What should I make of this? First time posting, please be kind.

[Rubysmama77]

Hi all,

Not really sure why I'm posting on here, I suppose I just wanted some advice as to whether I'm overreacting or not, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.......

So, partner of 12 years, I have access to his email account, its something he gave me access to years ago to sort something out for him but to be honest I think he'd forgotten I had access. I looked on his emails the other day and clicked on his 'sent' ones. There was one with the title 'pics' so curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on it where I found he had several photos of this woman. I could see that they were screenshots that he'd taken off Facebook so could therefore see her name on there. I came off Facebook myself about 2 years ago so i borrowed a friend's phone and searched for her on there and on almost every single one of her selfies (she posts alot) he'd 'heart emoji'd' and left some pretty inappropriate comments that actually really upset me. I confronted him about it and his response was 'I'll speak to who I want' so i then asked why he has photos of her and he said 'because i want photos of her'.......and then he attempted to turn it around on me.........

This isn't the first time I've seen similar things like this and he knows how upset I've been because of it, has said he won't do it again......but now he has. To me the comments on her photos were beyond just 'flirty banter' and its got me wondering what's going on in the 'inbox' if that's why he's saying in public!?

Am I overreacting or do I have a right to feel upset and disrespected??

Sorry for the long post.

@CheekyHobson sadly yes, most of that sounds very familiar........thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I feel like it was quite an eye opener and maybe I'm not just 'going mad' like I thought I might be. x

The feeling that you're going mad is a red flag in itself. Ask yourself if you ever feel as if you're going mad with, say, your best friend. How about a sibling? Long-term colleagues? I'm going to guess not. Feeling confused and uncertain with one person is usually not a sign that you're going mad because if you really were going mad, you'd feel the same way with everyone. It's a sign that the person who makes you feel crazy is messing with your head.

What you're feeling is cognitive dissonance. That means trying to hold two opposing thoughts in your head at the same time. Like "My husband loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me" and "My husband is flirting with other women and when I say that hurts me, he doesn't seem to care". Or "My husband is a fundamentally decent man" and "My husband is abusing me".

Trying to believe both things at once is stressful. What's even more stressful is a deeper, perhaps less acknowledged feeling that the second thought in both those sets of opposing thoughts is the one that is based in reality, but because you're meant to love your husband, you feel sick and guilty and unlovable when you start thinking things that feel unkind, like "He's hurting me and doesn't even care" or "He's abusive and not a decent man."

The first thing is to start acknowledging your actual feelings without judging them. Like, "I feel sad and hurt and angry", without adding "but I shouldn't because he can be great sometimes." Start taking a step back from how you think you "should" feel or how your husband wants you to feel and start listening to yourself. Writing everything down can help a lot.

@CheekyHobson actually no, now I've thought about it no one else makes me feel like I'm going mad or makes me doubt myself like this. You speak and make alot of sense, you've given me alot to think about and questions to ask myself......thank you 💕

Am I overreacting or do I have a right to feel upset and disrespected

How do you think it gets decided what you do and don't have the right to feel, @Rubysmama77 ? This is a genuine question. What set of standards or judgements is it that you're trying to stick to or obey? Who is 'the boss', and gets to say whether your feelings are right or wrong? Who, essentially, is responsible for making sure you do things 'right'?

The answer to this question will help you massively with your mental health issues, and with getting out of this relationship, and avoiding other abusive relationships in the future.

Who is in charge of you? Do you know?

The feeling that you're going mad is a red flag in itself

Well said, @CheekyHobson . Red flags can be identified not by the other person's behaviour, but by our own emotional responses to them. Nobody has to be doing anything wrong for the red flag feeling to come up, although it will always come up if the other party does do something wrong. But someone might get the red flag feeling if the new person they're dating goes out clubbing all the time, for example. There's nothing wrong with doing that, but if it makes you uncomfortable, it's the discomfort that signifies that this is not the relationship for you.

OP, turn away from anybody with whom you feel bad. That's all you ever need to know about upholding strong and healthy boundaries. It'll help you right now because you'll understand that you're not going mad; the less time you spend with him, the less time you feel you're going mad, right? So if you spend no time with him at all, you won't feel like you're going mad at all.

OP what cheeky describes was also my life with my EXH I absolutely adored him and stayed for far too long hoping he would go back to the wonderful man he was when we first met. When I finally realised that person was just an act I woke up quite quickly. Me and my kids have been the happiest since though the gaslighting still carried on I could see it so much clearer. Be assured that men like this are "crazy making" and it's absolutely isn't you. I'm now with a man who treats me and my kids with respect. He can't even begin to fathom why someone would be so cruel. I'm sorry you are going through the same but please know you deserve so much more and being single is so much better than looking over your shoulder like this x

@Rubysmama77 I found that my H was "heart emoji-ing" an ex work colleagues selfies on fb a few months ago. Never of her kids and her, just the ones of her pouting on her own.
I felt utterly disrespected after 21 years together. I also then discovered they'd been having an emotional affair for a few months and he'd taken her out while I'd been away with DD on a little holiday.

So it was off you fuck - best thing I've done!!! Don't let him disrespect you, you deserve better 💐

You don't sound pathetic at all. This man has done a real job on you. He's abusive OP. It's harsh to hear I know but that's exactly what he is. The embarrassment I totally understand, the shame is not yours to carry. Please reach out to someone you trust. This isn't your fault x

OP you need to leave him

Thank you all for your kind words and support, I appreciate it more than you know 💕 I've held back far more than I've disclosed on here about our 'relationship' and how he is towards me........its strange though because its like alot of you just 'know' even without me saying more than I have.

He works away in the week and the truth is the whole house just feels so much more relaxed.......and then the weekend comes and its like the whole atmosphere just 'shifts' if that makes any sense?

I think I know deep down that I deserve better......I just need to work on myself and bring it to the surface. I know I'm not a bad person and no one has ever told me or insinuated that I am, apart from him........

Kind of says it all really doesn't it 😔

Again, thank you all, I feel much less alone x

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You've had some excellent advice on this thread, but I wanted to offer some solidarity as I've been there myself.

It's shocking how boldly and shamelessly he defends his right to talk to whoever he wants in this situation. It's understandable, given his lack of apparent shame or guilt, that you would question your right to be upset. If he acts like he hasn't done anything wrong, of course it's confusing. This is part of the manipulation. It's gaslighting. Your feelings about something are always valid, no matter how the other person responds.

He uses the DARVO technique to enable him to play the victim in any situation, and to not have to apologise for anything. It's the most frustrating thing to engage with because you just can't win. It's trains you not to speak up for yourself or confront them about anything because you know you'll end up being the one to apologise. I'd suggest reading up about it, it really opened my eyes.

Lastly, you're not pathetic. Your partner is the pathetic one. I really encourage you to leave this relationship, and in time I assure you you'll see that that's true. Negative self talk is very much a symptom of abuse, and once you've had some distance from the relationship, you'll think about yourself and him very differently.

You don't need to work on yourself, you need to listen to yourself.

That part of you inside that he hurts... that's your heart and soul. That's the real you. And until you start to heed what it says ('I don't like this, please take me somewhere else'), it will keep screaming at you, and that's where mental health issues stem from.

There's a crying child inside you; listen to her. She'll quieten when you're in healthy situations that meet your needs, and she'll scream and tantrum when you insist on keeping her somewhere where she's abused. That's why 'feeling you're going mad' is a red flag. That doesn't happen in healthy circumstances. It's a signpost. Start following the signposts.

You deserve better. Just a thought, if he's commenting on her photos it's probably visible to other people too so he's humiliating you publicly as well. He's clearly over this relationship.

@yellowsmileyface thank you 💕 so much of what you said makes alot of sense to me, I feel alot of the things you've just described and I'm going to read up about the DARVO technique because it sounds like it could be very relevant to my situation, once again, thank you x

@Watchkeys thank you for your advice and your words again 💕

@Mally100 I actually said the same thing to him myself! My words to him were 'they all must think I'm a right twat'......I'm starting to realise through this thread that maybe its not me that looks like a twat! x

Off course you are not the twat, he is! Leave him op. Nobody should ever treat you this badly. And if you left him, people will know it must be due to his public declarations to other women. Your 10yo dd needs a better role model than him.

A few years ago my adult DD got into a relationship with a guy who didn't treat her well. Not abusive or anything, just not well. He tried to make out like how he behaved was normal and she was the one with the problem. She eventually ended the relationship. She later told me that always in the back of her mind was 'What would Dad do? Would he be like that with Mum?' It really brought home the importance of setting good standards for our daughters growing up. What they see us accept is what they'll end up accepting themselves.

Why would anybody think you were a twat for having your partner lying to you? None of what's happening is about you. All the drama is his. Your only mistake is to keep being around him. I remember realising this: the only thing wrong with me is my partner. Everything else was fine!

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this position, do not deny your reality.Iit is not your fault, any of it. Remember that.

@CheekyHobson has hit the nail on the head, such a great explanation.

You can take steps to live independantly of him, I have been there and even though it feels impossible it can be done. The "when we're good we're amazing" is no accident, that's a tactic to keep you on the hook. I had a similar situation and finding something on a pc was an absolute turning point for me, it wasn't so much what I found, it was his reaction. You aren't going mad, this is by design, to keep you confused and on the back foot.

The Freedom Programme is a really great place to start, it's a bit of an old school clunky website but well worth it in terms of content.

Womens' Aid have an excellent chat service which is easy to use and will put you in touch with a support worker almost immediately, who can then offer help and support.

........its strange though because its like a lot of you just 'know' even without me saying more than I have.

We do know! This is the absolute beauty of Mumsnet. Many women have been through the same sort of thing and recognise the the dynamics, the script, the behaviours etc etc. We know what will come next, just how you're feeling, how you need to find your anger at such crap treatment to spur you on to make changes. You do not deserve to be treated as second best in a relationship, ever.

Best of luck

Thank you all again for all your kind words and advice. I don't think I realised until this point how low I really am 😔

Sad truth is I've based all my happiness on how he is towards me. If we're getting on I'm relatively happy, but am almost always treading on eggshells, but I feel alot less down and sad......

When we're not getting on, which he can, and will often drag out for weeks, I feel really low, miserable and 'lost'......and more often that not I'll apologise (even when I genuinely don't believe I've done anything wrong) I'll say I'll 'try harder' and if it suits him at that time he'll 'forgive' me, sometimes apologise for how he's treated me and spoken to me and then we'll kind of 'move on'......

It rarely lasts though and I more than often feel like he looks for excuses to fall out with me, over honestly the tiniest things, and it's never ever been just a simple disagreement with him, he seems to feel the need to full on fall out with me, even when I try really hard to diffuse the situation, and like I said, this can then drag on for weeks.

Even reading that back myself I know I sound pathetic. I really do appreciate all your words and advice though and they've all given me alot to think about xx

I'm struck by two things you have said:*
*
I feel quite ashamed to say though I'm scared of being on my own.

But later:

He works away in the week and the truth is the whole house just feels so much more relaxed.......and then the weekend comes and its like the whole atmosphere just 'shifts' if that makes any sense?

Could it be that the feelings you have when you think of living alone (with your DD and DS) are excitement and yearning, not really fear?

Imagine a place that's just yours. It may not be much to start with, and you may not have much to start with... but it will be all yours. Imagine the possibilities...

Good luck OP.

Stop calling yourself pathetic, unless you think that's a kind, fair, decent way to talk to someone. This whole situation is being permitted by you because you think that it's ok to put you down. You do it, and you accept him doing it.

Treat yourself well. Be your own mother. Nurture yourself. If you're nurturing someone, would you tell them they were pathetic?

This is the root of the whole problem: something goes wrong, and you feel that it's due to something that's wrong with you. But he is the one being unpleasant, and displaying unhealthy relationship behaviours. Your behaviours would fit right in, in a healthy relationship; you're loving, forgiving, caring, trusting, kind, reasonable... the only problem is that you insist on standing in harm's way. Move out of its path.

@WiseUpJanetWeiss that is actually a really good point you have just made and something I've never really thought about or asked myself. Accommodation wise I rent but it's solely in my name so I know in terms of that I'd be ok. Thank you for giving me something to think about x

@Watchkeys you really do speak so much sense and the things your saying are exactly what I need to hear 💕 I'm feeling some inner strength that I've not really felt before from this post.....thank you x

I'm glad that we've given you a lot to think about. I'm sure it will take some time to fully process, and that's okay. Show yourself compassion.

I've noticed that you requested in the title to "please be kind", yet you're not showing yourself the kindness you requested of us.

I can completely relate to the negative self talk, but try to challenge those thoughts and be kind to yourself.

He obviously doesn’t care about you or your feelings hence his cold hearted reaction. He’ll continue doing this and probably much worse if you stick around, the relationship is over.