Daughter and BF have split up - I feel bereaved, please help!!

[Mccool]

I have seen similar threads where people who feel sad about the break up of their adult children's relationship are sometimes ridiculed and made to feel like weird creeps - I hope that's not how this will go...

My 20 yo DD just split with her boyfriend of a year. They were happy, had just been on their second holiday etc. He was and is lovely (not perfect) but a joy to have around. She is an only child and so there is only me, her and her stepdad around in the house so it was nice to have an extra person around and he became very much part of the family. She finished it in haste and he held her to her word. They split on Friday and no contact since. She deeply regrets it and is heartbroken, wont eat, just sleeping the usual and my heart is breaking for her.

But on top of that I feel like I am fully grieving for this loss. He felt like a son. The feeling inside feels very similar to when my dad passed from Covid, it feels so sudden and final. I know it's bonkers. I know it's my job to comfort my daughter and I am doing every moment of every day since Friday - and I feel terrible. I know change happens and that she will be fine and go on and meet someone new. But I feel sick to the pit of my belly, I don't know what to do with myself and feel that I'm massively overreacting in my own emotions, but don't know how to deal with them. My husband is obviously sad too for our daughter, but pragmatic and 'life goes on' - in short, a man's response. Why can't I achieve the same? And how do I? I will miss her ex but I know that will fade, what to do in the meantime?

They were only together a year. Think you need to get some perspective. There will be other boyfriends.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot So when do you start taking it seriously? As they walk down the aisle? When the third grandchild is born? In the real world, plenty of people are happily married or partnered to their teen/early 20s boyfriend or girlfriend, despite MN thinking it’s a weird anomaly.

I would say 2 years. 1 year is nothing. Most people aren’t married in their early 20s. Average age was around 26 in the 19th century.

www.statista.com/statistics/557962/average-age-at-marriage-england-and-wales/

I was with my boyfriend at age 16 for 3 years and he was like another member of our household by the end. My mum was gutted when I finished it, she tried to hide it but I knew she was. It made it much harder for me because I felt bad i had finished it for him and for her as well!! I had lots of shit boyfriends after but now I'm married to someone my mum absolutely loves.( and so do I 🤣)

@HazelBite

Yep, people used to call their spouses parents “mum” and “dad” and it meant something. Now it’s MIl and FIL and everyone’s very aware it could end at any time. Sad.

I’m still in touch with ex mil. And l split up with ex 26 years ago.

You can tell the boomers from the millennials…I’m glad some people with some sense have arrived and confirmed what I was saying (but without as much tact) that it’s just a short relationship and and a very young age, and you shouldn’t be comparing it to a bereavement because that’s completely different.

if you are so attached to this boy then ask him to spend time with you…you can’t do that with a person who has passed 🤷‍♀️

@TinaTubster
Yep, people used to call their spouses parents “mum” and “dad” and it meant something. Now it’s MIl and FIL and everyone’s very aware it could end at any time. Sad.

(c/p as I hate nested quotes)

It's interesting that you think it's sad - I think it's a blessing that people no longer feel financially trapped or societally shamed into staying in relationships which no longer meet their needs. A large part of that is women's hard-won equal rights in employment (in legal theory, of course, not always in practise) which gives us far more confidence to get rid of useless partners who bring nothing to our lives or those of our children.

OP I'm sorry this is hurting, I do agree that it may be bringing up unresolved grief around your dad.

I personally have always kept my emotional distance from my partners' families, and from the partners of friends and family for this very reason. You can be friendly, warm and welcoming without putting yourself at emotional risk when the relationship ends. It also means your friends, siblings and children don't have to worry about "letting you down" when considering ending their relationship.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I think the side of not being as close to extended family is sad. I’m not saying I want people to stay with spouses who treat them horribly.

But some things come with a cost - and because of all that you’ve talked about that is good - some good things have also been lost. Imo that was one of them. But whether you enjoy that kind of extended family life depends a lot on your natural disposition I think.

I do think a lot of people today would be happier like that and also a lot wouldn’t.

Fully agree.

Not sure why I can't log in, but this is OP.

@Hutchy16 it's my bereavement of my dad, not yours. Why are you intent on telling me how that feels or should feel, to me? I asked for your coaching on how to be detached as you are and you've offered nothing but unpleasantness, going off on a very random tangent about rape and miscarriages, for some reason. You've made your point, you don't get it and can't relate. Great. Nothing further you say is constructive and this thread isn't for you.

But yes, of course I should put my big girl pants on - nobody criticising me seems to know how to tell me to do that though, other than what I'm already doing which is being there for my DD 24/7.

For what it's worth, DD is 20, ex is 23. He was ready for settling down with her, I would have loved him to - in a few years. I knew DD was too young for that and needed to experience effectively her end teen years, after losing them to Covid and having a bereavement too.

So very conflicting feelings and emotions, and I'm grateful to those posters with empathy who understand shades of grey.

I have to agree with Hutchy16.

Your DD may have several similar relationahips before she finally finds the 'one' - if she ever finds the 'one'. Are you going to 'grieve' them all?

Gen x here, saying that 20 is too young for taking things quite so seriously. Honestly, I find it kind of odd that he even met the parents more than sporadically. My parents met the man I had been dating at that age on a few occasions, but he was far from being someone they knew very well.

@Crankley I can't answer as I'm not a fortune teller. Although logically probably not, if they're not as nice and we see less of them.

@Ponderingwindow your parents are a lot more emotionally sensible than me

I remember my uncle saying he was going to try not to get attached to his daughters' future partners as he'd grown close to her husband and then after the divorce her long term partner and found it hard when they stopped being part of the family.

Do you think the intesity of your feeling of loss is compounded by losing your dad so recently? That's two 'family' men that have vanished from your daily life, and this recent loss opens up unhealed wounds aroudn the bereavement for your father? Did you get any grief counselling? How did you deal with it?

@goldfinchonthelawn I think it's possibly linked. He was also just a great lad and treated DD really well so he is a genuine loss. However. This morning she has seen that he is liking girls on Instagram etc (the usual post break up stuff) and has found her anger. In fairness this is the only thing she could be angry with him for and if she needs to latch on to it, I'm all for it. Anger will help her.

I’m not going to lie, I find this deeply disturbing. Calling this lad a bit of a catch, liking him there, a joy to be round, comparing the loss of him to the loss of your father, it’s only been since Friday and you’re in the throws of devastation.

did uou have a crush on him? Something isn’t right here, they were only together a year.

@Beercrispsandnuts I didnt no, though I can imagine that to certain people, their minds would go there. It was more about feeling intense relief that DD had met someone who was worthy of her and I feel empathy to him that she didnt treat him as well as he treated her. That's a harsh lesson she's now learned. So as well as missing him, I feel sad for her loss and sad for the fact she was the cause and there's no getting around that fact for her. We can't cry into ice cream saying what a bastard he is, because he isn't. You know?

I wonder why and where you have gained your unemotional views from? Have you stopped to think, you yourself might have attachment issues.
As humans with very complex brains, which form a wide range of emotions, it is pretty normal to form attachments to fellow humans and even inanimate objects!
When someone becomes a regular part of your daily/weekly life, it is very ok if you like them, to become invested in them, to the eventual point of caring.
You cannot and will not care unless you like and love that person.
They can be family or a friend.
We can love friends and accept them as part of our families if we wish. Again this is how we humans form healthy caring relationships.
The boyfriend could easily after a period of time be classed as a good friend to mum, the relationship naturally deepens as she is aware that if in time the relationship goes well this person could become a real family member!
So it is inevitable that a healthy attachment to the boyfriend will form!
Please think again when telling this lady it’s not Ok to have what are normal feeling of grief, she has lost someone who was a friend and a close part of her family.
She also clearly understands her place in this separation, she is supportive of her daughter, but is perfectly entitled to feel what she is feeling, her feelings of grief are justified and very real.
Grief can be wretched and can effect your mental health, if you cannot cope, a grief therapist is a very good answer.
You are not alone, this is real, talk to someone, and do not feel ashamed to have what are the perfectly normal feelings of a healthy caring person.
Best Wishes x

I wonder why you're posting a year too late

Obviously the same reason you replied to me, because someone maybe reading this whenever and it might help !

@Lunabearz I am OP and I want to say thank you for your post and for your perception being 100% accurate, I appreciate your empathy very much. It's a year later and I can give the update that DD is thriving and happy = I'm happy , all is well x