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Relationships

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Original poster

Do I forgive

70 replies

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:16

I have been with my partner for over two years and very happy for all that time, we had a baby boy last year and I found out when my baby was 4 months old that he had another child that he had never been involved in and ‘blocked’ out of his life as he was 17 at the time.
do I forgive someone I was once happy with and is it worth loosing a family over? I’m struggling to move on or ever trust him again and just can’t believe this secret … would you forgive something as big as this?
he also never came clean someone else told me…
please help it’s broken my heart 💜

OP posts:

Fabswingers · 20/07/2022 15:26

It’s up to you.
He was 17, teenagers are stupid. His he doing anything about it now or just leaving it?

Id be uncomfortable about it, but don’t know if I’d split my family up over it

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:30

Thank you x
No he’s still adamant that he wants nothing to do with the child .. although he’s a great dad to our son . I question his morales now ☹️

OP posts:

miltonj · 20/07/2022 15:31

I think the fact that he didn't tell you would be what we worry me. All the time you were pregnant etc and he didn't tell you. It's a big part of who he is and a huge secret to keep. I understand him not dealing with it well at 17, but to not tell you now, speaks a lot about his ability to be honest. I don't know if I'd break a family up, but I'd need a huge, honest conversation with him, about 1: why he didn't tell me.
2: how he feels about it now
3: what he plans to do about it now eg. Is he going to try for contact.

And depending on his answers and willing to be vulnerable and open with you, that would answer wether I would stay with him.

Thehonestybox · 20/07/2022 15:31

It's a terrible secret, but I think it's worth having a conversation about. I completely understand making that decision when you're 17 - everyone ages at different rates and some amazing teenagers face up to the challenge, but 17 is still a kid and I don't think he can be judged for it.

Have a conversation and see if he has regrets. If he literally has NONE, I would feel unsure. But if he does, I don't think would break up over it.

StrangeCondition · 20/07/2022 15:36

Him wanting nothing to do with the child would make me ditch him to be honest, what if you split up, would he just walk away from your child?

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:46

Maybe I sound naive in saying this but he adores our son and I doubt he would ever abandon him. He was never involved in the first child’s life from day one

OP posts:

takeitandleaveit · 20/07/2022 15:52

How old is your dp now?

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:53

Thank you x
this is my doubts as he is adamant he feels nothing for this child and has blocked everything to do with it from his mind… which in my head makes him a bad person even though before this I had no reason ever to doubt him and hes an amazing father to our son …

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:54

28 x

OP posts:

Babdoc · 20/07/2022 15:56

Does he support his first child financially? Or did he just abandon his responsibilities and leave the mother to cope alone?
I don’t think I would be able to love a selfish, callous child deserter.

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:59

Hmm I know.. The mum was young but adamant she wanted a baby whether he was involved or not (they only knew each other for about two months) so he’s never been involved , nor have his family. So no money / time anything been spent on this child
not that it makes it right of course ….

OP posts:

WeeOrcadian · 20/07/2022 16:01

You're a bigger man than me, for even considering forgiving this.

He had plenty of time to -make excuses- tell you, and he didn't. That would tell me all I'd need to know about him.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2022 16:02

Okay he was 17 but so many 17-year-old boys are really lovely and could never turn their back on a new baby. Since he's grown up, he could easily have contributed financially and checked how the child was even if he didn't want contact. I would go right off him now.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 20/07/2022 16:03

I wouldn’t forgive. I can understand a 17 year old being a bit shit in that situation but at 28 to have made no effort at all… vile.

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 16:06

I agree and I would have walked away and not even heard him out if it was just a relationship but I have to taken into account we were a happy family literally just before this came out and my son is still very young. I need to decide if it’s worth throwing away 😭

OP posts:

zizzis · 20/07/2022 16:13

No not for me. Not something I could forgive. You would think having a child later on in life would switch something on inside of him to try form a relationship with the older child.

I understand he was young but he's 28 now and a dad himself and still extremely stubborn by the sounds.

My grandad wanted absolutely nothing to do with my uncle. He had a relationship with my dad but didn't want to know my uncle and took it to his grave. I always resented my grandad for it and it didn't directly involve me.

Not something I could deal with in a partner.

sheildmaiden · 20/07/2022 16:15

I've experienced it first hand and I will never understand how someone does that. I was 16 when I fell pregnant with my eldest. My ex up and left when I had to announce I was pregnant. He was 17. He promised me he would be there and he vanished during the night. On Christmas Eve off all nights too. My son is now 17, I've not heard a peep or anything from him or his family. He just vanished, I know from mutual friends he moved away. My son is amazing, charming, clever young man and he missed out on all of that. I will never understand how they can go about their day to day life with out even a second thought about their children. I couldn't be with someone like that after knowing the pain and stress it is as the mum and raising that child.

Staynow · 20/07/2022 16:28

Can he not see it from the child's point of view? He may feel nothing for this child - and maybe that's easier when you've never seen or had anything to do with them as you can pretend they don't exist (as it sounds like he is) - but that child is always going to be wondering about his father, wondering why he walked away, why he wasn't wanted. And if that child grows up and finds out his dad had another child that he loved and doted on........what impact is that going to have on them?

It's a conversation I'd have to have and if he still couldn't see why he should be trying to contact his child and tell them he's so sorry he let them down as a dad but he's was too young and immature to realise what he was missing out on and he hopes he can start trying to make up for it in some small way - well I'd be wondering if he has any empathy.

He needs to demonstrate that he's a grown up now.

MintJulia · 20/07/2022 16:28

He's had 11 years to mature and come to terms with this. And yet he continues to pretend the child doesn't exist. That's pretty shabby.

What will you do if the child turns up on your doorstep one day?

Bearing in mind, that child is your little boy's sibling.....

NalaNana · 20/07/2022 16:30

You haven't said how he is as a father but as you wrote that you've been happy I assume that he's a good father to your child.

If I were you, I wouldn't want to deprive myself or my child of what seems to be a great partner and dad because of the past. Some might say that he isn't capable of being those things because of the past, however they haven't lived your day in, day out experience of him for over two years.

MintJulia · 20/07/2022 16:33

The other thing is that if your dp died, that child has as much of a claim over dp's estate as your son.

I hope your DP is taking it seriously because it could cost you both dear. Does he owe the CMS any money? If the child goes into tertiary education, your DP has up to another decade of liability for maintenance. There are a lot of questions and ignoring them is a risky strategy.

stupidly · 20/07/2022 16:34

It's a huge secret to keep.

I think I'd be looking in to why he kept that from me. Why couldn't he share who he is with you.

That child is a person with feelings and needs and being abandoned by a parent is huge and generally awful. What he did is a massive thing. And he just didn't mention it.

WinterMusings · 20/07/2022 16:37

Bloody MN is still eating messages!!

the fact he could lie to you about this would do it for me!

mistakes at 17 are one thing, to lie about it at his age is quite another. If he can lie about this, he'll lie about anything.

do yourself a HUGE favour & leave him.

Original poster

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 16:39

All valid points and all things that have crossed my mind and stressed me out!
for context , my partner (well not currently) was in care at the time the child was born and has ‘blocked’ out these years of his life, the mother has since moved on and had more children With different fathers so I’m not sure how turbulent that is. Which does worry me , as I know that is an innocent child but I worry that could influence my young son who’s had a very happy stable home until this point

OP posts:

Gsds · 20/07/2022 16:50

No way would I forgive that. The initial abandonment maybe? The lie - no. The lack of effort to make a mens since he’s matured- no. The fact he has an 11 year old he’s happy to pretend doesn’t exist - no. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone who did that. Abhorrent behaviour, his poor child!

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