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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP loves me but doesn't fancy me

91 replies

brokenheartedsad · 19/07/2022 18:44

My long term partner has said he absolutely adores who I am, but no longer finds me sexually attractive. We are fairly young, no kids. He is unsure what to do and is suggesting we split up as he doesn't want to hurt me. Is there a way back from this? My heart is broken. He was/is my best friend.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 19/07/2022 20:07

No. Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset.

gamerchick · 19/07/2022 20:10

There's usually someone else. He's being a coward. I'd ask him straight out if there's someone else and if he wants to split up then the doors over there. No fannying around. There's no coming back from that.

Clareicles · 19/07/2022 20:10

I had this with an ex once. Same age/situation as you. There wasn't anyone else, but he had become like my brother (& I like his sister). 10 yrs on, still care for him, in a Xmas and Birthday greetings kinda way, but there is no way our relationship (as it was then) would have survived. But we cared enough for each other to be honest and it was a bitch to cope with at the time, but rationally (even then) we both knew it was right and it had to end.

There may be someone else (who knows), but romantic love can fade. No one's fault, just run its course.

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 19/07/2022 20:10

He says he’s confused and loves me very much.
The spiel is so predictable. Ditch the loser love, you’re worth more than this tripe.

Catlover1970 · 19/07/2022 20:10

It’s usually I love you but I’m not in love with you. So sorry but sadly there is somebody else …..

MsDogLady · 19/07/2022 20:12

BHS, my heart goes out to you. I suspect that your H has been investing elsewhere, and is not “confused” at all.

You are devastated, but do not diminish yourself by clinging or doing the pick me dance. Gather your strength and move forward. Consider seeking solo counseling to help you process your pain and navigate your future. Flowers

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/07/2022 20:15

Sounds like he is cheating. I'm sorry

JellyBellyNelly · 19/07/2022 20:35

brokenheartedsad · 19/07/2022 19:59

Should I ask him if there is someone else

I think it would be a reasonable question to ask.

totallyoutnumbered · 19/07/2022 20:38

I've been in
This position on the other foot. I was only in my early 20s. I did indeed just stop fancying my then boyfriend. I'd noticed other men more so (never cheated). Interestingly he was actually better looking from when we first met as he'd aged. I just simply stopped fancying him. I wish I did as we got on great but as others have said this can't be forced. Once it had gone it had gone. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. If you ask if there's someone else he'll likely deny it anyway x

Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin · 20/07/2022 10:13

Advice I can give you (as I was in exact same situation last year) is to stay calm, don't beg, don't chase, just respect his decision, hold your dignity and walk away. He's confused alright but he's confused about the best way to handle this so he can get himself out of this situation as easily as possible with you.

His head has been turned and I'll bet there is another woman. He won't tell you as he probably does love you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings but "he's not in love with you". He's also not telling you the honest truth as this is an easier way out for him - no drama, no dragging this out, you can't really argue with someone when they say I don't fancy you!. In a nutshell he wants to have sex and be with someone else. This is no reflection on you but you need to start fully giving all that you gave to him to yourself. Love yourself more, you don't deserve this s**t. Focus on yourself.

I was told the exact same story and then I got well I need space, I stupidly believed this as we lived together and then I got told oh I've met someone - just a month later. We were still friends as that's what he asked for and I thought ok there is still a way back for us. He was still calling round me making him dinner, listening to his problems, a place he could crash when the OW was in work. He lived in a shared rented flat. When I finally realised what a mug I was, I stopped all contact and blocked. He asked to come back 4 months later. It was the dishonesty I couldn't forget and I suspect he met her when I was at home looking at my really ill father months before we actually broke up.

If he mention's about being friends say no thank you, I have enough friends and block, delete and move on. It's really difficult but know your worth and when you look back on this you can say yeah f**k that I held my head high.

Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin · 20/07/2022 10:30

Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin · 20/07/2022 10:13

Advice I can give you (as I was in exact same situation last year) is to stay calm, don't beg, don't chase, just respect his decision, hold your dignity and walk away. He's confused alright but he's confused about the best way to handle this so he can get himself out of this situation as easily as possible with you.

His head has been turned and I'll bet there is another woman. He won't tell you as he probably does love you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings but "he's not in love with you". He's also not telling you the honest truth as this is an easier way out for him - no drama, no dragging this out, you can't really argue with someone when they say I don't fancy you!. In a nutshell he wants to have sex and be with someone else. This is no reflection on you but you need to start fully giving all that you gave to him to yourself. Love yourself more, you don't deserve this s**t. Focus on yourself.

I was told the exact same story and then I got well I need space, I stupidly believed this as we lived together and then I got told oh I've met someone - just a month later. We were still friends as that's what he asked for and I thought ok there is still a way back for us. He was still calling round me making him dinner, listening to his problems, a place he could crash when the OW was in work. He lived in a shared rented flat. When I finally realised what a mug I was, I stopped all contact and blocked. He asked to come back 4 months later. It was the dishonesty I couldn't forget and I suspect he met her when I was at home looking at my really ill father months before we actually broke up.

If he mention's about being friends say no thank you, I have enough friends and block, delete and move on. It's really difficult but know your worth and when you look back on this you can say yeah f**k that I held my head high.

*Sorry first time replying to any post and I don't know why this came up in bold, also typo error I was taking care of my really ill father

NotSoSlimShady8 · 20/07/2022 12:36

Long shot … but he could be gay ? It would make sense for the ‘sudden loss’ of attraction and him saying he’s confused ? Could be way off track but this is what stood out for me first

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/07/2022 14:38

@totallyoutnumbered This happened to me too when I was 18. I completely did not fancy my boyfriend, actually, fiancé (I thought I was grown up getting engaged at 17, started seeing him when we were 16). I was not at all "confused", but I wanted to be free to find someone I did want to be with. Unfortunately I didn't end it, and it morphed into not a relationship but a never-ending argument which ended with us both telling each other to piss off over the phone and slamming it down. I found myself working at the same place as him 10+ years later and we became friendly, no attachment or regret on either side. He had moved on and so had I.

I wasted time staying with him because I felt guilty ending it (I should be grateful!) and guilty (I was looking at other guys). Silly me.

You would do best to end it yourself, sadly. It's not you, it's him.

Ryah76 · 20/07/2022 17:31

So sorry but I agree with PPs- this is a sign that his head has been turned. I wouldn’t bother asking, he’s not going to be honest and it wont make you feel better.

layladomino · 20/07/2022 17:40

There is likely more to it than he is telling you.

If he fancied you before, and you haven't changed significantly, then why would he stop fancying you? I can imagine that could happen if he no longer 'liked' you as a person, but he says he loves and adores you. Something doesn't add up.

Annoyedwithmyself · 20/07/2022 17:48

Sorry OP but I've been on your boyfriend's side of this in my 20s. Nothing had changed about the guy, nothing was wrong with him, there was nobody else, just the sexual/ romantic side had run its course and I saw him as a beloved friend.

I don't think there's a way back, personally.

Don't try and carry it on, it'll rumble on for a bit but wreck your self esteem and he will probably end it anyway sooner or later. You deserve someone who loves and fancies you which is what you'll find with someone else.

Take control, hold your head up, show him the door on civil terms and when you're ready, get back out there💐

whatfuckinghobbyisit · 20/07/2022 17:54

I'm sorry you're in this situation, @brokenheartedsad. I know a lot of people are suggesting there's more to it - but it's also just possible that it has run its course. I loved my pre-children boyfriend, but just stopped fancying him. There wasn't anyone else - it was just that the relationship had run its course. He made the mistake of trying to convince me that it was just a phase etc, but it wasn't. I had over the course of three years just stopped finding him sexually attractive. He hadn't changed physically or 'done anything wrong', and I still loved him and cared about him. So don't torture yourself with the idea that there must be someone else - screw up all your courage and self esteem, tell him that the relationship is over, and try to part on good terms (though don't have any contact, as you'll likely end up in bed at some point, and that will confuse the shit out of you - you may be able to become friends again later, but not at first).

Someone else will come along in due course who thinks you are a goddess!

Kittykat93 · 20/07/2022 18:01

Men don't usually leave a partner, a warm bed, sex, etc for nothing. The times I've heard this happen they mysteriously end up in another relationship shortly after.

Staynow · 20/07/2022 18:08

When he says he doesn't fancy you what he probably means is he's met someone he fancies more and is hoping he's in with a chance with them. That's probably why he's dithering, stay with you (the sure bet) or go for what he's hoping for and risk ending up with nothing.

Best thing is to make the decision for him IMO OP. Tell him you have no interest in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want and kick him to the curb. He'll probably beg to come back because he won't be expecting it and will want to keep you round as a safety net. Don't end up playing the pick me dance, take back control and put and end to it yourself.

Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin · 20/07/2022 18:09

@whatfuckinghobbyisit oh totally get what you are saying but as women we tend to be much more open, honest, kind and do our utmost not to hurt someone. Men when they want out, can be cruel, nasty, mean, lie just to cover themselves etc. We operate on different levels.

From my side of it, when it happened to me I was destroyed trying to figure out how I had changed, looked, my appearance, sexing myself up - new haircut, clothes, makeup etc. - just couldn't get my head around it and we were still intimate. I was still the same as when he met me - in fact even slimmer and better looking. So when I did find out it was due to someone else, it stopped the sadness, the never ending questioning myself, what was wrong with me etc. and then I got angry which is what I needed and I had my answer so I could move on.

Maybe it is a case of he just doesn't fancy the OP anymore and it's that simple.

whatfuckinghobbyisit · 20/07/2022 19:52

I'm not so sure that women are more honest and kind and try not to hurt someone @Ohnolookwhatthecatsdraggedin. In my next relationship, I had an affair because it was easier to have an affair than it was to go through the whole "I am sorry but I just don't fancy you any more" business. That gave my then boyfriend a reason to dump me - which was easier for me, but worse for him.

Hhd1 · 20/07/2022 19:57

It doesn’t matter what the reason is. It’s over.

Missisipihallelujah · 20/07/2022 20:17

This must have been awful to hear. For your dignity and self esteem, let him go. X

BonbonJJx97 · 20/07/2022 20:21

I wouldn’t waste any time on him. He’s just ruined your self esteem and you’re gonna waste time asking him if there’s someone else? As if it isn’t a bad enough jab to the heart already, babe let him go and hold your head high. His loss.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 20/07/2022 20:21

I'm sorry, OP. Sounds like it's knocked you sideways. This kind of blindsiding heartbreak really is the worst.

It's pointless really wondering too much why he doesn't fancy you any more. There may be someone else who's caught his eye or maybe his attraction to you has just naturally ended. That can happen. Devastating for you of course, but you will get through this.

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