Do I forgive

[Sunshinelover22]

I have been with my partner for over two years and very happy for all that time, we had a baby boy last year and I found out when my baby was 4 months old that he had another child that he had never been involved in and ‘blocked’ out of his life as he was 17 at the time.
do I forgive someone I was once happy with and is it worth loosing a family over? I’m struggling to move on or ever trust him again and just can’t believe this secret … would you forgive something as big as this?
he also never came clean someone else told me…
please help it’s broken my heart 💜

I think we can all understand how difficult that must of been for him at 17. And it does sound like he had a difficult childhood. Maybe he just can't because it would open up his past - which could in turn cause a whole load of other issues.

But 11 years has passed by. I would of hoped he would of grown into a man who realised he has responsibilities by now and he needs to deal with the consequences regardless of his past.

Thank you for your advice and I completely agree. And I do think very little of him in terms of being a man and abandoning his responsibilities, I guess it’s just hard as I was completely shocked by this and didn’t think it would be in him to do this!! And until this revelation I was really very happy and had a happy family.
what he’s done is awful and I agree completely but it plays on my mind it was a different time, he’s been an amazing dad to our son and that there would be another child growing up in a broken home and it’s a big decision to break up a family
thanks though really appreciate it a

I couldn’t get past this and don’t think you should. He lied to you every day since you met.

,....nor have his family. So no money / time anything been spent on this child

Fk, his family are as bad as him.

I know a few people who've kids have gotten into similar situations- babies in youthful, unstable relationships ... the parents (grandparents of the child) always reached out, tried to maintain contact, offered money, tried to see the child regularly and babysit them etc. Because they're decent people.
His family must be a right shower too ... that would make me view them quire badly.

But 11 years has passed by. I would of hoped he would of grown into a man who realised he has responsibilities by now and he needs to deal with the consequences regardless of his past.

This.

Both in terms of offering even just maintenance towards his child (at least) and also in being honest about hos existence.

Pretending the child doesnt exist while hes a teenager, one thing... pretending he doesn't exist - including bringing a child into the world with a woman and not telling her - in late 20s ..... it dies not speak of a mature, decent, honest, well rounded individual.

the mother has since moved on and had more children With different fathers so I’m not sure how turbulent that is.

And your partner and his family could have been a bulwark of security, stability, comfort, guidance etc to his child in that background, an alternative family/place... they could have advocated for him if they thought abythungvwas truly concerning or not right .... but instead they've abandoned him to whatever luck throws at him in terms of "stepfathers".

Shitty people, your partner at the forefront. It sounds like he had a rough upbringing sk ge of all people should have known how vulnerable kids can be and how much they need stability and someone looking out for them.

Not to mention if he'd paid maintenance as he should have, his child would probably have had a comfortable upbringing, home etc. If they thought the Mum would mis- spend it they could've bought things for him directly.

Sorry but someone who behaves like this because they made a mistake/it wasn't what they wanted or intended; but is "wonderful" when they choose it..... they aren't a truly decent person.

A truly decent person would be responsible whether they chose it or not. Because it was still as a result of their actions, and the child didn't choose to be created. They should be put first, but your partner himself first and pretended they didn't exist.

And he's kept that up to nearly 30, with no sign of changing and lied by omission o his partner & mother of his 2nd child.

His child deserved at least some financial support. (In my view he also deserved some protection and care).

You deserved to know.

He did neither.

You've even warned, with a big blaring signal, about the character of your partner.

*You've been warned

It’s the fact that he’s still not seeing or supporting his child that would bother me the most. It’s really depressing to see that you consider him to be a good dad when he is very evidently terrible.

Well no not really...she didn't know did she? I don't think for a second that op would of continued the relationship with this man and absolutely not gone on to have a child with him if she knew of his past. She's absolutely distraught by this and rightly so.

And to be fair - he can be a fantastic father to her child. Ops child should not suffer in this.

Her whole post is about how she sees him in a different light now. However that should not stop him continuing to be a father to her child.

yes you’ve hit the nail on the head.
im not asking if what he’s done is right or wrong as it’s clearly wrong and awful behaviour which I absolutely do not condone and I can feel the frustration in the opinions on this post.
im asking if I try to forgive and protect my family as he has always been a good dad and partner in my situation now (obviously minus the lying about this). It’s my child and family I have to think of and take priority in protecting and making my decision based on my son. Obviously if I was to forgive him and keep my family together, the other child wouldn’t remain ignored as it couldn’t be part of that.
thanks for your opinions though! I guess I’m asking is a bad person always going to be a bad person ….

You’re not making yourself a priority. Why would you put up with knowing the extent to which he lied to you? He didn’t give you all the information you needed or deserved about deciding whether or not to date him, commit to him, have a child with him. He betrayed you in one of the most serious ways I can imagine.

If you’d known about it and wouldn’t have stayed with him then he’s got you by deception.

I've been banding this round in my head.

Yes, he was young. I agree. Being young doesn't absolve or negate your responsibilities though. He's had a long time to make contact, be a part of his child's life. He hasn't. He hasn't done anything.

Also - what else has he lied about? If he can lie about his child, what smaller things has he neglected to tell you, or outright lied about?

For context, my son was the child in this situation, although his father was 26 when he was born. Son is now 23 and had never had contact with his father or any of his family. Nor financial support.

I can also see how and why he can have got to this stage without having made contact or wanting to disclose it. I can also understand how the circumstances in his own life led to it happening - for all the posters concerned with the future impact on his first child, the same may well apply to him.

I think I would he sitting down with him and discussing it openly and honestly with him. I wouldn't end the relationship over it. Not unless I found his views or responses intolerable because he is a good dad to the child he is raising now and that child doesn't deserve to lose his father either.

As for those saying he's done it once, now the OP knows what he'd do if they split up, that is nonsense. It might be true but he is a very different person, presently, to the one he was then. He may well (mistakenly of course) believe that least said, soonest mended and let sleeping dogs lie. If he's never actually talked this through with anyone, his beliefs/thoughts on the situation won't have had the opportunity to mature.

I'm 48. When I reflect back on my life so far, I did things I wasn't proud of and have made great efforts to never repeat those mistakes. I haven't necessarily shared them with anyone but I've come to it myself. I hadn't done by 28 though. I was still making the mistakes then!

Also, after this amount of time, there would be a huge amount if reparation to be made with the mother before he was allowed anywhere near the child!

If, after 11 years, my son's father had turned up out of the blue there is no way he'd have just been allowed to become part of his life. He'd have had to prove himself to me first.

Also - what else has he lied about? If he can lie about his child, what smaller things has he neglected to tell you, or outright lied about?

It sounds more like he has blocked an entire part of his life out rather than he casually or maliciously lied to the OP.

Oh well Op, if he didn’t have kids I would say he doesn’t know what he was missing but if he doesn’t start to wonder what has been of his child or show some regret in the next years as he sees your baby grow up…. be warned, if you split, he can move on from you and drop your kid like a hot potato the moment he moves on with his life.

I would keep that at the back of my mind and, whatever you do, don’t become financially dependent of him.

The care system is a mess, unfortunately many teens in it are unsupported and indulge in risky behaviours, and also don’t have a great frame of reference for becoming a parent. Perhaps he is ashamed. And if you say he has blocked out that time in his life - perhaps there is some trauma there and he needs to access counselling. I can see how this would be a huge shock but I don’t think it’s quite the same as a 17yo with a stable family background ditching a child.

If he was 17 makes me wonder how old was the girl he got pregnant, and then just leaving her to deal with it all on her own.

He says he does not want a relationship with the child, you should question his morals. I doubt the child would want a relationship with him after all theses years of abandonment anyway.

Your child is your child, planned or not, with the right/wrong person, he cannot just deny him and pretend he does not exist, there is an 11 year old out there probably wondering where/ who his father is.

He seems shade, I'm sorry.

This is the most sensible post I've read on this thread.

The lack of understanding on here is incredible.

Well if he was in care himself, he hardly comes from a stable background that would likely have been of much support to a new mother.

How long were you with him before you got pregnant?
Was it planned?
How well do you really know him?

Of course his behaviour is not good.

But a 17 year old in care is very vulnerable himself.
What was going on with his family that he was put in care?

I think OP you need to protect yourself.
Stay working and do not rush into another child.

What does he do for a living?

I would not combine finances with him.

It sounds as if he blocked out the child combined with that period of his life.

Definitely not right, but understandable due to his youth.

It sounds as if you don't know him that well, so be very cautious.

@Sunshinelover22 i would want to know why he didn’t see the child and whether he wants to now? Perhaps he wants to put all that behind him, I think at 17 I can have SOME sympathy with walking away especially if his family didn’t see the child either? What a terrible example to set. But if he feels upset and you can tell it’s troubled him then it think that is something you could move on from. I agree though that people are often not what they seem. I’d be wary, ive been burned myself by a man who wasn’t what I thought.

Your boyfriend woke up every day for eleven years and counting, and chose child abandonment. Chose to traumatise a new generation and deprive your kid of his sibling. Why would you be breaking up your family if you dumped your liar boyfriend? That’s on him. And he would still need to parent his new kid he made with you.

You know for a fact now the depths this man will sink to, the depravity needed to have your kid and relationship built on a total sham. 17yr old-whatever. He’s had over a decade since and chooses to be a scumbag.

There's a little 11 year old out there thinking their father doesn't give a shit about them, and they're right. I could never get over this.

But it's not about his past! It's about the present, in which he continues to ignore a little son who has been brought up in difficult circumstances. The PPs saying he was vulnerable, may have blocked things from his mind because of trauma etc, are talking about the 17-year-old boy he was in care. And fair enough. I have some sympathy with the 17-year-old.

But 11 years have passed and he is now a grown man in a steady relationship, and with a second child. It's his attitude now that disgusts people.

He knows he has an 11-year-old son who's never known a father, just had had a string of men staying a while with his mother and moving on. His paternal family are all equally negligent and his mother's family seem dysfunctional. This upsets me, and I'm only reading about it!

He could still help that child, and even try to build a relationship with him. I wouldn't blame the boy if he told his useless father to go to hell, but you could make progress with perseverence, counselling, generosity, patience. It's not optional, in my view.

I think the OP hopes to make him start doing something for the child. But in answer to her question is a bad person always going to be a bad person? I'd say he wasn't necessarily bad at 17, but he certainly is bad now and intends to stay so.

OP should also think how this selfish, neglectful man would behave if they have a child with special needs? If she herself became ill or disabled?