Have I been really stupid…

[LL1906]

I met my current partner at work. Him and his wife split up during lock down, we got together a year and a half ago (about 6 months after they split up).
Firstly, I’d like to add that I really love this guy. We get on really great, it’s been a brilliant year and a half. He is genuinely a nice guy, but I wonder if I’m seeing things through rose tinted glasses.
He has yet to tell his ex wife that I exist. He has a great relationship with her (which I encourage, i see no reason why they shouldn’t get on great). They regularly go for family days out with their boys, but it just feels a bit dishonest that she doesn’t know about me… a bit like he’s leading a double life? His family don’t know about me either and he’s yet to post on social media acknowledging my existence.
I’ve spoken to him about this 3 times now, of which he’s said he will tell her and he doesn’t.
He recently went through his financial separation and has decided to buy a flat, I’m delighted for him but he’s taken a 5 year mortgage deal… which was a bit of a kick in the gut if I’m being honest. It just means that we won’t be able to live together for a very long time, I didn’t expect it to be that long. He had 2,3 and 5 year options and chose the 5.
I’d be more ok with this if he lead a life that was very separate to mine, but he literally spends every evening at my house and eats with my family every night. I pay for everything in our relationship as he was a bit strapped before now (I’m the breadwinner between us) but he is happy for me to pay for every coffee we go out for, every take away, every meal we go out for. I can’t remember him ever paying.
After writing all this down, I realise I’m being a total idiot. 🙄 I think I just needed to see it for myself.

You feed him every day & he doesn't pay for coffee when you go out !

Do you have children ?

STOP TODAY

YOU are not his MOTHER or his WIFE !

He can feed himself

How rude of him, not to offer to pay, cook, clean

FFS !

Have been really stupid ?

YES

I’m not sure why the mortgage is an issue for you but the fact that he hasn’t split up with his wife and you are the OW isn’t an issue.

I think you need to wake up op before this goes any further.

Oh, OP. This is really sad to read. Why have you accepted a relationship where you pay for everything and how can you find him attractive when he lets you do this? I can only imagine your self-esteem must be very low because you don’t seem to realise that you deserve so much better. This guy isn’t nice, OP. He’s a user. He should be ashamed of himself.

You've explained what you think you know about his situation - basically what he has told you but what was your situation before this - I sense you have been picked and possibly exploited because you are in a vulnerable position - lonely, separated, desperate, lacking in confidence? It sounds as simple as he is taking advantage of you because it suits him and it's easy. Did he not discuss anything with you about him making the decision to buy a flat and get a mortgage? Doesn't that tell you that he is reconstructing his life around himself and you don't even figure in it - possibly he's aware you may not want to be in it when you wake up and smell the coffee? How can you let him walk al over you like this? Some of the things you wrote in your OP tell me you are nice person - no need to take it too far though - start putting yourself first for a change.

Oh OP, I can't decide if I most want to comfort you or shake you.

Are 'family days out' a handy way to have quality time with the kids while the wife still takes responsibility for them? In my day they just took the kids straight round their mum's but this sounds like an even better deal. Then off to the gf for a nice supper. Do men ever grow up? (Rhetorical)

Sorry you're in this situation OP, I can see how it would just develop until you suddenly think 'Hang on...' and the mortgage seems like the catalyst.

Can someone explain why having a mortgage means they can't live together for 5 years? Really confused about that...?

Op please dump him, he is not a nice man he is a shit. He is living off you and he is ok with that. He is ashamed of you, hiding your relationship and your ok with that.
You deserve to be loved and happy in a relationship and treated like a meal ticket and a dirty secret.

I don't think I'd be worried about the 5 year mortgage deal as that's probably a cheaper option for him. Or, as much that he hasn't told his ex wife. I'd be more frustrated by the lack of funding of his own eating etc. Coffees out, meals out, activities, this needs to be shared! Or, find cheaper options you're both happy with. Either way, you need to work out what you are happy with and set your boundaries again.

Are you absolutely sure he is separated? Eating his dinner at yours every night and then not even be willing to buy you a coffee when you go out is just awful and quite sad. There is no ultimatum to give you just need to end it - he is being actually so disrespectful to you. I think you are worthy of more than that.

What do you get out of the relationship with him ? He gets lots, great for him!

Wow there is no ultimatum he’s just a selfish man, manipulating both you and his ex. There’s too many wrongs to make it right if it was me.

Where does he live now, other than your house and do you have children?
I wouldn’t be surprised if his plan is to sublet the flat while living off you.

I pay for everything in our relationship

Oh dear. Well... you need to put a stop to that, don't you? He has been taking advantage of you right, left and centre for long enough.

Tell him that he can come round at x time (after you have eaten your meal)

Due to the increase in the cost of living you cannot afford to feed him any more
Things that have gone up
Food
Gas & electric
Fuel for transport
Other bills
National Insurance
Etc

So sorry, you deserve better. He's just taking advantage.

@LL1906

For me it seems there is something he not telling you. By now I think he would of told her and kids and you would be getting to know his kids.
Something actually doesn't feel right at all here.

Are they going to get a divorce? Maybe he done something to her like cheated and they are separated and he hoping to get back with her. I wouldn't be comfortable with this although in his current situation which seems like he still has with her moving in with you would be too much too soon. Maybe his kids are still hope for them to get back together and maybe they having counselling who knows.

I think he could be taking advantage of your kindness and agree with previous posters. If he can't even buy you a coffee, cook a meal then something not right. He could show his appreciation of her and things don't cost that much.
I just hope that she don't click her fingers and he goes back to her.

Please find out if they are going to get divorced. You she take him for everything this why I reckon he could be keep her sweet and he happy to let you do everything in the mean time.

I hope he hasn't lied to you but you need to have that talk with him now.

@LL1906

Are they divorced then? Sorry he refers to her as ex wife but are they?

If he had to leave everything to her and still be paying for where she lives. You could understand why he hasn't got money but he must have something.

Family days out I expect he pays for like you say double life.

Definitely he not told you the whole truth I feel something not adding up.

I would remove myself from this. It's like hidden you because he doing wrong.hope he still doesn't sleep with her you seem way to trusting..

I don't normally respond twice to a thread. It's because so much doesn't add up.

What @Scorpio8 said

Yes, I'd bet my house they've partly reconciled. Why else is he keeping you secret? You may as well be the OW. Raise your bar and ditch him.