time. There have been occasions when he has made comments and it has hurt my feelings, I don’t think he meant it that way and I just kept it to myself. I think things sometimes come out the wrong way maybe?

Well past couple of days things have gotten to me, I wondered if I could get an outside view?

1. night before last he txt me goodnight, with a couple of emojis and cc’s…I replied goodnight with xx’s. he replied saying have you forgotten something so I added the emojis and he said you didn’t say I love you. I feel like you’re annoyed at me are you ok? So I replied to say I love you - but just to point out you didn’t say it either lol and no I’m fine. He didn’t even open the msg or read it which then did annoy me because he made a fuss about me not saying I love you and was checking if I was ok but the. Couldn’t even be assed to read my reply to the scenario. I obviously knew I was being a bit petty so didn’t bring it up.
2. i am by no means overweight but I have put on a few pounds and feel a little self conscious about it. He knows this. Last night he started patting my tummy and said oh are you pregnant? This upset me a little I thought it was insensitive and it made me feel bad about myself. He instantly saw it upset me and said I’m sorry I’m only joking.
3. later in the evening we were watching a programme and there were prostitutes on, amongst conversation I said have you ever slept with one? And he went mad at me (didn’t raise his voice or anything) but told me that had pissed him off and he got his things and went home. Saying he couldn’t believe I would ask that etc. i genuinely didn’t think it was going to be like that it was just a question and I was taken aback by the whole situation..but I’m wondering whether it is me that is the issue.

thanks x

He is poison. End it now.

The prostitution question was a bad one, I think most people would be upset about being asked something like that!

The other two are just misunderstandings and not much to write home about

its a ew and a no and bye from me.

The "love you" neediness thing is very off putting/ plus the need to use emojis to a grown man, v strange.
The pregnancy comment would require an F off from me
The prostitute question I can see why someone would be offended- depends how dramatic he was about voicing his offense.

It’s him. You’ll have to watch what you say, red his mind, lavish affection on him and all the while he will criticise and belittle you. Sounds shit right? That’s because it is.
He’s not the one.

The comments about your messages is a red flag to me. I had an ex that would count the amount of kisses and emoji's I used at the end of each message and if it was any less he would accuse me of acting weird. He's an ex for a reason. Your partners reactions are similar, you can do so much better.

You're six months in. Is this what you want from a relationship?

Points one and two...I think you were in the right. He sounds needy and insensitive.

point three. You shouldn't have asked him that question. His reaction sounds extreme though.

Maybe we are both as bad as each other…
I made the comment innocently not realising it would offend him like it did…
he made his comments not realising they would offend me like they did??
both a bit insensitive maybe

thanks for your input guys

He sounds like a knob

I think there is a red flag here, but it's not you OP. Sorry, but he sounds like hard work at best and controlling in other worse ways.
Best wishes to you - I hope you find someone who makes you happy without having to watch your step.

No, you are NOT the same. 1 and 2 are in the "is he abusive?" handbook. 3 is in the "insensitive" handbook.

The first one is really bad. Nobody should make you say i love you. It should come from you naturally, not forced or manipulated. Run as fast as you can.

Get rid. He's manipulating and gaslighting you. That's why you're doubting yourself saying you're both as bad as eachother. Patting your stomach and saying you're pregnant or whatever passed off as a joke is abusive!
You sound like you're in a bit of denial as you love him but wake up and smell the coffee love. He's bad news.

No, you're not. But if this is a familiar experience to you, what you might need to face in yourself is an underlying, often unconscious, propensity to choose abusive men.

My educated guess is that you asked him about prostitutes because a part of you knew that that's what he was capable of - and we tend to learn that kind of 'sixth-sense thinking' from having to be hyper-vigilant as children.

Excuse him all you want. Take the blame upon yourself. It won’t help.

We must have dated the same man @sheildmaiden as there can't possibly be two of these nutters in the world

A red flag is a warning not to continue a relationship. Whether it's down to you or not is neither here nor there. If you don't feel good in a relationship, that's the red flag. Just leave. You don't need to pull it all to pieces.

This distinction will stop you from being in toxic relationships, abusive relationships, and relationships you don't enjoy.

Go according to your feelings. There's no definitive list of 'red flags'. If I have a rat phobia and I date someone who tells me they own rats, that's a red flag for me. Nobody has done anything wrong, but I wouldn't be able to have an ongoing relationship with them, because I would feel bad. That's when to leave. When the relationship makes you feel bad.

There are obvious 'red flag' behaviours (abusive ones like verbal or physical abuse), but limiting your own red flags to these puts you in a potentially difficult situation where you put up with something that makes you feel bad, because it's not an 'official red flag'. Little jokey comments often fall into this category. Don't spend time with people who make you feel bad, otherwise you're volunteering yourself to feel bad. People who love and respect you don't make you feel bad, apart from a very occasional misunderstanding on a solid background of decency. This guy has caused you multiple offences by crossing your boundaries, so yes, it is you, but that's because your boundaries are healthy. Listen to your natural signs. They're telling you something is off about this relationship. Respect that, and get out.

I think 1 and 2 depend on context to some extent. If you usually say I love you in your goodnight messages then could see why he mentioned it. But equally, he's not saying it either?

2 could just be joking around if you'd brought the subject up by saying how big/bloated your tummy is, and that was his response. Or if you both just have that kind of banter between you that you both appreciate is a joke. If he said it unprompted in a serious way and then backtracked I'd be more concerned.

3 sounds like he's either being a bit oversensitive or has something to hide. Could easily be either.

It is absolutely not you that is the problem.

He is a world class cunt.

R.....U....N....

I think he's in the wrong here. No.1 would really annoy me. No.2 was annoying too - surely everyone knows that's not a funny joke?! No.3 was a massive overreaction - I can understand him not liking the question, but to storm out seems way OTT.

I’d bet he has used prostitutes, hence his over the top reaction. Personally I think that’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask, I’d never want to touch a man who thinks he can buy a woman’s consent.

He sounds awful. Sulky, petulant, nasty, the list goes on. He wasn’t ‘joking’, he was knowingly trying to kick your self esteem and make you feel like shit. And yes, it sounds like he has slept with prostitutes in the past.

You can look towards a sad and scary future if you stay with this one OP. It will only get worse from here. What do you love about him? Because it’s not how kind he is and how he’s your best friend. Do you just ‘love’ him because he’s with you and you want someone to be? Or do you really, genuinely love him for who he is?

You sound like you have very low self esteem and he has targeted you for a reason. You need to work on that and stay single for a bit because bullies and abusers can smell your vulnerability a mile off.

I cannot believe anyone thinks he overreacted to your question.

How on earth could you “mean it innocently”. How would you feel if he asked your whether you had ever been a sex worker? Your comment was relationship ending offensive- really vile. The fact you don’t know that is truly disturbing.

in terms of the other stuff: both as bad as each other.

There's always one 🙄