Daughter and BF have split up - I feel bereaved, please help!!

[Mccool]

I have seen similar threads where people who feel sad about the break up of their adult children's relationship are sometimes ridiculed and made to feel like weird creeps - I hope that's not how this will go...

My 20 yo DD just split with her boyfriend of a year. They were happy, had just been on their second holiday etc. He was and is lovely (not perfect) but a joy to have around. She is an only child and so there is only me, her and her stepdad around in the house so it was nice to have an extra person around and he became very much part of the family. She finished it in haste and he held her to her word. They split on Friday and no contact since. She deeply regrets it and is heartbroken, wont eat, just sleeping the usual and my heart is breaking for her.

But on top of that I feel like I am fully grieving for this loss. He felt like a son. The feeling inside feels very similar to when my dad passed from Covid, it feels so sudden and final. I know it's bonkers. I know it's my job to comfort my daughter and I am doing every moment of every day since Friday - and I feel terrible. I know change happens and that she will be fine and go on and meet someone new. But I feel sick to the pit of my belly, I don't know what to do with myself and feel that I'm massively overreacting in my own emotions, but don't know how to deal with them. My husband is obviously sad too for our daughter, but pragmatic and 'life goes on' - in short, a man's response. Why can't I achieve the same? And how do I? I will miss her ex but I know that will fade, what to do in the meantime?

A loss is a loss. It is normal to grieve for any loss of relationship.

I feel similar. Ds1 finished with his gf of 2 years. She was lovely, was here a lot, came on holiday with us. I took them both to their prom. I have no problem with them finishing as such, going off to uni 'free'. But, She took it really badly and hasn't spoken to him since. My fear is that he was insensitive and didn't finish it well. Hutchy's words aren't helpful. I don't need to pull up my big girls knickers. It's their relationship, his life, not mine. I do know that. I'm well aware. But it's my moral duty to mould my child, teach him to behave well and treat people kindly.

I feel your pain OP and I'm sorry for your loss.
DD has just lost her grandad. And now her boyfriend. Why is this all about you?
Be a parent FFS.

She is 20. You shouldn’t be taking her relationships this seriously. There is a small chance one of them might last, but the odds aren’t high.

the best way to support her would be to understand that at this age she is just dating. That doesn’t mean belittling her relationships, but don’t start treating them like they mean more than they actually do.

My teenage DD broke up with her first boyfriend yesterday and I feel gutted!

He’s such a lovely boy and treated her very well, and it was a huge shock when she decided to end it. I certainly didn’t expect to feel like this either!

I think because he is such a lovely boy I’m struggling with the idea of him hurting. He has a very sad family situation going on at the moment too, and I feel awful that he now has another thing causing him upset.

DD is fine, she made the best decision for her. I hope they can remain friends.

I haven’t had the same experience as you Mccool but during 2020 I lost my Dad to Covid and my daughter’s partner and son’s father both had very serious (still ongoing) new health problems. For me there’s definitely been a compounding effect. Suddenly the three men who were the most solid and reliable male family members were gone or in need of significant care.

Facing family upsets before who would I have talked to? Dad.

I just thought of the film A Single Man because I wanted to say something about grief that is invisible or has to be hidden. I experienced serious hidden grief about a personal loss about 20 years ago. It was hard but did eventually pass and life moved on. It may sound daft but, to use your empathy on yourself, perhaps you could watch A Single Man or other suitable weepy and have a good cry.

In terms of helping your daughter through her pain I remember eons ago coming across a useful technique which involved remembering vividly times when ex partner had behaved badly and then running them together in your mind like a film. The aim isn’t about being fair it’s trying to stop your own addictive longing and grieving for someone - being stuck in it - might have been NLP/Paul McKenna type thing.

You are enough. You are there for your daughter and she is there for you.

You are perfectly reasonable to feel as you do! As another poster said, we put a lot of time and effort into getting to know a person our loved ones bring home, that is what everyone hopes from their family after all...

I'm afraid when i first read this I was in the ' get a grip' camp, but as you say, how do you do that?

Maybe try something like The Breakup Coach podcast How to Get Over Your Ex - you should be able to convert some of the advice for yourself.

But please keep reminding yourself that this was the most likely outcome given her age, and that it was 'only' a year and she will get over it.

That said, if she regrets it and wants him back, has she told him that?

OP, if it helps I was the daughter in your situation.
My mum was sad when my first serious BF and I split after 2 years (she didn't have the loss of a parent included though) she did what it sounds like you're doing. Kept it together with me, was strong through my tears, distracted me when needed etc.
I only knew how down she was over it when I overheard her and dad talking a fortnight or so after the break up. She was telling him how she didn't feel as sad as to begin with and she thought I was starting to come out the other side.

As others have said its perfectly normal to feel loss when you've invested so much time and energy in someone. Keep going, you've got this.

Your reaction is so weird. Your Dd is 20 and had been with her ex for 1 year. I could understand if she was 25 and had been with her bf for 5 years, but this is teen love, not real love. Obviously her bf wasn’t what your Dd wanted and it’s kind of unfair to the ex for your Dd to dump him and then ask him to take her back. Their brains are still developing (assuming they’re the same age) and learning.

Also, how can you say that the death of a parent and your Dd dumping a boy she’s known for a year are on the same level playing field?

Op I am sorry for the loss of your dad.

However, you knew this person for a year. They aren’t similar to a son in anyway. And his function wasn’t to make your house feel fuller for you. He wasn’t there for you at all.

and yes, this is part of life and part of being parenting. That people come into our lives that are only there because of a person we love. When they are no longer attached m, those ties break. They weren’t married. He isn’t the father of your grandkids, he hasn’t been there for 20 years.

Bit I don’t think this about him at all. My mum died in December. I am feelings things much deeper since she died. In the last 2 weeks 3 people have lost someone they love. 2 were children, the other was murdered. I didn’t know the people who died, directly.

Before mum died I would have been sad. I would felt so sad for the families. But when these things happened, it nearly broke me. I have, like you, kept it to myself. Because no one who has lost someone wants to hear someone vaguely involved is heart broken. I need to concentrate on supporting them. But I feel devastated.

Even small things hurt deeper that they did this time last year.

This is my experience and I wonder if it’s not really about the ex boyfriend at all. That it’s your grief over your dad. It’s bringing up connected feelings of someone being there and then just being gone. Bringing back the sadness of that time.

have you had bereavement counselling? Is this something you think you may want? It’s worth thinking about.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Remember in the past couples spouses actually use to cal MIL - Mum and really mean it and (if the relationship was good) that feeling went two ways . And those spouses were usually the first big relationship.

cause marriage is so throw away and so are long relationships these days we’ve lost that. Your meant to feel attached to the man you trust to look after your daughter physically and emotionally, that is natural. It’s society that’s wrong for making you feel like it’s not.

Basically you invest in the relationship and then it is gone. You might not be able to see the signs of things coming to an end so it is a shock. My child's girlfriend definitely partly filled a gap when my daughter went to uni. I was just sad, and I think you feel responsible for everyone's feelings and want to know your child behaved well. Since this experience I have definitely invested less, I have welcomed them into the family but have spotted the signs of things not being as good as they could be so it hasn't been the same shock when it is over.

Yeah, you're right.

You do sound awful.

You're just compounding it, the OP HAS been supporting her daughter, she's come on here for a bit if understanding & support for her feelings, which she's allowed to have.

it's not 'tough love' it's just lacking empathy & being nasty.

It's just diverting the grief from losing your father and now it's about DDs ex boyfriend's exit.
Consider OP.
Many condolences for you and DDs loss of your dad 💐

FGS she IS 'being a parent'. She's supporting her daughter! She's come here for support from other parents for HER feelings, being a parent doesn't mean you no longer have your own feelings.

All endings can feel like mini bereavements
hence the heart break diet !

id say after losing dad to lose another male family ‘member’ that you cared for is going to sting

it’s ok to feel sad ! And the more you suppress it
the longer it will last

id imagine some other stuff is tied up in this too , as you said losing your dad so recently too xxx

but you are human not a robot xxx and we are complex animals

So sorry OP. This has reminded me that my mum used to adore some of my. and my sibling's, partners when we were young. (I did too actually) and we would still talk about them years and years later. The nice ones really added to our family life. I guess it's also lovely to see your children growing into adults and forming positive loving relationships, and is quite sn intense time.

I think these GFs and BFs saw my mum as a real person, not just 'mum' and would have really great chats with her and listen to her properly. These people that came into our lives for a short time but made an impact on our family and were remembered fondly for many years. Same with certain childhood friends. It's felt like a real loss when the breakup happens.

I was just thinking of the family of the boyfriend I had at a similar age today. It was a lovely relationship but a difficult break up with no ongoing contact.
I missed the boy most of all but I also missed his family and like I said today (fifteen years later) his folks crossed my mind again and I just thought fondly of them and hoped they were all doing well.
My romantic relationship was with their son but at that age you also become an 'extra' in their family in some ways. I missed sitting at their kitchen table, chatting. They were funny, kind, I liked them. They were good people and extra losses on top of the loss of the main relationship. There's no ill will/breakdown there like with the romantic relationship, just people you like suddenly not being around/accessible to you anymore.
I think that's a legitimate reason to be sad, and unexpected change and adjustment is always hard especially when it comes with sadness for someone as close to you as a daughter. I think it is likely to hit you hard after a similar loss (thinking of your Father passing) - not similar relationship wise but similar in the fact it was an unwanted ending that was out of your control which leaves your life feeling emptier afterward.
I wouldn't fight it OP. I'd own it as your own mini grief and keep it separate from your daughter's. You know it will pass and it will, and remembering that is really the only sensible approach you can take, and the closest thing to 'getting a grip' that I can think of, and you are doing that.
It also might have been a really lovely relationship that ended for no other real reason than that the people in it were 20. You don't have to think badly of the boy. It's just the way of things for the vast majority of relationships at that age.
It was lovely, he was lovely, now it's over and everyone is sad.
That is ok.
I think you can be grateful that her early relationship experiences were with someone who was worthy of her and that fitted into your family. That's a really good sign for the future.
It will all be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, it's not the end.
Wishing you and your daughter kindness and comfort as you all adjust. Best wishes OP.

^^this.

I also think the way your feeling is perhaps linked to the loss of your father. If it was covid related then it must be relatively fresh. I’m sorry for your loss.

Continue to support your daughter and process your feelings quietly and discreetly. You 100% know your daughter has every right to end a relationship that’s not right for her/at the right time of life - she’s made the best decision for her. Celebrate the fact she’s a young woman who doesn’t want to stay in a relationship she’s not happy with. That’s a valuable life skill.

A little different but I really miss some of my youngest brothers girlfriends, from over 20 years ago.

TBH they had a lucky escape but we had real friendships, I'm only in touch with one, who worked where I worked, she's fabulous and great fun.

So when do you start taking it seriously? As they walk down the aisle? When the third grandchild is born? In the real world, plenty of people are happily married or partnered to their teen/early 20s boyfriend or girlfriend, despite MN thinking it’s a weird anomaly.

DD’s boyfriend was a huge part of our family. They were best friends from 14 so he’d always been around, and when they got together he was included in everything. He came on holiday with us and DD went with his family. All the grandparents treated him like another grandchild, and he was just a really nice lad.

They had so many plans for the future like going travelling and then saving for a deposit. Just after DD’s 21st birthday they split up. There were no rows or tears, it was just…finished. I was really sad, as were all the family. It’s hard to lose someone who’s been part of the furniture for 7 years.

Wait until they get married and then divorce! I used to get quite attached to some of my Ds's girlfriends.
Last year DS1 and his wife divorced, the whole family were devastated especially as the divorce was as a result of something initially beyond either of their control.
My ex DIL has moved away from the area we live so we have been to visit her in her new home.
In essence your relationship with previous DC's partners is just that "your relationship" and if you wish to still have contact then thats something you have to work out between you and your DC.
I have sympathy OP I know how you feel, there have been some very nice "partners" over the years (and some not so nice) you can only be there for your DC