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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken!!

57 replies

Fortyandfuckingheartbroken · 19/07/2022 05:10

Hi All,
New to this site so please be kind. My husband walked out a few weeks ago only to return the next day full of apologies, claiming this is where he wanted to be and it was up to him to prove it. He even sat our 9 year old down and told her he wasn't going anywhere. Over the next 8 weeks he made no effort whatsoever to show he was sorry or wanted to be here. Infact, he made me think all the doubt was in my head, again claiming this was where he wanted to be. The situation caused me to start having panic attacks and his response once was "just fucking breathe"
After at least 8 weeks of living in a home where I felt I was walking on egg shells around him, I discovered some hotel/restaurant bookings that didn't add up. I confronted him and told him he had to start talking to me! He initially denied it, then claimed to have booked himself a night away as a treat!!
Then he told me he didn't have a spark for me and this was the end of the road for him. All this after HE came back claiming he wanted to be here. I am utterly devastated. He has been extremely angry towards me and hostile in communication since he left, which I don't understand as this is his choice!!

My kids don't want to see him which is understandably frustrating him and he blames me for this. I'm so heartbroken at how he could treat me this way and just feel like I can't go on.

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 19/07/2022 05:14

He is behaving like a dick. His children don't want to see him because he is behaving like a dick.

Take control. Start divorce proceedings, he is too week to and is projecting his guilt onto you.

PeacefulPottering · 19/07/2022 05:24

Usually they treat you horribly because they are doing something shitty themselves. My ex was bloody awful in the run up to me finding out about the OW. Literally dirty looks, nasty comments, sighing all the time!
He's an ex for that reason.

Windmillwhirl · 19/07/2022 05:30

I'm so sorry. Heartbreak is horrendous. This man has treated you appallingly. His treatment of you is unkind and cruel. I know it hurts now, but you need to find your strength here and realise you deserve better than walking on eggshells and having panic attacks over a man.

You deserve so much better.

I'd be telling him it's over. Looks like's only staying at the moment as it's convenient for him.

BEAM123 · 19/07/2022 05:31

I reckon there was an OW, and she fell through / bailed out when he left the first time, so he came grovelling back. And now it's back on.

I am so sorry, he is being a selfish prick and using you. You must be devastated and there is nothing worse than being trapped in a house with someone who behaves like this. Start looking into how you can manage financially and how much better your life will be without a gaslighting, selfish, lying man in your house.

Fortyandfuckingheartbroken · 19/07/2022 05:41

Thanks everyone. He's out of the house. No idea where he is staying because he won't say! When I think of some of the things he's said and done over the past few months i cringe. He gave me a row for withdrawing money from the joint account and told me not to do it again!! At the weekend he spent more money in the pub and kebab shop than he transferred to me to get shopping for the kids Shock

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 19/07/2022 05:59

Oh love I hope you are okay this morning, I know how hard it is to disengage from a twat, please just try to look after you and your kids today, in the short term. After that , look into doing stuff yourself, do you drive ? Of not learn, get a car, be independent, anything you can do that gets you and your kids away and not depending on him x

Veebees26 · 19/07/2022 06:24

This is just awful, I never understand how some men (mostly) can just turn on the mother of their children and act this way, if you want out just get out, no need to emotionally abuse someone.
So first things first, you're in a horrible situation and it'll be shit for a while but he's shown you his true colours, you're better off without him, you deserve better.

I would be first of all transferring half of whatever is in your joint savings to yourself, if he wants to piss his savings up the wall in the pub and kebab shop let him crack on, but no reason he should have access to what is half yours as well, you are entitled to it, it's half your money, don't let him think he can control you in that manner.

Next would be telling him that at some point the kids probably will want to see him, you need to know where he is staying when that happens, if he refuses to tell you where he is staying then the kids don't go to him, end of story.

And please take control of this and start divorce proceedings yourself, I would have a fairly confident guess that he's been cheating but sounds like he's a coward that will never admit to it and is emotionally manipulating, abusing and gaslighting you in his attempt to get away with it. I once wasted more time than I care to think about on a man like this, he never admitted to any of his lies even in the face of irrefutable proof, that's not a normal way to behave, you and your children deserve better, don't let them grow up thinking the way their dad treats their mum is normal and acceptable.

Fortyandfuckingheartbroken · 19/07/2022 06:54

It's the anger and hostility towards me. This is what HE wanted! He wanted away as he wasn't happy so should be being nice to me, apologising for me having to deal with 2 heartbroken kids! He's not once asked how I am, despite knowing that he made me sick the last few weeks in the house with his lies and manipulation. I know the kids will eventually want to see him which I'd never try to prevent. I keep pathetically asking myself 'but why doesn't he want ME'?

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 19/07/2022 07:01

He's angry and hostile because this is not what he wanted. He wanted to come back and for you to be so grateful that he had and for you to trip over yourself showing your gratitude. He did not want to be held accountable or for you to ask anything or say anything to make him look bad. That's why he's angry. He obviously left for someone else and that didn't go the way he wanted so he decided to come back and be king of the castle.

It's hard and you will feel heartbroken but in time you will heal and you will see this as a positive thing. He's a vile man, and he's gas lighting you now to make it look like you are the reason it's ended. He is the reason..... you keep telling yourself that, you will be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow but you will be. And your kids will be too. He's the loser in all this, what a fool.

sandgrown · 19/07/2022 07:04

So sorry to hear this OP. My ex was seeing my BFF . I did eventually find out but despite him being at fault he was horrible to me and he refused to pay for his children. With hindsight I think this was his guilt kicking in. He also took all the money out of our joint account. Take your share now and put it elsewhere . My biggest mistake was being soft with him as I wanted him back . Get yourself a good solicitor and get a close friend/family member you can talk to. Good Luck. It’s hard but you will get there snd ultimately feel better .

Sunnydays78 · 19/07/2022 07:13

He’s seeing someone else. He left and came back because he feels guilty. He’s now being horrible to you because it’s easier for him to carry on doing what he’s doing behind your back that way!

Fortyandfuckingheartbroken · 19/07/2022 07:33

Apparently he's staying in an Airbnb somewhere. I've no idea how the hell he's managing to pay for that 😱

OP posts:
SoSo19 · 19/07/2022 07:43

Stop asking why he doesn’t want you, and ask yourself why you want HIM.

There is an OW hiding somewhere, let her have him. He is no prize.

Try and find your anger, get copies off all documents, take half the money from the joint account and speak to a solicitor. Take back control.

Do you have support in real life? Tell people, you have done nothing wrong,

I promise you will get through this and be happier in the long run, this man is a prick and you deserve so much better x

Windmillwhirl · 19/07/2022 07:46

Please don't tie your self esteem to what he thinks of you. This man is cruel and selfish and thinks only about himself.

Just because HE does not want to be with you does not make you any less of a wonderful person.

He'll happily splurge on beer and kebabs and give less to his children!!! Ask yourself what kind of person does that?

LuckyLil · 19/07/2022 09:35

He's staying an Airbnb? I'd have a good look at the bank statements.

Fortyandfuckingheartbroken · 19/07/2022 09:44

He's transferred money from the joint account to his own account. I'm assuming that's how he is paying for it. Frustrating!!

OP posts:
butterflied · 19/07/2022 09:55

Make sure you transfer part of joint account money and savings to your own account before he cleans you out. He is not your friend or the man you married.

Good luck.

bluegardenflowers · 19/07/2022 09:58

Its another woman and he is making you feel shit so that he doesn't have too. divorce his cheating arse.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/07/2022 10:00

BEAM123 · 19/07/2022 05:31

I reckon there was an OW, and she fell through / bailed out when he left the first time, so he came grovelling back. And now it's back on.

I am so sorry, he is being a selfish prick and using you. You must be devastated and there is nothing worse than being trapped in a house with someone who behaves like this. Start looking into how you can manage financially and how much better your life will be without a gaslighting, selfish, lying man in your house.

A gaslighting selfish lying junk food eating toad!

Yaa · 19/07/2022 10:04

Yes please make sure you get some money too! Is your wages going into joint account can u change that so ur wages go into your own account?

you need to grieve. Write down all the things he has done bad to you so when you have the strong urge to 'win him back' you can look back at that.

be there for you and the kids. Get a takeaway with them and have a movie and try live ur life like like normal

don't take him back he left twice he not happy in relationship and will just make life hard for you so let him go. Eventually things will settle and when he sees u don't care he may communicate with you on your next steps on money, kids, home but it sounds like he being aloof as he worried u may go and try win him back or cry at him or be angry at him. He is a coward and not able to face up to it.

your strong and loved and we are here for you

Fortyandfuckingheartbroken · 19/07/2022 10:07

It's the sinking feeling in the stomach to see what he's going to do next Shock

OP posts:
Cherry55 · 19/07/2022 10:08

Search for "The Script" - it's a bizarre but accurate process of events these men go through when having an affair and deflecting their guilt onto you. You'll find yourself going mad. i wish someone pin pointed me to it at the time.

I thought my seemingly happy 20 year marriage was over because I didn't understand Road Cycling as a sport (one of his reasons!). He's never once shown interest or mentioned this sport in 20 years so was utterly insane.

There's 100% another woman, he's having a wobble or she is and messing you about. He's showing you who he is. Strike whilst the iron is hot, get a solicitor.

Yaa · 19/07/2022 10:08

Basically you take controll! Yes he started it but u will finish it

you speak to a solicitor
you seperate your finances
you make sure you have accomidation

its shit that men often when they split walk out without a thought about how it will affect the kids or to do it properly like talk it through and how you going to proceed it's cowardness.

one you take control and see you CAN do this you can grief and move on from him it's going to be hard very hard emotionally so give yourself the space and time to grief don't worry about housework/cooking etc

Cherry55 · 19/07/2022 10:11

Also the window for remorse is tiny. I wish I'd just got on with it but ended up with a 3 year dragged out divorce which cost 00,000s and he turned into the devil himself. He's have seen me and the kids out on the streets. The lies didn't stop throughout.

twigy100 · 19/07/2022 10:13

Personally I'd be removing the same amount of money hes taken and then splitting the rest before he takes any more. Do you have access to any other bank statements that which you can look over ?