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Original poster

Have I been really stupid…

69 replies

LL1906 · 20/07/2022 09:48

I met my current partner at work. Him and his wife split up during lock down, we got together a year and a half ago (about 6 months after they split up).
Firstly, I’d like to add that I really love this guy. We get on really great, it’s been a brilliant year and a half. He is genuinely a nice guy, but I wonder if I’m seeing things through rose tinted glasses.
He has yet to tell his ex wife that I exist. He has a great relationship with her (which I encourage, i see no reason why they shouldn’t get on great). They regularly go for family days out with their boys, but it just feels a bit dishonest that she doesn’t know about me… a bit like he’s leading a double life? His family don’t know about me either and he’s yet to post on social media acknowledging my existence.
I’ve spoken to him about this 3 times now, of which he’s said he will tell her and he doesn’t.
He recently went through his financial separation and has decided to buy a flat, I’m delighted for him but he’s taken a 5 year mortgage deal… which was a bit of a kick in the gut if I’m being honest. It just means that we won’t be able to live together for a very long time, I didn’t expect it to be that long. He had 2,3 and 5 year options and chose the 5.
I’d be more ok with this if he lead a life that was very separate to mine, but he literally spends every evening at my house and eats with my family every night. I pay for everything in our relationship as he was a bit strapped before now (I’m the breadwinner between us) but he is happy for me to pay for every coffee we go out for, every take away, every meal we go out for. I can’t remember him ever paying.
After writing all this down, I realise I’m being a total idiot. 🙄 I think I just needed to see it for myself.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 20/07/2022 09:51

It's ultimatum time.

Original poster
LL1906 · 20/07/2022 09:52

I know. 😕 I didn’t want to be that person who said “you’d better do what I say or that’s it” but it’s more than I can cope with.

OP posts:
newbiename · 20/07/2022 09:56

The 5 year fix was possibly cheaper ? It's irrelevant. I think he should tell his wife now though , maybe he didn't want to tell her before the financial details were sorted ?

mummymeister · 20/07/2022 09:57

blimey! here's a man who has his cake and eats it. family time with wife when he wants it, girlfriend subsidising him and catering for all his other needs. No wonder he doesnt want this set up to end. who would. nothing changes if nothing changes and you have to be the agent of change in this relationship. time to tell him how you feel and how you want to take things forward. otherwise in 2027 you will be posting again about how he has moved flat and taken another mortgage without you etc. if you have a great relationship then being honest has to be the way.

Liorae · 20/07/2022 09:57

Get rid of the cock lodger, you deserve better and will find better.

Pinkbonbon · 20/07/2022 10:00

Oh sod that for a lark.

I don't even think its ultimatum time. He has made it perfectly clear where you stand.

I mean, 'family days out' why? That's not normal if he has split from his wife and has a gf. Totally disrespectful to you.

Also taking the piss financially.
If he has started out this way then he will continue.

I think I'd be inclined to cut my losses.
But if you want to give him a last chance to tell his 'ex' partner, make sure he does. I actually think I'd want to meet her ASAP too. So you can be sure he hasn't been sleeping with her the whole time you've been dating and just told her you are a new gf.

Gaveitall · 20/07/2022 10:02

Yes! You are mad to continue.
He’s a cocklodger.
Kick him into touch or stop stop being so generous and free with your support & kindness.
He’s not that into you and you are not his mother.

fedup078 · 20/07/2022 10:03

Why did they split up ? Although I bet you won't actually know the truth of that

I'm glad you said that @Pinkbonbon as I recently found out my ex is seeing someone else while still trying to get me to go on family days out. Luckily I had refused . He couldn't understand why I was pissed off about this

GoT1904 · 20/07/2022 10:05

Yeah I don't like this. The flat thing I wouldn't read too much into, but his ex not knowing you exist is really very odd to me. Especially when they've been split up 2 years. And even if his wife doesn't know.. what about his friends and family? If they don't either then there's definitely something up.

inmyslippers · 20/07/2022 10:05

This man is a leach. Enjoying best of both worlds here at everyone else's expense

TulipVictory · 20/07/2022 10:06

Is this a joke?! You are his meal ticket, wake up and smell the coffee! He obviously knows he does not want a future with you which is clear from the way he is treating you and you are letting it happen. No one even knows you exist which is exactly the way he wants it whilst he gets everything given to him on a plate (by you) for free. Imagine how much money he has actually saved in these times. Please move on with your life, it is far too short to be messed around like this.

easyday · 20/07/2022 10:11

I don't see how him buying a flat stops you moving in together.
But after all this time I'd tell him he either needs to acknowledge you to his kids and inform his ex or you are re-evaluating the relationship.

Beercrispsandnuts · 20/07/2022 10:14

Wow there’s paying for it and then there’s this, why are you paying this man to be with you?

Honeyroar · 20/07/2022 10:14

I don’t understand what the deal is about the flat either. It that aside, he’s not a great catch for you.

Blanca87 · 20/07/2022 10:21

For starters, I would stop paying for him, he really is taking advantage of you here. The rest I would be less bothered about. If this relationship doesn’t feel good for you just leave and meet someone that deserves your love. It sounds like you are settling but just don’t realise it yet.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/07/2022 10:22

The mortgage is the least of the issues: if I were him I wouldn’t be basing my long term living and financial options on a short term rebound girlfriend either.

The rest, why on earth have you thought this was a good relationship for a year and a half? What are you getting out of it? Surely you’re not so unusually hideous that you think this is the only man out there for you?

Beercrispsandnuts · 20/07/2022 10:23

Blanca87 · 20/07/2022 10:21

For starters, I would stop paying for him, he really is taking advantage of you here. The rest I would be less bothered about. If this relationship doesn’t feel good for you just leave and meet someone that deserves your love. It sounds like you are settling but just don’t realise it yet.

Agree the living together is the least of th issues. He needs to start paying his way, if he refuses and ends it if she stops paying for him then she knows it was always as she was paying for him.

I mean he even gets his dinner every night,

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/07/2022 10:28

I don't think the mortgage is a big deal. But not telling ANYONE about you for 18 months and you paying for everything?!! He doesn't even pay for a coffee?!! That's appalling. He's using you. He gets sex and everything paid for while he gets to play a family man. I wouldn't trust him in the slightest. This man doesn't care for you, he just cares for himself.

It isn't ultimatum time, it's dumping time. Get rid of him and next time find someone who actually cares about you.

djdkdkddkek · 20/07/2022 10:28

I have no idea how you can find this man attractive
you literally pay for him? yuk

although I would love this arrangement myself. Family days out where Iget to play the doting parent, girls friends family treating me like a king and a girlfriend who sustains my lifestyle and still shags me
god what a life!

WatchWatchWatchMe · 20/07/2022 10:31

The freeloading thing would bother me more than anything to be honest. My ex was like this, really careful with his own money but no shame in letting me pay for meals etc. As soon as I cottoned onto this a couple of months down the line I got the ick. He was gone.

Beamur · 20/07/2022 10:33

Leech and a cocklodger.
Sorry OP but you are being taken for a total mug here.

knackeredagain · 20/07/2022 10:36

I can see the sense in a five year mortgage deal in the current climate, but that isn’t your biggest problem here. He is literally allowing you to pay for your time with him.

What would happen if you stopped paying?

As for the ex wife, when is he planning on telling her? Is the divorce finalised now, because if he had some warped view that she would get difficult about things if she knew about you, then that’s no longer an issue.

I always hark back to the old expression - mean with money, mean with love. I find stinginess a massive turn off.

LadyEloise1 · 20/07/2022 10:39

Oh Lordy he's taking you for a ride ( and a mug ).
Please dump him.

Homewardbound2022 · 20/07/2022 10:41

Total sponger.

crimsonlake · 20/07/2022 10:43

You are paying for every single thing? Sorry how did you allow that to start and what reason does he give for not contributing? After the first couple of times that would have been red flags for me.
As for purchasing a house for himself at least this means he is moving on form his ex, but I couldn't be with a man such as this. sorry.