Have I been really stupid…

[LL1906]

I met my current partner at work. Him and his wife split up during lock down, we got together a year and a half ago (about 6 months after they split up).
Firstly, I’d like to add that I really love this guy. We get on really great, it’s been a brilliant year and a half. He is genuinely a nice guy, but I wonder if I’m seeing things through rose tinted glasses.
He has yet to tell his ex wife that I exist. He has a great relationship with her (which I encourage, i see no reason why they shouldn’t get on great). They regularly go for family days out with their boys, but it just feels a bit dishonest that she doesn’t know about me… a bit like he’s leading a double life? His family don’t know about me either and he’s yet to post on social media acknowledging my existence.
I’ve spoken to him about this 3 times now, of which he’s said he will tell her and he doesn’t.
He recently went through his financial separation and has decided to buy a flat, I’m delighted for him but he’s taken a 5 year mortgage deal… which was a bit of a kick in the gut if I’m being honest. It just means that we won’t be able to live together for a very long time, I didn’t expect it to be that long. He had 2,3 and 5 year options and chose the 5.
I’d be more ok with this if he lead a life that was very separate to mine, but he literally spends every evening at my house and eats with my family every night. I pay for everything in our relationship as he was a bit strapped before now (I’m the breadwinner between us) but he is happy for me to pay for every coffee we go out for, every take away, every meal we go out for. I can’t remember him ever paying.
After writing all this down, I realise I’m being a total idiot. 🙄 I think I just needed to see it for myself.

Wow. I’m in total agreement with previous posters here. The mortgage isn’t the issue.

He must have one so big he needs to tuck it into his socks for you to even contemplate tolerating this.

He’s eating with your family every day and never buys a thing? Why the hell are you putting up with this? He’s using you good and proper. He’s not told his wife about you or posted anything on social media because he has no intention of doing so. Ever. You’re a meal ticket. You stop funding everything and you won’t see him for dust.

What is your ultimatum btw? That he tells his wife about you or that he actually puts his hand in his poxket

like what exactly do you want from him? Because I don’t even understand how you think he is a decent prospect as a partner

Meal ticket is a harsh way of putting it but it’s so true

Don't do it this way. Telling someone what they have to do isn't how to set boundaries. Work out what you want in your ideal relationship. Sit him down for a chat, tell him you've been thinking about relationship dynamics. Tell him what you want, what you need, what would make you happy. He doesn't even have to be mentioned. It's all about you, and you being responsible for you getting your needs met.

That's all you have to do. Make sure he understands how you want your own relationship to look. It could be with anyone, it doesn't have to be him.

He then gets to decide what to do next. If, when you next go for a coffee, he says 'I'll get these.' then great. He's got the idea. If he keeps assuming you'll pay for everything, despite having been told it's not what you want, then leave.

This is very different from 'Do this, or I'll leave you.' which would be an attempt to control him. Tell him what you want, and see if he makes an effort to provide it. It's up to him how to progress the situation, not you.

In answer to your question...stupid maybe a bit harsh ...but naive, taken for granted , heading to doormat space definitely..
You are a def not on his priority list...
He is still married
This is unlikely togo anywhere as a relationship..
Wtf are u paying for a grown man?

Please dump asap.....

So many questions:-

why did he split up with his wife?
does he see the kids alone or just on family days out
keeping you a secret is a massive red flag- he has a life and you aren’t in it
I think it’s easiest to just split rather than play the long game of trying to get him to change- he won’t.

Lessons learned- in future relationships demand they pay an equal share and meet their friends.

sorry 💐

Not. A. Chance.

He is taking you for a complete fool. You pay for everything and sit quietly in the background of his life while he enjoys "family" days out.

It's actually beyond a joke. You have tolerated far more than most would.

And making him dinner every night, feeding him? No one should be this desperate op. Relationships need to be equal, you can’t pay a man to be with you. And he shouldn’t be lying about his feelings, lying about you, pretending you don’t exist whilst allowing you to pay him to be with you.

it’s all shades of wrong. You need to end this, or at least tell him it’s fifty fifty and he tells everyone, if he refuses or tries to negotiate then you know he’s just playing the male escort.

He’s obviously not skint if he’s buying a flat, the trouble is you’re the one who’s subsidising it! He’s taking you for a ride and he’s not even acknowledging your existence to people. So many red flags. Move on and don’t look back!

Are you sure he's separated? Because from where I'm standing it doesn't seem like he is!!
It's about time you gave him the hard word, IMHO

It's true. Please be kind to yourself and leave. Anyone can do better than this.

5 year fixed in the current economic situation was a sound financial decision.

And it doesn't mean you can't live together - most mortgages are portable these days.

Mortgage = complete non-issue.

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ELSE = MAJOR PROBLEM !!!!

This guy has completely landed on his feet, he has his loving relationship and family time with his ex-wife and you in the role of a mistress who pays his living expenses.

I mean, this man is a god!

I have no idea why any woman would put up with this. If I was in this kind of relationship I would expect him to be playing all my bills as the kept woman - not the other way round.
Is he something special like an artist or an actor or something?

What would get to me is that he isn't being honest with you about why he's not publicly revealing your relationship.

Probably, he doesn't want to rock the boat while the divorce goes through, and worries his ex will get angry and come after more of his cash.

But he won't say that, because he'll reveal look like money is more important than your feelings.

Not sure about you paying for everything but…..

Sounds like he’s scared to tell his ex. He’s got a great relationship with his ex and it means his kid(s) can still have mum and dad days out, birthdays, christmas etc. If he tells her about you then that dynamic changes and the kids will lose out n the short term. If this changes he’ll need to put in an awful lot of work into guiding the children through understanding this AND keeping a good co-parenting relationship with his ex.

I think he should’ve done this along time ago, not quite ripped the plaster off but done it in good time so there wouldn’t be a problem now. However it’s hard to make these changes if your children are involved and happy. I’d make it clear to him how you feel and if he doesn’t put the effort n to make that change then you’ve got your answer - move on or accept t for what it is.

Is he something special like an artist or an actor or something?

um what? 😂

How sad. You are being taken advantage of in a huge way. This man lacks decency if he lets you pay for everything. I guess he is being super nice but of course he is as you are subsidising his life in a huge way.

please don’t be a fool. Walk away now but if necessary do it after organising a visit to the most expensive restaurant in town then forgetting your purse!!!

I agree - the mortgage shouldn't be a big issue. Sensible to take out a 5 year deal if it's good terms and it wouldn't stop you moving in together.

BUT

You pay for everything? He's taking the micky. He's using you. He's being utterly selfish - I don't know how he can have the cheek to so openly use you for money.

And he hasn't told his family about you after 18 months? He doesn't see you as serious.

Please get rid. He's taking the mick and drain you of your money and your self esteem.

I've never understood this joke.

He can treat me like shit because he has a big d**k.

He’s eating with your family every day and never buys a thing? Why the hell are you putting up with this? He’s using you good and proper. He’s not told his wife about you or posted anything on social media because he has no intention of doing so. Ever. You’re a meal ticket. You stop funding everything and you won’t see him for dust

Remona nailed it

Forget the ultimatum, anyone worth your time wouldn’t require one in the first place.

Why are you wasting your time on someone so selfish, stingy and feckless who’s clearly using you??

OP I am sure you know what you have to do now ! Isn't it strange and somehow wonderful how by the end of an essay you reached your own conclusion ?
I am guessing that if you go out and want a coffee he says he doesn't want one so this means if you do have one it won't be him paying, but he will have one with you anyway ?
And so on with takeaways etc etc.. It is a clever strategy and the more he does it the better he gets at it.

BIN

Yes to Watchkeys post! Ultimatum not the way to go.

I recommend you do the same as me: have a list of dealbreakers written down on my phone in black and white. Eg. not married, financially stable, fair, generous etc etc.

You sound like me - I know my heart can rule my head so I MUST refer regularly to the list. Every time I've ignored one of my dealbreakers I've regretted it.

(as in, obviously they'd be separated, but not yet legally divorced - don't go there!!)

He’s using you. You’re financially subsidising him, offering sex, good company, meals on demand. Why would he change anything?