What should I make of this? First time posting, please be kind.

[Rubysmama77]

Hi all,

Not really sure why I'm posting on here, I suppose I just wanted some advice as to whether I'm overreacting or not, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.......

So, partner of 12 years, I have access to his email account, its something he gave me access to years ago to sort something out for him but to be honest I think he'd forgotten I had access. I looked on his emails the other day and clicked on his 'sent' ones. There was one with the title 'pics' so curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on it where I found he had several photos of this woman. I could see that they were screenshots that he'd taken off Facebook so could therefore see her name on there. I came off Facebook myself about 2 years ago so i borrowed a friend's phone and searched for her on there and on almost every single one of her selfies (she posts alot) he'd 'heart emoji'd' and left some pretty inappropriate comments that actually really upset me. I confronted him about it and his response was 'I'll speak to who I want' so i then asked why he has photos of her and he said 'because i want photos of her'.......and then he attempted to turn it around on me.........

This isn't the first time I've seen similar things like this and he knows how upset I've been because of it, has said he won't do it again......but now he has. To me the comments on her photos were beyond just 'flirty banter' and its got me wondering what's going on in the 'inbox' if that's why he's saying in public!?

Am I overreacting or do I have a right to feel upset and disrespected??

Sorry for the long post.

@yellowsmileyface your message made me smile......the irony of me asking other people to be kind when I beat myself up so much 🙈 your words were lovely though, thank you. x

@Sartre I think I'm starting to realise this x

He sounds awful. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

You mentioned that you have “suffered with my mental health for years, anxiety, depression.....I think they play a part in my low self esteem” but I reckon if you left him and didn’t have to be on eggshells all the time around him you would find that much of your anxiety, depression and low self esteem issues would disappear….

Everything else aside, you say he calls you names. Who even does this? Bullies, thats who.

Don't have people in your life who call you names. You aren't 5 year old on playground. You don't have to stand for thar shit. Bullies shouldn't have any place in our lives.

Walk away. Hell, run. Run fast and run far.

@Cliffordthebigreddog in all honesty I suffered with those things long before I met him but granted, I do feel it more now though x

@Pinkbonbon thank you x

Yes, your relationship with him is a symptom of your mental health, OP, not the cause of it. The cause will be way back. What was your parents' relationship like with each other? Did they love and respect each other, speak kindly, listen? Did they do this for you? Did you feel respected and heard, as a child?

@Watchkeys my parents relationship wasn't good to be honest. My dad fell very ill when I was about 10 (has since passed away) and my mums response to that was to get with his best friend! It didn't last long anyway and she got with someone else, I didn't like him then and I'm still not a massive fan now......I bought myself up from about the age of 12 and ended up in a psychiatric hospital at the age of 18 due to my depression, probably from my childhood to be honest.

Sorry, you got my life story there 😀 x

So, nobody listened to your needs, and you just had to get on with it and shut up about your feelings, then. And that's what you learned that love felt like.

Can you see how it all makes sense? All you're doing is what all the sane and sorted people do: you're recreating adulthood, as it was demonstrated to you. Once again, you're not at fault; your responses and behaviour are healthy. But the people around you didn't care much about your needs, so if you tried to care about your needs, you didn't fit in.

It's time to start listening to the little girl inside you, who's been screaming to be heard since you actually were a little girl. That's your mental health issues explained, probably, maybe? Do you think?

I've noticed that you and I think so similarly on many threads. OP realising all this stuff can feel so heavy especially when stuff goes way back to your childhood. As previous posters have said please start being kind to yourself xx

@totallyoutnumbered

I've been where OP is, and worked my way out. I suspect that you may have too...

Spot on. And realising my boundaries and behaviours stemmed from childhood was sad and liberating all at once x

Yes! And I also found that the switch from allowing myself to be treated poorly to only engaging in respectful relationships was liberating and terrifying. Liberating for the reason that it made my life so much better and I was so much freer to be myself, and terrifying because suddenly I was responsible for the wellbeing of an adult human being: me.

Sorry for the slight derail, OP, but it might be useful for you. Glad you're making some valuable realisations from the thread. You're in a really good position, just starting to recognise what's up, and what you can do about it. You're on a sort of springboard to a happy life. It was huge for me realising I didn't have to 'do lots of work' on myself, and only change the people around me. It happened in an instant. Walking away from friends/relationships that didn't make me feel good took a while, but the mind-set change was like a penny dropping. You can do it too. You can do it by 4pm if you want!

@Watchkeys perfectly explained, that's pretty much what my childhood was like, I'm kind of coming to realise (mainly through your words) that I've just 'accepted' not really mattering to anybody and to just get on with it......something that I've always continued do.

Time to put my big girl pants on I think, make some changes and realise my worth! 😊

I know its not going to be easy but I've been through, and come out the other side, of some quite awful sad things in my life.....and I'm still here.

Once again, thank you xx

@totallyoutnumbered thank you too xx

I know its not going to be easy but I've been through, and come out the other side, of some quite awful sad things in my life.....and I'm still here

It gets easier once you realise that you ROCK

Life so far has been like emotion-gym... building up your emotional muscles. You can handle a lot, now, and be rock solid.

I wish watchkeys and I knew you in real life, amongst other amazing posters. You'd get the biggest hug. Look at what has changed in your mindset in less than 24hrs. Please keep posting x

@totallyoutnumbered aww me too 🤗 thank you xx

@Watchkeys as always, thank you for your words 💕 xx

Will you be happy when your daughter in 6yrs time tells you about her new boyfriend who shouts at her, calls her names, has her walking on eggshells? That’s what she’s been taught is normal. You need to fully educate her in basic decency, standards, consent, types of abuse, self esteem etc.

You need to fully educate her in basic decency, standards, consent, types of abuse, self esteem etc

And demonstrate to her how to walk away when these basics aren't met.

As others have said, we do all know just what it's like because these relationship dynamics are not uncommon and once you know the patterns, they become quite easy to recognise and even predict (not in the sense that you know when he will behave badly, but when he does, you will no longer instantly feel confused and upset and anxious about whether you've really done something wrong, but will be able to pause, ake a breath and understand, "This isn't about me, he's lashing out because he feels he's losing control or feels ashamed of himself in some way and can't tolerate that so is making me into the problem instead."

This can be quite personally confronting to learn about at first, because you go through a phase of feeling like "Oh god, how did I not know this or see this earlier? It seems so blatant to me now!" One of the hardest things for me when dealing with a similar situation was the eventual recognition that I had been lied to and given false promises from the earliest days of the relationship, treated with very little respect for who I really was, devalued, dismissed, unfairly criticised – and I took it all because I didn't feel I was worth better, and I felt I couldn't have the life I wanted (family, financial security) without him. (The good news is that I absolutely can.)

I should also say that you will probably have to steel yourself to learn a lot of unpleasant things about how your partner behaves under stress that you previously would not have dreamed were possible.

As you already know, he is exquisitely sensitive to stress or insult, and can seem to manufacture outrage out of the smallest things. When he is under genuine stress, these behaviours will escalate substantially. My counsel to you would be to keep quiet as much as possible, work on educating yourself and fortifying your self-esteem and financial independence, and do not start confronting him about his behaviour or talking about separation until you feel in a strong place.

It's also not generally advised to go to couples counselling with someone who behaves abusively. This may well be something he suggests as a way to work on the problems that you "both are causing". In reality, he will be using any strategy he can to deny his role in creating the problems and it is just a technique for clinging onto the relationship until he has fortified his own position.

How are you doing today OP?x

Of course he knows it isn't appropriate when in a relationship, he just doesn't care enough about it to apologise. If you're struggling to know whether something is OK or not, firstly - how you feel about it is the main indicator. If you're not ok with it, that's your line in the sand. If you're still struggling imagine your best friends man did this. How outraged would you be on her behalf? Its very easy to see what a colossal arse this man is from the outside

@CheekyHobson thank you for the great advice 💕 I don't think he'd suggest couples counselling to be honest, he'd end up telling the therapist they were wrong about everything, in fact the therapist would probably need therapy afterwards! 🙈

@supercali77 thank you too, you made some really good points and definately given me something to think about because like you said, I really would be outraged if a friends partner were doing these things to her xx

@totallyoutnumbered I'm ok 'ish' I think. I'd be lying if I said my head is 100% clearer now but the support and advice I've had on here has really helped me see things more clearly and for what they actually are. Thank you so much for asking how I'm doing, it was really kind of you 💕 xx

You take your time. I don't think you really imagined it panning out like this when you first posted even though you've known all along. If that makes sense. It's a shock, yes more clarity but still a shock. Please keep reaching out, people do care xx

@totallyoutnumbered ah thank you 💕 and no, I didn't think it would pan out like this. I originally just wondered if people thought I was overreacting but then once I started to open up a bit more I probably said more than i thought or planned to and in turn, got some great advice, kind words, and started to realise things that I'd probably been burying for a long long while. Anyway, thank you again xx

Please don't be worried about being single. That relief you feel when he's away in the week? That will be how you feel EVERY day if you split up.

He doesn't appear to respect you. He is flirting with other women. He tells you that's your problem and he can do what he likes. He's 'always right'. He sulks. He gets you to apologise when you've done nothing wrong. He does not sound like a loving, supportive, respectful partner. You would, without any doubt whatsoever, be better off without him.

And your children shouldn't have to see this relationship being modelled. Much better that your DD sees a strong and independent mum who knows her worth and doesn't need a man to be fulfilled and happy. Especially not one who treats her so terrible. Your daughter especially will benefit if you separate.

He doesn't deserve you - you sounds far, far too good for him. And you deserve so very much better than he is willing or able to give.

@layladomino thank you for your reply 💕 the advice, support and kind words I'm getting on here and really helping xx