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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP loves me but doesn't fancy me

91 replies

brokenheartedsad · 19/07/2022 18:44

My long term partner has said he absolutely adores who I am, but no longer finds me sexually attractive. We are fairly young, no kids. He is unsure what to do and is suggesting we split up as he doesn't want to hurt me. Is there a way back from this? My heart is broken. He was/is my best friend.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 20/07/2022 20:30

His heads been turned and he's feeding you bullshit . He will keep doing this until he's certain whether or not the other woman is a viable option and if not he'll soon try to come crawling back. Leave now ,don't beg and be irrational . Retain some dignity in all this.

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 20:40

Ahh Mumsnet wisdom, thank you to everyone who has posted. Come to think of it, he has made comments about other women who are 'hotter', when we were abroad, there were very slim women by the beach, but I wouldn't have said they were any more attractive than me. I thought he was just trying to make me jealous. Maybe our spark has gone and he is actively looking elsewhere. Maybe he has found someone. Well, I can only wish him the best of luck, right?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 20/07/2022 20:42

I thought he was just trying to make me jealous.

Don't you think that someone doing this is an absolute arsehole?

The fact this seems acceptable / normal to you makes me think that perhaps there are other dickish things he does that you maybe don't realise are dickish.

Flowers
whatfuckinghobbyisit · 20/07/2022 20:43

Well, I can only wish him the best of luck, right?

Absolutely right. It's far better for you both to leave a relationship now (ie before you have children) with grace, so that you can both move on. Painful as it is when it happens.

BTW he hasn't ruined your self esteem, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The fact he isn't attracted to you any more is no reflection on you. It's just what happens when the spark dies, which it easily can do for no particular reason at all. Someone else will see your gorgeousness in due course.

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:06

Thank you whatfuckinghobbyisit 💕

OP posts:
brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:07

wellhelloitsme Of course it's dickish. All of this is.

OP posts:
brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:08

I have not fancied men before, but never gone off a long term partner.

And they always come crawling back, don't they. I won't be second choice.

OP posts:
WhackusBonkus · 20/07/2022 21:20

Unfortunately I have to agree with the poster who said it usually means their head has been turned. He will be trying to pretend, even to himself (to make himself feel better about it) that it’s not that.. but chances are, it is.

The other thing that strikes me, which isn’t very helpful to you OP I’m afraid, is that in a long, committed relationship or marriage, physical attraction can wax and wane but when people love and care for their partners deeply and there is no one else involved, they don’t admit this bluntly, they just work on getting the feeling back. And this can and does happen. Even together, couples can recognise a lack of spark and address it.. or work through it. Life has ups and downs and sometimes sexual attraction just isn’t uppermost in peoples mind. It’s doesn’t mean they want to split from that person; far from it.

So in this situation OP, and in my broader-than-I-would-have-preferred experience of men, he isn’t confused. He just wants out. Not saying he wants to hurt you.. am sure he doesn’t, but, for whatever reason, he DOES want out.

So do it for him. Tell him it’s over and that you know you deserve better and want to be available to get it. That part is for you to retain a bit self respect; you may not actually feel like that for a while yet. But you will eventually. So let go. Face the pain. Be kind to yourself. Let your friends carry you for a bit.. And in your own time, move on. 💐

wellhelloitsme · 20/07/2022 21:27

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:07

wellhelloitsme Of course it's dickish. All of this is.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound trite or flippant Flowers

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:31

wellhelloitsme no problem thank you 💐

OP posts:
brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:32

WhackusBonkus Don't feel like I have any self respect. I cried and told him I loved him. I would understand it if I had let myself go. I feel awful.

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 20/07/2022 21:40

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:32

WhackusBonkus Don't feel like I have any self respect. I cried and told him I loved him. I would understand it if I had let myself go. I feel awful.

You’ve done nothing wrong. His head is turned. Get him to move out asap

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 20/07/2022 21:43

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:32

WhackusBonkus Don't feel like I have any self respect. I cried and told him I loved him. I would understand it if I had let myself go. I feel awful.

You're not a robot, you're someone who's having an honest human reaction. It doesn't mean you're lacking self-respect.

MrsLighthouse · 20/07/2022 21:48

The only way to get your self-esteem back and feel strong again is to get rid of him. It will be painful for a bit but there is no reason to hang around to see if you’re good enough for someone 😳 As others have said , he’s probably got someone else and is somehow making it your fault for not being “fanciable” enough ! Your life will be fine without him. Good luck !

NightsinBlueSatin · 20/07/2022 21:53

You cried because it was a shock, it's hurtful and in a way it's a betrayal. You reacted in a totally normal way, no more tears around him though, you're wasting your emotional energy.

You sound lovely, the relationship may be over but your life isn't, throw him back in the sea and enjoy your own company for a bit.

An ex boyfriend said this to me once and it was code for "I've met someone else". You do get over it xxx

Thereisnolight · 20/07/2022 21:58

It’s ok that you cried. You won’t look back and wonder if you “should have told him you cared”. You’ve told him. It hasn’t worked. No regrets then OP. Grieve and move forward.💐

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:59

Thank you to each and every one of you. Such lovely and supportive comments 🌺

My two best friends said they nearly spat out their tea when they heard - as they always said he was punching with me! But attraction can’t be defined like that. It’s all so subjective and as others have said it can wax and wane in a LTR. His choice has been to want to end it, rather than work on it.

OP posts:
Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin · 20/07/2022 22:15

Your friends sound lovely as do you and I'm sure will be great support to you.

I'm sorry to say, he has absolutely no interest in working on it with you. If he did he would have suggested it, leave him to it and send him on his way. It's time for yourself now and to put yourself first, maybe write a list of all the lovely things you want to do for yourself, buy yourself, treat yourself etc.

Can I ask how old you are ? as you sound quite young ie. mid/late 20's so there is loads of time for you to meet a lovely, kind, gentle man, who will adore and cherish you.

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 22:31

Way older but in a way I’ll take that as a compliment 😉

OP posts:
Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin · 20/07/2022 22:35

I only asked as I'm in my early 40's so it took me a while to bounce back from the absolute total f**kwit I was with but I got there and yes take it as a compliment, you are only as young as you feel inside really. I'm sending you loads of love and peace 💐

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 22:36

Glad it got better for you Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin and I hope I can bounce back quickly too 💐

OP posts:
WhackusBonkus · 20/07/2022 23:37

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 21:32

WhackusBonkus Don't feel like I have any self respect. I cried and told him I loved him. I would understand it if I had let myself go. I feel awful.

Oh OP don’t beat yourself up about that. I’ve virtually clung to an ex’s leg wailing “please don’t leave me.. I’ll do better..” 🤦‍♀️ And even I got there in the end, self respect and all! Every relationship teaches you something valuable and I promise you that some time in the not too distant future, you’ll be able to look back and see that lesson and even smile at the good times you had while simultaneously feeling totally ready for the future and all that’s ahead of you. You’ll get there. Despite how it feels right now, it’s going to be more than ok

OldFan · 20/07/2022 23:46

Come to think of it, he has made comments about other women who are 'hotter', when we were abroad, there were very slim women by the beach, but I wouldn't have said they were any more attractive than me.

How rude @brokenheartedsad . In the bin with him. Seems like maybe it's a midlife crisis and he thinks he can do better than his current life and partner. I think he'll find out he's wrong. Grin If he comes crawling back, don't take him back in a hurry.

Missisipihallelujah · 21/07/2022 00:00

brokenheartedsad · 20/07/2022 20:40

Ahh Mumsnet wisdom, thank you to everyone who has posted. Come to think of it, he has made comments about other women who are 'hotter', when we were abroad, there were very slim women by the beach, but I wouldn't have said they were any more attractive than me. I thought he was just trying to make me jealous. Maybe our spark has gone and he is actively looking elsewhere. Maybe he has found someone. Well, I can only wish him the best of luck, right?

Isn't he the charmer, commenting on how hot other women are. You will look back on this and see how much better off you are on your own. No having the disrespect of your partner eyeing up other women and making you feel inferior.

bluegardenflowers · 21/07/2022 03:20

He's shallow and immature and maybe has someone else. Cruel too to say this to you. That alone and I'd be blocking and ending it.

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