Heartbroken!!

[Fortyandfuckingheartbroken]

Hi All,
New to this site so please be kind. My husband walked out a few weeks ago only to return the next day full of apologies, claiming this is where he wanted to be and it was up to him to prove it. He even sat our 9 year old down and told her he wasn't going anywhere. Over the next 8 weeks he made no effort whatsoever to show he was sorry or wanted to be here. Infact, he made me think all the doubt was in my head, again claiming this was where he wanted to be. The situation caused me to start having panic attacks and his response once was "just fucking breathe"
After at least 8 weeks of living in a home where I felt I was walking on egg shells around him, I discovered some hotel/restaurant bookings that didn't add up. I confronted him and told him he had to start talking to me! He initially denied it, then claimed to have booked himself a night away as a treat!!
Then he told me he didn't have a spark for me and this was the end of the road for him. All this after HE came back claiming he wanted to be here. I am utterly devastated. He has been extremely angry towards me and hostile in communication since he left, which I don't understand as this is his choice!!

My kids don't want to see him which is understandably frustrating him and he blames me for this. I'm so heartbroken at how he could treat me this way and just feel like I can't go on.

Sending love!! Oh my god. How shocking and traumatic for you, i can only imagine the pain you are in.

Take control if you can? Silence to him. No contact. Nothing. Bunker down with the kids and take a breath. Then decide next steps.

But before you do any of that, Take your half of the money. Do it now. You'll need it and it is yours.

The mumsnet community is amazing, keep talking, there is always someone here and you're not alone
Xxxx

Thank you. Feel very alone at the moment and can hardly believe this is happening to me. It's like I'm living an episode of Eastenders!!

He just wants his beer and kebabs! Disgusting creature....bet he has a big hairy beer belly too...yuck! Just hold on to that thought.

You don't want someone who doesn't want you!

Hugs Xx **

Definately get your share out of the joint account ASAP.

He left for one night in order to cheat.
Chances are is is at an air bnb...but also on tinder. I mean there could also be a fixed person he is cheating with. Who knows.

Sooner you get the divorce running the better.

OP you have not mentioned whether you have been able to take your share of the money. Are you able to do that?

So all the household bills etc come off the joint account, as that's where his wages (main earner) go. I've never used the account as such, but he did make me transfer him money every month (even though I work part time and my wages cover necessities for the kids). The one time I transferred myself £50 from the account his exact words were "don't do that again". While he had never physically stopped me, it's the psychological fear if that makes sense? I had to practically beg for an additional credit card as he told me I wouldn't have an emergency 🙄

@Fortyandfuckingheartbroken

I understand your hesitation to transfer money over to your account and I recognise what could be construed as his abuse of you on this but I think at some point you will have to take the bull by the horns and take steps to gaining the independence you will need to see you through what probably lies ahead. It will be hard but you will be much stronger at the end of it.

Agree with this.

So he is financially abusive too.

You're well shot of him.
You can be sure he will not play by the rules so with that in mind, protect yourself.

Make sure your own money goes to an account just for you in future. And start looking into what benefits you are entitled to so that you can pay your way.

Because guarantee he will try to come back by depriving you of money at some point. He will not play fair so neither should you.

If you have a free room in the house, see about taking in a lodger/sub-letter to help you with the rent.

I don't normally drink, but I think wine is definitely the answer 😂

Remember to also transfer your children’s share of the money. You have two dependents living with you.

This man has checked out of your marriage and is not your friend never mind your partner in any shape or form. You need to protect yourself and children financially for what is to come. Draw everything you can from joint account and keep it safe somewhere. Bills have to be paid and as he is undoubtably having an affair, his priorities are totally elsewhere. Get the bills transferred into your name. This is a joint account you have an equal right to manage it.

He left and then came back out of guilt but couldn't settle. Affair may be ongoing or OW has given him an ultermatum to leave you for her which I suspect he promised her a while back at same time as he was being awful to you. He is being totally predictable.

You must be the opposite. Gather his stuff, tell him to collect it from outside the door. Minimise contact, no needy/ begging calls/ texts. He will use each one against you at the moment. Read up on doing the 180 in relationships and act as though you are fine, can manage perfectly well without him and keep acting until this is normal. Put one foot in front of the other and hold your home and family together. You've got this.

Avoid alcohol it will merely make you emotional, indulge in some you time - long bath, sorting your wardrobe out, getting hair done, drink with friends/ outing with children, trip to something you enjoy. Just carry on and soon you will feel calmed by the routine. Give off an air of indifference and disinterest when he contacts you. Do not ask questions. He will be expecting you to be a cling on, don't give him the satisfaction.

Think about all the negative behaviour you have had to endure from him over the years, think about every single controlling behaviour he has exibited previously, every put you down. You are free from all this now and will manage.

You owe it to your DC's to be their rock and safety net. Plaster a smile on from morning to night for their sake. As a mother, if you have gone through labour there is nothing you can't endure. You've got this!

When the dust has settled, see a solicitor, find out your rights and even consider filing on line to save money. Very straight forward these days.

Thinking of you OP. It is a frightening time but one you will get through.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Screenshot this OP and read it again and again... One of the best bits of advice I've seen..
Another woman sending strength your way..
You've got this... X

Didn't realise only your reply would quote.. This is what I think you should screenshot and keep reading...

So other half has strangely stopped using the joint account. He withdrew cash last night but normally uses it all the time. I think he must realise I can see his transactions! Just makes me wonder how he is paying for accommodation etc?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

he might not be in paid accommodation, he could be staying with someone

Honestly

1. take what he has taken plus at least half of the joint account money.


2. put in a claim for child maintenance as they won't back date


3. see if you are entitled to any benefits as a part time worker/single mum.

when you are on a better footing financially you will fell a lot better.
just focus on that for now.
Horrible I know. But you will be alright. xx

Ok so things are getting very nasty very quickly 😢. My ex is frustrated at not having seen the children, which I completely understand as I would be beside myself! My daughter is really struggling & barely lets me mention his name without getting upset. I have continuously tried to encourage contact, maybe a call or FaceTime initially. So far no luck. My youngest is that bit younger & happy to go along with what his sister wants. Can I just say that at NO time during this shit show have I ever prevented the kids from contacting their Dad or asking to see him.
As a result, his solicitor contacted me with what I felt were ridiculous demand. He wants the kids 2 evenings a week and 1 day a weekend. He does not have a permanent place of residence and is asking for access to the children more than he ever did when he lived in the house! The solicitor has even suggested that I vacate the house the week he is on leave, so he can stay there & it wouldn't disrupt the children! Em, he's left 3 times so him not only returning & staying over night with just blow their little minds!!!!!!!!
I've sent back a counter proposal for the time being so would like any opinions. I've suggested one day/evening during the week (non residential during school time as we live beside their school & would cause less disruption. I've suggested 1 full weekend a month Fri-Sun. Non residential to begin with until he secured accommodation and most importantly, until the kids feel comfortable spending time with him alone and then overnight. I made it clear that as mine and my estranged husband relationship starts to improve as time goes on, these arrangements can become more flexible with us & the kids. I don't feel I am being unreasonable? I feel he is using the children as another way to exert control over me and they will suffer in the process 🙄

Well for a start: 'I have continuously tried to encourage contact'. Why? Please stop that. Your children have the right to their boundaries. Good on them for sticking to it. When people betray us and treat us like shit, we probably shouldn't forgive them and want to spend time with them. Certainly not before we are ready.

I would have not said anything about a full weekend access. He doesn't have a place to have them. I would have told the solicitor that he was welcome to take them out for a day out/dinner -IF they wished to go with him - twice per week but that they were to be returned home by bedtime. Don't compromise. Respect your children's wishes and be realistic about what you ex could actually do anyway.

Don't be bullied. Get your own solicitor.

Don’t put anything in writing saying him seeing the children depends on your relationship with him. That wouldn’t look good in court etc
offer something sensible and he can work out where he takes them. So unfair on the kids though. He sounds the type who won’t bother with them tbh so hopefully won’t be a problem for long.

And just to reiterate, this guy sat your kids down and said he wasn't going anywhere - and then, left! Seriously, fuck him. I'd say to my daughter 'you have every right to feel angry and betrayed qnd you dont have to forgive him, he has done nothing to earn it. But if you want to give him the chance to earn that forgiveness, I understand. He is your dad afterall and you only get one. That's doesn't mean you should accept people treating you badly though. And know that you have a right to how you feel and that you can always talk to mummy about it'.

Something along those lines.
You also need to tell them about the custody arrangements suggested and how you thought it was too much so you are suggesting less. That way they know you have their back by trying to reduce contact with someone they don't want to see atm. This way you don't become horrible mummy who is making them see daddy. But instead, someone in their corner.

*phrase it as 'I thought YOU might want less contact atm' (not as if it's what you want. But just yo show them that you are thinking about their feelings)

So things have gone from bad to worse to almost nasty very quickly. Solicitors now involved. My daughter still refusing to see her Dad, sleeping with me & crying herself to sleep every night. My son has started wetting the bed. He made ridiculous demands about seeing the kids so I've had to suggest things move at a slower pace. My son saw him for the first time on Sunday but didn't want me to leave 🤦🏼‍♀️.
I mean, he couldn't have made it any clearer that he doesn't care for me and doesn't want anything to do with me. So why is it all I want is for him to say sorry and he regrets his behaviour and wants our family to stay together? How pathetic am I!!!!!!!!!

I'm also not eating, not sleeping, generally just physically and emotionally exhausted. Everytime I get an email my heart sinks as I think "what now?" 😢