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Original poster

I slept with my husband's friend

55 replies

clovermeadow · 21/07/2022 10:50

My husband I split up 7 years ago. About 6 months after that, I slept with his friend.

About two years ago, my husband and I started to rekindle our relationship. We are now back together and things are soooo good.

However, I feel constant guilt about what happened with his friend. I want to tell him, to ease my guilt. But is that selfish of me as I know he will be devastated? It will also ruin his friendship. I wish, wish, wish I had never done it.

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 21/07/2022 10:52

Don't do it. No good will come of this.

You were separated. Leave it there.

If you feel guilt, perhaps explore some counselling on your own to work through it but technically you didn't do anything wrong like you didn't cheat.

But your husband will feel very hurt you chose his friend so keep quiet.

MadeleineBassettHound · 21/07/2022 10:53

Is the friend also committed to secrecy? If so, I wouldn't say anything- what good would it do?

NightsinBlueSatin · 21/07/2022 10:54

What did you do wrong? You weren't together, I'm sure your husband probably had some form of sexual relationship with someone else during the time you weren't together too.

You've found each other again, and it should be based on what reunites you not what broke you up before. I wouldn't bother mentioning this tbh.

Summerslam · 21/07/2022 10:55

Telling him now would be pointless. Chances are he knows anyway.

peridito · 21/07/2022 10:56

Sympathies .Out of kindness to your husband ,don't tell him .

You've done it ,it can't be undone ,but it's not the end of the world and in fact is not an uncommon response to being parted from your husband .
Live with it ,it's a consequence .

Ishacoco · 21/07/2022 10:57

Don't tell him. Forget about it. Move on.

It's not worth any more headspace, just let it go.

stupidly · 21/07/2022 10:58

Forget it. It's done and what's the point of him knowing.

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 21/07/2022 11:36

Going againts the grain here, but if I were your husband, I’d want to know.

Op, would you want to know if he had slept with one of your friends?

HollowTalk · 21/07/2022 11:41

So there was a five year gap in your relationship? Was he still friends with this guy throughout that time?

How long were you seeing his friend? Is his friend married or in a relationship?

I think it's something that should have been said right at the beginning of you two getting together.

Original poster
clovermeadow · 21/07/2022 11:43

Hello! I specifically told him I don't want to know what happened when we were separated, so he hasn't told me anything.

OP posts:
NoMichaelNo · 21/07/2022 11:44

You should have told him before you got back together but you didn't, now you need to live with it because if you tell him now he might not take it well.

Original poster
clovermeadow · 21/07/2022 11:44

His friend was single, and it was a one-off.

I wish I had told him right at the beginning.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2022 11:47

That was a bit of a scummy thing to do but I wouldn’t tell him now. You should have told him straight away if at all.

AquaticSewingMachine · 21/07/2022 11:50

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 21/07/2022 11:36

Going againts the grain here, but if I were your husband, I’d want to know.

Op, would you want to know if he had slept with one of your friends?

Why? To pointlessly hurt yourself? You can't be betraying a relationship which doesn't, at the time, exist, so what does it give you to know, other than unnecessary pain and awkwardness?

dontdrinkanddriveok · 21/07/2022 11:51

Just leave it and move on.

FluffyFlower · 21/07/2022 11:51

Don't tell him anything now. It would only serve you to release your guilt, but will hurt him and likely the relationship. Find a way to process this on your own.

JimmyShoo · 21/07/2022 11:52

You did nothing wrong. You were both single. You are not obligated to discuss how you slept with whilst you weren’t together.

ForeverandAlways4 · 21/07/2022 11:53

NO. He doesn't need to know what happened whilst you were separated. Move on OP!

WinterMusings · 21/07/2022 11:54

If wishes were fishes, beggars would eat.

You can't change anything, EXCEPT the hurt he will feel if you tell him now!

He didn't ask, you didn't tell, the moment has passed. Now you have to deal with feeling guilty, NOT off load this on to him.

You did something a bit unwise, but not wrong, put it where it belongs, in the past. Don't ruin what you have now by either telling or feeling bad.

the ONLY thing that would make me change my mind is if anyone else knows. Then it might be better to be the one to tell him.

MorrisZapp · 21/07/2022 11:57

You've done nowt wrong. There's absolutely no need to bring it up now.

SpilltheTea · 21/07/2022 12:04

You were both single and it was a long time ago. You need to let it go, not pass it on for him to bare.

KangarooKenny · 21/07/2022 12:06

You were on a break !

Scorpio8 · 21/07/2022 12:28

Say nothing and carry on. He can't do nothing anyway you were on a break. But he may not trust his mate around you. It could ruin their friendship.

VioletInsolence · 21/07/2022 12:37

Why would telling him make you feel less guilty? Surely it would make you feel more guilty to possibly ruin his relationship with you, his friendship with this man and leave him feeling devastated.

How is this logical? Please engage your brain!

Bb16103 · 21/07/2022 12:43

Oh my god
I’m all for honesty but,
you have gone this far without telling him.

I did something similar when I’d split from an ex & I was paralytic drunk & grieving, I regretted it straight away. It was a mutual friend of ours. Me & ex got back together months later & I was overjoyed but the regret & guilt was constantly there, I was a mess about what I’d done & it really affected the relationship, I was always anxious & stressed with shame & the fear he’d find out, I knew he’d never forgive it. Any time the mutual friend was mentioned by anyone in any context I’d be freaking out. I felt like a fraud daring to be in a relationship with him knowing that I’d betrayed him. Eventually he did find out, not from me, we were yet again broken up when he found out but I still loved him very much & the relationship was over for good, which may have been a blessing because it was so hard looking him in the face. It wasn’t a good relationship & had our problems but I really loved him (sounds false when I had done what I’d done, I know) but the guilt at how devastated he was when he found out, was honestly worse than anything. I felt absolutely terrible & there was nothing I could do to make it up to him. I had to watch him move on & know that we were completely over for good. My advice is if there is no chance of him finding out, don’t tell him just to ease your conscience.