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Original poster

Do I forgive

70 replies

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:16

I have been with my partner for over two years and very happy for all that time, we had a baby boy last year and I found out when my baby was 4 months old that he had another child that he had never been involved in and ‘blocked’ out of his life as he was 17 at the time.
do I forgive someone I was once happy with and is it worth loosing a family over? I’m struggling to move on or ever trust him again and just can’t believe this secret … would you forgive something as big as this?
he also never came clean someone else told me…
please help it’s broken my heart 💜

OP posts:

Littlepaws18 · 22/07/2022 22:03

I completely understand why you feel utterly betrayed by this revelation into his past, but I'm a great believer in virtue ethics- it's not the action it's the motivation behind the action and what he does after that counts.

So he was 17 he left because he was overwhelmed and because he didn't have the capacity to be responsible. That last a reason that you could understand (if that's his reasoning)

He is no longer 17 and he now has that responsibility. He is showing that he is capable and he can be a good parent and partner. Now he is in that position and it's all out in the open I would expect his views of abandoning his first child to change as he's apparently older and wiser. Maybe becoming involved in the child's life might be difficult and not fair on the child until they become an adult, but financially I'd expect him to bear responsibility. Even if that's a case of putting aside money every month then presenting it to his child when they are older. It's never too late to be responsible.

I think I would struggle like you with inaction. Whether he was 17 at the time is now no longer are valid reason, he's older and should understand the impact his actions would have caused his first born.

WhiteLiliesAndRedRoses · 23/07/2022 07:51

Having experienced severe childhood trauma, including a period in care, I can well understand how he could still be making the choice now.

It would be how he responded after talking properly with the OP that would be the deciding factor for me, I think.

There are elements of my trauma that still affect me daily and I'm 20 years older than he is and it still informs my decisions on a daily basis.

In this respect, this is a part of his life where he is still that 17 year old boy.

savethatkitty · 23/07/2022 08:49

Given the context, I think you should not write him off. It was a long time ago, he was a different person. I'm going to play devils advocate. He wasn't ready to be a father at the time, whereas the mother decided to continue with the pregnancy. Should he therefore be bound for 18 years. I think its a bot odd he's never mentioned it, but if he has zero contact, what really is there to say...

Parkperson00 · 23/07/2022 14:35

Mothers are allowed to have their baby adopted birth and have nothing more to do with them. There was a thread on here a long while back from a wife and mother who had her first child adopted and she was terrified he would turn up at eighteen as she had never told her husband or her other children. There was a lot of MN support for her.
Also

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1319268/amp/Sorry-Ive-sense-mother-The-long-lost-son-New-Tricks-star-Susan-Jameson-reveals-heartbreaking-rejection.html

Parkperson00 · 23/07/2022 14:37

Sorry this actress always refused to see her son she gave up for adoption. Again, so much support for her in MN.
I think if you give up a child for adoption you may have no sense of being a parent in some cases

rainrelief · 23/07/2022 14:44

Sunshinelover22 · 20/07/2022 15:30

Thank you x
No he’s still adamant that he wants nothing to do with the child .. although he’s a great dad to our son . I question his morales now ☹️

I would question his morals too. He sounds like someone who only sees and values people for what they bring to his life, rather than seeing them as people in their own right with their own needs.

A parent cutting themselves out of a child’s life is one of the shittest things one person can do to smother. It’s an absolutely terrible thing he is doing to his other child and he clearly doesn’t give a crap, or is prioritizing his feelings over his own child’s. I’d consider that unforgivable.

I could never see him in the same way again.

sorry OP.

rainrelief · 23/07/2022 14:51

He clearly doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, so what would forgiveness mean in this context?

if he has sorted his shit out, he could have been a stable influence in the child’s life. And not even paying to raise his child. Utterly abhorrent.

I just couldn’t respect him. And a relationship without respect is a lost cause. It would be a pretence if a relationship.

glitterfarts · 23/07/2022 14:56

I think the fact he was in care makes it very different than if he had a "normal" stable family upbringing. A friend fosters teenage boys. They don't react the same as their peers and aren't mature at all.
There's possibly a lot more in his past he's blocking out and trying desperately not to remember.

I think he needs your empathy as he clearly has had a shit childhood, trauma, possibly abuse or neglect. It's a fairly big threshold to remove a child.

Perhaps in the future it is something he will come to terms with.

greatblueheron · 23/07/2022 15:05

LooseGoose22 · 20/07/2022 21:53

the mother has since moved on and had more children With different fathers so I’m not sure how turbulent that is.

And your partner and his family could have been a bulwark of security, stability, comfort, guidance etc to his child in that background, an alternative family/place... they could have advocated for him if they thought abythungvwas truly concerning or not right .... but instead they've abandoned him to whatever luck throws at him in terms of "stepfathers".

Shitty people, your partner at the forefront. It sounds like he had a rough upbringing sk ge of all people should have known how vulnerable kids can be and how much they need stability and someone looking out for them.

Spot on.

He's either matured or he hasn't. If he has, there's zero excuse for not trying to correct his abandonment. Why? Because he knows exactly how his child might be feeling and what he might be going through stability-wise while having to deal with a whirlwind of his mother's 'relationships'

And if hasn't matured, then I'd like to think you'd have run a mile instead of having a baby with him. So I'm assuming he has....

Cheeptweet · 23/07/2022 15:13

I'm so torn about this. Part of me wants to shout that he's an adult now and should at least have fostered a relationship with his son by now.

The other part of me understands what he has done. I work with children in care and they are excellent at Compartmentalization - because they have to be to survive. You can't just turn off trauma and pain just because you get older. I can't even begin to imagine the pain he is in. Kids in care feel throw away and unlovable, maybe he didn't feel worthy of being a dad? Maybe in his head he was able to 'throw away' his child because that was his normal.

I think I'd need to talk to him OP to get insight into his thoughts and feelings.

Counselling would help him unpick his trauma.

ClareBlue · 23/07/2022 15:57

There are literally 10s of thousands of women who prevent their children having a father in their life every year by choosing to have children without the father knowing, or them even knowing who the father is or getting pregnant with no intention of letting the father have any role. Because they have what they see as a need for children but are not prepared to do it as a two parent exercise, never mind as a couple. Then those ones who prevent access after a separation where they weaponise their children. Those that chose to have a baby when the father has made it very clear he doesn't and never see him again.
They don't seem to get a pile on about their moral standing as humans. So why the demonising of this decision.
He was 17 and in care and never seen the child. How can he even relate to the situation. This doesn't make him a bad person or incapable of being a good dad to his new child.

bloodyplanes · 23/07/2022 16:21

It was obviously a mistake he made as a foolish teenager. He wasn't given an option out of it so he decided he didn't want any of it. To be honest he's probably done the right thing and given that child a much happier upbringing than if it had be raised by two teenagers ( one of whom was resentful and didn't want to be a parent). However there is no excuse for him keeping it a secret from you, that would have me questioning my relationship if i was in that situation.

sageandrosemary · 23/07/2022 16:31

No, it's disgusting.

rainrelief · 23/07/2022 16:39

bloodyplanes · 23/07/2022 16:21

I have never heard such man-excusing shite. His child has a happier upbringing because his poorer as his father isn’t even providing maintenance?! What nonsense!

He wasn’t given an option so it’s justifiable to just reject his child altogether!?

it may be his traumatic upbringing is at play here. But I would not want a relationship with someone whose trauma affects them this deeply. And I say that as someone who has experience of a relationship with someone with trauma due to childhood issues. Never again!

And honestly, he’s an adult now. He should be able to face his trauma enough to at least arrange child maintenance payments. It’s a hard ask to believe he can’t mansge his trauma enough to Centre his own child even this much.

bloodyplanes · 24/07/2022 00:42

@rainrelief not man excusing but child excusing! You actually believe that having a resentful teenager forced into parenthood would have been good for that child? Well as a child who's "father" wasn't interested because he was also a "selfish teenager" i can honestly tell you that you can't miss what you have never had! Yes he is an adult now but even if his feelings towards the child had changed what right does he have to just walk back into the child's life? As for paying towards the upbringing, maybe the mother doesn't want his money? If she was bothered about it she would have gone to the CMS!

Appleblum · 24/07/2022 02:01

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

17 is really young and it sounds like he was in a vulnerable situation himself. He seems to have pretty much blocked out that part of his life... I can't blame him for that, it's how some people cope with trauma in their lives. I'm not saying it right or healthy, but it is what it is, and growing older and becoming an adult is not going to make it magically go away.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation... I think I wouldn't break up my own family over this, but my opinion of him would change and I don't know if that'll lead to issues in the marriage in the future.

tootiredforanything · 24/07/2022 02:08

You have to remember that but only was your DP 17, but he was also in the care system, which made him vulnerable himself.

tootiredforanything · 24/07/2022 02:10

(Sorry, posted too soon) ...

How did you find out about his first child and what was your partner's response when you spoke to him about it?

MiWadiMyChoice · 24/07/2022 02:52

Who told you, and why?

QueenCamilla · 24/07/2022 03:10

I would not break up my family over this.

I can imagine being a husband to a woman who gave away a baby for adoption at 17 (and in care herself ) . I wouldn't even pick that scab. I'd offer support with whatever decision feels right for her.
I can't see this situation being that much different.

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