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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter and BF have split up - I feel bereaved, please help!!

73 replies

Mccool · 18/07/2022 18:22

I have seen similar threads where people who feel sad about the break up of their adult children's relationship are sometimes ridiculed and made to feel like weird creeps - I hope that's not how this will go...

My 20 yo DD just split with her boyfriend of a year. They were happy, had just been on their second holiday etc. He was and is lovely (not perfect) but a joy to have around. She is an only child and so there is only me, her and her stepdad around in the house so it was nice to have an extra person around and he became very much part of the family. She finished it in haste and he held her to her word. They split on Friday and no contact since. She deeply regrets it and is heartbroken, wont eat, just sleeping the usual and my heart is breaking for her.

But on top of that I feel like I am fully grieving for this loss. He felt like a son. The feeling inside feels very similar to when my dad passed from Covid, it feels so sudden and final. I know it's bonkers. I know it's my job to comfort my daughter and I am doing every moment of every day since Friday - and I feel terrible. I know change happens and that she will be fine and go on and meet someone new. But I feel sick to the pit of my belly, I don't know what to do with myself and feel that I'm massively overreacting in my own emotions, but don't know how to deal with them. My husband is obviously sad too for our daughter, but pragmatic and 'life goes on' - in short, a man's response. Why can't I achieve the same? And how do I? I will miss her ex but I know that will fade, what to do in the meantime?

OP posts:
dolphinsarentcommon · 18/07/2022 18:26

Well there's at least 2 things here

Firstly you don't want to see your daughter upset and unhappy.. about anything

Secondly we welcome their partners in to the family and invest time and emotions forming a real relationship, so of course losing that too hurts.

I don't think you should feel embarrassed, especially as you're helping your daughter as your priority

Babdoc · 18/07/2022 18:32

I sympathise, OP. I was very fond of DD1’s boyfriend at uni, and entertained hopes they might end up together. His mother (who lives over 200 miles away) and I still exchange Christmas cards and chat on FB!
DD ended it for perfectly good reasons, which I of course accept, but it took a while for me to come to terms with it.
The lad himself said that I would have been “a great MIL”, and was v sad when DD left him.
There is no quick fix - just “tincture of time”, as my lovely Irish hospital colleague used to say. Try to be supportive of your DD, don’t say too much/the wrong thing, and just let it heal. When she is happily settled with a new partner that you also like, the current one will have faded into “the one who got away”, and all will be well.

Sunshineandrainbow · 18/07/2022 18:36

I understand op, Dd 25 split with her boyfriend of 4 years last summer. I was devastated and still occasionally feel that pain. He was at our house every other weekend.
Dd has got on with her life and I hope he has too.

Sunshineandrainbow · 18/07/2022 18:36

I understand op, Dd 25 split with her boyfriend of 4 years last summer. I was devastated and still occasionally feel that pain. He was at our house every other weekend.
Dd has got on with her life and I hope he has too.

dotdotdotdash · 18/07/2022 18:36

I respect your feelings and it’s sad for you all, but if it’s really hit you hard it may be related to something else in your life that you haven’t processed fully? Is that possible.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t share the full extent of your feelings with your DD.

Roselilly36 · 18/07/2022 18:38

Aww handhold OP. It’s a shame when a relationship breaks down. My DS has a lovely GF I would be upset if they broke up too. Just be there for your DD. And see what the next few weeks brings. Good luck.

Badger1970 · 18/07/2022 18:40

I've got 3 DD's, and have been through this now a few times.

I still welcome them into the family and love them with our whole hearts but have shed many tears at times too. But I've always trusted my DD's to make the right decisions for them, and they have always turned out to be right.

It's perfectly normal to feel like you do. And it never gets easier. They may be able to work it through, it's early days but if not, she'll meet someone else Flowers

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2022 18:42

I felt like this when ds broke up with his gf.

He seems fine, l still miss her. They seemed so right together.

Original poster
Mccool · 18/07/2022 18:42

@dotdotdotdash I agree, there may be something deep rooted, I'm just not sure what. In terms of sharing the feelings, I'm definitely trying not too, further than empathising how gutted she is and following the flow of her emotions i.e. remembering his good points and agreeing he wasn't perfect as and when those feelings rise to the surface for her. I just want to take her (and me) and fast forward her 3 months into the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mccool · 18/07/2022 18:54

We have laughed a little today as I've likened it to getting attached to a bloody hamster in that they're here and you love them to death and then they'e gone! This is her 2nd boyfriend since she was 17 and that lasted about the same amount of time - and I know she is young and will be fine. I just miss the extra body in the house more than anything I think. To be very clear though, I was never wanting to have more than one child and DD has 3 younger siblings on her dad's side. So it's not for want of missing an extra child or anything. I think it's just that I want her to be happy and settled and he was quite genuinely a bit of a catch all round and treated her very well and was a nice person to have in the house. Always respectful, always joined in etc. But it can't have been perfect can it or it would not be finished :(

OP posts:
Hutchy16 · 18/07/2022 18:57

I’m going to sound awful but…she is 20, he doesn’t have to be her one…it was her relationship not yours…it was only a year

of course she is sad, and you should be sad for her, but you definitely shouldn’t be sad for yourself…

get a grip

Original poster
Mccool · 18/07/2022 19:02

@Hutchy16 I'd love my mind to work like yours, it would honestly be easier. Coach me??! Explain how getting a grip would look because I honestly would like to get my emotions in check. How do you suppress empathy, like you have here?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2022 19:08

Get a grip

Isnt it normal to get attached to your childrens ither 1/2. DS was 28, so not 20. I really liked her and miss her.

Mosaic123 · 18/07/2022 19:12

It's a type of grief that you are going through.

You will get over it, just a matter of time. The fact that you know it's not particularly appropriate to be this upset means things will be ok in the end.

Coyoacan · 18/07/2022 19:43

Maybe not so dramatically as you, but I hate it. We are supposed to welcome these people into our home, express an interest in them and sometimes we are expected to make friends with their parents, but God forbid we should continue being friends with them after our offspring has decided to split with them. I find it very wearing.

Hutchy16 · 18/07/2022 20:06

Mccool · 18/07/2022 19:02

@Hutchy16 I'd love my mind to work like yours, it would honestly be easier. Coach me??! Explain how getting a grip would look because I honestly would like to get my emotions in check. How do you suppress empathy, like you have here?

Sorry, I’m trying tough love, not nastiness.

i just think that you need to try to pull yourself together and consider that your daughter loved this guy, and now they aren’t together, and you are acting like you have lost a child

i get that it’s tough on you, but come on…you need to pull yourself together for your daughter because having a pity party is selfish

Hutchy16 · 18/07/2022 20:10

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/07/2022 19:08

Get a grip

Isnt it normal to get attached to your childrens ither 1/2. DS was 28, so not 20. I really liked her and miss her.

But did you have a pity party and start a post talking about feeling bereaved??? It’s just so out of touch…people reading the threads today will have actually been bereaved recently…

you wouldn’t say, I could feel him undressing me with his eyes, I feel raped - because that would not be ok for rape victims. You wouldn’t say, my period was late but now it’s here, I feel like I’ve had a miscarriage, because it would be offensive to people who have suffered through these things…

the op has to put on her big girl pants, realise that relationships end, and be there for her daughter. She can’t make any of it about her, because that’s not fair on her daughter.

just my opinion, and maybe my last message came across more harsh than I intended, but we can choose to be stronger than this…op can choose to be stronger than this

AMindNeedsBooks · 18/07/2022 20:26

Hutchy16 · 18/07/2022 20:10

But did you have a pity party and start a post talking about feeling bereaved??? It’s just so out of touch…people reading the threads today will have actually been bereaved recently…

you wouldn’t say, I could feel him undressing me with his eyes, I feel raped - because that would not be ok for rape victims. You wouldn’t say, my period was late but now it’s here, I feel like I’ve had a miscarriage, because it would be offensive to people who have suffered through these things…

the op has to put on her big girl pants, realise that relationships end, and be there for her daughter. She can’t make any of it about her, because that’s not fair on her daughter.

just my opinion, and maybe my last message came across more harsh than I intended, but we can choose to be stronger than this…op can choose to be stronger than this

Show quote history

This message came across worse. OP doesn't want to feel like this but she does and her feelings are valid, not to mention her daughter's feelings. You sound awful.

OP, my Dad felt like this after my step sister and her boyfriend split up. My Dad is the LAST person to enjoy a 'pity party' but like you, had taken the boy into the family and bonded over several years. I believe they still keep in touch over FB but at the time I think it is grieving because he didn't have any say in the bf not being part of the family anymore and obviously had to support my DSS decision.

It's not been a long time and if your DD has changed her mind then she can always speak to him and they can discuss how they got to this stage. If it's not salvageable then really it's taking the time to get used to it. Accept your feelings as they are now and that you'll all move on.

dolphinsarentcommon · 18/07/2022 20:39

@Hutchy16 your posts are getting more hurtful and less helpful. OP has already said she knows her daughter is the priority and is supporting her. She's asking for support with her feelings.. feelings which are real for her despite your opinion she's not entitled to them.

Have a heart.

Original poster
Mccool · 18/07/2022 21:17

@Hutchy16 , as per your post...I am recently bereaved, did you see? So nothing I'm saying is disrespectful to recently bereaved people, I am saying this feeling feels very much like my own recemt bereavement of my dad. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's the loss of two loved male members of our family. Whatever it is, I am struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mccool · 18/07/2022 21:20

Thank you to everyone who has empathised and understood. It feels ridiculous to feel this way but most people can't switch emotions on and off (wish I could,)

OP posts:
Hutchy16 · 19/07/2022 00:43

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad, I really am, I just don’t see how the two are comparable. Maybe it’s just because it has come after the loss of your dad, but they are definitely very different things.

anyway, I apologise for any hurt or offended I’ve caused. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone, I just feel as though you need to put a brave face on for your daughter. I appreciate that not everyone can compartmentalise their feelings, but as a parent you just have to pretend that you are ok until you actually are ok.

Boyfriends will come and go, and it was only a short relationship. She will find the right one, and that man will become family

Catlover1970 · 19/07/2022 04:21

Hutchy16 · 19/07/2022 00:43

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad, I really am, I just don’t see how the two are comparable. Maybe it’s just because it has come after the loss of your dad, but they are definitely very different things.

anyway, I apologise for any hurt or offended I’ve caused. I genuinely didn’t mean to upset anyone, I just feel as though you need to put a brave face on for your daughter. I appreciate that not everyone can compartmentalise their feelings, but as a parent you just have to pretend that you are ok until you actually are ok.

Boyfriends will come and go, and it was only a short relationship. She will find the right one, and that man will become family

You are a little bit human after all

Catlover1970 · 19/07/2022 04:24

OP it definitely sounds like your reaction is linked to the recent loss of your dad. But It is hard when you get attached to a child’s partner. I know From experience how hard it is when they get their hearts broken. Things will get better xx

JustHarriet · 19/07/2022 04:28

You can see the generally held attitude towards grief is 'get a grip' and 'snap out of it' and if you tried to do this with other losses in your life you may be feeling an accumulation of grief over these other losses, on top of the understandable grief of losing someone who came to feel part of your family. It could be helpful to find a counselor to unpack this with.