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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I make of this? First time posting, please be kind.

75 replies

Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 20:46

Hi all,

Not really sure why I'm posting on here, I suppose I just wanted some advice as to whether I'm overreacting or not, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.......

So, partner of 12 years, I have access to his email account, its something he gave me access to years ago to sort something out for him but to be honest I think he'd forgotten I had access. I looked on his emails the other day and clicked on his 'sent' ones. There was one with the title 'pics' so curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on it where I found he had several photos of this woman. I could see that they were screenshots that he'd taken off Facebook so could therefore see her name on there. I came off Facebook myself about 2 years ago so i borrowed a friend's phone and searched for her on there and on almost every single one of her selfies (she posts alot) he'd 'heart emoji'd' and left some pretty inappropriate comments that actually really upset me. I confronted him about it and his response was 'I'll speak to who I want' so i then asked why he has photos of her and he said 'because i want photos of her'.......and then he attempted to turn it around on me.........

This isn't the first time I've seen similar things like this and he knows how upset I've been because of it, has said he won't do it again......but now he has. To me the comments on her photos were beyond just 'flirty banter' and its got me wondering what's going on in the 'inbox' if that's why he's saying in public!?

Am I overreacting or do I have a right to feel upset and disrespected??

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Cotswoldmama · 18/07/2022 20:51

If it was me I would leave him. I can't think of any possible reason why he should be interacting in that way with her. The screen shots is odd too, it's a bit stalkery, I wonder if she even knows him. Why would someone do that?

chickenegg · 18/07/2022 20:57

Worrying that you even feel the need to ask. Yes, he can 'speak to who he wants' - as a single man. Get rid.

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:02

@Cotswoldmama I'm not going to lie, I thought the screenshots were a bit odd too! They 'know' each other but mainly just over a shared interest on Facebook, an interest that pretty much takes up all his time and has done for the last 2 and a half years! They both say things to each other like 'that's why I love you' with laughing emojis etc but he's always commenting on her photos about how beautiful she looks along with, what I very much believe, are very inappropriate comments when your 'supposed" to be in a relationship! There's quite alot of backstory regarding our relationship, it'd just be too lengthy to post on here.

Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:06

@chickenegg thank you. Like I've just said above there's quite a backstory to our relationship and there's in all honesty been far more downs than ups. He makes me feel like I am being unreasonable, overreacting and there's no apology, just lots of shouting at me and name calling.

OP posts:
chickenegg · 18/07/2022 21:07

Do you have children? Why are you staying with him? x

bloodywhitecat · 18/07/2022 21:07

You don't need to spend the rest of your life being belittled in that way, you deserve better Flowers

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:11

@chickenegg yes we have a 10 year old DD together. In regards to your other question......I just cling onto the 'good times' I suppose and live in hope that things will get better.....I sound so pathetic don't I 😏

@bloodywhitecat thank you very much 💕

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 18/07/2022 21:13

Yes, you've been totally disrespected. Please just leave the idiot. There doesn't seem to be anything good in what you've written about him and your self-esteem must be near the floor.

Iflyaway · 18/07/2022 21:15

He makes me feel like I am being unreasonable, overreacting and there's no apology, just lots of shouting at me and name calling.

What a horrible man. Never mind flirting with other women online..

Is this the future you want for yourself? Please find your strength to leave him. You deserve so much better than this nasty man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2022 21:15

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. The good times are but brief and as you write too he's done this before.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?. What’s the situation re the finances and property?.

Stop with showing your daughter here such a poor relationship example for her to potentially emulate.

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:16

@LightSpeeds.....is it that obvious 😔 I genuinely did think that maybe I was overreacting and that other people on here would think so too......the comments I'm getting so far are helping me see a bit more clearly though, thank you x

OP posts:
chickenegg · 18/07/2022 21:16

No, you don't sound pathetic. You sound like someone being emotionally abused by their partner. If you can't find the strength for yourself, please find it for your DD.
There are lots of organisations and support groups that can help, and people on this forum are very supportive and offer great advice (most of the time :). x

Iflyaway · 18/07/2022 21:20

I see you have a 10-year-old daughter. You are setting her up to accept this as her norm in her future.

I'm a lone parent. Even though he is an adult now, I know I "saved" him from his abusive father by leaving him. He's a great guy and very respectful of women. Dread to think how he would have turned out if he'd had his dad around
growing up.

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:24

@Iflyaway thank you, I just need to install that in myself x

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'd struggle a bit financially but I think I'd manage, I feel quite ashamed to say though I'm scared of being on my own. You are absolutely right about my daughter though, I don't want her to continue to think this is 'normal'. She has ASD as well and needs me to do and help her with alot of things, which i do, she's my absolute life but I'm failing her at the moment x

@chickenegg thank you for your kind words x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:36

@Iflyaway sorry, didn't see your reply before I posted above. I'm glad your found the strength to leave and that your son has turned out so well 💕

I also have to DS's from my first marriage. One is 23 and no longer lives at home, the other is 19 and still lives at home.

My 19 year old is a lovely young man, very respectful etc......

My 23 year old, not so much. Its awful but i do often wonder if its 'learnt' behaviour 😔

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 18/07/2022 21:36

@Rubysmama77 Please don't be scared of being on your own.

Like everything you do in life the beginning is always hard. But you will find your inner strength and come to embrace it. It will open all kinds of doors - there's literally millions of solo mums - and dads! - around the world.
All getting on with it. And being supportive of each other.

Yes, there will be hard times. There will be lonely times. But that is the way of life.

What's that saying? Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

Anyway, it doesn't mean you are "doomed" to be alone forever. I've had some lovely relationships as a solo mum.
And - I love my solo life so much - no-one to tell me what to do ha! - that I will never compromise my life for any man again.

LightSpeeds · 18/07/2022 21:38

Hate to think of you feeling sad and unloved… 😥

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:43

@Iflyaway aww thank you for being so kind 💖 I've suffered with my mental health for years, anxiety, depression.....I think they play a part in my low self esteem and probably why i just 'put up' with what i do. I'm probably going to sound so pathetic here but one of the hardest things is when we're good we literally couldn't be better. He's kind, caring, supportive, funny........but then there's this completely different other side to him. He's got loads of mates, literally loads, and they all think he's great, always a laugh, always there if they need him etc......they just don't see what he can be like behind closed doors. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 21:45

@LightSpeeds 😢 the lovely support on here is making me so emotional, thank you 💕 I don't really have anyone to talk to about it all, to be honest I'm quite embarrassed by it.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 18/07/2022 21:55

I’m sure many of us have put us with some sort of rubbish from blokes (I certainly have)…

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 22:09

@LightSpeeds thank you 💕

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 18/07/2022 22:56

And what would his reaction be if you were doing what he's doing with a guy.

And your responses were "ill speak to who I like", and "i have promised of him cause I want photos of him".

He'd say fair enough, would he?

LooseGoose22 · 18/07/2022 22:57

*photos of him

Original poster
Rubysmama77 · 18/07/2022 23:44

@LooseGoose22 absolutely not! x

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 19/07/2022 03:55

To be really blunt, it reads like you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, who is more than likely having an affair with the woman he is messaging.

I’m sorry, that will be a lot to take in. Try to take an enormous mental and emotional step back and ask yourself how you would view his words and actions if he was a stranger and you didn’t automatically trust him to be honest or to feel some kind of obligation to care for you .

Often relationships with men like this are very confusing h as they speak and act with an aggressive certainty, even though when you take a step back and try to ascertain why they’re saying what they’re saying, there seems to be no reality to ground it in, ie you haven’t said the things he accuses you of, you didn’t do the things he accuses you of, his accusations are general (eg “You’re controlling”) rather than specific (“You scream at me if I say I want to go out with my friends”) or wildly exaggerated (eg “You’re the most inconsiderate person I’ve ever met” when you didn’t think to pick up some beer for him on the way home from work.)

Any of that sound familiar?