I slept with my husband's friend

[clovermeadow]

My husband I split up 7 years ago. About 6 months after that, I slept with his friend.

About two years ago, my husband and I started to rekindle our relationship. We are now back together and things are soooo good.

However, I feel constant guilt about what happened with his friend. I want to tell him, to ease my guilt. But is that selfish of me as I know he will be devastated? It will also ruin his friendship. I wish, wish, wish I had never done it.

Thats such a tricky situation. Are they still friends? Would you want to know if he did the same thing with your best friend? Same set of circumstaces, a one-off, etc.? I would want to know personally, but I can see how it would open a can of worms and I would hate to be in your shoes. If I place myself in your ex/current partern's shoes I think it would raise trouble for me in that I would wonder I would wonder why my friend hadn't told me, given that you and your ex/current partner had a marriage.

You had been split a while and both single. You couldn't reasonably be expected to be celibate at that point. Not great that it was his friend but I honestly don't think you need to either punish yourself any longer privately or make waves by telling DP. Not sure I would lie if asked outright but I think at this point it is safe to assume.that what you said 'I don't want to know what happened while we were apart' applies to him too if he hasn't pushed for information. Try and move on. Nobody cheated.

If he has expressed interest in what went on when you were separated, then I would tell him. If he hasn't, I can't see what good it would do either.

If he has not asked, do not tell him. No good will come of it.

Just ask yourself why would you want to tell him? How would you feel if he told you he had shagged your best friend a few times whilst you were separated?

It sounds like he's still in contact with the friend which would make me very worried that he could find out one day if you don't tell him yourself first.

I think any possibility of future finding out is trumped by the fact that they already have an explicit agreement not to discuss who they saw during the separation. For all OP knows, he slept with 5 of her friends.

I would leave it OP
You were split up at that time .
Don't stress.

Because I wouldn’t want to sit across a table or be talking with the person not knowing they fucked my partner and I’m the only one who doesn’t know.
Talk about humiliation.

If I were your husband, I would want to know. It wouldn't bother me that you did but I would feel like an idiot talking to my friend all this time not knowing.

Really tough one.

On the one hand, if your DH didn’t know the guy I would say keep quiet. I agree with all PPs who’ve said it doesn’t matter anymore.

However, it was his friend. That connection means this is a secret that will get bigger as time passes, not smaller. Your husband’s reaction will potentially be exponentially worse as he will feel the two of you have hidden this from him for some time and he will possibly feel betrayed because it’s a secret only you and the friend know…. I would be nervous of it coming out accidentally and being far worse than of you told him.

For me, I would need to tell him. Mainly because I’m certain I’d eventually say it at the absolute wrong time. And because if the friend accidentally tells him first that would be awful.

You were separated. You did nothing wrong. I think honesty about it is the healthiest way to move forward. But that comes with risks.

Good luck OP. Xx

Don't tell him, but also don't lie to him. He'll probably never ask if you slept with anyone else but if he does say yes and don't say who, but don't lie about who it was i.e. saying it was a random man off tinder.

If he's asked what you did while you were apart then I think you have to be honest, if he doesn't want to know then don't tell him just to make yourself feel better. Does he still see a lot of the friend?

@clovermeadow
I'm in the line of it's better hearing from you than anyone else, so I say talk to him about it. It could break yous but if he hears it from someone else it will break yous anyway.

You were both single. What's the problem. But I don't get why people are always so worried about previous partners. People had a life before they met you. Its what happens when you are together that matters.

Some advice I was given years ago, about a different matter but it still holds.

You'll say your piece and then everyone will feel like shit, so what's the point

Really, don't.

Say nothing, as has previously been said ‘no good will come of this’. (is that a reference to Still Game by the way?)

It would be very selfish of you to tell him to ease your own guilt. All you would do is transfer the unhappiness from you to him. That’s not fair.

If you need to confess then go and see a priest or a vicar . You don’t have to be a member of their church or any church.

And / or book some sessions with a counsellor who will help you explore your feelings around this.

Does your husband still spend time with this same friend? How will you feel if your husband brings this friend home for dinner or arranges a lads night out or a few days away with his friend? Is this guy local, do you still see him around?

I'm sorry but I agree with this. If this comes out later he will feel betrayed that two people he cares about lied to him for so long.

I know someone this happened to. He felt devastated and humiliated when it eventually came out because he was still friends with this person while they continued to lie to him (well, lie by omission) and the partner and the friend had still been spending time together in their social circle. Nothing else happened after the ONS but the deceit was too much, every social event was questioned.

You didn't cheat, you're feeling guilty because of keeping a secret between you and his friend. I genuinely feel you should tell him and let him make his own mind up. I will bet he is more upset at his friend. You and your DH were separated - the friend was still just that and should have been loyal to him.

He may forgive both but if I was your husband I would want to know because I'd lose trust in both of you if I found out in another 10 years time.

Why when they weren’t together and things are great? We all have secrets

I hadn't read your post before I posted but you said it much better than me! I agree with you.

You really can’t think of a reason?
Soending time with a friend who fucked your partner, talking - laughing, being the only one who doesn’t know.
Making an idiot out of you.

Op didn’t ”do anything wrong”, but this should have not been kept a secret.
And there are secrets and then there are secrets.
But honesty is always a good idea, people should know what they are getting into.

It'll come out, sooner or later. That would stress me out so I'd have been honest. I've watched 2 couples, friends of mine, have a secret and both times it's come out because of a 3rd party. It's a ticking time bomb.

Because I wouldn’t want to sit across a table or be talking with the person not knowing they fucked my partner and I’m the only one who doesn’t know.
Talk about humiliation.

Absolutely this. If their friendship has dwindled in the intervening years then I guess keeping quiet might be the better option. But if they are still actively friends then dear god keeping that to yourself is a massive betrayal IMO and one that could really fuck up someone's head. He would feel absolutely humiliated.

Also does anyone else know? Are they part of a group of friends?